Hour many hours sleep at weekend

[sleepyrant]

I'm trying to establish what is normal for a grown adult male.

My DH seems to think that 12/ 15 hours is normal.

And that I am a nag/ unreasonable for suggesting that sleeping like a teenager is normal for a grown arsed male.

Should I LTB?

Because it's not up to him to fix your life.

He has told you loud and clear what his picture is for his perfect life. It involves a lot of sleep once there are no longer essential things like toddlers to get up for. There is nothing wrong with that. There's also nothing wrong with not wanting that and wanting to be an early bird but those are different lives. Its no different than one person wanting to travel the world on retirement and one person wanting to stay at home with an allotment and chickens. Both those lives are fine but they are different lives.

The problem you have is that what you desperately want to be told you are right and your life is better whereas the actual answer is "it's not objectively right or wrong but you're clearly not happy so what are you going to do about it?"

But nobody on here knows your situation - it's all guess-work based on the information you've provided.

If you're not happy, you're not happy. What anyone else thinks is irrelevant. He's shown you who he is and how he wants to spend his weekends. You can stay and seethe or go and be happy. Nobody else can make that choice for you.

👏👏

Well I don't have kids so you probably don't want to hear from me as both me and my partner are night owls and always sleep late at weekends. But all I was going to say is that this has been a problem for a long time and isn't changing, so is this how you want to live the rest of your life as from the outside it is a major incompatibility.

I couldn't be with someone who wanted to be up early on the weekend. Appreciate it is a lot more complex with kids and dogs etc but this is clearly who he is so if you are this unhappy it may be worth considering your options. You should be happy too.

So man in relationship has no responsibility to make it work?

Woman must comply with his wants and is unreasonable for not supplying his perfect life.

God almighty.

Well I do think that an excessive amount of sleep. And yes it would irritate me - but I would just go off and do my own thing.

I'm on my own with no partner so used to just doing my own thing and that's what I enjoy doing at the weekend. If I slept in till lunchtime I wouldn't have enough time to see friends and run all my errands as well. It would feel like I'd wasted waking time - particularly on short winter days.

Saturday morning I visit my elderly father so Sunday is my only day for a lie-in. But by lie-in I mean till 9.30 or 10am at the latest. I am usually out or been out by the time my DD gets up after lunch.

I think I'd find a grown arsed man behaving like a teenage a bit annoying but I'd be off doing stuff and certainly not doing all the chores.

That's not what @Swg said at all.

The point is that this is your life. You can either sit there and seethe for another fifteen years about how shit and lazy your husband is, or you can do something about it.

Well I agree with you OP. It is excessive. And lazy.

I haven't got a partner at the moment, but with my last partner, it was lovely spending the weekend mornings with him, having a nice coffee, walking the dogs together, doing some exercise, and yes, doing some household chores together.

I find laziness in a man (in a person really) deeply unattractive. I can kind of forgive my teens because, well, they're teens. I wouldn't want to be with a man who spent so much time in bed - the evening is very early too!

I also think labelling you as a nag is just a horrible put down. I'd be more concerned about this and the effect on your teenagers than the sleep tbh. If all they hear is him putting you down and ignoring your needs, they will learn from example. Oh, mum's just a nag. She doesn't matter.

But, as you know, you can't change him, just yourself, so it's down to you to do something. Whether it's taking yourself off out every morning to a gym class or whatever, or leaving him, then you need to decide.

It's not about gender. And there is no need to "make it work" if you don't want to. If you are truly unhappy you can leave. It might be a nuclear option but it is an option.

Otherwise you have to decide what you can live with and what will make you happy. Just like the allotment / world travel couple might end up having a discussion of "will you be happy if I go away for a months travel with a friend whilst you stay here and garden".

You remind me of my aunt, desperate for validation and unable to let anything happen until itvhad been officially signed off. I spent the first half of the year being yelled at her for sleeping most of the hours the kids were asleep when there was "nothing wrong with me". I got my diagnosis about halfway through the year and now I am finally allowed to sleep when I need it. Absolutely no difference between now and February - in fact I feel slightly better now because of meds - but a doctor has signed me off as properly ill so it must be all right.

This must be the only thread on mumsnet where a lazy partner has a free pass on any kind of responsibility for chores or modelling good attitudes for teenage kids.

Well that's how it comes across as did the suggestions that if I leave the relationship - it's on me.

The example given of being incompatible and one retiree (without kids in the mix presumably) wanting to travel and the other one not is totally different from one parent of children wanting to sleep the bulk of the weekend.

I am quite surprised that these attitudes are on a parenting website. All of your posts have been along the lines that I am unreasonable because I'm not completely content with my DH's sleep patterns.

in the real world I don't know many people who would be.

I personally don’t see the problem unless it’s interfering with plans

Thank you. That's how I feel about it. I'm pretty shocked that I've been laid into so much for not just letting my DH sleep.

Well, you're unreasonably to expect him to change after fifteen years, yes.

This is YOUR life. Nobody else's. If you're this unhappy, then why would you stay?

I've been begging my husband to see his doctor, he has reluctantly had a blood test which came back normal and doesn't want further investigations.

That's not on me.

Well it kind of impacts the kids.

12-15 hours?!!! That would drive me absolutely mad!! That's half the day wasted. Is he on his phone or actually asleep? It sounds like you're married to a teenager. I also can't believe how many people are calling you unreasonable.

So does living with a mother who spends her life seething with resentment about their father.

Oh for heaven's sake. Who said I seethed with resentment openly.

Today I got called 'a nag' by him for commenting on it.

I'm not selfish enough to let the kids know how I feel about it.

I would hire a cleaner , I can generally do lots of choresb when I'm medicated but I work full time 12 hour shifts so I get very tired. The cleaner takes a lot of stress off our marriage DH is also lazy with chores 🤣🤣🤣.

You think your kids won't pick up on how unhappy you are?

You have one life. You can either stay in a situation that clearly makes you really unhappy, or you can do something about it. He clearly won't change as he's quite happy with how things are, which means it's up to you.

You either stay and seethe and be miserable, or you make changes. There isn't really another option.

There isn't really another option.

No because it would be totally unreasonable to ask a grown man to get up in the morning.

It sounds like you're married to a teenager

Yes that's how it feels. I actually said that to him this morning. It's just like living with 3 teens.

If he wanted to change and get up in the morning, then that's what he'd do.

The point people are trying to make is that you can't force him to change or be a different person. He's showing you loud and clear that this is who he is.

So if you're not happy, then you're the one who needs to do something about it. He won't change for you.

That may well be the case. But it is definitely not what you have been posting throughout this thread which is along the lines that I am unreasonable for having better expectations on the basis that you like to sleep too.