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AIBU?

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Original poster

Hour many hours sleep at weekend

373 replies

sleepyrant · 27/11/2022 14:21

I'm trying to establish what is normal for a grown adult male.

My DH seems to think that 12/ 15 hours is normal.

And that I am a nag/ unreasonable for suggesting that sleeping like a teenager is normal for a grown arsed male.

Should I LTB?

OP posts:
Noideaatall · 27/11/2022 17:45

Think you've hit a nerve with some people! No other explanation for the snippy replies. This is definitely not normal in my opinion. My DP did this for years, and was finally diagnosed with severe sleep apnoea earlier this year. (He is not overweight either) I totally get the resentment at having to plan weekends around not getting out of the house before 3pm, every single week. Does he still feel tired when he gets up? That was the sign for DP that it was something more than just laziness.

CatherinedeBourgh · 27/11/2022 17:47

I spend about that long in bed when I can. I only really sleep 7 hours or so, but unfortunately it takes me 1.5-2 hs to fall asleep every night, and I often wake up for anywhere between 1-4 hours in the middle of the night. I have tried everything, and nothing changes this. Has been the case since I was a child (am 50s now)

If I can only spend 8 hours in bed (which has been the case for much of my life) I'm a zombie.

Fortunately dh is very understanding and has always done everything in his power to let me have a lie-in.

Original poster
sleepyrant · 27/11/2022 17:52

CatherinedeBourgh · 27/11/2022 17:47

I spend about that long in bed when I can. I only really sleep 7 hours or so, but unfortunately it takes me 1.5-2 hs to fall asleep every night, and I often wake up for anywhere between 1-4 hours in the middle of the night. I have tried everything, and nothing changes this. Has been the case since I was a child (am 50s now)

If I can only spend 8 hours in bed (which has been the case for much of my life) I'm a zombie.

Fortunately dh is very understanding and has always done everything in his power to let me have a lie-in.

Oh that's good that your DH is understanding.

But this isn't an issue, I wake often in the night since having kids to go to the loo and he's always asleep when I do.

OP posts:
Original poster
sleepyrant · 27/11/2022 17:55

Noideaatall · 27/11/2022 17:45

Think you've hit a nerve with some people! No other explanation for the snippy replies. This is definitely not normal in my opinion. My DP did this for years, and was finally diagnosed with severe sleep apnoea earlier this year. (He is not overweight either) I totally get the resentment at having to plan weekends around not getting out of the house before 3pm, every single week. Does he still feel tired when he gets up? That was the sign for DP that it was something more than just laziness.

I think this is my frustration. My DH just doesn't want to address it.

Getting him to have blood tests was a fight and they were normal, but I know they don't show up all possibilities.

I'm sick of hearing myself say that it must be a medical issue or he's lazy. Partly the fact that he doesn't want to investigate further suggests to me the latter.

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 27/11/2022 18:00

Yes, assuming no health issues, that's an excessive amount of sleep and clearly an opting out mechanism.
What does he say when you point out that you end up with an unfair amount of household and dog care?
If I were you I'd take up a hobby on one of those weekend days and leave him to it.
Don't do anything with the dogs, just leave the doors open so he is forced to deal with them. Don't do any housework. When you return to a tip, ask him why he's opting out of it.
If things still don't change then I'd suggest counselling or ltb. I couldn't spend the rest of my days with someone like this. So deeply unattractive.

CocoLux · 27/11/2022 18:01

You don't get to decide how much sleep another adult has. It isn't up to you. If you really want to end your marriage over this, then go for it, but that's on you not him.

oviraptor21 · 27/11/2022 18:02

No - it's on him being a lazy bustard with no interest on sharing either the work load or time with his wife.

Original poster
sleepyrant · 27/11/2022 18:03

CocoLux · 27/11/2022 18:01

You don't get to decide how much sleep another adult has. It isn't up to you. If you really want to end your marriage over this, then go for it, but that's on you not him.

so you don't think a person has a responsibility to be available in a relationship and to pull their weight?

Interesting.

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 27/11/2022 18:03

*bastard even. Autocorrect clearly doesn't like my language!

Original poster
sleepyrant · 27/11/2022 18:04

oviraptor21 · 27/11/2022 18:00

Yes, assuming no health issues, that's an excessive amount of sleep and clearly an opting out mechanism.
What does he say when you point out that you end up with an unfair amount of household and dog care?
If I were you I'd take up a hobby on one of those weekend days and leave him to it.
Don't do anything with the dogs, just leave the doors open so he is forced to deal with them. Don't do any housework. When you return to a tip, ask him why he's opting out of it.
If things still don't change then I'd suggest counselling or ltb. I couldn't spend the rest of my days with someone like this. So deeply unattractive.

Good advice, thanks.
I am going to follow it. See if I can shock him into action.

OP posts:
ChateauxNeufDePoop · 27/11/2022 18:05

sleepyrant · 27/11/2022 18:03

so you don't think a person has a responsibility to be available in a relationship and to pull their weight?

Interesting.

Show quote history

Oh your replies are bordering on pathetic now in how passive aggressive you're being to people who disagree. Nothing you've said has suggested he's lazy or unavailable and at no point have you taken on board any suggestions as to a middle ground regarding planning things at weekends.

RagzRebooted · 27/11/2022 18:06

DH does this too but he's depressed/bipolar and on lots of medication.
I tend to sleep for 9-11 hours at weekends but only 6 during the week so feel I need the catch up.

CocoLux · 27/11/2022 18:06

Look, you clearly dislike your husband and want everyone else to agree that he's a waste of space. Do him a favour and leave him. You can live how you want and he can live how he wants. He needs more sleep, you need less - doesn't mean you're right and he's wrong, you're just different, and it's such a problem for you that it points to a fundamental incompatibility.

oviraptor21 · 27/11/2022 18:07

He doesn't need that much sleep though.

CocoLux · 27/11/2022 18:07

"so you don't think a person has a responsibility to be available in a relationship and to pull their weight?

Interesting."

So passive aggressive!

CocoLux · 27/11/2022 18:08

oviraptor21 · 27/11/2022 18:07

He doesn't need that much sleep though.

You don't know that. None of us do.

oviraptor21 · 27/11/2022 18:09

No-one needs that much sleep unless they have a health problem.

thelobsterquadrille · 27/11/2022 18:10

sleepyrant · 27/11/2022 18:03

so you don't think a person has a responsibility to be available in a relationship and to pull their weight?

Interesting.

Show quote history

You can be available, pull your weight AND enjoy a lie-in, though.

Original poster
sleepyrant · 27/11/2022 18:11

thelobsterquadrille · 27/11/2022 18:10

You can be available, pull your weight AND enjoy a lie-in, though.

Show quote history

Not if you sleep half the weekend away.

OP posts:
Original poster
sleepyrant · 27/11/2022 18:12

oviraptor21 · 27/11/2022 18:09

No-one needs that much sleep unless they have a health problem.

exactly.

OP posts:
Original poster
sleepyrant · 27/11/2022 18:13

CocoLux · 27/11/2022 18:07

"so you don't think a person has a responsibility to be available in a relationship and to pull their weight?

Interesting."

So passive aggressive!

Where as your post about it being on 'me' if I decide to leave a relationship for this reason was perfectly fine.

If I decide to leave my relationship because of my DH's 'behaviour' in what way is that on me?

OP posts:
thelobsterquadrille · 27/11/2022 18:15

sleepyrant · 27/11/2022 18:11

Not if you sleep half the weekend away.

Show quote history

Don't be silly - of course you can Hmm

Sleeping in until midday doesn't mean the entire weekend is a write-off. There's loads you could still do if you wanted.

Fairislefandango · 27/11/2022 18:16

12-15 hours?! Confused I don't think I've slept that long since I was a toddler! Sounds completely unreasonable to me. I'm up at 7 or 7:30 at the weekend - I can't sleep in even if I want to. I often leave dh asleep, but he's rarely up later than 9.

Baconand · 27/11/2022 18:18

I could easily do 10-12.
But I have a horse and a 3 year old so I’m lucky if I get 6.
If he’s not pulling his weight it’s definitely unreasonable.

lawofselfish · 27/11/2022 18:18

Who decided to get the dog?

I would be really annoyed if my husband dictated when I had to get up.

I have two children under 5 at the moment and I'm so looking forward to lie-ins again, I'll be damned if my husband will be ruining them for me.

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