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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt non of Dps family attended my baby shower

151 replies

StrawberryKitty · 27/11/2022 09:40

Had baby shower yesterday organised by my best friend.
It was a very relaxed affair. But I was surprised that non of dps family were there.
Upon asking my friend mil had said she would come and didn't turn up. Dp phoned her to check she was OK (incase she had had a fall or forgotten) and she said she decided to go out for a coffee with her friend instead.
Sil 1 said she doesn't go to baby showers except has posted today that she can't wait to go to someone else's today and there are loads of pics on fb of her at other showers.
Sil 2 said she wouldn't know anyone so declined the invite. Except she would have known me, sil 1 and mil if they had come.

It wasn't a massive affair, about 10 friends came and it was actually really nice, I had a lovely time. There was no expectation of a gift, my friend made that clear on the invite (a few people didn't bring gifts and I was just happy to have them there) and we provided all the food and drink so again there were no cost implications.
There were lots of kids there too so the invite was extended to the nieces and nephews if they wanted to bring them.
I also found out that dp had offered to pick them all up and drop them home so they could have a glass of wine/bubbly if they wanted to.
I just feel a little hurt and rejected that after being with dp for 10 years they couldn't make the effort to come. They go out together all the time and never invite me so I'm just beginning to feel perhaps there is more to this and that they don't actually like me.

OP posts:
PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 27/11/2022 09:51

I don't think this means they don't like you, just that there were things they'd rather do on the day than go to your party. Their friends are more important to them than their brother's partner, which is reasonable. You had a nice time anyway, which is the important thing, so don't dwell on it.

Hankunamatata · 27/11/2022 09:53

Perhaps they just don't like baby showers? Some people have strong opinions about them.

FlamingJingleBells · 27/11/2022 09:55

I don’t like baby showers so I didn’t have one myself, I prefer to celebrate when the baby has safely arrived. However, if my sil invited me to hers I would have gone because not to would have been a snub to her. I think your in laws were rude particularly your sil as she’s attending one today.

maddy68 · 27/11/2022 09:56

Baby showers are a recent thing i hate them when I had my kids they didn't happen at all so maybe the older ones don't value it like you do. To me it's a non event and a grabby way to get gifts I don't think it's because they aren't welcoming your baby it probably isn't something they have encountered before

MelchiorsMistress · 27/11/2022 09:58

If you’d never had a baby shower, you wouldn’t be feeling like this.

You have to remember that baby showers are still a relatively new thing that many people don’t really like. They aren’t seen as an important event, and lots of people would prefer to give the baby a gift when they visit after it’s born anyway. I’ve been to a few to support close friends, not because they are actually fun events that I want to be part of. It is often a little bit awkward for guests, even if they do know one or two other people.

Don’t let your best friends lovely wish to throw you a baby shower make a difference to your relationship with your in laws.

Afterfire · 27/11/2022 09:58

I can’t stand baby showers and social stuff like this so there’s no way I would have gone either. I would have happily gone for a coffee or something with you on your own. Baby showers are just very cringey.

ChessieDarling · 27/11/2022 09:59

That’s hurtful and rude. Baby showers are generally looked down on here on mumsnet but the facts are that MIL said she’d go then went with a ‘better’ offer - rude, SIL1 lied about her reason for not going and then shouted about attending someone else’s shower on Facebook - rude and SIL2, well I guess her reason is true given MIL and SIL1 didn’t go, so I take her out of it.
it is hurtful that they couldn’t be bothered OP, but they are what they are. Your lovely friends came and that’s what matters.

greeandorange · 27/11/2022 10:00

I've never been to one and have zero intention of going to any, I think you'll find lots of people dislike them and would rather congratulate you when the baby is born.

You don't know their own fertility, baby loss history so just be happy your friends came and you had a nice day?

Thehop · 27/11/2022 10:04

I wouldn’t go to a baby shower for anyone, I hate them. But I think it’s reasonable for them to prefer their friends to their brothers girlfriend.

focus on the positives:your friends came and you had a nice time. Enjoy getting ready for your baby x

MakeMineALarge1 · 27/11/2022 10:04

Baby showers are grabby and needy - look at me i am pregnant
You say there are no expectations for gifts, but people brough gifts so there is an unsaid protocol
I personally cannot think of anything worse than an baby shower, I think they are attention seeking, sorry, but I am with your partners family.

chikp · 27/11/2022 10:07

Some people just don't do baby showers. Even the one who you've seen at baby showers might hate them and feel she can turn yours down as she knows you well enough but has to fake her way through the others.

I think you need to realise this baby is going to be more important to you than anyone else.

chikp · 27/11/2022 10:07

greeandorange · 27/11/2022 10:00

I've never been to one and have zero intention of going to any, I think you'll find lots of people dislike them and would rather congratulate you when the baby is born.

You don't know their own fertility, baby loss history so just be happy your friends came and you had a nice day?

Yes can't you just be happy about the people who did turn up?

PauliesWalnuts · 27/11/2022 10:08

I don’t go to baby showers because I didn’t get to have children. I find them really upsetting.

Hoppinggreen · 27/11/2022 10:08

If either of my SILs had invited me to a baby shower I would have found a reason not to go.
I do like them, it’s just baby showers I dislike

Aworldofmyown · 27/11/2022 10:08

Bloodyhell I know Mumsnet doesn't like baby showers, but seriously?
I family member asks you to come and spend a couple of hours celebrating a new baby and you can't be arsed. Because you don't like baby showers. Because you'd rather celebrate when the baby arrives. That's pretty shit.
Baby showers have been around for about 15 years in the UK - get over it!

I say this as a person who doesn't particularly like them and didn't have one with any of my kids, I go because mu friends and family ask me too.

Acheyknees · 27/11/2022 10:09

I agree, I can't see the point of baby showers and would never go to one. Like your MIL, I'd prefer to go for a coffee with a friend.

meditrina · 27/11/2022 10:10

10 is a normal-large sized baby shower (it really is just for your closest friend)

Please don't read anything into their decision to decline. It's not a measure of how they feel about the pregnancy.

(And they are quite likely to be getting you/the baby significantly larger presents than a shower-type gift)

There are always expectations of gifts for a shower. The very name is from "shower with gifts". If you want to have a non-present giving party to celebrate, then call it something else

Snugglemonkey · 27/11/2022 10:11

maddy68 · 27/11/2022 09:56

Baby showers are a recent thing i hate them when I had my kids they didn't happen at all so maybe the older ones don't value it like you do. To me it's a non event and a grabby way to get gifts I don't think it's because they aren't welcoming your baby it probably isn't something they have encountered before

That certainly is not the case here given that Sil went to another the following day!

PortiasBiscuit · 27/11/2022 10:11

Oh God, baby showers.. most expensive way to waste a Sunday afternoon..
I would go if I really had no excuse not to go, but I’d look bloody hard for an excuse!

Whataretheodds · 27/11/2022 10:12

It was v rude of your MIL not to show up on the day, because she decided to do something else.

But your SILs declined in good time, which is their right. Invitation not a summons.

Was DP there?

Sounds like you had a lovely time, I'd mention MIL no-show to DP but not sweat the SILs.

Abraxan · 27/11/2022 10:12

MIL : Confirming you will go and then not turning up after a 'better' offer is rude.

SIL : at least they declined the offer in the first place, even if their reasons weren't necessarily genuine ones.

I've never actually been to a baby shower. They weren't a thing when I was pregnant, nor when my closer family and friends were.

I don't really understand them, nor why they are just the women involved - are dads less important when it comes to celebrating a forthcoming baby?

OnTheBackOfMyFoot · 27/11/2022 10:12

I can't stand baby showers and don't like going to events where I won't know many people but if my sil had invited me to a baby shower I would make the effort to go. It's great to have oundaries but that doesn't mean only doing what you feel like in that particular moment. When you're in a family it's absolutely expected that you put yourself out to make others happy sometimes.

YANBU. That was unkind of them and mil was especially rude for just not showing up having committed herself. Family dynamics can be complicated so I wouldn't take their bad behaviour personally. Perhaps they feel threatened by having another female enter the fold, perhaps your DP (and you by association) has always been a second class member of the family, perhaps they're just selfish and unfriendly. Who knows? Unless you've actually done something to hurt them I would try to keep your head up, remain polite but lower your expectations.

badbaduncle · 27/11/2022 10:13

Baby Showers are an imported US tradition that the UK doesn't have established etiquette for - this is why there are always rows about them
I bet your MIL and SIL buy you a lovely gift when the baby is born, as is UK tradition. I would stop looking for reasons to be wounded and focus on yourself and your baby.

LittIe · 27/11/2022 10:13

Baby showers are seen by many people as unnecessary, and grabby. Because it’s seen as bad etiquette to have one in the first place, I think a lot of people feel the “normal rules” don’t apply when declining/not turning up.

Abraxan · 27/11/2022 10:14

Baby showers have been around for about 15 years in the UK - get over it!

I think they may have been around 15 years ago in some areas of the Uk but they weren't wide spread.

My dd is 20y and closer friends/family mainly have children aged 10-22 ish. None involved baby showers. I've only tended to notice the on the feeds of some of the younger family member's social media or daughters of older friends.