To be hurt non of Dps family attended my baby shower

[StrawberryKitty]

Had baby shower yesterday organised by my best friend.
It was a very relaxed affair. But I was surprised that non of dps family were there.
Upon asking my friend mil had said she would come and didn't turn up. Dp phoned her to check she was OK (incase she had had a fall or forgotten) and she said she decided to go out for a coffee with her friend instead.
Sil 1 said she doesn't go to baby showers except has posted today that she can't wait to go to someone else's today and there are loads of pics on fb of her at other showers.
Sil 2 said she wouldn't know anyone so declined the invite. Except she would have known me, sil 1 and mil if they had come.

It wasn't a massive affair, about 10 friends came and it was actually really nice, I had a lovely time. There was no expectation of a gift, my friend made that clear on the invite (a few people didn't bring gifts and I was just happy to have them there) and we provided all the food and drink so again there were no cost implications.
There were lots of kids there too so the invite was extended to the nieces and nephews if they wanted to bring them.
I also found out that dp had offered to pick them all up and drop them home so they could have a glass of wine/bubbly if they wanted to.
I just feel a little hurt and rejected that after being with dp for 10 years they couldn't make the effort to come. They go out together all the time and never invite me so I'm just beginning to feel perhaps there is more to this and that they don't actually like me.

Many (miserable toads) on here also hate the concept of adults having fun at birthday parties or engagement parties

Fair enough if they don't like/ do baby showers but then they should of said that at invite
Mil said yes then went with a better offer , so would of been catered for
Sil2 lied as says don't do baby showers but clearly does
Sil3 prob only one who told the truth and prob knew the other two were not going
Personally I would just remember that when baby is here and they are requesting visits , have those who bothered come visit first and they can wait there turn
Don't lie and just be truthful if you don't do baby showers

It's rude to say they're coming and then just not turn up.

I don't think it's rude to turn down an invite and not come. I didn't go to my SIL (brothers wife) baby showers because I can't think of anything worse, but I told her straight out that I wouldn't be coming because they're not my cup of tea at all.

Birthday parties tend to involve an enjoyable activity for everyone, whilst celebrating the person whose birthday it is in a normal way (a cake or a toast to the passage of another year of life).

Baby showers tend to involve tedious games and conversation which is enjoyable to very few, whilst celebrating the person having the baby in a cringey way (yay, your reproductive system works! Have a cake with a baby coming out of a foof on it!).

I’ve never been to an engagement party, to be fair, so can’t comment on that.

How miserable must your life be to actually think very few people enjoy conversing with others.

I thank my lucky stars no one I know or speak to IRL has such a sad outlook on life and joyous occasions such as baby showers

You sound really lovely OP. I think you have the right attitude here.

@PeachyPears Love conversing with others, but not about placentas, labour experiences, nappies (for mum), nappies (for baby), poonamis, baby’s first wee all over daddy etc etc etc.

If that makes me sad and joyless I’m ok with that.

You now know you don't need to make an effort with them any more. Concentrate on your own family and friends and look upon your in laws as your partner's family. Leave any meet up arrangements, birthday/Christmas gifts/cards to your DP to organise. Be friendly when you do see them but don't go out of your way for any of them.

I don't like baby showers, but in the future if my DS has a baby in the future, there is no way on earth that I would not be there at the baby shower. And the same applies when my brothers have children. I would be delighted to have a DIL who actively wanted me to be involved, and not only that but genuinely cared (the middle of the night airport runs etc). Your MIL and SILs are so fucking rude, they didn't even bother to make up good excuses. Now that you know their position, you know not to put yourself out any more.

@HerMajestysRoyalCoven how awful and dismissive to reduce child bearing and child birth to what you deem to be ‘boring and attention seeking’ conversation. I think openly being able to discuss labour options, post birth care in a normal non ‘hush-hush’ way etc is really important and women have been silenced and expected to ‘just get on with things’ for so long. Well done you for having had a child without ever needing to chat through labour, post birth issues, etc, with a trusted friend or family member. And if you’ve not had a child you’re not entitled to police on what a pregnant or postpartum woman can talk about, you’ve not a clue sorry but you haven’t

attitudes like this are the reason women stay quiet about their maternity care, the reason women ‘don’t want to be a bother’ when they feel movements have reduced in pregnancy. We need to stop telling pregnant women they’re attention seeking burdens on society

I’m not a huge fan of baby showers (although maybe I’m bitter because nobody offered to plan one for me 😉) but there’s no way I wouldn’t go to one if invited unless it genuinely really inconvenienced me. People don’t tend to have many babies (unlike birthdays!) so if they want to have a baby shower to celebrate I am happy to go and celebrate with them in the same way I would always make the effort to go to a wedding.

Your MIL was really rude. I would struggle to think that she valued our relationship after that.

@Blueeyedgirl21 I don’t police anything - I don’t go to baby showers because whilst I’m sure that kind of conversation is extremely helpful for many, it’s boring and grim as heck for many others. Someone asked why birthday parties were fun and baby showers weren’t, and I was giving a reason, that’s all.

I don’t go around sticking bandages over pregnant womens’ mouths, but I’m also not required to find all the talk fascinating, life affirming and radically important either.

So how do you know the ‘types’ of conversation had at parties you’ve never attended?

I’ve never been to a baby shower where birth stories are shared at all. Very peculiar

I didn’t say I’d never been, I said I don’t go to them. I have been to a number of them, when I was a bit younger. Generally if it wasn’t that kind of chat, it was discussion about nursing/weaning, prams, nappy types, toilet training etc. Which again, I’m sure is useful, but not comparable to a birthday party where conversation tends to be more interesting and rounded.

This is a white / age / friend thing. MN tends to attract older white loners and so many don’t value baby showers. But if OP is 35 or younger and / or not white then baby showers are often de rigour. My guess is SIL 1 might have driven the decision not to come as her excuse and behaviour was the nastiest. In either case you now know where you stand with them & in your position I wouldn’t show them any consideration when it comes to seeing your baby in hospital / in the first 2-3 weeks. Let them wait until you feel up to it.

This in spades, definitely an older view against anything joyful on here

you've had to pay for food and drink at babyshower??? that is the wildest thing iv'e ever heard.

I don't go to baby showers. I love my friends, I love my friend's children. I'm excited about their new babies. But I can't stand baby showers. Maybe they don't like them either?

Then I’d assume you wouldn’t rsvp yes to one…

unlike these people

very much so! This the first time iv'e ever seen people have such an intense feeling about baby showers. Didn't realise so many people cared or had such visceral reactions.

Why wouldn't you want to celebrate with your friend/family about their impending baby, gift a baby grow or two. especially before they're super tired or stressed after the baby and not really up to visits.

Everyone calling them grabby, its not like you're giving them a bloody pram. just get a pack of muslins ffs. Seems a bit grumpy and miserly.

Brace yourself, op. You're going to get ripped apart on here.

Although, I've got to admit I'm suspicious of anyone who has "Kitty" in their name.

But some parties of different descriptions have boring people or conversations as well. My baby shower didn't involve any games or a foof cake either 🤣

Just as a side note, I wasn't keen on having a baby shower. It was my best friend and my family who wanted to throw it as I've had a really difficult pregnancy.

This makes you sound so silly.

Of course you wanted a baby shower otherwise you wouldn't have had one!

And you certainly wouldn't be upset about your partner's family not attending.

Historically in this country there was a recognition that a pregnancy, while loevly news, did not always translate into a safe birth of a well infant.

For this reason, gifts were usually not given in advance. People bought (or knitted) clothes but gave or sent them after the birth. Larger items such as prams would often be kept at grandparents' homes (or even in the local store for later delivery).

Baby showers are a result of a generation change, where people expect babies to survive, and where a new custom has come from elsewhere. Not everyone is comfortable with it yet.

OP's MIL andSIL1 were rude, aside from opinions on baby showers.

Agree