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Original poster

To be hurt non of Dps family attended my baby shower

151 replies

StrawberryKitty · 27/11/2022 09:40

Had baby shower yesterday organised by my best friend.
It was a very relaxed affair. But I was surprised that non of dps family were there.
Upon asking my friend mil had said she would come and didn't turn up. Dp phoned her to check she was OK (incase she had had a fall or forgotten) and she said she decided to go out for a coffee with her friend instead.
Sil 1 said she doesn't go to baby showers except has posted today that she can't wait to go to someone else's today and there are loads of pics on fb of her at other showers.
Sil 2 said she wouldn't know anyone so declined the invite. Except she would have known me, sil 1 and mil if they had come.

It wasn't a massive affair, about 10 friends came and it was actually really nice, I had a lovely time. There was no expectation of a gift, my friend made that clear on the invite (a few people didn't bring gifts and I was just happy to have them there) and we provided all the food and drink so again there were no cost implications.
There were lots of kids there too so the invite was extended to the nieces and nephews if they wanted to bring them.
I also found out that dp had offered to pick them all up and drop them home so they could have a glass of wine/bubbly if they wanted to.
I just feel a little hurt and rejected that after being with dp for 10 years they couldn't make the effort to come. They go out together all the time and never invite me so I'm just beginning to feel perhaps there is more to this and that they don't actually like me.

OP posts:
Blueeyedgirl21 · 27/11/2022 10:41

@RambamThankyouMam bingo! Take a shot everyone. The chav word has made it to the thread !! So classy of you Rambam , congrats you win a tub of farrow and ball and a pair of horse riding boots

NameIsBryceQuinlan · 27/11/2022 10:41

I think it was really rude of them not to come. And based on what else you say it does sound like they exclude you. I'm sorry that must be upsetting

LateAF · 27/11/2022 10:41

RambamThankyouMam · 27/11/2022 10:36

Baby showers are for chavs and Instagram influencers.

Your use of that awful word says more about you than the people you’re trying to describe.

Hadjab · 27/11/2022 10:42

They go out together all the time and never invite me so I'm just beginning to feel perhaps there is more to this and that they don't actually like me

You’ve been together 10 years and this is how they treat you. They don’t like you, plain and simple. I’d be lowering my expectations in terms of anything other than a just about cordial relationship with them.

The4teddybears · 27/11/2022 10:44

StrawberryKitty · 27/11/2022 10:27

Sil's are not Mils daughters. My partner is one of 4 boys and this is his first child.

I was very insistent with my best friend that the invite needed to stipulate that we already have everything we need so gifts are really not necessary. One person brought 3 casserole dishes with meals we can freeze for when the baby arrives which I thought was fantastic.
Another person gave me vouchers for her to babysit when the baby arrives.
My best friend knitted us a beautiful blanket and matching Teddy.

I think most people know I'm not a grabby person and most certainly not in the slightest attention seeking. I hate all focus being on me. My friend wanted to do something nice for me.

Your friend sound lovely and thoughtful.
Less so your in-laws and I too would also be upset at their behaviour.
Just use it as a ‘learning curve’ that you don’t have to do what’s expected of you where they’re involved , as they’ve just shown you it’s ok to do that !
And remember this incident when they want to come and visit once baby is born - don’t let them come until you are ready and surround yourself with your lovely friends first . Good luck 🤞

BlueLabel · 27/11/2022 10:44

I feel like the posters simply saying they wouldn't go/don't like them are missing the point.

It doesn't matter what the event is, it is incredibly rude to accept an invitation and no-show on the day and incredibly hurtful to decline an invitation with an excuse and then post a direct contradict of that for you to see. Both MIL and SIL1 have behaved poorly.

butterfliedtwo · 27/11/2022 10:46

Hadjab · 27/11/2022 10:42

They go out together all the time and never invite me so I'm just beginning to feel perhaps there is more to this and that they don't actually like me

You’ve been together 10 years and this is how they treat you. They don’t like you, plain and simple. I’d be lowering my expectations in terms of anything other than a just about cordial relationship with them.

This would be my way forward.

Hadjab · 27/11/2022 10:47

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/11/2022 10:30

Congratulations, OP.

These are the reasons I'd not go to a baby shower in those circumstances.

  1. Superstition.
  2. Surely they're for you, your family and your friends - because it's about you?
  3. Because of (2), I'd be an observer of you, your family and your friends.
  4. They're drinking. People who are drinking are loud, boring or annoying when you're sober.
  5. I'd be dependent upon your DP for a lift if I had a drink myself. So I might end up stranded or waiting around for hours. I hate relying upon somebody else. If I don't have a drink myself, refer to previous points where I'd be in a room of you and your mates where they're drinking.
  6. Other people's children running around. I don't dislike children at all - but it wouldn't be my choice for an afternoon or evening to be around lots of kids whilst their parents are drinking.
  7. The baby is hopefully going to be part of my family - why try to muscle in before s/he's even born?
  8. MN is full of mothers angry because their MIL/SIL has dared to hope to set eyes on the baby, much less give it a cuddle, within the first six months. It's clearly become nothing whatsoever to do with MILs/SILs in recent years until the mother wants or needs full time childcare for free when she goes back to work. I'm not risking being the subject of one of those posts and being accused of trying to steal the baby before it's even born. Times have changed, in laws aren't part of a baby's family until the mother decides it - and is only then a reward for good behaviour.

None of this makes sense.

Itsallyellow22 · 27/11/2022 10:49

It was rude to say they'd go and then not show, but those that just said no to begin with are fine. I wouldn't go to a baby shower either and would have said no too.

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 27/11/2022 10:50

BlueLabel · 27/11/2022 10:44

I feel like the posters simply saying they wouldn't go/don't like them are missing the point.

It doesn't matter what the event is, it is incredibly rude to accept an invitation and no-show on the day and incredibly hurtful to decline an invitation with an excuse and then post a direct contradict of that for you to see. Both MIL and SIL1 have behaved poorly.

It was only the MIL who accepted and didn't show. Both the SIL's declined.

BlueLabel · 27/11/2022 10:54

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss, I'm aware of that and it's covered in my post. Sil1 declined with an excuse that was directly contracted by social media posts the OP could see. Both MIL and SIL1 gave behaved poorly.

HavfrueDenizKisi · 27/11/2022 10:57

Perhaps they find baby showers bloody awful <side eyes gender reveal parties too> so couldn't really face it?

They are/were not a thing amongst my friends and family and our kids are only secondary age so not like I'm ancient. I feel thankful I've never had to endure one.

Thus they would have been better just declining the invite straight off the bat rather than agreeing to come then being a no show.

I wouldn't dwell on it OP. You enjoyed yourself anyway so job done.

gogohmm · 27/11/2022 10:59

Can't see the point of a baby shower except to be grabby. Gifts should be after the safe arrival in my opinion, if family want to gift in advance they don't need an event to present them at.

I think it may be generational because they were unheard of in Britain 20 years ago, they were in American movies though

crossstitchingnana · 27/11/2022 11:04

Baby showers are unimportant to a lot of people, myself included.

canyouextrapol · 27/11/2022 11:06

I dislike baby showers too. The only one I've gone to was my SILs. None of my friends have had one and neither did I. I'd rather wait til baby's safely arrived having known two people that have lost their babies during labour/birth

amiold · 27/11/2022 11:08

I'm not a fan of baby showers but I'd have gone because we do try to make an effort for our friends don't we? Plus it's nice to catch up!

Your in laws don't like you. Start giving the relationship the same effort as them. Remember, they're not entitled when baby arrives and everything is in your terms - do not put yourself out for them.

As for a lot of pp's - what a strange bunch; making out your grabby for gifts and whinging on that they don't like baby showers.

Riverlee · 27/11/2022 11:13

Sil 2 declined the invite - no issue.

Mil was rude. She should have supported you and dp.

Sil 1 is also rude. Could you call her out on the other baby showers?

I’d be hurt also. On my eldest dc’s first party, all of dh’s family left before my family arrived. I was looking forward to hosting everyone together. My son is now in his early twenties and I’m still upset!

euff · 27/11/2022 11:14

As the OP said and @BlueLabel has pointed out again one of the Sils said they don't do baby showers which is absolutely fine but she had evidence of enjoying other people's baby showers all over SM so was lying and badly too. MIL wasn't rude for not attending she was rude to accept and then send no message that she had a change of plans.

reesewithoutaspoon · 27/11/2022 11:15

Not a fan of baby showers either. I have always given a gift after the baby safely arrives as has been the convention for decades. I would feel uncomfortable arriving without a gift so would end up forking out twice.
Your MIL was rude to accept and then not turn up, but if she's of my generation she probably feels the same as a lot of us do that's its a grabby way to get extra presents and is also considered unlucky to celebrate before the baby is even here.

Chickpea17 · 27/11/2022 11:24

I agree, I can't see the point of baby showers and would never go to one.

Original poster
StrawberryKitty · 27/11/2022 11:32

I just wanted to be sure if I was being hormonal and ott but I think I will be a bit less forthcoming with the inlaws in future.
I've gone out of my way to do things for them in the past. Picked them from the airport at 2am or dropping them to hospital appointments because the parking is awful in our city. I did those things because we are family and that's how my family treat one another. I did it because I like them.

I've been in their lives for 10 years and it is upsetting that they can make the effort for other people but not for me. They're always nice to my face and we've never fallen out so I can only guess that I'm the last one in and perhaps I don't fit their clique. I have really tried. I will continue to be nice but I certainly won't go out of my way any more.

Just as a side note, I wasn't keen on having a baby shower. It was my best friend and my family who wanted to throw it as I've had a really difficult pregnancy. I didn't want it to cost people money so dp paid for everything. The room, food, decorations and he even put money behind the bar. He offered to give lifts to people so they could get there.

We stipulated that gifts were not needed and several people didn't bring anything which was absolutely fine. I was so pleased to see them and have a chance to sit and natter before the baby arrives.
Other gifts included a friend who is a brilliant cook making us 3 foil trays of food to freeze for meals when the baby arrives which I thought was a brilliant gift!
My best friend knitted me a blanket and matching Teddy.
My sister made me a little book of vouchers for babysitting/cleaning/help for when the baby arrives.

I really appreciated the thought.

I will move on from this and just focus on the lovely people that did attend. We really had a lovely afternoon and I got to see one friend who I haven't seen since before covid who drove for 3 hours to be there. That was such a wonderful surprise and we've already arranged a date for her to come and stay again in the new year. So I'll just focus my attention on the good.

OP posts:
MakeMineALarge1 · 27/11/2022 11:35

You weren't keen to have one, but you did! You're part of the problem, people don't like them! They are grabby and attention seeking.

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 27/11/2022 11:37

BlueLabel · 27/11/2022 10:54

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss, I'm aware of that and it's covered in my post. Sil1 declined with an excuse that was directly contracted by social media posts the OP could see. Both MIL and SIL1 gave behaved poorly.

Apologies, I misread your post.

Original poster
StrawberryKitty · 27/11/2022 11:40

@MakeMineALarge1 I am quite a shy person so the idea of it made me really uncomfortable. I would also never expect gifts from people which is why I made sure the invite stated that.
I think my friend just wanted to make a fuss of me given how hard things have been. My sil's both have been to lots of others so it's that aspect that I'm hurt by.

OP posts:
LCopp89 · 27/11/2022 11:41

StrawberryKitty · 27/11/2022 11:32

I just wanted to be sure if I was being hormonal and ott but I think I will be a bit less forthcoming with the inlaws in future.
I've gone out of my way to do things for them in the past. Picked them from the airport at 2am or dropping them to hospital appointments because the parking is awful in our city. I did those things because we are family and that's how my family treat one another. I did it because I like them.

I've been in their lives for 10 years and it is upsetting that they can make the effort for other people but not for me. They're always nice to my face and we've never fallen out so I can only guess that I'm the last one in and perhaps I don't fit their clique. I have really tried. I will continue to be nice but I certainly won't go out of my way any more.

Just as a side note, I wasn't keen on having a baby shower. It was my best friend and my family who wanted to throw it as I've had a really difficult pregnancy. I didn't want it to cost people money so dp paid for everything. The room, food, decorations and he even put money behind the bar. He offered to give lifts to people so they could get there.

We stipulated that gifts were not needed and several people didn't bring anything which was absolutely fine. I was so pleased to see them and have a chance to sit and natter before the baby arrives.
Other gifts included a friend who is a brilliant cook making us 3 foil trays of food to freeze for meals when the baby arrives which I thought was a brilliant gift!
My best friend knitted me a blanket and matching Teddy.
My sister made me a little book of vouchers for babysitting/cleaning/help for when the baby arrives.

I really appreciated the thought.

I will move on from this and just focus on the lovely people that did attend. We really had a lovely afternoon and I got to see one friend who I haven't seen since before covid who drove for 3 hours to be there. That was such a wonderful surprise and we've already arranged a date for her to come and stay again in the new year. So I'll just focus my attention on the good.

You don't need to keep justifying to the grumpy people on here! I'm not having a baby shower (FTM, due Jan) because I don't like being centre of attention and we've just moved house so all I want to do for the next 6-8 weeks is rest and sleep! I may do something once baby is born, but we've been gifted lots of things already second-hand from family so won't need anything apart from sleep and food I imagine!

But yours sounds absolutely lovely - your in-laws seriously missed out. They sound like the type that wouldn't be bothered at all by this so you just need to match their (lack of) effort or carry on as you are if it makes you happy to do nice things for people. You don't have to change, unless you want to.

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