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Original poster

To be hurt non of Dps family attended my baby shower

151 replies

StrawberryKitty · 27/11/2022 09:40

Had baby shower yesterday organised by my best friend.
It was a very relaxed affair. But I was surprised that non of dps family were there.
Upon asking my friend mil had said she would come and didn't turn up. Dp phoned her to check she was OK (incase she had had a fall or forgotten) and she said she decided to go out for a coffee with her friend instead.
Sil 1 said she doesn't go to baby showers except has posted today that she can't wait to go to someone else's today and there are loads of pics on fb of her at other showers.
Sil 2 said she wouldn't know anyone so declined the invite. Except she would have known me, sil 1 and mil if they had come.

It wasn't a massive affair, about 10 friends came and it was actually really nice, I had a lovely time. There was no expectation of a gift, my friend made that clear on the invite (a few people didn't bring gifts and I was just happy to have them there) and we provided all the food and drink so again there were no cost implications.
There were lots of kids there too so the invite was extended to the nieces and nephews if they wanted to bring them.
I also found out that dp had offered to pick them all up and drop them home so they could have a glass of wine/bubbly if they wanted to.
I just feel a little hurt and rejected that after being with dp for 10 years they couldn't make the effort to come. They go out together all the time and never invite me so I'm just beginning to feel perhaps there is more to this and that they don't actually like me.

OP posts:
IhearyouClemFandango · 27/11/2022 10:14

Are they MiL's daughters? I guess that's a slightly different relationship.

elephantonacid · 27/11/2022 10:15

I've never enjoyed a baby shower, but always bite the bullet and go if it's a close friend. I just find them a bit pointless. Other people's pregnancies don't tend to be that interesting. That being said, I think mil could have let you know if she'd previously said she was coming. Your sils told you they weren't coming. Sil 1 might be closer to the other person whose baby shower she's attending, or might have other reasons to want to go (might be lots of people there she knows and wants to catch up with). Sil 2 has done nothing wrong and probably suspected her mum and sister weren't going to turn up.

Original poster
StrawberryKitty · 27/11/2022 10:15

Oh I did have a lovely time. My best friend got it spot on as I wasn't keen on having one for many of the reasons posted above but it's been a really difficult pregnancy and she has been desperate to do nice things for me- this included.

She invited a couple of friends that I haven't seen in ages and it was so nice to see them.

It was really nice to just see everyone before having the baby as I know how hectic things will be very soon.

I don't know about mil but but sil's go to baby showers as they get tagged in the photos on Facebook so I guess I just expected to see them at mine.

OP posts:
MrsClatterbuck · 27/11/2022 10:18

Acheyknees · 27/11/2022 10:09

I agree, I can't see the point of baby showers and would never go to one. Like your MIL, I'd prefer to go for a coffee with a friend.

But would accept the invitation saying you would go and then change your mind and go out to coffee with a friend and not even tell your dil that's what you are doing. Sorry but that is very bad manners.

balalake · 27/11/2022 10:19

If they declined, fair enough. Not if they just didn't show up, don't like the claim of never going to one if a lie.

Baby showers are something I think is an event created that should be consigned to history. However, glad you enjoyed it.

Perhaps consider coming off Facebook for your wellbeing.

fiesta · 27/11/2022 10:20

I feel so sorry for you OP. I would be very hurt too. Whether they like baby showers or not is not the point. You are now presumabley a family member and a couple of hours is important.

They have shown you.how.much they value you OP. They have sent a message loud and clear. U are not part of their family.

Being a family means sometimes doing things ud rather not. No wonder a lot of people are so lonely in old age

clockapp · 27/11/2022 10:20

Baby showers are so grabby. They sit there and open all the gifts in front of everyone so everyone knows what you bought and then you have to pay for food and drink there, play stupid games that are ridiculous.

And then when the baby is here there is an expectation of yet another gift.

No not for me

RitaSueandBobtwo · 27/11/2022 10:21

Baby showers are a pretty new thing. I had the misfortune of being in a nice local restaurant recently with a baby shower being hosted at another table the party was large, they were noisy, played cringey games at full volume. It sounded absolutely hideous so I wouldn’t ever go to one after witnessing that.

DH’s family should have definitely let you know its only manners. But you will be feeling hormonal and need to move on. I can understand the SIL not going who felt she wouldn’t have known anyone else there. I once remember going to a friends surprise afternoon birthday tea which was organised by her teenage daughter. Two other friends I knew were invited and dropped out at the last minute and I went along as I had already said yes and didn’t want it to be a wash out but not really knowing anyone else apart from the birthday girl and her MIL (who I knew to say hello to as she was a neighbour). It was nice to be asked but it was a large group who mostly knew each other but it also felt quite awkward and uncomfortable at times.

dutysuite · 27/11/2022 10:22

I didn’t have a baby shower, didn’t think to have one in all honesty but if I had a DIL and was invited to hers of course I would go! I’ve had many hurtful things done to me by my in laws, things I’d never do to a DIL so I can see why you’d be hurt.

Cantstandbullshit · 27/11/2022 10:23

maddy68 · 27/11/2022 09:56

Baby showers are a recent thing i hate them when I had my kids they didn't happen at all so maybe the older ones don't value it like you do. To me it's a non event and a grabby way to get gifts I don't think it's because they aren't welcoming your baby it probably isn't something they have encountered before

Blah blah blah, yeah that’s justification to stand your daughter/sister in law up after confirming you would attend???

BHRK · 27/11/2022 10:25

Baby showers are awful but that’s beside the point. MIL should have turned up. She obviously just hates them, I wouldn’t take it personally

Original poster
StrawberryKitty · 27/11/2022 10:27

Sil's are not Mils daughters. My partner is one of 4 boys and this is his first child.

I was very insistent with my best friend that the invite needed to stipulate that we already have everything we need so gifts are really not necessary. One person brought 3 casserole dishes with meals we can freeze for when the baby arrives which I thought was fantastic.
Another person gave me vouchers for her to babysit when the baby arrives.
My best friend knitted us a beautiful blanket and matching Teddy.

I think most people know I'm not a grabby person and most certainly not in the slightest attention seeking. I hate all focus being on me. My friend wanted to do something nice for me.

OP posts:
FlippityFlippityFlop · 27/11/2022 10:28

People saying "other peoples babies aren't that interesting" etc - do you not see attending one in the same way as going to a friends birthday or any other celebration?

OkOkOkOkOkOk · 27/11/2022 10:28

I'd feel the same OP. I would feel like there's more to it. Have you ever fell out with them? Do you have a good relationship with them?

euff · 27/11/2022 10:29

I'm not a fan of baby showers for all of the reasons previously stated but would go to one for family or a close friend. If they weren't close I would decline politely in advance.

In your case I think your lovely friend was using a baby shower to get people together and give you a nice time after a hard time rather than it cantering on gifts etc. She seems to have gone about the invitations in a nice way too. Your DP also sounds nice trying to facilitate his family being there for you. Saying you'll come and not turn up without so much as a text is rude not just to you but to your friend as the organiser. Has he said anything about them not coming?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/11/2022 10:30

Congratulations, OP.

These are the reasons I'd not go to a baby shower in those circumstances.

  1. Superstition.
  2. Surely they're for you, your family and your friends - because it's about you?
  3. Because of (2), I'd be an observer of you, your family and your friends.
  4. They're drinking. People who are drinking are loud, boring or annoying when you're sober.
  5. I'd be dependent upon your DP for a lift if I had a drink myself. So I might end up stranded or waiting around for hours. I hate relying upon somebody else. If I don't have a drink myself, refer to previous points where I'd be in a room of you and your mates where they're drinking.
  6. Other people's children running around. I don't dislike children at all - but it wouldn't be my choice for an afternoon or evening to be around lots of kids whilst their parents are drinking.
  7. The baby is hopefully going to be part of my family - why try to muscle in before s/he's even born?
  8. MN is full of mothers angry because their MIL/SIL has dared to hope to set eyes on the baby, much less give it a cuddle, within the first six months. It's clearly become nothing whatsoever to do with MILs/SILs in recent years until the mother wants or needs full time childcare for free when she goes back to work. I'm not risking being the subject of one of those posts and being accused of trying to steal the baby before it's even born. Times have changed, in laws aren't part of a baby's family until the mother decides it - and is only then a reward for good behaviour.
canfor · 27/11/2022 10:32

They are rude, MIL saying she would come, SIL saying she doesn't do baby showers...So you have to work out if this is a one off or are they just not that bothered about you and by extension your DH. If they aren't up for celebrating moments that are important to you and DH - then it goes both ways, you don't have to bother with them. Some people just aren't people pleasers - they suit themselves- MIL and SILs might be in that camp and if so you can now bother what they think a bit less and concentrate on those around you who will put in the effort - like your friend who sounds great. While it's great to have families who come together, people are often a bit odd or have different expectations and I wouldn't be too upset about it, rather just put in what you get out in your relationships and that way you won't be disappointed.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 27/11/2022 10:33

You’ll be told on here you’re awful and grabby and Americanised to have a baby shower because MN’ers are a weird bunch who think it’s ok to spend £££ on some particular type of middle clarssss home furnishing or Scandinavian gender neutral baby coat or whatever you have to have to be acceptably low - key and classy, but not ok to celebrate or want a tiny bit of attention around literally anything In your life (do not expect any attention when you have your baby either, apparently on here everyone hates other peoples babies and giving birth is nothing to shout about, see also expecting a card on your birthday) HOWEVER I know exactly how you feel It’s basically realising you are not and never will be in any way important to them. But that’s ok. They’re your ILs and you sound like you have lovely friends. Treat them like they treat you, keep at arms lengths be polite and let your DP facilitate the relationship. Don’t be putting yourself out. In my experience they will be like flies round shite when the baby comes, but you will be expected to be brewing up, passing round the biscuits and getting up off the comfy chair so they can sit down. Basically don’t give it any more headspace enjoy your lovely friends and family and crack on.

PiggyInTheLidl · 27/11/2022 10:34

I think it sounds more like a friends thing than family.

Some people recognise baby showers others don’t. When my relatives have babies I give gifts, cook food, help out, love the baby, do whatever the new Mum needs me to do. But I don’t use my pressured time to play daft games and giggle with their performance group mates.

BungleandGeorge · 27/11/2022 10:34

Your MIL was rude if she accepted and then did something else instead. Your two SIL were fine as they declined. SIL2 wouldn’t have known anyone and you don’t mention your own family so
she would have been with just your close friends who she hasn’t met? SIL1 may not have wanted to go to whatever your shower was, or maybe because kids were there? She may feel much closer to friends who have showers. It’s not a big family occasion like a wedding or christening where all of the family attend. I’m not sure why as females they are expected to be there. It’s fine that you wanted a shower and invited them but it also should be fine for them to decline. Also, I’d expect a mother and her daughters to want to do some social events as a group together. Obviously all family events you should be included in

HeatwaveToNightshade · 27/11/2022 10:34

MIL shouldn't have said she would go, then not turn up without letting you know. SIL1 shouldn't have lied about her reasons for not attending as she now just looks like a stinking hypocrite. SIL2 was entitled to say she wouldn't know anyone though. Even if MIL and SIL1 had gone, the party was made up mostly of your friends and perhaps SIL2 thought, rightly or wrongly, that she might feel uncomfortable with a bunch of people who all know each other and have a history.

So YANBU to feel hurt that two of DP's family essentially lied to you. But they are entitled not to want to go to a baby shower. They just could have handled it better.

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 27/11/2022 10:36

Sil's are not Mils daughters. My partner is one of 4 boys and this is his first child.

That's not what I would see as a very close family connection, in all honesty.

RambamThankyouMam · 27/11/2022 10:36

Baby showers are for chavs and Instagram influencers.

christmastreewithhairyfairy · 27/11/2022 10:39

Hankunamatata · 27/11/2022 09:53

Perhaps they just don't like baby showers? Some people have strong opinions about them.

I hate baby showers and would politely decline if invited.
But in this case the MIL accepted, and the SIL is pictured at other showers on SM! So they both really rude to not turn up

Peoniesandcream · 27/11/2022 10:40

Most of MN weirdly hate baby showers, which I Don't personally understand seeing as there's parties for engagements/ new jobs all sorts of things. But it's odd to celebrate having a baby? I organised my own and just invited my mum, sisters, cousins and close friends. I wouldn't let this ruin your relationship with them but hopefully when your child is here they'll show more interest.