Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be embarrassed only 30 of 80+ guests turned up to my birthday party

335 replies

Muddleofpud · 27/11/2022 01:48

Just that really, had a party this weekend, 80+ guests confirmed, only about 30 turned up. Feel embarrassed and let down. Help me get over the cringe 😩

OP posts:
maeveiscurious · 27/11/2022 10:58

Happy birthday 🎂 they were rude and you were kind Flowers

Muddleofpud · 27/11/2022 11:13

Oh my goodness! I didn’t expect all these responses! Thankyou all so much for being so kind. I’ve not read the full thread yet but I will. The cringe is slightly less this morning, but we brought a significant amount of the buffet food home with us so it’s reheated sausage rolls and samosas on the sofa under a blanket for us today!

OP posts:
NameChangedBecauseImHereALot · 27/11/2022 11:43

Aww Op don't worry this happens more than you think! Aunt and Uncle are super social pub landlords and were so surprised at the god awful turn out for cousins post wedding abroad party back in the UK. Think it's a combination of cost, time, weather, everyone being overwhelmed with a million plans at the moment and also people assume they will be the only ones who can't make it. 30 is an excellent number though! With a number like that everyone there would've assumed most if not all of who was invited came. Hope you had a great time:)

Muddleofpud · 27/11/2022 11:47

Also to answer a few of your questions..
I work in a large team and we’ve all worked together for years, most of my guests were current and old work colleagues, who are also my friends.
I had 2 people text me before the party to say they weren’t coming
Ive had no apologies from no shows this morning.
I have however had quite a few texts from people who came to say they had a fab night, so all is not lost! 30 is a good number, I think it just looked worse due to the size of the venue. Thanks again for all your kind comments

OP posts:
SaladBarNanny · 27/11/2022 12:51

pompomdaisy · 27/11/2022 06:47

Well it's just basic psychology op. They want to keep their options open and don't want to disappoint. So say yes. The day arrives. Mm shall we just stay in? Yes it's fine we won't be missed and there's loads of people going already. Add to the mix. Social anxiety established in covid and I'm surprised your turnout was that good.

Happy Birthday 🥳

Basic psychology?! I call that being rude and a really crap friend.

TheFunnyOne · 27/11/2022 12:56

People are just so flaky. DH had 3 out of 15 turn up to his leaving meal once at a previous job! Trouble is people think ‘oh I won’t be missed, it’s just me’ but then if lots of people think like that then it gets noticeable.

PeachyPears · 27/11/2022 12:57

YANBU to be upset by this at all

although it’s a shame to see this post has attracted the competitively antisocial.

Its very easy for most with a half decent social life to get to a guest list of 80, especially for a big birthday where partners would be invited.

NotRightNowNo · 27/11/2022 12:58

This is why I don't have parties! People are rubbish at turning up to stuff. The last party I had for a significant birthday was so stressful. More than half the people invited didn't show and it left me embarrassed, deflated and skint to be honest. So it isn't just you OP. The people who did show are worth hanging on to.
Happy birthday 🎂

StripyHorse · 27/11/2022 13:11

Kolakalia · 27/11/2022 07:58

I agree re people have become way more flaky.

a work party is fine to dip out of though, the only ‘person’ who’d be upset or put out is a company which doesn’t have feelings. Unless they’ve paid for your space and nobody else can fill it, then you should stick to plans. Doing this to someone’s birthday plans is just cruel.

In age old Mumsnet tradition, it's an invitation not a summons.

If people don't want to go, even to a friend's birthday, that's OK. But what isn't on is RSVPing yes and not bothering to show. If it's not your thing cancel in advance.

I do think Covid has made people more conscious of not going out if you are a bit under the weather, but I would let anyone organising know.

Personally, I am not comfortable with crowded indoor places so I wouldn't want to go - I am more cautious than most though having spent time contact tracing and supporting Env Health when there were outbreaks. It makes me more aware of transmission chains (including hospitalisation for someone 4 or 5 steps along the chain).

Cazzie1979 · 27/11/2022 13:30

oh I’m sorry that happened to you, hope you still had a good time. Maybe time to focus more on the friends that turned up.

I agree that some people are so flakey but I don’t think this is a new thing since covid. I remember organising drinks for a group of mums 3 years ago (about 20 confirmed they could make it), then on the night the excuses started coming out, followed by a couple who couldn’t even be bothered to make an excuse just said they couldn’t make it! I now assume that’s going to happen, so when I recently organised drinks with a new group of school mums, I did it across the 2 classes to ensure we had a good turn out to account for all the no shows on the night! I don’t understand it myself, I love socialising and would not agree to go to something if I wasn’t up for it - and would never cancel on the night unless I had no choice (illness, no babysitter etc).

latetothefisting · 27/11/2022 13:50

People are rubbish.

I agree there are often threads on here with posters encouraging others not to go to events they've confirmed attendance and have changed their minds.
I do wonder if these people are the same ones that post saying they don't have any friends/never get invited anywhere/are the ones left out of invites. Or complaining that people didn't turn up to their own wedding/party/event.

I'm sick of it with my own social group - we got to a point where we never went anywhere because not everyone could make x date. So we started arranging things months in the future to actually get a date that everyone says they can make, then half the people then dropped out last minute. So we started arranging things just for the non-flakes and then get moans we're being exclusive!

I fully accept that not everyone is social and some people hate parties. That's absolutely fine, and there is nothing wrong with declining something that isn't your cup of tea. But if you do commit to coming then basic (not even good!) manners is that you should then try to attend, baring properly good reasons.

Look on the bright side, OP, you gave 30 people a great time, and have lots of nice food (I love buffet leftovers!). Plus you can bail on any invites/favours the other 50 ask you for in the future with no regrets!

grayhairdontcare · 27/11/2022 14:26

30 people who love and care for you , came to celebrate with you and you have buffet leftovers, so no cooking today.
Sounds a perfect birthday.

BloodAndFire · 27/11/2022 14:28

@Tulipomania

So? Have people entirely lost their social skills? I look forward to chatting to the partners of DH's colleagues if I go to his work events even if we haven't met before - we still have something in common (our partners' jobs).

It's not hard.
Where have you come from today?
What's your connection to the host?
What are your plans for Christmas?
Do you have children and what do they do?

Might not be hard for you but this sounds like hell on earth. And some of those questions, especially the last one, are really insensitive and rude.

Not sure you should be taking others to task for lack of social skills...

Fizbosshoes · 27/11/2022 14:32

I've had a few things where a person has encouraged me to go to something/take part In an activity that I wouldn't have chosen. I agree
to go and then the person who's idea it was drops out!

ginslinger · 27/11/2022 14:35

I am stunned by how rude some people are concerning invitations. People who don't respond to invitations, impose their own rules on other peoples' parties (bringing along people who weren't invited) and not bothering to turn up.

BloodAndFire · 27/11/2022 14:54

BloodAndFire · 27/11/2022 14:28

@Tulipomania

So? Have people entirely lost their social skills? I look forward to chatting to the partners of DH's colleagues if I go to his work events even if we haven't met before - we still have something in common (our partners' jobs).

It's not hard.
Where have you come from today?
What's your connection to the host?
What are your plans for Christmas?
Do you have children and what do they do?

Might not be hard for you but this sounds like hell on earth. And some of those questions, especially the last one, are really insensitive and rude.

Not sure you should be taking others to task for lack of social skills...

@Tulipomania

To clarify, because my phone messed up the formatting: the question Do you have children and what do they do? is an unbelievably crass and ill-advised question to ask to strangers at parties.

I can think of at least five people I know personally who would be upset by it, for different reasons.

This is perhaps one of the reasons that many people avoid the kind of big gathering with 'husband's colleagues' etc. that you describe. Because of the likelihood of meeting someone who is insensitive enough to engage in 'small talk' without any real consideration of what they are saying.

And yes - I do have my husband's work in common with his colleagues' husbands and wives. And? What kind of great conversation is that going to make? "Do you remember when they messed up the slide deck for that presentation and the Frankfurt office were really cross? Hahaha. Good times."

PuddyR79 · 27/11/2022 15:03

Happy 50th Birthday @Muddleofpud !

Glad you had a good night, the 30 that did attend obviously thought it was a great night too since they're texting to say so today so take comfort in that! Hope you enjoy the rest of the weekend.

BloodAndFire · 27/11/2022 15:13

flingingmelon · 27/11/2022 10:46

Happy birthday OP

Covid has made people very flaky, especially when it's not great weather outside.

I've given up trying to arrange a class Xmas drinks as no one seems to be arsed. Feel a little bit embarrassed so I can see where you are coming from. It's hard not to take it personally.

Probably everyone assumed that you are so popular the place will be jammed and their absence won't be noticed! Grin

Obviously i don't know where you are, so this may not apply to you, but we have had the mum of a child who's just joined one of my children's classes trying to take over and arrange class Xmas drinks.

We are quite a long way through primary school so we have years of knowing what works/doesn't. She keeps saying that everyone is being boring and antisocial for not agreeing to come, but she hasn't realised or thought about the fact that the majority of the families in the class are either:

Muslim, so won't come to the pub
Jewish, so can't come on a Friday night (when she has organised it)
From other cultures where it's not 'the thing' for women to go to the pub in the evening
Single mums or have very young babies

On top of that, for some reason about half the class have December birthdays, so it's a relentless round of parties etc. anyway as well as work dos, Xmas performances, and so on. Over the years we tend instead to do gatherings in the park at the end of the term, so people can bring alcohol or not, people can bring other children if they need to, they can come and go.

I'm saying that sometimes if these things aren't working as you'd hoped, it might be worth thinking about it from the perspective of those you've invited, and thinking why they might not be willing/able to accept the invitation.

flingingmelon · 27/11/2022 16:05

@BloodAndFire

I'm not that invested. I'm the class rep - was guilted into it.

Two or three parents nudged me in to organising it so I put some suggested dates and a location up.

80% Tumble weed.

Nudging parents are still nudging. I'm not even that interested, but I'm stuck with it.

Mary46 · 27/11/2022 16:35

Op Happy Birthday. Im going away for mine. Feel friends have got so flaky you just couldnt rely on them. Hope u enjoyed your night. Hate when people dont show unless a good reason why

Tulipomania · 27/11/2022 16:53

@BloodAndFire Apologies for upsetting you - on reflection my last suggestion was insensitive.

And if people don't want to engage in small talk than can just decline the invitation at the outset.

I'm an introvert and it's literally taken me decades to learn how to manage these situations and clearly I don't always get it right either.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/11/2022 16:55

It’s not great of them, but there’s loads of illness about just now. If you’d invited me, I’d have had to cry off as been in bed ill all weekend.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/11/2022 16:58

flingingmelon · 27/11/2022 16:05

@BloodAndFire

I'm not that invested. I'm the class rep - was guilted into it.

Two or three parents nudged me in to organising it so I put some suggested dates and a location up.

80% Tumble weed.

Nudging parents are still nudging. I'm not even that interested, but I'm stuck with it.

Oh i get this too! I’m the class rep since the two classes (now yr 4) were mixed up in yr 1, and the other class rep persuaded me into it.

Everyone says “oh we must have drinks” “please organise some drinks” etc and then when you do, loads drop out at the last minute. It’s tricky with kids - something always comes up - but I don’t think I’m going to organise any more for whole class any more. People then think you’re desperate to go for drinks, when actually it’s because they asked you to do it!

WhackingPhoenix · 27/11/2022 17:02

I get it OP, I invited all my friends to my 21st but it turned out someone else was having a party the same night and two people turned up to mine. Haven’t had a birthday party ever since as I don’t ever want to feel like that again 😞

I hope you still managed to enjoy yourself ❤️

BloodAndFire · 27/11/2022 17:08

Tulipomania · 27/11/2022 16:53

@BloodAndFire Apologies for upsetting you - on reflection my last suggestion was insensitive.

And if people don't want to engage in small talk than can just decline the invitation at the outset.

I'm an introvert and it's literally taken me decades to learn how to manage these situations and clearly I don't always get it right either.

Thanks, it's not me personally who would be upset by it, but I have multiple friends who have suffered infertility, stillbirth, miscarriage, other friends whose children have died, or have gone non-contact or are in prison or very ill - there are many, many reasons why that's not a good question to ask.

I can also see that some people could potentially be upset by the question about Christmas plans (e.g, if they've been recently bereaved or are NC with family members or similar).

Honestly, I think most of the 'small talk' we are expected to endure is bloody awful, and the prospect of a party with my husband's colleagues (or other group of people I don't know or have any meaningful connection with) is just gruesome and dreadful.

I agree in that case you need to just turn down the invitation rather than not show up, but OP says she invited a very large number of current and previous colleagues, along with their partners. it's not unlikely that some of the colleagues agreed but their partners really didn't want to go (because your partner's ex-colleague's 50th is a bit random, really).