Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants me home to support his mental health

156 replies

LongStoryShorty · 26/11/2022 22:44

So I was a stay at home mum basically for 5 years, in that time I did do some jobs but basically I was looking after the kids and house 100% and he was the one earning money. In that time it was what I really wanted to do. Now I have started working self employed and whilst I am exhausted as I am still the one doing kids and house 100% I do really enjoy it. This job is great for now while I have a kid who’s not yet in school. However I want to go to uni part time (2days a week) to be graduating by the time youngest starts to school, this would allow me to have evenings off to suit family life better and to earn more. Basically my hourly salary would be six times as much as now. I would work less hours, but the monthly income would still be more. While I would be studying I would still continue working so I would be earning the same as I am now, the course is heavily subsidised and I would get money towards childcare fees. I already have childcare sorted for the time I would be at uni.

husband is not really keen on the idea, he wants me to start when DD starts school. He is currently doing a very high pressure project (which is due to stop 6months before I would start uni) but his whole career is high pressure. He’s on the verge of burnout, he’s in therapy for the amount of stress he’s under. He’s told me he wants to end his days, we would be better without him (payout from his life insurance) - I have told him this absolutely would not be the case the children need a father growing up. He said he needs me to be at home to support his mental health, just to keep the house clean as it makes him feel good to come home to a clean house. He also works away a lot and says things like he doesn’t fit in anymore when he comes back as for ex the kids just want me and not him since they’re just used to me being around and doing everything. I think a lot of kids just want their mummies anyways even if the dads were around more than DH is. He says he’s at a breaking point- he can’t deal with anything more. He says if he has a burnout he won’t be able to pay the mortgage anymore so he needs me to just keep the house clean for him.

While I am extremely worried for DH I don’t think your good/poor mental health starts with other people. Me being at home isn’t going to take the pressure off of him. He is always saying his burnout is 100% work and the only thing making him feel better is us. Me earning more on the other hand would take pressure off him. I am not really a fan of keeping the house spotless anyways. Yes the floors get hoovered everyday and dishes put away, but I would much rather spend a day at the farm with the kids rather than spend a day cleaning. Anyways, doing those two days at uni is not going to mean the house will get messier as I am self employed and have people coming over here so I will need to keep keeping it clean and presentable.

Also, I have constantly been making sacrifices so that he could grow in his career and I have been there for him. The way he has been speaking recently has made me think how would I be able to support the kids if something did happen to him, and this reason on its own is actually pushing me to want to do the uni more. I also think it will take years for him to recover from where he is now and it will actually be beneficial if I was able to earn more and help financially or to ensure we still have enough to pay the mortgage even if he’s not able to work.

AIBU? Should I stay home to keep the house clean and push off going to uni by few years (if at all)

AINBU? Should I go to uni to ensure I can earn more and support the family financially should my husband not be able to do so anymore

OP posts:
Soothsayer1 · 27/11/2022 17:48

I have an ex who started threatening suicide back in 2009

mathanxiety · 27/11/2022 19:40

Mine started in 2004. Still going strong.

mathanxiety · 27/11/2022 19:42

Would people say that it’s just manipulation if he had cancer instead of mental health issues?

Suicide is a decision, cancer is not.

GerbilsForever24 · 27/11/2022 20:06

Would people say that it’s just manipulation if he had cancer instead of mental health issues?

No, but if he had cancer, you would expect him to be far more proactive on seeking treatment. OP needs to double check these meds and what's in them. Then, encourage further engagement with the GP to figure out the right treatment. You'd expect appointments, research, effort in finding the right solution....

None of that seems to be happening.

I am 100% supportive of people getting help for mental health. I am also 100% uninterested in people who refuse to get help and use it as an excuse to be abusive towards their partners and families.

MayThe4th · 27/11/2022 20:11

The term “mental health” has become meaningless. Obviously there are people with genuine MH issues out there, but for the most part it’s become a buzz word which is thrown about in order to justify treating other people like shit.

I can’t/you can’t/someone murdered their children/I might kill myself because “mental health”. Bollocks to that.

It’s an insult to people with actual mental illness that all anyone has to say is “I’m suffering with anxiety/depression/insert condition of choice” and people have to bend over backwards not to upset them.

So he needs you to stay at home because cleaning the house is preventing him from killing himself? Yeah right. If he was going to kill himself having a clean house isn’t going to prevent that.

Personally the instant someone threatened suicide if I didn’t bow to their will I would leave.

BungleandGeorge · 27/11/2022 22:39

GerbilsForever24 · 27/11/2022 20:06

Would people say that it’s just manipulation if he had cancer instead of mental health issues?

No, but if he had cancer, you would expect him to be far more proactive on seeking treatment. OP needs to double check these meds and what's in them. Then, encourage further engagement with the GP to figure out the right treatment. You'd expect appointments, research, effort in finding the right solution....

None of that seems to be happening.

I am 100% supportive of people getting help for mental health. I am also 100% uninterested in people who refuse to get help and use it as an excuse to be abusive towards their partners and families.

He’s on medication and having therapy and been signed off sick. So medication and talking therapy what more are you expecting to happen? If my partner was in this situation I’d know what medication they were taking and when they were having therapy (which is very common to have as virtual appointments so him being abroad doesn’t mean this hasn’t happened). I can’t really imagine not having found this out- it doesn’t scream that OP is very supportive or jnterested

BungleandGeorge · 27/11/2022 22:44

mathanxiety · 27/11/2022 19:42

Would people say that it’s just manipulation if he had cancer instead of mental health issues?

Suicide is a decision, cancer is not.

What an awful judgemental post, can I suggest you do the ZSA training. if you want to be judgemental then there’s plenty of judgements you can make for cancer and many other conditions.

mathanxiety · 27/11/2022 23:19

I stand over what I posted. I know what I'm talking about when it comes to someone using a threat of suicide.

I have an exH who threatened suicide as a means of controlling me. Maybe be thankful that you haven't been exposed to such a cold, calculating person in your life.

mathanxiety · 27/11/2022 23:24

If my partner was in this situation I’d know what medication they were taking and when they were having therapy
You would if your partner decided to include you as a partner in his treatment.
If your partner was antagonistic toward you for any reason, or if he was determined to place responsibility for his equilibrium on you as a means of controlling you, then it wouldn't be in his best interests to take treatment seriously, and you wouldn't be allowed to be a partner in his journey toward wholeness, because he wouldn't accept partnership, which involves accountability.

I can’t really imagine not having found this out- it doesn’t scream that OP is very supportive or jnterested
Nice piece of judgement there, based on a foundation of ignorance of what it's like to deal with someone who may well be depressed but is also controlling and abusive.

monsteramunch · 27/11/2022 23:50

How did the uni visit go today OP?

Hope you're ok Flowers

BungleandGeorge · 27/11/2022 23:54

mathanxiety · 27/11/2022 23:19

I stand over what I posted. I know what I'm talking about when it comes to someone using a threat of suicide.

I have an exH who threatened suicide as a means of controlling me. Maybe be thankful that you haven't been exposed to such a cold, calculating person in your life.

You do realise that the thread isn’t about your own personal situation and that you’re making up your own narrative without being based on what OP said? No mention at all of information being withheld, also not the slightest concern expressed for the partner. So could be either of them out of order. You really don’t know what is happening to OP or any other poster for that matter

Soothsayer1 · 28/11/2022 00:00

mathanxiety · 27/11/2022 19:40

Mine started in 2004. Still going strong.

mine too, the stain, the blight, the bane of our lives
although not so strong now, release may come soon, I hope for your yours too🙏
I never wanted this for him, I find no gratification in his suffering

Miss03852 · 28/11/2022 00:07

Mine started in 2004. Still going strong.

That’s kind of a grim thing to say. Some people have depression and suicidal thoughts their entire lives. It’s like you’re implying he was faking it because he didn’t go through with it. Most people with suicidal thoughts don’t go through with it, it doesn’t make their suffering any less real.

mathanxiety · 28/11/2022 00:07

@BungleandGeorge

I know for certain that using a threat of suicide to make a wife stay home and clean, not do a university course that would increase the family income (which would enable him to leave the job that is causing him so much stress) has nothing whatsoever to do with someone's real mental health status and everything to do with an attempt to control.

And again, I'll hand out some free advice - if someone you know talks about suicide or straight up threatens it, call an ambulance/ police immediately.

Miss03852 · 28/11/2022 00:13

if someone you know talks about suicide or straight up threatens it, call an ambulance

She should only call the police if she thinks he’s going to commit suicide not just if he talks about his suicidal thoughts. Don’t use up an ambulance as some kind of “punishment” for the husband. He should feel free to be able to talk to his wife.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 28/11/2022 00:14

Go to uni. Never let anyone hold you back!

mathanxiety · 28/11/2022 00:34

It's not punishment.

It's taking him seriously and getting him the help he needs.

There is nothing to talk about if someone close to you is talking about suicide.

It is wrong to believe that you can help someone who is talking about suicide or threatening it if you have no professional expertise in the MH area.

BungleandGeorge · 28/11/2022 00:42

@mathanxiety not sure why you’re handing me out advice about suicide? You don’t seem to be that knowledgeable as you think suicide is a ‘choice’ and because you knew one person who was manipulative that must be the same for everyone

mathanxiety · 28/11/2022 03:34

I wasn't giving you advice personally on what to do if someone is talking about suicide.

I would advise you, however, to do a little research before criticising my posts here on the topic of suicide threats as a form of manipulation. Threatening suicide is a very well known tactic of abusive and controlling people. My posts here are not based solely on personal experience.

MayThe4th · 28/11/2022 08:04

BungleandGeorge · 28/11/2022 00:42

@mathanxiety not sure why you’re handing me out advice about suicide? You don’t seem to be that knowledgeable as you think suicide is a ‘choice’ and because you knew one person who was manipulative that must be the same for everyone

Go and have a look at the relationships board and see just how many posters there are with husbands and ex’s who threaten suicide when the poster does not give into control.

Go and look up family annihilation, where a party kills both themselves and their children in order to punish their ex.

Suicide is such an emotive topic and the consequences can be so devastating if not taken seriously, that it’s one of the easiest tools to use to control someone. Because no-one wants to say no to someone who threatens suicide in case they follow through.

Soothsayer1 · 28/11/2022 12:38

'Suicide is such an emotive topic and the consequences can be so devastating if not taken seriously, that it’s one of the easiest tools to use to control someone. Because no-one wants to say no to someone who threatens suicide in case they follow through'
Nailed it precisely!

Soothsayer1 · 28/11/2022 12:41

Go and look up family annihilation, where a party kills both themselves and their children in order to punish their ex
These men become so warped twisted and hell-bent on revenge because a woman has decided she does not want to have a relationship with them, because of that he wants to burn the whole world, destroy everything just because a woman said no to him.
Everyone has to die just because he can't get what he wants ☹️

SuperFly123 · 28/11/2022 12:56

Soothsayer1 · 28/11/2022 12:38

'Suicide is such an emotive topic and the consequences can be so devastating if not taken seriously, that it’s one of the easiest tools to use to control someone. Because no-one wants to say no to someone who threatens suicide in case they follow through'
Nailed it precisely!

Spot on

EndlessRain · 28/11/2022 12:59

So he only started talking about suicide once you said you were going to do your course?

I have to agree I think he sounds manipulative - whether it's intentional or not only you can tell. I guess his depression is fuelling his insecurities which is making him want to hold on tighter to you, but it's not on. Carry on with your plans OP, for your own sake anf for your family's. His needs are not the only ones that matter here.

Soothsayer1 · 28/11/2022 13:27

He knows that if you earn enough to support yourself he won't see you for dust because you'll realise what a loser he is, he's piling on the guilt and doing everything he can to drag you back down so that you're trapped with him forever.
Are you going to let him or will you choose a better life for yourself and your children?