Husband wants me home to support his mental health

[LongStoryShorty]

So I was a stay at home mum basically for 5 years, in that time I did do some jobs but basically I was looking after the kids and house 100% and he was the one earning money. In that time it was what I really wanted to do. Now I have started working self employed and whilst I am exhausted as I am still the one doing kids and house 100% I do really enjoy it. This job is great for now while I have a kid who’s not yet in school. However I want to go to uni part time (2days a week) to be graduating by the time youngest starts to school, this would allow me to have evenings off to suit family life better and to earn more. Basically my hourly salary would be six times as much as now. I would work less hours, but the monthly income would still be more. While I would be studying I would still continue working so I would be earning the same as I am now, the course is heavily subsidised and I would get money towards childcare fees. I already have childcare sorted for the time I would be at uni.

husband is not really keen on the idea, he wants me to start when DD starts school. He is currently doing a very high pressure project (which is due to stop 6months before I would start uni) but his whole career is high pressure. He’s on the verge of burnout, he’s in therapy for the amount of stress he’s under. He’s told me he wants to end his days, we would be better without him (payout from his life insurance) - I have told him this absolutely would not be the case the children need a father growing up. He said he needs me to be at home to support his mental health, just to keep the house clean as it makes him feel good to come home to a clean house. He also works away a lot and says things like he doesn’t fit in anymore when he comes back as for ex the kids just want me and not him since they’re just used to me being around and doing everything. I think a lot of kids just want their mummies anyways even if the dads were around more than DH is. He says he’s at a breaking point- he can’t deal with anything more. He says if he has a burnout he won’t be able to pay the mortgage anymore so he needs me to just keep the house clean for him.

While I am extremely worried for DH I don’t think your good/poor mental health starts with other people. Me being at home isn’t going to take the pressure off of him. He is always saying his burnout is 100% work and the only thing making him feel better is us. Me earning more on the other hand would take pressure off him. I am not really a fan of keeping the house spotless anyways. Yes the floors get hoovered everyday and dishes put away, but I would much rather spend a day at the farm with the kids rather than spend a day cleaning. Anyways, doing those two days at uni is not going to mean the house will get messier as I am self employed and have people coming over here so I will need to keep keeping it clean and presentable.

Also, I have constantly been making sacrifices so that he could grow in his career and I have been there for him. The way he has been speaking recently has made me think how would I be able to support the kids if something did happen to him, and this reason on its own is actually pushing me to want to do the uni more. I also think it will take years for him to recover from where he is now and it will actually be beneficial if I was able to earn more and help financially or to ensure we still have enough to pay the mortgage even if he’s not able to work.

AIBU? Should I stay home to keep the house clean and push off going to uni by few years (if at all)

AINBU? Should I go to uni to ensure I can earn more and support the family financially should my husband not be able to do so anymore

he's threatened by your success and trying to sabotage your career so that he can stay in the limelight & feel like star of the show.
You should go to uni to fulfil your ambition and move forward with your life!

YANBU

What course are you doing at Uni OP?

All I get from your posts are him whining me, me me!

Unless you promised to love, honour and be his domestic drudge when you got married, do what is right for YOU.

Basically my hourly salary would be six times as much as now.

Assuming you earn around minimum wage in your current job - even though I understand if self-employed this doesn't apply per se - what job do you think gives a graduate starting salary of £57 ph (before tax)? Especially one that means you never have any work prep or events to attend in the evening.

That's a full time salary of £111k a year!

If you are working for significantly less than minimum wage at the moment, unless it's just for your wellbeing or to develop skills, there's not much point if it's leaving you exhausted.

(Haven't RTFT, apols if this has been said.)

He sounds super selfish are you sure "stay at home and clean" isn't just an excuse to keep you indoors away from meeting new people

He might have a stressful job but why does he think you have it easy you essentially have 3 jobs - work, mum, maid

If I told my partner I wanted to go uni he'd be supportive and help out more knowing I was trying to better myself to help the family

To be honest if he told me to stay home and clean I'd be fuming

He sounds insecure and threatened by your emerging independence.

How dare he expect you to delay your own ambition, your own financial security and your own career to clean the house on the off chance it helps a little with what is clearly an ongoing and acute mental health problem.

If he is threatening suicide he should be seeing a psychiatrist and taking medication.

Hire a cleaner, sure. But I really doubt the house is the issue. He just doesn't want you doing your own thing.

It's only sensible to think about how you would support your family alone. He might kill himself. He might need to stop working for his health. You might decide to leave him. You should prioritise equipping yourself to provide for your family and your own happiness.

I hope your husband gets some help, but YANBU and you should absolutely go through with your plan to go to uni.

It sounds like he's really in a low place with his self esteem and his mood but you can't solely be responsible for that. He's doing the right thing going for counselling and taking time off work and I'm presuming from that his gp is involved.

It may be that he is scared of the changes you going to uni will bring and if he's recognising that maybe the career he has built isn't sustainable for him long term he's scared of the future in general and you talking about your goals and plans are therefore scary to him as well because what if he can't manage and can't support you. I would sit down and go through the maths to see how you can financially make it work and to see if you can as others have suggested hire a cleaner if the house being calm and clean is beneficial for him.

I don't think you should give up on your idea of going though, you have your business, the kids and your family future to consider and if he's suicidal then it will take pressure off you to know that you could manage if he needed to come out of work altogether. Fair play to you op I think you're juggling a lot and it must be really difficult and worrying, just make sure you have friends and people you can lean on when you get tired from keeping all those plates spinning.

While I would be studying I would still continue working

You say this, but you report that you are already exhausted. Degree study doesn't fit neatly into 9-5, you'll need support when you have extra studying, assignments or opportunities such as careers events etc. to do outside those hours. You realistically need at least a 2:1 and preferably a 1st to access most of the best opportunities, and a lot of employers are looking for at least a little bit of extra-curricular engagement (even if you are a mature student with children) so you don't want to be constantly struggling to keep up and missing out on the "non-essential", but actually highly-desirable, parts of the experience. You also need time to make friends with other students too, as that is how you all support each other through the course and buddy-up for revision etc.

Btw I am just encouraging you to be realistic. I want you to be educated, independent, and not to have to put up with the way your husband is dictating to you and curtailing you, as much as the next person on this thread. But if you are making a plan, make one that is achievable. You may be better off studying part time with the Open University or a local university over more years (although I don't know if you can do that in the subject you are aiming for, is it nursing or similar?), for example. Or ditching the really-poorly-paid job while you work and get a bursary/student loan and focusing on doing the degree to your absolute best.😃

Mn bingo in the 1st reply

It sounds like he really is suicidal. Your reaction is to pull away from him. You don't love him any more and he knows it, even if not yet consciously, so he is clinging to you. You need some honest talking.

thank you for all the replies and for supporting my plan to study.

I think if I go to uni we would need to get a cleaner as I would need some time to relax as well.

atm we have counted that it’s saving us the amount we’re paying for our holiday abroad so we decided not to get one for the time being. There’s also a few things we want to get done to the house that will help keeping it cleaner so those are our priority before getting a cleaner.

He doesn’t really tell me a lot about his therapist, but I know he hasn’t seen her for almost a month now as he’s been abroad working. He is on some medication but I don’t know any of the details. I know he is really struggling, but I don’t think me studying will change that. He says sometimes I will be working for a deadline and will need his help to put the kids to bed. I think that will probably happen, but it would also be good for his relationship with the kids if he did put them to sleep sometimes. And it’s very different than his work so would be a good thing for him. He doesn’t enjoy bedtime with the kids as one of them accepts him no problems but the other one will just scream for me, I think if it was regularly for example every Friday or sat the kids would get used to it and it wouldn’t be a problem.

Can he honestly not cope with the idea of putting his own children to bed once in a while?

It's your money but if you believe the clean house is directly related to his mental health then I wonder why you wouldn't prioritise a cleaner over the holiday abroad?

He's already taken what he can of the money you've earned (bollocks was he locked out of his account) so you can't escape, he's now threatening to top himself if you don't put your punny on and do the dusting whilst he's out.

Fuck that. If he's that ill, you need to study so that you aren't plunged into poverty if he acts on his threats. And if, as is pretty clear, it's all bullshit aimed at keeping your under his control, you're going to need to improve your earnings to get free of your prisonguard.

His near breaking point but not wanting you to be in a position to facilitate him walking away isn't good. Some people revel in the drama of a 'big stressful job' and don't really know who they are without it. Get on with your uni plans, one way or the other it will be best for you and the DC in the long term. Either because you've been able to relieve the pressure felt by DH on being the main provider or because you've seen the light and left someone who is justifying his wish for you to stay at home so he can come home to a clean house for the sake of his mental health.

So I had the plans to go and study before he started saying suicidal things. I just haven’t dropped my plans because of those, and it is also making me think I need it even more as I can’t rely on him the same way I have been relying and I think it would help him to take a financial load of so he could actually do something else. The way I see it it’s actually the only way for him from to quit his job that he hates- unless we win the lottery.

Hardly any jobs have a big starting salary though, what sector are you going into?

He wants you trapped at home cleaning.

You need protecting from him.

Stay on your course.

With someone so obviously unsupportive and wanting you in your box, you need to be self sufficient.

You aren't his support human OP. He sounds manipulative and fragile.

Get on with your plans. He will cope.

I was in almost exactly your position 10 years ago (we had savings, though). It sounds to me that you’re not a partnership, him because he’s thinking only about himself, you because you’re thinking about yourself and the Dc.

We agreed that he would work until we’d reached the minimum amount of savings we thought we needed to weather any financial storms. That coincided with our youngest DC starting school FT. At that point DP stopped working, I started studying, we spent our savings and now he’s working again (and, through illness, unfortunately I’m not - for now).

BUT - big but - I trusted him. And he was true to his word. He didn’t ever throw suicide at me. I knew he was really struggling. We talked A LOT. And not once did he tell me he wanted me to stay at home to clean!

You need to talk to him. Communicate, communicate, communicate. There’s more to this than you’ve written here, and you’re getting the answers you want because of that.

YANBU in the least OP

Start the university course when you want.

I very much doubt that the only thing standing between your DH and potential suicide is having the house vacuumed daily OP. And if it is, then employing a cleaner will sort that.

As you rightly say, you being able to share more of the financial burden by improving your career prospects IS thinking of the bigger picture and taking the 'provider pressure' off him. You continuing to stay at home to clean and him having to be 100% responsible for the family finances will not do that. I'm going to be generous in my assessment and say maybe your husband's mental health issues mean he can't see this. In that case he needs to start the therapy he clearly needs. But please be aware that a partner threatening suicide in order to control your actions also ticks the boxes of controlling, coercive behaviour too.

Jesus Christ. The amount of men who expect women to do absolutely everything for them, but the moment their partners want something? Oh woe I'm under so much pressure at work, I can't possibly accommodate your needs for a change...

Go to college. He will have to deal.

So he’s going with me to an open day tomorrow and I was saying to him thanks for driving me there as I know it’s not really his thing and he said that’s ok. There’s no point in even thinking about it unless we know the answers to a few questions and it sounded like he was going to be searching for reasons for me not to be able to do it rather than ok, that could make it more difficult but we would find a solution to overcome that obstacle.

Tell him to wait in a cafe while you attend the open day alone. He will just find fault.

Oh you sad little handmaiden.