Husband wants me home to support his mental health

[LongStoryShorty]

So I was a stay at home mum basically for 5 years, in that time I did do some jobs but basically I was looking after the kids and house 100% and he was the one earning money. In that time it was what I really wanted to do. Now I have started working self employed and whilst I am exhausted as I am still the one doing kids and house 100% I do really enjoy it. This job is great for now while I have a kid who’s not yet in school. However I want to go to uni part time (2days a week) to be graduating by the time youngest starts to school, this would allow me to have evenings off to suit family life better and to earn more. Basically my hourly salary would be six times as much as now. I would work less hours, but the monthly income would still be more. While I would be studying I would still continue working so I would be earning the same as I am now, the course is heavily subsidised and I would get money towards childcare fees. I already have childcare sorted for the time I would be at uni.

husband is not really keen on the idea, he wants me to start when DD starts school. He is currently doing a very high pressure project (which is due to stop 6months before I would start uni) but his whole career is high pressure. He’s on the verge of burnout, he’s in therapy for the amount of stress he’s under. He’s told me he wants to end his days, we would be better without him (payout from his life insurance) - I have told him this absolutely would not be the case the children need a father growing up. He said he needs me to be at home to support his mental health, just to keep the house clean as it makes him feel good to come home to a clean house. He also works away a lot and says things like he doesn’t fit in anymore when he comes back as for ex the kids just want me and not him since they’re just used to me being around and doing everything. I think a lot of kids just want their mummies anyways even if the dads were around more than DH is. He says he’s at a breaking point- he can’t deal with anything more. He says if he has a burnout he won’t be able to pay the mortgage anymore so he needs me to just keep the house clean for him.

While I am extremely worried for DH I don’t think your good/poor mental health starts with other people. Me being at home isn’t going to take the pressure off of him. He is always saying his burnout is 100% work and the only thing making him feel better is us. Me earning more on the other hand would take pressure off him. I am not really a fan of keeping the house spotless anyways. Yes the floors get hoovered everyday and dishes put away, but I would much rather spend a day at the farm with the kids rather than spend a day cleaning. Anyways, doing those two days at uni is not going to mean the house will get messier as I am self employed and have people coming over here so I will need to keep keeping it clean and presentable.

Also, I have constantly been making sacrifices so that he could grow in his career and I have been there for him. The way he has been speaking recently has made me think how would I be able to support the kids if something did happen to him, and this reason on its own is actually pushing me to want to do the uni more. I also think it will take years for him to recover from where he is now and it will actually be beneficial if I was able to earn more and help financially or to ensure we still have enough to pay the mortgage even if he’s not able to work.

AIBU? Should I stay home to keep the house clean and push off going to uni by few years (if at all)

AINBU? Should I go to uni to ensure I can earn more and support the family financially should my husband not be able to do so anymore

He is never giving that job up or taking time off from it and helping round the house: it’s his Big Powerful Job and he needs it to maintain his control and his identify.

I think you should both get cleaner and put university back - presumably you are relying on him to work so you can go to university? He’s told you he’s at burn out and you want to add more? I’ve been to uni - in fact I have a post grad too - it’s unlikely you will finish and walk out to the pay grade you think you will have straight away

Ah, you’re upsetting his perceived balance of power.
If you work/ qualify/ earn well, then he won’t have you where he wants you. He’s upping the ante.
Keep to your plan op

that's one hell of an emotional guilt trip/ blame game on you op. did he start to say he was suicidal before you had a life? be careful there. even at my worst health i've never put someone else's happiness ahead of my own.

Hi OP. I think more info is needed here as to what it is that he actually does; what hours it involves and what you mean by 'high earner.'

I know a lot of women who have put their own career ambitions on hold where the DH had a very high-stress job, but these men are earning millions / potentially life-changing amounts and so it makes sense to prioritise that and run with it (as a family). But if he's earning 80k or something like that, it's too risky to put your career plans in hold. He shouldn't be asking you to.

He could be highly manipulative if he could be ill and not seeing anything clearly. It's difficult for anyone on here to say as nobody knows him. Does he work in banking - derivatives trader or something like that? DH once did that and there is very high burn out. It's been one thing after the next. I'm SAHM and have never been able to even think about working really.

But I always has a cleaner - twice a week!

If he's feeling suicidal he needs to go to his GP and get signed off sick from work! He shouldn't go back until his MH has settled.

If that was my DH I would be concentrating on getting him help. He sounds on the edge and everything else should pause while he gets the help he sounds like he needs. Get a cleaner yes but only so you can support him.

This is uncalled for and doesn’t reflect the OP.

Yes, women only truly love men if they’re willing to sacrifice their own dreams and goals to be his good little skivvy. 🙄

I think if he is still feeling low then he needs to see the GP for a medication review, and commit to seeing the therapist consistently (on the phone or Zoom if he can't do so in person).

@LongStoryShorty Can I ask what degree you are doing that is heavily subsidised and gets you a job paying 6 times your (minimum wage?) hourly rate?

Have you discussed selling house and cars? Take the pressure off, buy a more affordable house and car/s, reduce your monthly outgoings as much as possible.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like you a living a very affluent lifestyle and you could instead live a very comfortable lifestyle.

... And you absolutely should increase your earning potential. YANBU

Follow your dreams OP, you sound very grounded, you know what you want, you know how to make it happen, go for it.

Try not to get sucked into your DH's negativity, he sounds like he'll just keep throwing road blocks in your way as he'd rather the status quo continues.

To suggest you postpone your studies so he can come home to a clean house? Tell him it's not the 1950s and you're not chained to the kitchen sink.

It sounds like you need the higher earning potential more than ever, holding back now might be a really bad idea.

This - and he can pay for a cleaner if he is that her up on it - it is not your job to Hoover and pander to him

You are in a relationship with a manipulative, abusive, controlling man. Do your course and plan how to leave. It sounds like you're doing all the childcare and housework anyway.

So, he wants you to do everything in the home and for the children and does not want you to have your own money and career.

Would people say that it’s just manipulation if he had cancer instead of mental health issues? To prioritise yourself over your partner battling with cancer?
You don’t sound very concerned about him or his suicidal thoughts, don’t know what medication he’s taking nor what therapy he’s having. Either you think he’s not really suffering from an illness and is manipulating you or you don’t really care much for him. Either way it might be best to end the marriage

You should definitely get a cleaner and go to uni. Your DH needs professional help and a change of job or at least to scale down his job . You earning more will surely enable this . So his attitude is illogical . Either due to his MH or controlling ?

He says sometimes I will be working for a deadline and will need his help to put the kids to bed.

Yeah, definitely sacrifice your ambition & independence so that your H doesn't have to put his own children to bed OP.

Also, abandon your studies to keep the house clean - his MH depends on you being his skivvy. He said so - so it must be true.

He doesn't seem to be doing much to deal with or improve his MH. Apart from subject you to increasing demands & control. And I dislike these manipulative suicide threats. He needs to look hard at changing his job, maybe even downsizing from the expensive mortgage & cars you mention, instead of hobbling you by staying in the same role that he says is causing his issues.

His demands are outrageous & he sounds very selfish. That may be a product of his poor MH - or he may just be a sexist knob. Only you can be the judge of that OP - but either way, do NOT accede to his need to limit your career. It's a control manoeuvre. Keep your options open - & good luck with your course & career.

All of the above. Do it OP and don’t look back!!

So what about your aspirations, career development, learning opportunities and mental health?!?! this is your life, it’s not all about your selfish husband. There are options… online shopping, pre-made meals, hire a cleaner, get your husband on medication etc. You shouldn’t be blackmailed into putting your life on hold. And as for threatening suicide well that’s the lowest form of emotional blackmail.
You should absolutely start Uni and put yourself, the way you husband has for years!!

Good luck.

Don’t let him stop you improving your future. If you split, you will be far more secure with the degree. I’m genuinely horrified that he wants you to stay at home to clean, is that what I’m reading?