Husband wants me home to support his mental health

[LongStoryShorty]

So I was a stay at home mum basically for 5 years, in that time I did do some jobs but basically I was looking after the kids and house 100% and he was the one earning money. In that time it was what I really wanted to do. Now I have started working self employed and whilst I am exhausted as I am still the one doing kids and house 100% I do really enjoy it. This job is great for now while I have a kid who’s not yet in school. However I want to go to uni part time (2days a week) to be graduating by the time youngest starts to school, this would allow me to have evenings off to suit family life better and to earn more. Basically my hourly salary would be six times as much as now. I would work less hours, but the monthly income would still be more. While I would be studying I would still continue working so I would be earning the same as I am now, the course is heavily subsidised and I would get money towards childcare fees. I already have childcare sorted for the time I would be at uni.

husband is not really keen on the idea, he wants me to start when DD starts school. He is currently doing a very high pressure project (which is due to stop 6months before I would start uni) but his whole career is high pressure. He’s on the verge of burnout, he’s in therapy for the amount of stress he’s under. He’s told me he wants to end his days, we would be better without him (payout from his life insurance) - I have told him this absolutely would not be the case the children need a father growing up. He said he needs me to be at home to support his mental health, just to keep the house clean as it makes him feel good to come home to a clean house. He also works away a lot and says things like he doesn’t fit in anymore when he comes back as for ex the kids just want me and not him since they’re just used to me being around and doing everything. I think a lot of kids just want their mummies anyways even if the dads were around more than DH is. He says he’s at a breaking point- he can’t deal with anything more. He says if he has a burnout he won’t be able to pay the mortgage anymore so he needs me to just keep the house clean for him.

While I am extremely worried for DH I don’t think your good/poor mental health starts with other people. Me being at home isn’t going to take the pressure off of him. He is always saying his burnout is 100% work and the only thing making him feel better is us. Me earning more on the other hand would take pressure off him. I am not really a fan of keeping the house spotless anyways. Yes the floors get hoovered everyday and dishes put away, but I would much rather spend a day at the farm with the kids rather than spend a day cleaning. Anyways, doing those two days at uni is not going to mean the house will get messier as I am self employed and have people coming over here so I will need to keep keeping it clean and presentable.

Also, I have constantly been making sacrifices so that he could grow in his career and I have been there for him. The way he has been speaking recently has made me think how would I be able to support the kids if something did happen to him, and this reason on its own is actually pushing me to want to do the uni more. I also think it will take years for him to recover from where he is now and it will actually be beneficial if I was able to earn more and help financially or to ensure we still have enough to pay the mortgage even if he’s not able to work.

AIBU? Should I stay home to keep the house clean and push off going to uni by few years (if at all)

AINBU? Should I go to uni to ensure I can earn more and support the family financially should my husband not be able to do so anymore

Go to uni, get a cleaner. But I think you both should consider your attitudes towards maintaining your lifestyle being a higher priority than your children potentially losing their father. Seems a strange attitude to have, you can move house and downgrade your cars, you will actually be fine. Suicide is a real problem with men.

Sorry OP but your husband is an absolute arsehole. Your plan sounds great- I really hope you carry on with it.

we would be better without him (payout from his life insurance)

Not all life insurance policies are the same, but many will not pay out in the coroner finds the person took their own life. I'd be taking his statement about you being better off financially if he took his own life, with a large pinch of salt to be honest.

I'm with other PP - don't let him come around the open day with you tomorrow (my DD didn't let me come around with her to all aspects of uni open days, so that's not unusual), get yourself on that course. There's no reason why your DH can't continue seeing his therapist via Zoom if he's away.

Don't sacrifice your life for his depression - trust me on this, been there, and got the Tshirt

This struck me too.

I wonder if OP believes he is suicidal and the family is actually at risk of that, or whether deep down she believes it's something he says to get his own way.

It is strange to plan your life around holidays abroad and being a SAHP rather than keeping DH alive, if that's honestly what the stakes are.

You can't sacrifice your life for his regardless of any suicidal thoughts he might have.

OP, go to uni. Don't let him talk you out of it. Don't let him emotionally blackmail you the way he does already. You need to do this. He's trying to trap you and keep you dependent on him. His reasoning is completely ridiculous and controlling.
And putting his children to bed is not helping you, it's his children.Cleaning the house is also his responsibility, it sounds like getting a cleaner is the best solution and one you as a family should be able to afford.
At best he sounds like he has trust issues and need more professional support for his MH (you are not responsible for his MH no matter what he says). At worst he's manipulative, controlling, and abusive. Either way you need to get your independence back. It'll benefit you as a family or you and your child separately if you decide to leave.

Don't negotiate this with him because he will find some reason its a bad idea. He is insecure about you doing well and achieving without him. It's nonsense to make it about his mental health. There are probably lots of things he can do to improve his mental health like spending some time with his kids and having a better work-life balance. If he's suicidal he needs a doctors appointment. Having a freshly hoovered floor is not the answer.

Frequent suicide threats can be a form of coercive control - it’s a trump card to stop you going to uni.

Get a cleaner in for a couple of hours a week... Problem solved?

I am very sceptical about what he's said to you. He isn't being honest. I think his fragile ego hates to think of you getting on in work and earning more money.

This with bells on.

You need to get out OP

This man is not your friend, he will sabotage you to control you.

Please please keep your independence, I think you're going to desperately need it.

So basically he’s worried that if you work you might expect him to do some actual parenting if his own children?
god forbid!

this sounds like a classic control tactic from him.
is he actually under psychiatric care? Anyone can be a ‘therapist’

also at the risk of being blunt, life insurance generally won’t pay out for self inflicted death (suicide) and I expect he’s aware of that. If not then he should be.

but this all sounds like a manipulative attempt to keep you as his domestic support human than anything else

Sorry but this is why no matter how my heart ached I'd never stay home after mat leave. Too many 'good' men decide woman is caretaker and take over your life. Fuck men. I love my partner but no way in hell does his career go uninterrupted while I risk my life and then lose my independence for him.

This is a tricky one isn't it, as either your husband is in a really awful place mentally OR, as PP have suggested, he is using the suicide threat as a means of control.

If it's the former and your husband is really in a bad way, then he needs to change career immediately. No money or career is worth this. You will all cope with the lifestyle changes. I don't know how you can get through to him about it, but I'm afraid that is the answer. You doing your course vs being a SAHM is then irrelevant to his MH and you can do as you wish.

If it's the latter, then you need to make it clear you need to do this for YOU, and you are going to do it with or without his blessing. If he doesn't stop the manipulation, I'd leave tbh.

This was my first thought .

Also your DH needs to step away from that job and your income will help . Never freeze your plans around someone else just figure out how it's going to work .

Being generous to your DP here (and having had burnout in a demanding job myself), He's not thinking clearly or rationally. And that means you need to.

Based on my personal experience of being the breadwinner and burned out:

He's probably feeling pretty trapped right now, and rotten that if he snaps then he won't be able to provide for you all. He probably feels that it's his job (as a man🙄) to provide for you all and would struggle if it were the other way round, with you as breadwinner. That negative thinking spiral makes him even more trapped and burned out. When we are burned out we focus everything on negativity and 'can't'. Everything feels on a knife edge. Everything feels precarious and a threat. Everything makes your heart pound with anxiety. Everything makes you want to run away and hide but you know you can't. I thought about how driving off the road would make it better for my family, how getting a horrible illness would mean I could stop working without having to make the decision myself. Dreadful, dark thoughts. Some may say he's gaslighting or using suicide as a threat (he may be) but my experience is that I can recognise those feelings of despair. I said pretty much no to every idea that was put in front of me. Everything felt so hopeless. But that was the burnout talking. Help, support and therapy turned that around.

He needs time off, rest and therapy. You need to get on with life, take charge and do what makes you happy. Your happiness will influence him and lead him in the right direction. He needs your strength right now (even if he doesn't know that or accept it).

In your situation I'd

• Get a cleaner (he will protest but get used to it)
• plan your life to make you happy - do the Uni course. Just quietly get on with it. Don't ask permission just do it.
• make sure your home workspace is self contained or he might start or intrude in it whilst he's off work and drive you nuts.

If you love him, and trust him, support him. You are stronger together even if you don't always agree on what you should do.

Surely if it's all work that is the problem for him it would make more sense for him to drop his hours and you to even more tenaciously pursue your career?

Wow so sounds very manipulative. He is responsible for his own health, not you.

He sounds very manipulative. He needs to address his MH. His request for you to NOT start Uni yet, don't tally with anything related to him: his stress, threatening to commit suicide, coming home and feeling dc don't recognise him.

Just do it!

Being incredibly blunt: If he kills himself you will need a career.

You should not give up your dreams or plans.

Blimey, the more you post about him the worse he sounds!
He wants good little wifey at home where he can keep you chained to the house. Fuck that!
Do your uni course, get a decent job and get a life!
If he is genuinely burning out and suicidal then he needs to see his GP, not control you!