Husband wants me home to support his mental health

[LongStoryShorty]

So I was a stay at home mum basically for 5 years, in that time I did do some jobs but basically I was looking after the kids and house 100% and he was the one earning money. In that time it was what I really wanted to do. Now I have started working self employed and whilst I am exhausted as I am still the one doing kids and house 100% I do really enjoy it. This job is great for now while I have a kid who’s not yet in school. However I want to go to uni part time (2days a week) to be graduating by the time youngest starts to school, this would allow me to have evenings off to suit family life better and to earn more. Basically my hourly salary would be six times as much as now. I would work less hours, but the monthly income would still be more. While I would be studying I would still continue working so I would be earning the same as I am now, the course is heavily subsidised and I would get money towards childcare fees. I already have childcare sorted for the time I would be at uni.

husband is not really keen on the idea, he wants me to start when DD starts school. He is currently doing a very high pressure project (which is due to stop 6months before I would start uni) but his whole career is high pressure. He’s on the verge of burnout, he’s in therapy for the amount of stress he’s under. He’s told me he wants to end his days, we would be better without him (payout from his life insurance) - I have told him this absolutely would not be the case the children need a father growing up. He said he needs me to be at home to support his mental health, just to keep the house clean as it makes him feel good to come home to a clean house. He also works away a lot and says things like he doesn’t fit in anymore when he comes back as for ex the kids just want me and not him since they’re just used to me being around and doing everything. I think a lot of kids just want their mummies anyways even if the dads were around more than DH is. He says he’s at a breaking point- he can’t deal with anything more. He says if he has a burnout he won’t be able to pay the mortgage anymore so he needs me to just keep the house clean for him.

While I am extremely worried for DH I don’t think your good/poor mental health starts with other people. Me being at home isn’t going to take the pressure off of him. He is always saying his burnout is 100% work and the only thing making him feel better is us. Me earning more on the other hand would take pressure off him. I am not really a fan of keeping the house spotless anyways. Yes the floors get hoovered everyday and dishes put away, but I would much rather spend a day at the farm with the kids rather than spend a day cleaning. Anyways, doing those two days at uni is not going to mean the house will get messier as I am self employed and have people coming over here so I will need to keep keeping it clean and presentable.

Also, I have constantly been making sacrifices so that he could grow in his career and I have been there for him. The way he has been speaking recently has made me think how would I be able to support the kids if something did happen to him, and this reason on its own is actually pushing me to want to do the uni more. I also think it will take years for him to recover from where he is now and it will actually be beneficial if I was able to earn more and help financially or to ensure we still have enough to pay the mortgage even if he’s not able to work.

AIBU? Should I stay home to keep the house clean and push off going to uni by few years (if at all)

AINBU? Should I go to uni to ensure I can earn more and support the family financially should my husband not be able to do so anymore

This. If earning money was really putting so much pressure on him, wouldn't be be encouraging you to bring in an income, the chance of which would be boosted by studying a good course and getting qualifications? He's manipulating you.

Ok so he sounds under an immense amount of stress and probably isn't thinking all that straight. The house being clean is a major anxiety for him but he isn't in a position to contribute to that so the obvious solution is that he pays for a cleaner.

I have huge sympathy for him as change stresses me out too but your plan is the one that will benefit the family in the long run. His plan just amounts to frantic doggy paddling to stay afloat. Your plan is better and to really support someone with mental health problems, you need resources to do so. That resource is often money. If he is on the edge of burn out, you will need that higher salary sooner rather than later.

Why is he in a job that is making him feel suicidal??

He needs to change jobs asap!!

So his varwer success abd mental health depends on you acting as an unpaid housekeeper and shelving your plans.

What does he think single people or couples both with high powered, stressful careers do? You suck it up or buy in help. Surely also your plan means soon you will be in a position to earn more and allow him to take a step back. Don't lwt him trap you in to low paid work in order to facilitate his life.

Arrghh! Career! Why can't we edit stuff on here?

Just had another thought.

Get some longterm contraception sorted - Mirena, for example.

Because if threatening to kill himself doesn't work, his next thing will be that he's absolutely desperate for another baby.

I feel for your partner. It sounds like he's really struggling. I also feel for you and for what you want out of life.

Marriage/LT relationships are a partnership and it does sound like there's going to be a lot of pressure and stress on he family with his stressful job and your studying. I recently went to uni and it did put a big strain on us.

He needs to be happy too. In the old days women stayed at home and supported husbands, and one wage would have been enough. I am not saying this is right, but we are now living in a world where families are under a huge amount of stress as a result.

Good luck.

I mean that sort of set up can work for couples if both agree to it, but I understand that is not what the OP wants. If a clean house and ordered personal life is so important, he could go part time and clean the house couldn't he? Strangely men don't seem often to be up for that loss of status and economic power.

If his mental health is so bad he's considering suicide, then you staying home to clean is not the answer. The answer is proactively seeing a GP, seeking therapy, taking time off work if necessary and/or changing careers. And both of you adjusting to the reduced pay.

Incidentally, depending on what he does and who he works for, he could potentially take some time off, paid, due to significant mental health problems. this is quite common in higher paying industries albeit not guaranteed.

I was sympathetic to him until you said the suicide talk started when you said you're going to uni. So his suicidal thoughts are because you won't be available? That's a serious issue. If it's true, he needs the above suggestions even MORe and if it's not true, he's a controlling manipulative ass.

@GerbilsForever24 she already said that he’s taking medication, having therapy and is signed off sick at work

There are ways of managing this without cutting pay significantly or denying your partner the right to a fulfilling career. In my area of work, where more senior roles can be high stress and long hours, some people (not just those with children) work a nine day fortnight. This means there is only a small reduction in pay but a three day weekened every other week to do a hobby, sort the house out, destress etc..

Another thing people do is save up leave and take pretty much the whole of August off. Admittedly this is possible as our work us drive a lot by the political calendar so August is a very quiet month.

@BungleandGeorge No, she said he's seeing a therapist but hasn't gone for at least a month. So clearly not taking it seriously.

She said he's on medication but she doesn't know anything about it. So, benefit of the doubt, perhaps he is, but it doesn't sound like he really is.

And in terms of taking time off, I read it as he's said he will take time off but hasn't yet. We know he hasn't because he's been working abroad for the last month.

basically, it sounds like he says a lot of things, but doesn't actually do them or follow through.

Reading your posts, it really reads as a very controlling relationship.

Has he paid that money back?
Sounds very convenient that he has

Get

Get that money back.

How convenient.

Your husband is quietly abusive and controlling.

He does not have your back.

We wants you at home doing his biding, controlled at all times.

His threats of suicide are further abuse to controll you.

You need tell your gp and ring 101 for support the next time hie does it.

Shine a light on it.

Tell family and friends.

This is not a good man.

What he's saying isn't right for you but it sounds like he's desperate, really struggling. A cleaner is part of the answer to his concerns but really he needs help and fast.

What does concern me is that 2 days a week university will require at least the same again in study, do you have the time - my DD's full time degree is 2 days a week of lectures and lots of private study. A part time degree takes 6 years normally, full time is 3

If having a clean house is what's going to stop him feeling suicidal he needs to pay for a cleaner. Along with regular therapy, and a medication review. Not forcing his wife to be his unpaid skivvy against her will because it makes him feel better.

Genuinely it sounds like work is taking his toll, but he needs a new job, not to stop you from getting a better job. And quite frankly if he isn't willing to take ownership of his own mental health then you need that new career more than ever.

Its all very well the few posters on her implying you should stop your own life to support his. But my cousin did that. She put her life on hold for years giving into her husbands increasing demands to do things his way or he would kill himself. What he wouldn't do was get consistent professional medical help. Funnily enough when he met another woman who wouldn't put up with it he did get medical help, leaving behind my cousin with no money, no job and her own mental health issues caused by him.

No. Dont do it. All you would be doing is facilitating his choice to ignore the real problem which is that he can't continue with his work stress at that level and he needs to address that head on, not expect others to make allowances so he can carry on over extending himself.

Getting cancer isn't a recognised coercive tactic. Saying you will kill yourself if your partner doesn't do what you want is.

And the parents and grandparents I know who have had cancer don't entirely abdicate all parenting until they are completely physically incapable of doing it. Wanting a SAHM so you don't have to clean or put your own children to bed once a week isn't something people with MH worries ask for typically.

Whenever anyone kill’s themselves everyone always asks “why didn’t they tell anyone? Why didn’t they tell us how their were feeling?” This is why. They’re accused of faking it, wanting attention, being manipulative etc.

That doesn't mean the converse doesn't ever happen. Threats of suicide are frequently used as manipulation. I am currently dealing with someone professionally who does this.

OP says he has therapy and medication. So he is talking. That doesn't mean she has to change her whole life to suit him, just in case.

Do it, don't wait. It will never be the right time if you don't and you will regret it.

Most suicidal people don't threaten to kill themselves if their spouse won't give up her career to clean their house for them @Miss03852.

It's kind of a big clue as to how serious he is ...

If having a clean house was the sole thing that would stop a man from committing suicide cleaners would be available on prescription.

Instead the OP is doing her best to work, care for the kids, do the housework and upskill herself so that her OH will be able to take a less stressful job in the long term.

She isn't blocking his therapy, medical appointments or meds.

Sometimes what people with depression want isn't actually what's good for them and giving them that doesn't make you a good partner.

My husband used to make similar requests of me while saying he felt on the edge of suicide. I divorced him.

Guess who's still alive?!

Now I have started working self employed and whilst I am exhausted as I am still the one doing kids and house 100%

You are not just a support human for your h. You are your own person.

Your h needs to manage this own mh. He doesn't sound like a great partner - useless w with the kids, focused on his own career, and wants to control you.

What is he doing to help hire own MH? He needs to do more.

Doesn't he care about your happiness and aspirations??