To think not everybody regrets terminating

[Struggling2]

I am in this situation now and really struggling with this decision, I have an 8 month old DD and just found out I am pregnant. My marriage is very rocky and DH has been staying at his mums, I really wanted my marriage to work so I have been so preoccupied with that, I feel so guilty that I am in this position, but I know I can’t have another baby in this situation, it wouldn’t be fair on my DD.

I was with someone who couldn't offer any surety of a lasting relationship. So I had one. He left the next day. We still tried to make it work for years but he cheated several times and we eventually split for good.

He eventually married someone else and had 3 children. I havent necessarily regretted it but due to religious and societal pressure I have and continue to feel a tremendous amount of shame. I have never had children or had a relationship since. I know that if he tells anyone I alone will be held responsible and judged where he won't be. I live local to him and I suspect he has told people, he wouldn't have any loyalty to my feelings about it. I regret how it has affected me and how I can never tell anyone, no close friend or family.

It's really not a nice topic for IABU. It's hopefully never a decision taken lightly.

Yep. It's been shown in an academic research paper:

www.ucsf.edu/news/2020/01/416421/five-years-after-abortion-nearly-all-women-say-it-was-right-decision-study

On MN there's a small minority of women who regret theirs and are very very vocal about it. Also, those who regret it are almost always the ones whose decision wasn't 100% their own, having been pressured by partners or family.

The many more women who feel nothing but relief are not on here talking about their experience with anyone who will listen, they are out there living their lives.

So take anecdota with a grain of salt.

No, not everyone regrets it. I had a termination at a time of life when a baby wouldn't have been possible, and I've never regretted it even one. I've never looked back, I've never thought "what if". It was a huge relief, honestly.

Do what you feel you need to do and don't feel pressured to choose otherwise.

I was 17.
I knew I could be more than a single mother at 17, it was never an option for me to continue with the pregnancy despite the termination clinic showing me the ultrasound screen with my 8 week foetus after I explicitly told them I didn't want to see.

That was 29 years ago and I do not have one single regret.
Everyone has their reasons, take heart in the fact we have a choice.
Make the best choice for you.

I never regret it and never even think about it tbh it hasn't had any affect on me really and I'm generally quite an anxious sensitive person.

The research has been done, and the vast, vast majority of women don't regret the decision and recover fine.

I regret it but I was forced into it by my mother and the drs sided with her (this was in 2000 so absolutely shocking). She emotionally abused me for years and years prior to this and then locked me in and threatened me, took me to appts where she spoke for me.
I told professionals I was being forced against my will and nothing happened??? Years later i got my notes and they said things like ‘lostwithouteachother wants to continue but I want her considered for termination ‘ , ‘lostwithouteachother refused the procedure today but her mother wants it rebooked so we will rebook’ and even the next occasion when I went and after having pessaries inserted and saying I wanted them out and to go they wrote ‘patient v distressed. Doesn’t want procedure. Wants pessary removed. ++distressed couldn’t understand her request so went to theatre’ plus much more. Totally let down and regret it massively. I too was anti abortion for a few years after I’m not now because I see how my choice was ripped away from me and nobody should have their choice ripped away so I’m pro choice whatever that may be for each person.
It was exactly 22 years ago tomorrow for he so this was hard to write

I've never regretted mine. As a barely sixteen year old there was no way I could raise a child.

I had three terminations, two through contraceptive failure and one after I’d had children. My youngest is disabled and I knew I couldn’t cope with another child. I have never regretted any of my abortions. I’d rather not have gone through them but they were the right option for me at the time. You can only make your decision based on you current circumstances, don’t try and second guess your future self. Good luck x

In India and China abortions are seen as another form of family planning and are normalized so much that miscarriages are often referred to as abortions. So no not everyone regrets them.

I terminated when I found out I was pregnant with number 3 in my 40's. I'd had my first 2 children very close together in my late 30's, and although I love them dearly, I found it all very difficult, and when I found out I was pregnant with number 3 just at the point when I was coming out the other end of the baby and toddler years, my mental health took a nosedive.

I don't regret my decision to terminate at all, and I know that sounds pretty harsh. Although sometimes I do wonder what life might have been like with another child. I do regret putting myself in that situation though, mainly because my termination ended up being very difficult with 2 failed medical terminations followed by a surgical termination. It wasn't easy when I had 2 young kids to look after at home and I had to pretend everything was fine. It was definitely the right decision for me and I don't have any regrets over the decision I made.

I hope all works out ok for you.

I certainly don't regret it. In fact, it was one of my more sensible decisions.

Zero regrets here! Even though it felt like an impossible decision to make before I went through with it. Afterwards it was nothing but relief

from my experience you feel guilt. Then you remember the circumstances and why you chose to terminate, so you feel ok about it.

And then a while later, maybe days, weeks, months, something makes you think about it more deeply and you feel guilty again. And then you remember the circumstances and are reminded why you chose to terminate and you feel ok again.

And it just goes on like this. For me it’s never gone away. As my kids grow, I sometimes think how I’d have had an X year old child by now. Or occasionally I wonder what they would’ve looked like.

it’s a cycle I think sticks with you forever. At least it has me. But that’s not the same as regretting. Just make it for the right decision.

Id urge you to not make the decision based on wanting your marriage to work though…because if it DOESN’T, that might trigger real regret. Make the decision for you and your daughter only. If you don’t want to be a single mum to two kids or whatever other reason, fair enough. But don’t do it so you don’t lose a man.

I had one when I was early 30s. I was a single parent to my DD and I got pregnant by a man I didn’t really care about so I terminated. It’s been 17 years or so and sometimes I forget I even did it. So no regrets at all.

my DM terminated because she didn’t want to be tied to my dad for longer than necessary (I had a younger sister) and she never regretted it. She said she would’ve regretted keeping it as she wouldn’t be able to financially take care of me and two siblings on her own.

I don't regret my decision to terminate. I occasionally feel slightly sad, but I know it was the right decision

make It for the right reason, sorry, not decision

I wouldnt be using China as an example of freedom and choice....

I would suggest that the vast majority don't regret it - and hence you don't hear much from them because they have just moved on.

That doesn't mean it's not a hard decision in some instance, and I hope you find peace I whatever you decide is best for you and your DD.

It was an easy decision for me and one I've never regretted.

I don't regret mine. It was absolutely the right choice.

I might not be the best person to give an opinion as I have never been pregnant (and that’s by choice). You said that to have another baby wouldn’t be good for your DD. In your circumstances at this precise time, a termination is the best thing for you and your DD. In my opinion, you need to put the needs of your already-born child above the needs of an unborn child.

I dont regret mine at all. Sometimes I feels pangs of guilt and occasionally think about what might have been. Those feelings have been coming back recently since friends have started having babies and dd2 has asked if she will have a younger sibling, I still believe I made the right choice and would make it again if I fell pregnant again.

I am sorry your in this position OP 💐

I have a very different view to abortion to what everyone is writing here but I am not here to bash. Its hard to determine how you'll feel tbh until it's either done or not done. I do suggest maybe seeking some counselling. I was pressured to go and terminate my first baby when I was young and un-married with no stable job but like you, I was very lost in my emotions. I did get counselling and ultimately I made the decision to keep my baby, and fast forward years later I cry at the fact I even thought of terminating my child. That's just my very own experience. I have zero regrets and things worked out in the end!

Sending hugs OP x