AIBU to be upset that friend told me I couldn’t get pregnant before her wedding?

[LilyPad11]

My best friend is getting married next December and has asked me and another of our childhood friends to be bridesmaids.

To provide a bit of context I had a really traumatic late miscarriage in august which DF knew about, and I was always open about wanting to TTC again once me and my husband were ready. Fast forward to now and DF asked me to be bridesmaid last week which I was so happy about. I was talking to her today about being worried we would not conceive again or suffer another MC and her only reply was ‘you are not allowed to get pregnant before the wedding, I will be really angry with you’

The wedding is still a year away and I really don’t want to put our TTC plans on hold for that long but I feel like now if I do get pregnant it will be overshadowed by the feeling of disappointing my DF. I really don’t want any bad feelings around this potential pregnancy as I will be so lucky just to carry a healthy baby and I don’t want anything to get in the way of that happiness.

Sorry for the essay but basically AIBU to feel really upset about this situation?

As ever, posters on MN all too eager to cry LTB (as it were) when it's someone else's life they're dealing with.

If I think of the women who were my bridesmaids, or who I have been bridesmaid for, they are among the very dearest people to me on the planet. Even if they hurt me, I would move past a single hurtful comment I like to think, and I would like to think they would do the same for me in a foot-in-mouth moment.

We only know one interaction. Maybe it's part of a wider picture and OP should run for the hills. Or maybe it's a deep friendship and the friend was an idiot for the night but is otherwise wonderful.

Please do not put trying to conceive on hold just for her wedding, I did this with my friend due to her wedding being postponed due to covid. I eventually got pregnant, but it took a while and I have had a miscarriage in the past so was a lot of worry. If you become pregnant and she doesn't like it then don't be her bridesmaid. She doesn't sound like a great friend to be honest, I would never say something like this to one of my friends, especiallly one having fertility issues.

Embarrassingly enough I was a bit like your friend 🙈 luckily my sister pretty much laughed at me, and then we agreed that she would stop trying for the month that would have meant she’d be due at the time of the wedding. She was quite pregnant by the time of the hen/wedding as it happened.

Your friend will feel sheepish before long, and especially once she is in the position of wanting a baby now-now-now (and I’m guessing she will be in that position soon enough!).

Exactly, she's no friend

She can't make that demand! I would step down from being a bridesmaid.

Your bride tone friend is utterly ridiculous and cruel to say that

Ofc you continue TTC
It's your life and your husbands and her wedding doesn't not trump pregnancies or babies

Two of my bridesmaids were preggers by time I got married ... my only reaction as a bride was to ask what bridesmaid dresses they would be happy with- , if they felt up to being a BM still- and how I could help them of make things or BM dresses better for them.

During my wedding, not only were two of my god daughters there chattering away 😁- but both their little bump siblings were being grown in BMs in our photos ! Happy memories...! 🥰😎

I made sure their DM dresses could be changed/ altered /or even new ones made same colour different style/ if need be, and that they could step out to rest at anytime. One of my BMs had a nap in our wedding room on our bed at the hotel during the day! Happy for her to pace herself as she needed that Kip! 😍

That's what friends do... my wedding never trumped my friends and their babies' health x

Genuine question, but why? Why did you feel that way about someone getting pregnant when they're at your wedding?
Is it the way they look, or what? Genuinely trying to understand as I couldn't have cared less what people wore to my wedding, or if they were pregnant, I just wanted them there on my day

Bride to be not bride 'tone' sorry

I would have to text her and say that you hope she was joking when she said she would be angry if you got pregnant before the wedding but that, if she was serious, you don’t know how easy it will be for you to conceive so you won’t be putting plans on hold. If that’s a problem for her perhaps it would be better if you aren’t a bridesmaid.

So, I am assuming she is younger than 25 - and she wants from now until her wedding to be 'all about her'. She is completely up her own bum but may not be aware of it. She probably did mean it, she just hasn't gone through enough of life to know that, what she is focusing on is completely unimportant - a picture in a nice dress - and that her wedding day is not the sole focus for everyone else.

I know you wrote OP that you are going to assume that it was a joke and ignore it - but I think that would be a mistake that will cause more heartache along the way. I do think you need to return to the conversation with her and make it clear that if she does mean that, then you will have to step back from being a bridesmaid but you would love to help in another way and offer to help with the flowers or something.

What! Absolutely not. I’d say in that case I can’t be a bridesmaid. It’s one day of her life and your whole future. She’ll realise what an absolute knob she’s been once she decides to have children

I was a bridesmaid for a close friend when I was 7 months pregnant and she was nothing but happy for me

She is not a friend and the fact she knew such sad news and thinks she can control when you have a baby is an utter joke. It's your body, your mind and when you are ready you will do whatever you want to do and she cannot get in the way of your ttc journey. I personally wouldn't want to be a bridesmaid after that. Completely selfish. And VERY insensitive, disgusting behaviour tbh.

She’s being unreasonable. Technically if you ttc soon and fall pregnant then you won’t actually be pregnant at her wedding.

I wouldn’t put ttc on hold for her life plans, go ahead and ttc when you’re ready. Sorry for your previous loss.

Yep!

We need more martyrs like you!

Tell her that you are very touched that she asked you to be bridesmaid but at the moment you are at the stage of your life that you want to conceive and that is your priority. You will be delighted to attend as a guest but don't feel you are able to take in the role of bridesmaid. Then swiftly move the conversation onto something else x

What an awful thing to say to someone who has suffered such a dreadful loss. I’m afraid I would message and say it’s best she ask someone else as you truly hope it may be possible you will be lucky enough to be pregnant.
And I really and truly hope you are.

And of course, I'm terribly sorry to hear of your loss. Good luck on your journey x

I also had a late miscarriage a few years ago and it is still one of the most painful things I have ever experienced.
She is not much of a friend saying that to you OP. At a minimum I would withdraw from being a bridesmaid . I would struggle to forgive that comment and withdraw from the friendship I think as well. Sorry for your loss and I wish you all the best.

She could have the power to literally change the child you end up having if you listen to her - in no world is that okay. She has absolutely no say in it and she is not a friend for saying that to you knowing what she knows. Sending you all the positive vibes for TTC 💐

Sorry for your loss
for her it’s her wedding day. To you it’s just another day. Do you want to put your life on hold for other people life? I hope not. You are not unreasonable at all

This though you might risk the friendship which might be painful but proofs she’s not a good friend

You are NBU!!!

Her wedding day is just that - a DAY!! She has no right to dictate what anyone does for a whole year before! I'd even argue she doesn't have a right to tell your exactly what to do on that day either, she can decide some things but can't run your life.

If my best friend said that to me, not only would I not be a bridesmaid anymore, I'd not be going to the wedding full stop and would be questioning the friendship. What a truly insensitive comment to make whether joking or not.

Your friend is a tw@.

Im very sorry for your miscarraige loss, i also hope your 'dear' friend never has to go through that heartache.
I feel like if she did the world would reviaalve around her needs.
As pp have said. Thank her for the offer but regretfully decline as she should know how you feel about TTC.
Conception doesn't follow timelines and you certainly shouldnt wait for her.
Would you tell her not to TTC after shes married because youll be angry with her? And would she listen?
Of course not.

Your 'dear' friend is basically asking you to abstain for over a year!?
Has she placed the same demands on the other bridesmaids? Perhaps theyre TTC but havent told anyone!?

She is not a friend I'd want.