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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trying to stop my son seeing this woman

137 replies

oldcatlady65 · 26/11/2022 08:44

My son has been seeing a woman for going on a year. She's actually a nice girl and when I saw them together they looked genuinely happy. He is absolutely besotted with her.
But she has 2 children and their father has some kind of hold on her and she keeps going back to him. The first time my son was beside himself. Then when it goes tits up, he welcomes her back with open arms. I've said why doesn't he try going on dates with other girls who don't have this baggage but he says he loves her and doesn't want anyone else. I know they've been meeting this week.
AIBU to message her and tell her it's best to leave him out of this, or give him some kind of sterner telling off about her? I'm worried about him getting hurt again.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 26/11/2022 08:46

Step back and stay out of it.
The more you pull, then more it pushes him to her.
Believe me, I’ve been there.

jtaeapa · 26/11/2022 08:47

The problem is that he has demonstrated to her that she can go and leave him, cheat with her ex and then he will have her back happily. Therefore nothing is stopping her doing it again. Rather than directly trying to break them up, I would try to work on his self esteem somehow - why does he think it's OK to take a cheating partner back?

IsItaCowIsItaPlane · 26/11/2022 08:47

Steer well clear. Do not get involved. You will end up with a son who resents you. It's up to him to decide what to do. Not you

Chomolungma · 26/11/2022 08:48

Don't message her OP. It just makes you into the bad guy. Leave it and hopefully he'll end things himself.

HikingforScenery · 26/11/2022 08:49

This must be a painful situation to witness! Unfortunately, you can’t do anything about it. He’s an adult.
You’ll just end up alienating him. By all means , introduce other people to him but all you can do really, is to be there for him.

Cr3ateAUsername · 26/11/2022 08:51

I’m assuming he’s old enough to not have his Mummy getting involved?

GrubzUp · 26/11/2022 08:51

Unless your son is under 16 then stay well out of it.

Sunflowergrow · 26/11/2022 08:52

your son is an adult, as much as you love him and want the best for him you cannot message his adult girlfriend about their relationship- that is very much overstepping.
what’s worse is they will probably still stay together and she will just not like you and avoid you which puts your son in a very uncomfortable position.

all you can do is love him and guide him IF he asks for guidance.

BlibBlabBlob · 26/11/2022 08:53

How old is your son? How old is his partner?

PermanentTemporary · 26/11/2022 08:53

Sounds very tough and I would find it hard to see my ds in the same situation, but telling him off or interfering is a very bad idea. Just be a warm and accepting mum to him.

Josie6 · 26/11/2022 08:53

I wouldn't get involved. Unfortunately the best outcome for you (and anyone who has the benefit of distance and the rationality that comes with that) is that the relationship ends and your son moves on. Unfortunately it sounds like the last thing your son wants, or needs. Just spend time with your son, but don't get too involved in his relationship. If you say anything about the relationship, I would veer towards talking about how your son has been/seemed, rather than her poor behaviour.

Frustrating I know!

pictish · 26/11/2022 08:55

I wouldn’t embark on a campaign to split them up, no.
If he’s that determined to be with her despite the ex and the cheating, he is NOT going to listen to you. In fact, what is more likely to happen is that he’ll get defensive about his choice and work harder to prove himself right by upping his devotion.
This is a waiting-it-out long game. You’ll be there with the hankies and hugs when it finally falls apart.

Josie6 · 26/11/2022 08:55

I made a mistake in my post - your son doesn't need the relationship!

Januarcelebration · 26/11/2022 08:58

As your son is an adult (I presume) you texting her will achieve the exact opposites and push them back together.

All you can and should do is support him. Eventually, he will see the light. But if you give them a common enemy (which would be you) you will push them together.

As hard as it is with adult children, you need to let him deal with this. It’s not easy but you need to back off.

OkOkOkOkOkOk · 26/11/2022 08:59

You need to let him make his own mistakes. Imagine someone telling you what to do....

AngelaoftheNorth · 26/11/2022 09:00

Stay out of it. He is presumably am adult.

ittakes2 · 26/11/2022 09:00

I would go the other way and make a genuine effort to welcome her. It will improve your relationship with your son so he feels he can trust you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/11/2022 09:03

How old is he? Does he live with you?

It must be hard but don’t message her. You risk pushing him into a them vs the world dynamic which will commit him further and potentially damage your relationship with him. It sounds like he wants to save her…

DelphiniumBlue · 26/11/2022 09:04

It's painful to watch, but he is an adult and it would be really inappropriate for you to message her. It would however give her the impression that he is a mummy's boy which might cause her to dump him!
I doubt he would forgive you for belittling him like that, though.
You can only counsel him through it. You can't "tell him off", he is a grown man and has to make his own choices and mistakes. And who knows how this will end up, he might end up being with her longterm and you will want a good relationship with them both.

Georgeskitchen · 26/11/2022 09:06

It's very hard to watch your children getting themselves into situations where they are clearly being used and abused but sadly you have to stay in the background.
Talk to him and ask him how long he is prepared to tolerate this, could he take on someone else's children , what does he think k the effect of all.this is having on these children? Quite damaging I would imagine.
So keep talking to him and be there for him but he needs to scales to fall from his eyes and eventually hopefully they will.

Snnowflake · 26/11/2022 09:07

What are his finances like - if he is a penniless schoolboy it’s not a great attraction for someone with 2 DCs. If he is a 21 year old law student - well maybe.
do you finance him?

YellowTreeHouse · 26/11/2022 09:09

YABVU. This is absolutely none of your business.

Redkettle · 26/11/2022 09:13

I remember when I was 18 I fell hard for this boy. He broke my heart when he went back to his ex cue my mum sat up with me all night trying to make me feel better. Stupidly I got back with him. Did my mum say anything to me? No. She let me make my own decisions but the next time she saw him she said break my daughters heart again and you'll have me to deal with haha. Stay out of it op. As hard as it is

MavisCruet2023 · 26/11/2022 09:14

I see what you're saying, her personal life sounds chaotic.
But - you're better off to stay out of it.

You can get more involved once she's pregnant with your son's child - which would absolutely not surprise me.

Afterfire · 26/11/2022 09:16

Do not message her. Do not get involved. If they end up together you could lose your son completely and potentially any grandchildren too. Just nod and smile and stay out of it.