Trying to stop my son seeing this woman

[oldcatlady65]

My son has been seeing a woman for going on a year. She's actually a nice girl and when I saw them together they looked genuinely happy. He is absolutely besotted with her.
But she has 2 children and their father has some kind of hold on her and she keeps going back to him. The first time my son was beside himself. Then when it goes tits up, he welcomes her back with open arms. I've said why doesn't he try going on dates with other girls who don't have this baggage but he says he loves her and doesn't want anyone else. I know they've been meeting this week.
AIBU to message her and tell her it's best to leave him out of this, or give him some kind of sterner telling off about her? I'm worried about him getting hurt again.

I think I'd be strategically honest and say you understand that he loves her but it worries you that he has such poor self esteem that he puts up with someone constantly dumping him and choosing someone else over him. Say to him that whoever he ends up with, you want to help him work on having healthier self esteem, so he values himself and refuses to put up with the scraps again. She should choose him and stick with him, and he needs to have enough self-worth to say this to her.

They are both early 30's

give him some kind of sterner telling off

For goodness sake. You don't go giving any adult a 'telling off'.

She's actually a nice girl

She's also an adult. A woman.
And you have no idea if she's nice or not.
Even your son can't vouch for that, he's only known her a year & she's given him major grief already.
As for you other son's report about her being abused by her husband - how would any of you know? It could be Crazy Ex Syndrome, ie she's the abusive party, painting her husband as crazy for sympathy while she has her cake & eats it.

Whatever - what's most striking about your posts is how enmeshed you seem to be. Of course you are worried - we all would be in yout situation - but your go-to response is to resort to controlling tactics like "stopping him" & "telling him off".
Is this a pattern with you & your son?
Do you think he has maybe grown used to being told what he can & cannot do, so his autonomy & boundaries are skewed, leading him to accept this hurtful push-me pull-you dynamic with this woman?
Your son has moved home, has had at least an episode of depression, is not doing great financially despite being hard working ... what's really going on there? How is his self-esteem doing - to be landed back at mum's, & have a problematic g/f? Instead of talking down to him like he's an errant child, you might do better gently probing into the causes of his low mood & self-destructive romantic choices, & encourage to see his GP for a check-up, possibly meds & definitely counselling.

I missed the bit about them being in their 30s. In that case you gave absolutely no business getting involved. You will alienate your son for sure.

You can’t do anything OP.
My db had dc with a woman who really was awful to him.
They eventually split but his new relationships are always similar.

I hope your ds does establish better boundaries but unfortunately he may always have a saviour complex.

have not gave.

No way. You can’t be for real. No one would do this surely? 😱

Would you give a friend a "stern telling off" @LisaLovedUp ?
Contact their romantic partner to warn them off?

No?
Because it's best not to presume to do that to friends. Or adult children.

Messaging her will make no difference. Do not get involved in that way.

If a conversation came up I would be reassuring son he deserves better. Don't be too negative about the woman just things like "she isnt in the right place to treat you properly or she is obviously struggling with what she has been through but dumping you regularly is not ok"

See now I actually feel for the girlfriend. Bear with me..she has 2 children with a man who has clearly lowered her self esteem to the point she doesn't believe she can cope on her own,

"Clearly" @Tessabelle74?

Really?

That may be true. It's far more likely not to be.
Sounds far more like a standard play from The Script used by cheaters who want all the comforts of domestic life, with cake on the side.
I can't see how a vague impression of abuse conveyed by this g/f to OP's son, to OP's son's brother, then by that brother to OP, is in any way "clear"!

Yes, it's difficult to watch our children suffering but he's an adult and has made this choice and is continuing to do so. And in fact asking him to move away from this woman will only make him feel pressurised by you and potentially become a bit distant in the light of your attempts to control things. Much better to just accept his decision and be there to talk it all through, if you can do that. Just keep loving your son, who is now an adult, as he makes his own decisions and mistakes. It's called life and we all have things to experience... good and difficult. A big hug to you... everyone would want their kids to be happy all the time but its not reality, sadly.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/men.php

He's being emotionally abused by her. He needs to use contraception to prevent sti's and a pregnancy.

Keep out of it.Don't criticise her,even if he does. Just be mom,someone to listen if necessary. You don't want to lose your son. If she is a mistake it is for him.to find out. No I told you so either if it does go tits up. Must be very difficult for you.

I know someone in the same situation, no one is saying anything because the messanger is clearly going to get shot and it won't work. Im not willing to lose a friend over it even if its plain to everyone else whats going on because never once has some thanked anyone for medelling in their love life.

@KettrickenSmiled tell me you know nothing about controlling abuse without telling me you know nothing about controlling abuse. My ex used to threaten to take my dog for a long drive and leave her if I didn't do what he wanted, he sat in the river once to "try and get pneumonia so he'd die and I'd feel guilty" he gradually got me to a point that I'd do exactly what he wanted for a quiet life as the sulking was too much, I eventually met a lovely man who made me feel like I had worth, it took months for me to see that though and leave my ex. It actually took 15 years and only after watching a programme with Vicky McClure in to realise how controlling he'd been and that it was actually abuse I could prosecute him for now! The OP said she seems lovely, I think the fact abuse is even a potential factor should be explored more

You will look like a looney if you go messaging her! and your son will hate it! Let him learn from his own mistakes.

I would make very sure that she knows that there will be no financial support for them, it tends to make this sort of woman run a mile.

@ilovesooty she's on both my son's Facebook friend lists.

Jesus. What a mess. I’d be willing hi jaway from that total shit show, but there’s absolutely nothing you can do.

Give him a stern telling off?? Are you for real? Stay out of it, its literally nothing to do with you

Under no circumstances would I contact his partner. You will come across as far too interfering and you’re setting yourself up for a situation where he might feel the need to choose between the two of you.

You’ve already suggested he see other people and he’s made his feelings clear. Other than telling him you’re always there for him, there’s nothing else you can really do that won’t risk pushing him away.

This is so hard
I think your only option is to keep quiet really but it must be horrible to see your son get treated this way

Don't be silly @Tessabelle74

I disagree with the notion that a forth-hand rumour is fact.
I'm very sorry to read about your history & hope you are much recovered.
But please don't use it to score points unless you want to get into a game of competitive abuse survival & lose ...

tell me you know nothing about controlling abuse without telling me you know nothing about controlling abuse.
Also sorry to read your knee-jerk response to being challenged is to denigrate the challenger by weaponising your story.
I know how abusers often paint themselves the victim - for cover & extra drama.
I know about ACE, CSA, violence that has left my body peppered with scars.
I know about financial abuse, abuser alcoholism, coercive control, death threats, eventual police involvement, lawyer, barrister & injunction.

Not entirely sure how that makes my reservations about this woman's fourth-hand story any more or less credible, but you seem to imagine that first-hand experience makes you an expert, so thought you might appreciate my own.

Siding with a self-proclaimed 'victim' just because you too have been a victim is plain daft. The abuser mindset is canny, & usually paints itself the righteous party. Victims are far more likely to self-blame.

He's 30. You can give him advice if you want but if you deliberately try and come between them you will probably ruin the relationship with him permanently.

He will see it as An act of betrayal.
He will see it as you to blame for taking the love of his life away.
if it does continue you won’t be able to support him.
it will make everything awkward as she will then no what you think of her.

This is why my parents knew nothing about my personal life beyond 16