Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Trying to stop my son seeing this woman

137 replies

oldcatlady65 · 26/11/2022 08:44

My son has been seeing a woman for going on a year. She's actually a nice girl and when I saw them together they looked genuinely happy. He is absolutely besotted with her.
But she has 2 children and their father has some kind of hold on her and she keeps going back to him. The first time my son was beside himself. Then when it goes tits up, he welcomes her back with open arms. I've said why doesn't he try going on dates with other girls who don't have this baggage but he says he loves her and doesn't want anyone else. I know they've been meeting this week.
AIBU to message her and tell her it's best to leave him out of this, or give him some kind of sterner telling off about her? I'm worried about him getting hurt again.

OP posts:

fancyfrogs · 26/11/2022 10:48

YABVU to contact her but yanbu to be concerned. You absolutely cannot tell him off though and feel you have any place to get involved in a relationship between 30 odd year olds apart from give advice and support if/when he needs it.

Kitkatcatflap · 26/11/2022 10:50

I agree, you can't message anyone or break them up. Try and you risk alienating him further and he already has the the 'star crossed lovers' scenario in his head.

Only you can do is be there for him - as painful as it is to sit back and watch.

Of course you are going to worry. I think the key is his brother. Can the brother suggest a day or couple of nights out, perhaps a short holiday, activity weekend - something fun to open his eyes up.

redtshirt50 · 26/11/2022 10:51

Do not message her.

That is crazy behaviour. All you can do is be there for him if and when he needs it.

Hbh17 · 26/11/2022 10:53

Your son is an adult and this has absolutely nothing to do with you. How do you have the nerve to even consider interfering in another adult's life?

Hellno44 · 26/11/2022 11:01

Tell your son you love him and will support him no matter what. The do just that. If you approach her you will alienate him.

Blossomtoes · 26/11/2022 11:05

Keep your beak out. It’s none of your business.

Whoopy · 26/11/2022 11:14

oldcatlady65 · 26/11/2022 09:19

They are both early 30's, she's a couple of years older I believe. He doesn't really talk to me about her as he knows what I would say, but he does speak to his brother who tells me bits. Her ex partner is high earner, where as my son although he works every hour god sends, doesn't have much, and he currently is back at home with me. I think her ex was quite abusive towards her and my son thinks he's brainwashed her into believing she won't be able to leave him, can't afford it financially, can't find housing etc. My son has told his brother she is his soulmate, he loves her deeply and adores her children. I think his brother tried to get him to see the woods from the trees too, but he didn't listen.
My DS has suffered from depression before and when she first dumped him, the way he was brought back memories of that for me. It's breaking my heart.

I really know how you feel OP. My ds, who is 29, has a partner who is 40. He’s absolutely nuts about her and he also says she is his soulmate. They got engaged after only being together for 4 months! I actually like her, but she has a lot of baggage, including an abusive ex. She also has 3 children, ranging in age from 6 to 20 and was sterilised after her youngest was born. They have split up twice, but got back together as they are meant to be together.

The advice I would give is to say nothing to either of them. He won’t appreciate you “interfering” and it could cause problems between you if you do. It is difficult to stand back, when you think they are making a mistake, but I think you have to. I love my ds and if he genuinely finds happiness with his fiancée I would be happy for him. On the other hand, if they do split up, he knows that I would be non judgmental and be there for him.

If you do “interfere” and they split up, then in all likelihood he will lay some of the blame on you, which is the last thing you want.

FlissyPaps · 26/11/2022 11:21

You don’t believe she’s good enough for your boy do you?

You describe her having children “baggage”. That’s vile. You even say you suspect that childrens father was/is abusive to her. So you really have no idea what this woman could be going through.

Stay out of it. All you can do is be there for your son. It’s his decision. Do not message her.

You have every right to be concerned about your sons emotionally wellbeing, but do not have the right to interfere and tell 2 grown adults what to do.

Snnowflake · 26/11/2022 11:22

Has your son had lots of girlfriends in the past. I suspect he has not and this one is his true love in his eyes.

I'm not sure, as they are similar ages, if it is such a disaster.
I would just stay out of it. It sounds as if she is not too keen anyway as she returns to her ex whenever he calls.

Snugglemonkey · 26/11/2022 11:23

You need to stay out of it. He already cannot talk to you because he "knows" what you will say. Your job is to support him and I see that you are trying to, but support is different from control, or making decisions for. Hard as it is, you need to back off and let things run.

3peassuit · 26/11/2022 11:39

He’s 30 and old enough deal with his own love life. Also, I can’t imagine giving my adult children a “stern telling off”.

Rosscameasdoody · 26/11/2022 11:39

Noooooooooo !! If you message her, she will show the message to your son at the first opportunity and you’ll end up the bad guy. They’re adults, and as painful as it is, there isn’t much you can do about it - if you interfere directly in their relationship you’ll risk losing your son.

As others here have said, I would step back and if she drops him for her ex again, that’s the time to maybe work on his self esteem and point out to him that she will continue to do this for as long as he continues to indulge her - for her, it’s a win win situation. Be gentle though, because direct interference will have it’s consequences if they do end up together.

limabeans · 26/11/2022 12:07

She has him wrapped around his fingers, and if you interfere and push, you push him away and closer to her.

Take a step back, tell him that that you are proud of him that he can love her children, welcome them into your home , be nice....then your son will not see you as a threat to their relationship. He will open up to you more, otherwise he will just move in with her and shut you out of his life.

katepilar · 26/11/2022 12:11

oldcatlady65 · 26/11/2022 10:33

@ilovesooty she's on both my son's Facebook friend lists.

And how do you know that? I consider this a private info?

YellowTreeHouse · 26/11/2022 12:21

katepilar · 26/11/2022 12:11

And how do you know that? I consider this a private info?

Show quote history

Friends lists aren’t private unless you set them to be.

CarefreeMe · 26/11/2022 12:21

YABU

I know it’s hard but you need to refrain from saying anything negative about her or to her as that makes them even more eager to stay with them.

I have known a few people like this over the years and it’s honestly heartbreaking and I don’t envy you one bit.

My friend’s daughter has just got back with her ex who has been in jail for beating the crap out of her which he did on a regular basis.
My friend used to cry and beg her daughter to leave him or not get back with him and contact him herself but nothing worked.

She made herself ill with worry as she was waiting for the phone call to say he had killed her.
Recently she said to her DD that she can’t cope with the worry and that this is completely her choice and will stay out of it - after a few weeks her DD told her that they’re still together but she’s decided to get a job and maybe get a place of her own.

My friend had to stay neutral and just say that sounds good let me know if you need any help but it’s weird that now she has backed off a bit her daughter is coming to the realisation on her own.

Unfortunately your son needs to learn the hard way on his own.
I’ve lost count of the threads on here where women are in shitty relationships but refuse to leave.

One day he will see sense and then you can be there to support him.

Suffrajitsu · 26/11/2022 12:27

There is nothing more cringeworthy than the mother of a 30 year old interfering in his love life. Just don't even think about it.

MissBattleaxe · 26/11/2022 12:28

Our job as a mother is to be there for our kids when things don't work out, even if we can see the future before they can. You just have to let it run its course and hope he learns something for next time. Sit on your hands, grit your teeth and support him. He has to see this through to the natural end.

Mari9999 · 26/11/2022 13:06

As others have said, nothing positive will come from your interfering in this relationship. Your son will resent you, and the woman will either ignore you or use your words to damage your relationship with your son.

All that you can do is wait for the inevitable and be there for your son. With luck, his next soulmate won't come with so much baggage. If at 30 this is his first serious relationship, you should hope and pray that he is not setting himself to be a rescuer in his romantic relationships. Users can spot and will prey on rescuers.

PearlclutchersInc · 26/11/2022 13:10

Listen when he complains but keep quiet.

Really, he has to make his own decisions and you sticking your oar in will win you no favours.

Then be there for him when it all goes south......

Liorae · 26/11/2022 13:15

Sounds like she's cheating on her children's father with your son rather than the other way around.

dcontour · 26/11/2022 13:19

They are both early 30's

You can't give a man in his early 30's a "stern telling off" about a woman he is seeing. And nor can you interfere by messaging her. It's hard but you have to stay out of it.
The only thing you can do is talk to him and support him when it all goes tits up.

balalake · 26/11/2022 13:51

The only reason I can think why you should intervene is if there is evidence of DV or coercive control by the ex, which should be a police matter.

Nothing you have written suggest this is the case.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 26/11/2022 14:21

A stern telling off !He's in his 30s. You've just got to sit back and watch the shit hit the fan here (if it going to) and be there for him. You can't go round giving grown adults a stern telling off. If someone told me off like a naughty school girl I'd be on the floor laughing until it wasn't freakinfunny anymore, and I'd do the opposite of what I was told to do. People are stubborn Op and don't like being dictated to , even if (which I can see you do) have their best interests at heart.

CambsAlways · 26/11/2022 14:25

God I wouldn’t interfere he’s 30 ffs hardly a teenager! We all love our Adult children but you must learn to let him make his own life choices and be there if they fail

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6