Page 2 | Trying to stop my son seeing this woman

Original poster

oldcatlady65 · 26/11/2022 09:19

They are both early 30's, she's a couple of years older I believe. He doesn't really talk to me about her as he knows what I would say, but he does speak to his brother who tells me bits. Her ex partner is high earner, where as my son although he works every hour god sends, doesn't have much, and he currently is back at home with me. I think her ex was quite abusive towards her and my son thinks he's brainwashed her into believing she won't be able to leave him, can't afford it financially, can't find housing etc. My son has told his brother she is his soulmate, he loves her deeply and adores her children. I think his brother tried to get him to see the woods from the trees too, but he didn't listen.
My DS has suffered from depression before and when she first dumped him, the way he was brought back memories of that for me. It's breaking my heart.

OP posts:

Lalliella · 26/11/2022 09:20

How old is your son? Presumably he’s an adult? You can’t go round giving adults stern tellings off! And definitely don’t message her, that would be weird - controlling and intrusive. He needs to come to his own conclusion. Stay out of it.

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 26/11/2022 09:21

Must be heartbreaking tlo see, but don't get involved. He needs to know he can come to you when it all inevitably goes to tits up.

The problem is that he has demonstrated to her that she can go and leave him, cheat with her ex and then he will have her back happily

Don't like this though. Who said she's a cheat?

There's likely alot of issues at play here regarding the father of her children, so I wouldn't judge her too quickly either.

butterfliedtwo · 26/11/2022 09:23

You can't get involved. He's an adult. If you message her, it probably won't go well.

Afterfire · 26/11/2022 09:23

I think you should encourage your son to move out. You’re too involved with his life to be honest. It isn’t good for either of you. (I say that as someone who lived with my mum till I was 32).

OkOkOkOkOkOk · 26/11/2022 09:24

He doesn't really talk to me about her as he knows what I would say

Maybe it would be better to show him your support, give your opinion if asked for it, but if not asked you're just pushing him away. * *

J0CASTA · 26/11/2022 09:25

jtaeapa · 26/11/2022 08:47

The problem is that he has demonstrated to her that she can go and leave him, cheat with her ex and then he will have her back happily. Therefore nothing is stopping her doing it again. Rather than directly trying to break them up, I would try to work on his self esteem somehow - why does he think it's OK to take a cheating partner back?

This is good advice .

Redburnett · 26/11/2022 09:37

Just keep talking to your DS about the fact that any relationship with her is not a relationship between two people but actually more like a dysfunctional threesome including her ex. Even if she does stop going back to the ex your DS will still have to contend with the ex regarding child contact. I hope he sees sense but you can only gently encourage him to see the bigger picture and hope.

LisaLovedUp · 26/11/2022 09:37

I don't get the idea that parents can say nothing just because their children are older.

Does that mean we don't say anything to a close friend if they are being used or making a dreadful mistake?

Is there any difference?

Zanatdy · 26/11/2022 09:38

Don’t message her. Your son is an adult who can make his own mistakes. Just be there to support him

Tessabelle74 · 26/11/2022 09:44

See now I actually feel for the girlfriend. Bear with me..she has 2 children with a man who has clearly lowered her self esteem to the point she doesn't believe she can cope on her own, then she has your son, who sounds lovely and must feel like a dream come true compared to the baby daddy, but she's worried about her children being in a horrible house with money so the baby daddy's control kicks in. I'd be welcoming her into to your family, let her see she CAN break away and make a good life for herself and her children

sopeas · 26/11/2022 09:46

Unfortunately, as difficult as you might be finding the situation, your son is a 30-something adult. I’d be mortified if family members got involved in my life in this way (secretly messaging a DP telling them to back off) and I’m younger than your son is. You have to let people make their own mistakes. It’s sad as I’d agree with you - this situation is not good for your son but you cannot involve yourself in it and risk your son resenting you for it.

reesewithoutaspoon · 26/11/2022 09:47

Don't message her. If he believes her to be his soulmate then you will just make this a him and her against the world scenario and reinforce their bond while driving your son away from you. it will achieve exactly the opposite of what you want.
Just be there to support him.
He's not a silly teen, he's a grown man, mistakes are his to make.

AnyFucker · 26/11/2022 09:51

Fgs do not message her. It will likely ruin your relationship with your son forever

By all means have a mother get Le chat with your son but whatever happens Ist be his own decision

thecatsthecats · 26/11/2022 09:51

LisaLovedUp · 26/11/2022 09:37

I don't get the idea that parents can say nothing just because their children are older.

Does that mean we don't say anything to a close friend if they are being used or making a dreadful mistake?

Is there any difference?

The relationship is inherently different. Your friend never used to be entirely dependent on you for love, survival and approval.

Which isn't to say that you can't give advice, but it has to come with tact and skill.

Just because you taught someone to tie their shoelaces, doesn't mean you can or should be telling them how to do everything else for the rest of their lives.

Schnooze · 26/11/2022 09:54

If you and his db have tried talking to him, then there is nothing more you can do.

Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie · 26/11/2022 09:55

Holy crap I thought you were going to say 17, 18 or something! He's in his 30s?! That's definitely old enough to make mistakes without mummy holding your hand! He's an adult!

WilsonMilson · 26/11/2022 09:56

He’s a man, in his thirties. You can’t get involved and shouldn’t do anything except give him your honest opinion. Ultimately you could end up the bad one here if you get in the middle of this. Just be there for him, he has to make his own mistakes.

Bestcatmum · 26/11/2022 09:58

I loathe my daughter inaw but DS and her would never know and I never interfere or comment even when she is nasty to me
I just ignore it.

LisaLovedUp · 26/11/2022 09:59

Which isn't to say that you can't give advice, but it has to come with tact and skill.

Just because you taught someone to tie their shoelaces, doesn't mean you can or should be telling them how to do everything else for the rest of their lives.

Did anyone suggest she should be tactless?

And take on board that many adult men and women end up back with their parents if their relationships go wrong (how many women here are told to run to their parents, to escape a bad relationship?)

Or the parents have to step in when things don't work out.

I have a cousin (male) who had to live with his parents in his 30s when his marriage broke up and he had a breakdown.

The OP has already said her son has had depression, so it's only natural she is worried.

ZeppelinTits · 26/11/2022 10:00

The fact that he's telling his brother stuff but not you is a sign you're already well on the way to alienating him completely. Is that what you want? If so, keep going as you are, and soon he won't tell you anything at all. He might end up with this woman and be happy, but it will be too late for your relationship with him, if you're already estranged by that point. What a terrible shame that would be.

All children want is a warm, accepting place to fall when they are down on their luck; all you need to do as a parent is to be there for him and let him make his own mistakes. If you played the long game you would see this woman's situation with clarity and compassion, welcoming her into your family so she had the strength to finally leave her abusive ex-partner.

Isitsixoclockalready · 26/11/2022 10:01

oldcatlady65 · 26/11/2022 08:44

My son has been seeing a woman for going on a year. She's actually a nice girl and when I saw them together they looked genuinely happy. He is absolutely besotted with her.
But she has 2 children and their father has some kind of hold on her and she keeps going back to him. The first time my son was beside himself. Then when it goes tits up, he welcomes her back with open arms. I've said why doesn't he try going on dates with other girls who don't have this baggage but he says he loves her and doesn't want anyone else. I know they've been meeting this week.
AIBU to message her and tell her it's best to leave him out of this, or give him some kind of sterner telling off about her? I'm worried about him getting hurt again.

All you can do is be there for him - it hurts to see your own child potentially getting hurt but I don't think that it'll do much good getting involved.

Bedazzled22 · 26/11/2022 10:03

This will be painful to witness, but you can’t get involved in his life. You will just ruin your relationship with him. I think what I would do is try and encourage him to work on his self-esteem and do other things. Ideally, you want him to develop further interests, so he meets new people and realises there are more soulmates out there. Can you plan a trip away and say could he go with you as you dont want to go alone? A weekend in a city or something. (Don’t talk about the relationship at all.)

CaptainMyCaptain · 26/11/2022 10:05

I agree with everyone else. I know someone whose 16 year old got deeply involved with a woman twice his age with two children. She obviously wasn't happy but held back and stayed in close contact with her son. After a few years they broke up and he was able to come to her for support. He didn't lose anything except maybe a few years of his youth but has a better relationship now and a good job and, crucially, never fell out with his family.

ilovesooty · 26/11/2022 10:05

I don't understand how you would even have her contact details to be able to message her.