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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Trying to stop my son seeing this woman

137 replies

oldcatlady65 · 26/11/2022 08:44

My son has been seeing a woman for going on a year. She's actually a nice girl and when I saw them together they looked genuinely happy. He is absolutely besotted with her.
But she has 2 children and their father has some kind of hold on her and she keeps going back to him. The first time my son was beside himself. Then when it goes tits up, he welcomes her back with open arms. I've said why doesn't he try going on dates with other girls who don't have this baggage but he says he loves her and doesn't want anyone else. I know they've been meeting this week.
AIBU to message her and tell her it's best to leave him out of this, or give him some kind of sterner telling off about her? I'm worried about him getting hurt again.

OP posts:

rangagirl · 27/11/2022 17:46

If you want to bring it up with your son, I suppose you might be able to consult other parents in this situation and find a strategy for a scenario where he might consider listening for 5 seconds before storming off in annoyance... but contacting HER to lecture her about how to conduct her life is completely out of line. Completely. She will not only totally ignore you, she will tell your son, who will turn on you and possibly even completely cut you off!

This is not your problem to solve.

If she dumps him again and he's 'inconsolable', you CAN either console him or tell him that the couple have been in that exact same boat before, so you don't know why he expects it will change (whilst you comfort him)... that will give you a chance to use tough love to put in your 2 cents.

But in that scenario, HE is coming to YOU for help. Asking for sympathy from someone who is going to tell you something you don't want to hear doesn't make them the bad guy... because YOU asked.

So you have to save your 2 cents until then, most likely.

But whatever you do, do not go after her. That definitely will not end well - not for you and not for him.

TrixieMixie · 27/11/2022 17:47

Back off. I'm shocked anyone would even contemplate sticking their oar in.
Interfering will at best definitely not help and will probably make it all a whole lot worse. Just be there, if needed, to pick up the pieces. Assuming you have brought up your son properly, to have strong self-esteem, ethics and values, then he will find the right way through this.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 27/11/2022 17:50

Just be there for him. If you interfere, it will turn him against you. Hard but you can only sit back and wait I'm afraid.

LaDamaDeElche · 27/11/2022 17:58

God no, do not message her. So overstepping it's unreal! Your son is an adult who is entitled to
be fully in control of his own private life. All you can do is be there is he feels like talking to you. If anything focus on helping him and his confidence, as he clearly doesn't have much to be somebodies plan B. Any conversations should be had with him, not her.

lindyloo57 · 27/11/2022 18:16

This was me, I went back to my husband a few times, I felt guilty for my two children of 3 and 5 at the time, in the end I made the right decisions and went back to my boyfriend, we have now been married for 35 years

Missingpop · 27/11/2022 18:28

How old is he 16; it’s his life leave him to live it; he’s a big boy he doesn’t need his mummy doing his bidding for him & he won’t thank you for poking your sticky beak into his affairs & you know it; asking for justification on here is just your attempt to clear your conscience a bit, you need to take a step back & keep quiet; let him do what he wants to do, after all it’s his life!!!

Moonshild · 27/11/2022 19:14

This is so hard as you can see your sons pain BUT he will not forgive you for interfering. Be patient, support him without judgement and let it run its course.
But also be clear to him that it worries you.
That you respect his choice but that you don’t necessarily agree with what he’s doing.

Lovely13 · 27/11/2022 19:30

It’s so hard to see our sons and daughters getting hurt and not want to intervene. Offer a friendly ear and a shoulder to cry on. Gentle advice. Nothing more, tempting as it may be. We can’t live their lives for them. Even if we think we know best. He’s lucky to have you caring about what happens to him. But mums have to take a back seat once they’re adults, a loving one. But it is up to them to make a success, hopefully!, of their lives. 😍

Wibbly1008 · 27/11/2022 19:31

Please stay out of it. You’ll make him look ridiculous if you start getting involved - he is a grown man.

angela99999 · 27/11/2022 19:35

Just stay out of it, their relationship will fail or succeed whatever you say. My daughter was in something similar recently, he was divorced but clearly did not want to commit to her. Eventually, after he broke up with her quite a few times, she saw the light.

Elliecat7 · 27/11/2022 19:37

NO WAY do you want to get involved in this situation! Maybe your son doesn’t mind… he might like it the way it is. Maybe he goes out with others that you’re unaware of. You can’t control others. They do what they want anyway and he’ll blame you big time when he finds out, and he will find out.

cakewench · 27/11/2022 19:51

YABU to consider contacting the woman, absolutely do not do that. They're both grown adults in their 30s, they don't need mum getting involved.

I should add though, I do really understand why you would want to. But it will not have the effect you want it to. Almost no one listens to reason, especially the parental sort, when a love interest "has a hold on them".

Elecktra22 · 27/11/2022 19:58

It’s a really difficult time for her so maybe don’t judge it how it is now. It’s their relationship and they can work it out

AiryFairyLights · 27/11/2022 20:30

oldcatlady65 · 26/11/2022 10:33

@ilovesooty she's on both my son's Facebook friend lists.

I’m sorry @oldcatlady65 i know exactly where you are coming from because I have just loved this for the last year BUT you have to step back and let him make his own decisions, even if they do turn out to be mistakes. It is one of the hardest things to do, but please take it from someone who knows. He’s already not telling you stuff because he knows what your reaction will be. Offer a supporting ear and let him know you will always be there for him, but that’s all you can do x

AiryFairyLights · 27/11/2022 20:30

Lived not loved

RFPO77 · 27/11/2022 20:34

Oh good god no why would you think that was appropriate 😳 it's none of your business, if one of my parents did this I can't imagine I'd talk to them again, there's parental concern on the one hand, ok but this is overstepping boundaries in a way it's difficult to forgive. Mind your own business!

Elecktra22 · 27/11/2022 20:49

are they splitting up solely because she is going back to her husband or are there issues in their relationship?
your son did know the situation and still wanted to embark on the relationship, it was always going to be fraught for a time

browneyes77 · 27/11/2022 21:06

I get it OP. Despite the fact he’s a grown man, to you he will always be your baby boy.

I’m 45 and my younger brother is 40 and my mother never stops worrying about us. No matter how old we are she will always see us as her babies. She’s uber protective of us. Always has been and always will be.

As much as you are worried, you really have to take a step back and let him make his own mistakes. You cannot interfere.

God knows my mom has had to restrain herself over the years when we’ve dated people who mistreat us, but she has. And instead has just been there for us when it inevitably goes tits up. Because she knows we’re grown ups and have to deal with things ourselves and in our own way, no matter how much it hurts her to see us being hurt.
That is part and parcel of being a mom.

If you intervene, it will only backfire and you’ll be the bad guy. And you risk damaging your relationship with your son.

He’s got to figure this out himself and make his own decisions, regardless of whether you disagree with those decisions. He’s a grown man.

He has his brother in his ear already, let his brother talk to him about this stuff. Just be there for him if he needs you.

Original poster

oldcatlady65 · 27/11/2022 21:06

@Elecktra22 As far as I'm aware they were happy. She stayed over here a couple of times when she didn't have the children and they always seemed to be laughing. From what I've gathered she couldn't afford to keep her own house and felt she had no where to go but back with her ex.
I think she's telling my son she loves him but can't find a way to be independent enough financially to leave her ex, I personally think what a load of bull she's feeding him.

OP posts:

Elecktra22 · 27/11/2022 21:08

but if she had left, surely she had some financial arrangement? Does she work?

Nutsgalore · 27/11/2022 21:14

Stay out of it. You will push him closer to her. I’ve been there and had to work through it in my own time and way before I ended the relationship. My mum pushed me closer and closer to the person she was trying to get me away from.

LaDamaDeElche · 27/11/2022 21:19

oldcatlady65 · 27/11/2022 21:06

Regardless if she's "feeding him bull" or not, he's allowing this to happen. No one's holding him at gunpoint, nor is he a wet behind the ears young boy who has no life experience. He's in his 30's. We all have to take responsibility for our own lives, and unless there's abuse involved
or something like that, he is equally responsible for the situation as he keeps taking her back. Leave them to it. It's really not your business, apart from to be there for him if he needs/wants you too. You have no business talking to her about their relationship at all. If you do, and she ends up actually properly breaking away from her ex and making a future with your son, you'll possibly lose the relationship you have with him as you'll have conflict with her. If she listens to you and finishes it for good with him and he finds out you had a hand in it, he'll blame you solely and you'll also lose the relationship with your son. Meddling in this by talking to her only has one outcome for you. You really need to see this. It's hard, but once our children are adults, we can't meddle in their personal business, only be there to support them when they need us.

THEDEACON · 27/11/2022 22:22

Back off your son is a MAN in his 30s your opinion absolutely does not matter !

Sennelier1 · 27/11/2022 22:33

I think you need to stay out of this unless you want to lose your son.

amispeakingintongues · 28/11/2022 00:18

Assuming your son is 16+ you can’t do anything. Either option will push them closer together, you can only be there for him when it all falls apart

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