To be upset that my family ate dinner without me on my birthday?

[Icantsleep3am]

How would you feel if it was your birthday, you worked the whole day, then cleaned the house, did the school run, all the while looking forward to the evening to celebrate, and when you popped out to buy a birthday cake, your husband cooked and ate dinner with the children without waiting for you?

We always celebrate family birthdays with dinner and cake. I never do anything big for myself because my birthday is in the same month as my two children, so never have enough energy left after two birthdays.

But I am so upset come home to find out they already ate. They did not even call me to ask when I was coming! I was out shopping locally and was out for about 1,5-2 hours! I guess it is not the end of the world, but I want to know if AIBU?

Goodness.

did you stay out late on purpose knowing he was making pasta for the kids dinner, so as to enable your behaviour?

@PinkSyCo i am going to report you, because your comments are causing me so much upset, if you like this in vr, I can’t even imagine what you are like in real life. I am so happy I don’t have people like you in my life.

As a op pointed out if a woman posted that her husband ‘popped out’ for cake and cheese while she made dinner and didn’t come back for 2 hours and made no contact, posters would be saying he went to see OW or was avoiding spending the evening with his family.

You have made the mumsnet sin of wanting your birthday acknowledged and to be spoilt.

It’s a terrible crime on here op!

You should know that once you get past the age of 18 wanting to celebrate your birthday is selfish, self indulgent and childish - you’re a mother now, it’s not all about you!!

Also everyone on here thinks that kids MUST have their dinner between 5pm-6pm or they will absolutely wither away otherwise

Exactly!

You're an adult, do you really need a birthday cake??? I'd have preferred to spend time with my family on my birthday rather than have the perfect cake!

I don’t think anyone is saying anything like that, simply that if the most important thing to you is having an evening meal with your family on your birthday (which OP said is all she wanted) then you don’t swan off for 2 hours at twenty to six with no indication of when you would be back other than simply you were ‘popping out’.

Why waste 2 hours of the evening and then complain about not spending much time together?

Just to close the thread, and to satisfy all those unhappy people here on MN poking and trying to unpick and judge my life, here is the full story, so please try not to play a psychologist to unpick my personality.
I will not respond any more.

I am not passive aggressive, I did not bang the door on my way out, I did not try to make anyone feel guilty, I did not expect anyone to blow smoke up my arse. I care about my husband and I look after him well (I hope), I appreciate everything he does for me.

We do not usually have dinner at 5pm, or even 6pm. It is normal for me to go food shopping after work on Friday, as weekends are usually busy. We do not order online because the shops we buy from do not deliver (Aldi and Liddl). We shop in those shops for obvious reasons, so guess no explanation is needed. It is normal for us to have dinner on or after 7pm. We live in a city, the shops are 25 minutes walk one way or 10 minutes by train. We buy some other dietary food from other shops when needed. It is normal for me to be out for 1,5-2 hours when food shopping.

I have not been organised this month because a) I studied hard for my exam; b) worked full time, c) cared for children and organised their 2 birthdays; d) DH had surgery, e) everything was on me. DH has had cancer, but hoping not any more after the surgery. I do not have headspace to be more organised than I already am.

I do not resent my husband or subject him to underhand passive aggressive behavior.
We have good relationship.

I cleaned the house on my bd because we had builders part of the week to fix windows. Building work was not in our control as organised by landlord. I did not have time to clean during the week because I work from office Mon-Thu. I could clean the house on Friday because I work from home on that day. On the day when I work from home, I can fit in school runs and sporadic cleaning as can start earlier and finish later.

I did not expect to be a Centre of attention. I did not stay out on purpose as have no time for such nonsense. I did not expect DH to give up on World Cup. Had he told me he was going to watch it, I would have been fine with it. I did not know it was England playing. (Yes, I told you I have no space in my head).

I do not think it is too much to ask to give me a call to check, hardly a sacrifice.

So there, go and have fun picking my post apart, I am sure you would love to discover more staff between lines.

And by the way, we did talk, he knows he was wrong, and he knows how I feel, and he apologised. And he is going to make up for it.

Everything that usually happens on a regular Friday, or a regular birthday, was superseded by the World Cup on this particular Friday-that-a-birthday-fell-on. It was a simple misunderstanding or miscommunication.

I did not expect DH to give up on World Cup. Had he told me he was going to watch it, I would have been fine with it. I did not know it was England playing. (Yes, I told you I have no space in my head).

I do not think it is too much to ask to give me a call to check, hardly a sacrifice.

He presumably thought you knew about the game, or forget to check you did. He could have texted.

But it’s a really small thing, honestly.

we did talk, he knows he was wrong, and he knows how I feel, and he apologised. And he is going to make up for it.

Great!

he knows he was wrong

No, you were BOTH wrong.

I can't believe some of these responses. I wouldn't have minded at all if DH had fed the children while I was out but I would have 100% expected him to wait for me before eating his.

Sorry you've been so upset by some of the nastiness on here OP.

I just wanted to say happy belated birthday.

I think you was not being unreasonable wanting to not eat dinner alone on your birthday. I think the World Cup played a part in your husbands behaviour and am pleased to read he is going to make up for it. I hope he spoils you like you deserve and you have a lovely time together when you get the chance xxx

Happy birthday! 🥳 But .......you did the schoolrun, and áfter that you went out. What time was it then? After 4 p.m. I presume? And you stayed out for almost 2 hours. Your husband cooked, but if they had waited for you to start making dinner it would have been like 7 p.m. before any food was on the table, maybe even later? What's your usual dinnertime? I understand you're upset, but I sort of understand your husband as well 🤷🏼‍♀️

Oh well, I trust you ate all the cake yourself!!!

I really don’t know why OP got such a pounding on this thread?

id have felt miffed too thst my family ate our traditional birthday meal without me on my birthday!

At the very least I would have through DH could have waited, make the dinner sure, even give it to the kids if they are very hungry - but at least DH plate up for us both and wait!

OP you’re not wrong and I don’t get why people would question this - who wants to eat dinner on their own on their birthday! Especially considering the mum / wife usually does the vast majority of life and family admin and heavy lifting.

Mine only 'remembered' it was my birthday because I opened happy birthday mail from the postcode lottery.

OP, ignore all the batshit on here. Only on MN would it be your own fault that your family ate your birthday meal without you on your birthday.

Your only mistake was posting in AIBU. :(

I can understand your DH wanting to watch football, but he should have said to you before that, can we please eat at XX time as I would like to watch the football.

He should have called you to ask how long you’d be of kids were hungry. I’d be angry.

Not everyone has a bloody car!

What a bunch of vipers. I get you OP And you can never get a Birthday back. some sort of acknowledgement is needed and no you shouldn't come second to football. I hate people that think it's fine cos its football

I’m sorry OP they didn’t wait for you in your birthday, I would have been upset also.

But I like to do something for my birthday and in your shoes I would have said to DH let’s eat together tonight but I need to get cake etc so I’ll nip the shops and I’ll call you when I’m nearly done so you can start dinner.

He should have called you if he wanted to eat but equally you could have called him to say it was taking longer than expected.

Sounds like you have a lot going on at the moment so put it down to one of things where life takes over and next year try and make proper plans so you don’t end up feeling disappointed on your birthday. Be clear what you want to do and what your expectations are.

I hope you are ok.

Confirms what my adult dd says 'Mn is full of psychos'

Hi OP. Sorry your birthday didn't go to plan. All this could have been solved with a call or a text from either one of you. I don't think it's very nice dh going on with dinner, especially on your birthday but then again, it's not very nice cooking for everyone only for the person you've cooked for to be out for 2 hours and maintaining radio silence, especially when catering for children, soon after an operation and when the footy is important to them.

I know reverses aren't the done thing OP, but picture a post from your DH.

"I am feeling really under the weather from an operation last week, but my wife has had a busy week with an exam and keeping an eye on me. I feel bad that I haven't been able to get a cake for her so despite feeling like crap I've made an effort to cook our traditional family birthday meal. My wife told me that she was popping round the corner to get a cake while I do dinner. 2 hours later (the shop is 5 mins away) there was absolutely no sign of her with no explanation. My child was starving, and we'd agreed to watch the world cup game we'd been looking forward to together, so we went on with dinner. We just couldn't wait any longer and didn't have any idea just how much longer she'd be from there. I was obviously still up for singing happy birthday with the cake. AIBU to be annoyed that my wife eventually returned after 2 hours only to be angry we'd gone on and eaten?"