To rehome cat because of pressure on marriage

[Freshstillwater]

I’ve posted about this before but I didn’t get many serious replies.

I have been married for nearly a year, and just after our wedding I adopted a cat from a charity. I did talk about this with DH first, there was some eye rolling and ‘if you must’ but it was good humoured.

Nearly a year on and it’s really difficult. The cat had fleas which bit DH, he was pretty annoyed about this. He really doesn’t like the cat, I mean, I knew he wasn’t really into animals but I misread dislike as actual neutrality.

The complaining about the cat is really getting to me, I feel like he’d be happier without the cat and me, tbh.

I am not sure what to do now.

But you weren’t wrong to get the cat. Your H agreed to it (albeit reluctantly but with good humoured ‘eye rolling’). You made a decision at the time based on him being okay with it.

BTW you have my sympathy about the fleas, they can be an absolute nightmare to get rid of. My two long haired dogs had fleas and it literally took years to fully get rid of them. We tried absolutely everything and we only finally got rid of them when we started putting them in the bath tub every day and spent about an hour picking out the fleas and eggs with a flea comb.

Only read the first couple of pages but it does seem like there’s a good chance that even if you rehome the cat you’ll still have an unhappy relationship. Cats are quite adaptable and I don’t think you’d be ruining its life to rehome but I’d question whether the cat has just become a focal point or a representative of deeper frustrations/unhappiness which would just transfer to something else if it wasn’t there.

I think you need to put aside the issue of the cat for the time and really explore this feeling of being a guest in his life and your presence being tolerated for childcare/convenience. This is not right to feel this way in a relationship and you are going to have to address this. This may be a conversation, it may be marriage counselling, it may that the relationship is not right.

I agree. You were not wrong to get the cat.

Thank you

Try using Johnson's flea tablets. Put them in a bit of pate. Got rid of my cats fleas when Front Line stopped working. You do need to flea treat every month. For house vaccine well, spray with Indorex. Make sure you spray all soft furnishings and skirting boards. Leave, respray on the third day. Finally comb cats fur with flea comb. The Johnsons tablets seem better than the types you put on back of the neck. Don't get rid of cat. Get rid of fleas. DH does not have to love cat. They can co-exist in same house without issue.

It sounds like you are not happy in your marriage and the cat is not the problem. Sounds like husband doesn’t respect you and you feel like a guest in your own home. It also sounds like he is being a big baby regard to the cat which whether he likes it or not is HIS cat. These things won’t be fixed by rehoming - you’ll still be stuck with the same husband.

i do think you are minimising what living with a living breathing animal does its waste your home is like your not keen.

home is supposed to be safe space for the whole family, which should include him. Condsideing he wasn't 100% on-board and has also had to deal with fleas I do think he is at least somewhat the aggrieved party.

not being into animals doesn't make you a bad person and i can't see how this is an indicator of how he feels about you, but more how you feel about him.

We had two kittens, briefly, thinking we were “cat people”.

It turns out we weren’t. They also introduced fleas into our home. My mum is very hygienic and this nearly broke her. We also got bitten all round our ankles. It was horrible.

we took the kittens back within two weeks as we couldn’t cope.

It took us months to get rid of the fleas. They live on a four week cycle. You need to keep bombing again and again.

We felt we were under attack. It really compromised our quality of life. We felt so tense as a family for some time and I’d never have a cat again on account of the flea problem. It’s quite psychological the whole thing and I actually feel for your husband because I would not want to ever live with a cat again. There’s also this feeling that it’s a flea magnet abs the fleas would return so you can never relax. I’d also want it gone.

i also think it’s unfair to conflate the cat issue with other problems on your marriage.

if you feel it’s unfair he does so little then speak to him about it and either a) he does more or b) you get some childcare help so you can be more free.

but using the cat as a bargaining chip just isn’t fair. It’s too serious an issue - or would be for me. And I’m not sure why you’d put the importance of a cat above staying together as a family unit.

He wasn’t keen but because he wanted to make you happy he relented. You’ve sort of forced your way I’d say.

It sounds like there are other issues. I’d address those but give up the cat and you could use that as some leverage:

”I’m going to give up the cat but I also want some changes made around here by you because it seems to me I’m doing too much and you’re doing too little.. “

make a list and put them in priority order of what would make the most impact in terms of change to your life.

What answer do you want ?? Do you want yes rehome the cat? You were extremely irresponsible to get a cat knowing your husband didn’t like them and sadly the cat will now be the one who suffers . This is why the majority of poor animals are dumped at homes . You’re husband sounds awful .

Sorry OP, I’ve skimmed the thread but when my old and much loved terrier got fleas last year they were a right pain in the arse to get rid of and I had to buy some super strength (£££) flea collar, flea shampoo, boil washed everything in the house, the poor dog was confined to the hard floor areas in the house and it took months so I feel your pain. It actually did change how I felt about her a little because she’d be desperate to roll around on the carpet and it was just an added stress of housework that I didn’t need. The fleas are definitely quite a big deal to your DH so i understand why he’s not that enamoured with the cat especially as he didn’t have a bond to begin with.

Today he is making your life difficult over a cat, tomorrow it’ll be something else… he sounds like a narc and you should sack him off. Anyone who doesn’t like or have kindness for animals is scum
IMO. You and your cat will be happier free of him.

Animal people are whack jobs. See exhibit 1 above.

Agreed. My son is phobic of dogs so clearly he’s scum. Thanks 😊

Sorry if I’ve missed something haven’t read the whole thread. I know you say the fleas are not the problem but I wouldn’t want to live with a cat with fleas either.
Frontline didn’t work on my cat but advocate did. I found the fleas really stressful.
My partner isn’t a fan of cats due to being allergic but the cat was here first and isn’t going anywhere and he wouldn’t want me to get rid of it. I can’t see how a cat could impact a marriage that much as long as you’re doing all of the care. But from what you’ve said there are bigger problems and the cat is just a symptom.

You’re now blaming your DH for loving you enough to try having a cat instead of flat out saying no to the cat. 🙄
I mean come on, he wouldn’t have initially agreed if he didn’t give two shits about what you want and what makes you happy.
And there is nothing wrong with having tried to have a pet, to say sorry I can’t do this because the cat comes with fleas and I cannot live with fleas.

And I agree with a pp, you cannot compare a pet + flea infestation with a hobby.

It sounds like there are deeper communication issues here that are coming out through the situation with the cat.

As a cat owner and lover I don't blame him for despising the cat when it's brought fleas into your home. It's awful being bitten all the time.

On the flea issue Indorex spray is amazing for killing fleas! Spray curtains, soft furnishings and carpets. You need to flea treat the cat first or they will get attacked and the best thing to do is seek advice from a pet supplier or vet as to which to use. They become immune to some and the one you listed up thread stopped working as well about 10 years ago when we got our cat. Keep using the spray and keep the cat regularly treated and you should see them all go.

As for the issue pf he gets what he wants and you don't he probably sees it as he is storing his items where as the cat has resulted in him getting attacked regularly by awful bugs. It impacts having people over, feeling unclean etc. It doesn't make it right and this boils down to lack of effective communication which can be fixed. The fleas seem to be the centre of his frustration at the moment and needs to be addressed for the cat as well as you both but with the garage storage/house situation this needs to be brought up in an open discussion.

I think that the cat is the tip of the iceberg. You get no say in how your space is used eg garage full of his stuff, nothing for you, not even consideration. He could be allergic and that's what is causing the itching. Did he try a course of antihistamines? The itching can last even though no bites are happening. If the cat is old, realistically how long has it got to live? I'd be having an honest conversation about his hobbies/interests vs your's. I wouldn't re-home the cat.
I use advantage, I get a delivery from Pets at home every month. Likewise worming. You should have done research before getting the cat and treated as soon as you got it. Outdoor cats need monthly treatment.

There's a difference between a phobia and just not liking something! It doesn't sound as though OP's husband has a phobia.

I get some people not liking animals, although I wouldn't have gone out with DH in the first place, let alone married him! However thinking someone who can't show kindness to animals is scum doesn't make you a 'whack job' FFS 🙄

Well I have to say I’ve been sitting here feeling itchy just reading this thread. So I feel sorry for your dh.
Surely your marriage is more important than a cat? If not there’s your answer.

Touché. Great answer.

Do you think if you rehome the cat your DH will stop complaining? Or will he move onto complaining about something else?

Has your husband been to the GP to have his itching and flea bites seen to that they’re actually flea bites?

He could have lice, be bitten by mites, mosquitos/midges or any number of things that are causing this issue. He should see you his symptoms too.

I find it very odd that only one person in the household is being bitten by fleas when the house has been fumigated and the cat treated.

so I don’t think the cat is the actual issue. Or the fleas for that matter. I don’t believe there are fleas.

there is a issue with your husband wanting things his way. You asked him outright about the cat and he ‘softened’ and didn’t say no so I presume now he can’t back track and is using manipulation to get you to get rid of the cat.

This is a massive massive issue and would raise a red flag for me and have me questioning if I’d been manipulated in other areas if my life especially at the level of persistence and allegedly attack of fleas and the costs you’ve gone to to treat the fleas.

Maybe he would like to get rid of the cat and its fleas as well as his dear wife who thinks the world revolves around what she wants!