To rehome cat because of pressure on marriage

[Freshstillwater]

I’ve posted about this before but I didn’t get many serious replies.

I have been married for nearly a year, and just after our wedding I adopted a cat from a charity. I did talk about this with DH first, there was some eye rolling and ‘if you must’ but it was good humoured.

Nearly a year on and it’s really difficult. The cat had fleas which bit DH, he was pretty annoyed about this. He really doesn’t like the cat, I mean, I knew he wasn’t really into animals but I misread dislike as actual neutrality.

The complaining about the cat is really getting to me, I feel like he’d be happier without the cat and me, tbh.

I am not sure what to do now.

Feeling like a guest in your own home, albeit a ‘wanted’ and ‘welcome’ one is not normal. By the sounds of it the cat is the least of your worries by a long way. I’d keep the cat but if you can’t take good care of it and provide a loving home it wound be fairer to have cats protection rehome it for you.

Thinking people who don't like animals/pets are scum does make you a whack job. Being phobic means you don't like them.
The "a cat is better than a husband" lot are whack jobs.

I don't think it's about the cat. I think it's about 'he often doesn’t tell me things like if he is working away, I do think the children are very much ‘my’ responsibility and he is the assistant if you like.'
He sounds disrespectful, lazy and irresponsible.

You're being vague as to whether you've actually seen the flea bites. Is that because you've seen that he doesn't have any but you can't tell the thread because we'd hand you your arse for putting up with a controlling liar?
Because for my money that's what he is.

MN is so weird about animals. Ignore it.

If you're in an otherwise happy marriage and want to stay married, get rid of the cat. Contrary to popular belief they will survive.

I’m not really an animal person and never owned pets growing up. My wife really really really wanted a dog so I said yes. I’m still not really keen on dogs, especially hair in everything, the smell, picking up after her etc, but obviously I’m kind to the dog regardless and she tolerates me. The one thing I find quite hard is not being able to travel much, as I love to travel and the dog is such a tie.

But… seeing my wife so happy makes me incredibly happy. The benefits for my DC (responsibility for an animal, better immunity, the fun they have throwing a ball outside) are obvious to me, so I do have to think about the bigger picture in my marriage, not just about what I’d prefer. Dogs don’t live forever (we rehomed an older dog) and when my DC have left home, I’ll be more reluctant to get another as travel will be easier overall, so it’ll be my wife’s turn to compromise then.

I agree that the key is communication. If I really couldn’t handle a pet, I’d have to say so, not make passive aggressive comments till my wife was ground down with guilt about what was, essentially, a joint decision. The issue here is really the marriage and compromise, I think, not the cat.

@Freshstillwater · Today 08:38
No problem but if we could move away from fleas and onto my marriage I’d be very grateful Flowers

Maybe you should 'flea' your marriage :)

I’m with your DH on this.

I could not stand fleas in my home

if your marriage can’t deal with this issue then… it’s only a matter of time before it goes down the tubes OP anyway so might as well pull the plaster off sooner rather than later

Honestly OP, you should not have got the cat based on him saying 'if you must'. Never get a pet unless they're actually enthusiastic.

As for your marriage, everything here is about the cat so no idea what your relationship is like outside of the cat issue. But even though the post is all about the cat you yourself never really say you like it either! Maybe I missed it but I don't see that your DH has actually asked you to rehome the cat, you just think he doesn't like it?

If neither of you are fussed about the cat then you should rehome to someone that will adore them. Otherwise you really need to work on your communication with your husband and talk through the cat issue (and any others you may have) like adults rather than assuming he would be happier without you both which just doesn't make sense to me?

Wtf???!! Love you just throw that in there half way through the thread like it’s a side issue 😂

I am too.

because you and your DH ie their parents… sound odd and selfish and their mother seems to regard them as something of a sidebar

I don’t think your husband is being unreasonable, tbh. I don’t love cats but would be okay if my partner really wanted one. I would not be okay with constantly being bitten by fleas, and frankly, I would want the cat out of the house in that scenario.

The bigger issue is why you don’t seem to be able to have conversations or care about each other’s feelings and needs. Was that also the case before you got the cat?

I think you need to find some time out of the house to talk properly about how you both feel and how to get back on track.

You need to treat your cats fleas it could end up seriously ill with anaemia. The vet can administer a much stronger medication than you can but over the counter. I’m sure your husband will be a lot happier if you get rid of the fleas.

If your H is itchy even though the cat is flea-free --assuming he/she will be after all the chemicals you've chucked at the
fleas-- then HE needs to go to the doctors.
He could have problems with his liver, or many other things which initially present as being "itchy".

Personally I'd give him choice...
1 It's you or the cat...and the cat is at least more polite than you;
2 If massive IF I rehome the cat, you rehome the contents of my garage and stop being such a twat.

Forget that...I'd keep the cat and kick out the H.

Once the cat is rid of the fleas, I'm sure he/she would be happier once OP has got rid of the husband.

I didn’t see you post about having children.
I think they are very relevant in what you are teaching them

If you have a boy/s you are teaching them that everything they want they can have they just have to scream loud enough for long enough. They won’t have a happy life though as wives and gfs won’t stick around

If you have a girl/s you are teaching them that whatever a man wants they have to put their feelings aside and give in to then

Can I ask are the children yours or are they his children from a previous relationship

My partner loves cats, I hate them. Had we not had a very early unexpected pregnancy to deal with, then this probably would have ended our relationship quite early on when we both found out the others opinions.

I said no cat for the first 14 years of our relationship, and eventually decided that I'd had my way for long enough, so said we could get one.

I got incredibly lucky. We got pretty much the perfect cat for me. She refuses to shit inside, so the litter box goes unused. She's very good about not jumping on the counters or tables. She will come on the bed but seems to realise that her place is at the foot of the bed, and my pillow is completely out of bounds.

But having this cat has made me realise that I couldn't have another one. I hate that my house smells of fucking cat food all the time, the hair absolutely everywhere, that if we want to go away on holiday we've got to consider the cat, the muddy pawprints on the windowsill.

Me and the cat tolerate each other, I'll be sad when she dies. I'd even go as far as saying that we like each other. I still hate living with a cat though, and there won't be another one. My kid will be an adult by the time this one dies, so if that ends up being a deal breaker, then so be it.

OP you sound like you're unhappy because you don't function as a team with your husband.

He agreed to the cat. Maybe not enthusiastically, but he agreed. But now there's a problem, it's your problem and he's not doing anything to work together with you to sort it out, just blaming you.

Likewise the kids are your responsibility. He has his hobbies that take up space and resource and time. You got the cat to add interest to life, but it can't be kept in a separate space like his hobby, the flea issue emphasises how it all happens in the space you share with kids, husband and cat. You don't have any private space. I think that's what's bothering you at the root of things.

I don't know what you should do about the cat, but I do think your unhappiness is basically about inequality in the marriage and not having enough space to develop as a person, whereas your husband is able to escape the family for his hobbies. You're not a team, you're stuck with problems whereas your husband just criticises and can wander off when he chooses.

In your shoes I'd be saying:
Let's work together on sorting the fleas. It's not solely my problem and I've done loads to address it.
His attitude makes you feel like he sees the house as your responsibility and it sucks.
You need time and space to develop some interests outside the home.

What prompted you to get married one year ago? I'm assuming as you have multiple children, they have been around a lot longer? Did you have these problems before the wedding and thought getting married might solve them?

No, COVID.

’Odd and selfish’ - there have been some unpleasant posts on here but that one stands out a bit.

My post was about the cat and the impact it is having on our relationship and I have had extremely useful replies relating to that. The children are certainly mine, I have the C section battle scar to prove it

Stronghold from vet for fleas. Don’t waste your money with shop-bought treatments.

your DH needs to be 100% honest about the cat, because once you sort the flea problem out, he’s bound to come up with another issue. So get it all out on the table before you make any decisions about the cat.

It's perfectly feasible for there still to be a flea problem which is only noticed by sensitive individuals (either pets or people). Unfortunately whilst frontline was highly effective when first launched, probably more than 20 years ago it no longer is as fleas become resistant over time. Advantage is a similar age.

If you want to be confident you have eliminated the flea issue you need a prescription only product. Personally I'd suggest asking your vet for something from the isoxazoline family of drugs as they are highly effective. Bravecto would be a good choice as it gives 3 months cover but other options like credelio, which has also been mentioned are equally effective. If the vet has not examined your cat recently you will need to make an appointment before POM-V medications can be dispensed. More expensive than over the counter, but they work which is a lot cheaper in the long run.

I realise there are obviously other issues but I know more about cats and fleas than marriage counselling, sorry! That said I wouldn't be rehoming a cat or ending a marriage if a one-off dose of bravecto might change things.

Fleas can transmit worms too so you should really also worm any cat which has had a flea problem.

You beat me to it!

You should re-home the cat if you can't even provide basic care by de-fleaing it. I'm willing to bet you've just bought something over the counter and not even taken it to the vet to get prescription treatment.

I have a prescription of Bravecto from the vet @NamelessNancy - thank you

I agree with this. Why would you get a pet someone you live with doesn't want