To rehome cat because of pressure on marriage

[Freshstillwater]

I’ve posted about this before but I didn’t get many serious replies.

I have been married for nearly a year, and just after our wedding I adopted a cat from a charity. I did talk about this with DH first, there was some eye rolling and ‘if you must’ but it was good humoured.

Nearly a year on and it’s really difficult. The cat had fleas which bit DH, he was pretty annoyed about this. He really doesn’t like the cat, I mean, I knew he wasn’t really into animals but I misread dislike as actual neutrality.

The complaining about the cat is really getting to me, I feel like he’d be happier without the cat and me, tbh.

I am not sure what to do now.

Oh honestly just rehome the cat.
Lesson learned that both parties have to be onboard about pets.
It's a cat and will cope with a different person opening it's food everyday.

I do feel - unintentionally - he wants his life as it always was but with the added bonus of a wife to help.

So - I’m guessing you didn’t have a long prior relationship before DC and marriage and you’re both (him especially, maybe?) on the older side - 40+?

So adjusting to married life and being parents is difficult and if you have poor communication, either party is less assertive about their needs or less vocal about how much they’re compromising, then resentment can set in and one party can feel they’re being taken advantage of.

Would that be fair?

I have corrected them @PicturesOfDogs but I think if you re read your responses you might be able to see they are a bit belligerent.

Animals - liking them or not - are quite hot topics on here and I do realise people feel passionately about certain subjects. But it’s very difficult to have a reasonable discussion when people just become insulting - I don’t mean you, but the general tone of the thread gets set up for a fight and I don’t want that. I am genuinely seeking advice.

The posts have definitely helped me to see things from my husbands point of view and thank you for this. I am still unsure of the best way forwards but I shall make a decision today, I think.

Assuming that a ltb is not going to cut it, you need to try to talk to each other. Go out on a date together to do something you like doing together. No flea talk allowed. See if you can still enjoy each other's company. It's really easy to get bogged down in the day to day (and I don't want to direct my post towards the fleas but it IS wearing and horrible to have them in the house) and I completely get that resentment builds - but resentment is an acid and it eats away at everything so you need to get hold of it in both of you.

As an aside it is probably worth getting a new mattress. This was the only thing that stopped DD getting bitten even though I'd treated the cats/house in a similar way to you.

What do you want people to say OP?

I’ve read the whole thread and, given the information that you’ve provided, posters have offered you every possible scenario of a resolution available - from getting rid of fleas to getting rid of husband.

Nobody on MN is going to be able to give you a magic solution that solves everything.

Also you should think a bit about the wording of your responses because some of them do come across as rather snappy; even if you don’t agree with what has been said you should at least respect that people are taking time to try and help.

Of course you feel criticised, you made the decision to get a cat. The cat came with fleas that are running amok biting people. You are responsible for this. Own it.

Don’t make it into a my relationship must be abusive because I feel criticised for a very bad decision I made that I am now dragging my feet on correcting.

You’re turning a very common averse incident into a battle ground of wills. No marriage (or relationship) can last if the shit life throws at you becomes a battle ground of wills.

Of course he wants life with you to go back to life without fleas and flea carrying cat! Who in their right mind wants fleas?

To be fair to the DH, wouldn't anyone be pretty pissed off if a partner got an animal when we didn't really want one, and thenw e had to live with fleas seemingly permanently? He's not in the wrong for being unhappy about this.

Also, who is going to adopt a flea ridden cat?

One big marriage problem is that you couldn't tell if your husband was neutral or really not on board. That's a communication problem.

I very much like cats but I would be really upset myself if we couldn't get rid of fleas and I would have questioned whether we could keep ours. DH and I had a sympathetic laugh about it when our cats gave us fleas - he got bitten worse than I did. I bought spray from the vet and skooshed the whole house (I can't remember if we did it just once or again a couple of weeks later) and from then on we used a regular preventive spot treatment on the cats every few weeks. Between those two things we didn't get a recurrence. But we'd have both had a hard choice to make if we really couldn't get rid of the beasties.

what happens next time Dh doesn’t like something that I want?

You both need to learn how to express yourselves to each other and how to do conflict resolution. Even after that it may still be that your DH is more rigid than you can live with, in which case you will have a serious decision to make about whether your marriage has a future. You shouldn't be feeling like a guest in your own home. But I would try marriage counselling as a first step, to see if improved communication can help.

I don’t think rehoming the cat is the answer, actually. Nor does it mean the OP can’t commit to a pet – that’s unfair.

Say OP rehomes the cat. Then DH moves onto complaining that there are fleas in the carpet still. Or he doesn’t like what’s for dinner. Or why the DC have taken up a noisy hobby. And continues to not tell her he’s working away (can’t get past that one!)

He sounds like he’s already rehomed himself mentally, and the sniping etc is because he hasn’t rehomed himself physically.

I think you have answered your own question. This isn’t a marriage.
This is him, his house, his life and you are a prop in his one man show and props are only there to be used by him.

If you want to live in a particular village then divorce him and take the cat and live your life the way you want to or face a lifetime of only doing what your Dh will approve of.
It will be a miserable life, death by a 1000 cuts. Firstly the cat, then all his shit you can’t complain about in the garage, then where you live being dictated by him. Are you going to have children or is that a no from him and you have been persuaded that they aren’t something you want. Or you are going to have children but only at the time he says.

What else is there that if you were on your own or with a more agreeable partner would you do differently?
Those tiny things that you want and don’t get might not be a huge deal at the time but they slowly add up and impact on you over the years.

Start to think about what you want out of this life and what you will achieve if those goals aren’t the same as your dh’s because if he doesn’t want them then you won’t get them.

Do you feel you compromised on where you bought and that’s not acknowledged?

Did you talk about living somewhere else but the garage thing was a deal-breaker? How did you manage that conflict?

This is controlling and abusive to the DH. "he doesn't want you to have something nice that makes you happy"...ffs, the thing that makes her happy has FLEAS! The thing that makes her happy is biting the shit out of him.
WTF is wrong with people like this?

@FatimaHatima Also, who is going to adopt a flea ridden cat?

The Cats Protection take in cats of all ages and health status. All cats we take in are health checked by a vet, and treated appropriately.

We do not put sick/infected animals up for adoption

So DH is suggesting that you've had fleas for quite a while despite having the whole house and the cat treated and despite him being the only one bitten since?

Why on earth don't you suspect he is lying? I would. Ask to see the flea bites every single time. I think he's just making it up to make you feel bad and get rid of the cat he doesn't want. He wants to make cat owning a miserable experience for you until you give it up.

Every time there are no bites, just him scratching and point out that it's not fleas as there's no bite. He's determined to make your life miserable over this though by the sounds of it so don't be surprised if it continues in one way or another.

So what are you going to do? are you going to acquiesce to him and give up the cat for a quiet life, continue living in this misery and keep the cat, or leave?

@nonevernotever’s post was absolutely fine. There’s nothing wrong with being neurodiverse. I don’t see what they saw in your posts (although the one about the house is confusing) but it’s in no way an insult to ask if someone is neurodiverse.

OP, you sound deeply unhappy, disillusioned, and the cat has brought into focus a lot of this.

How long are you together?
How long married?
How long have you the cat?
How old are the children?
Does he do his share in the houses, childcare?
Is he kind and considerate of you?

If you feel he is really not that great a husband, then the cat is a focus of your annoyance with him, particularly as it sounds like he is a whiney man when things don't suit him.

It reads to me as if you are regretting your marriage generally?

I've only read your posts not the whole thread but have you considered that it isn't fleas at all?

Could he be allergic to the cat itself? Allergy rashes are often itchy and can mimic the appearance of bites.

I’m not trying to upset anyone or start arguments, but was just trying to point out that as someone who has been in that situation, it genuinely affected my quality of life and put me into depression, it was a really big deal that affected me and my mental health daily.

Anyway, I am going to bow out now, but I hope you manage to get it sorted

I don’t think he is purposefully lying. I think it is possible some of the itching is psychological but unfortunately we cannot know.

I gave the village example to be illustrative rather than to complain about where we live.

People getting angry with me - I have taken on board that I should never have got the cat and I accept this. I have accepted that DH is right to be unhappy because of this decision, I now need to work out what to do about it.

It is AIBU but to paraphrase Otis redding can we try a little tenderness?

I accept that @PicturesOfDogs , I’ve never not accepted it, so to speak.

I gave the village example to be illustrative rather than to complain about where we live.

I understand that! But there’s a reason you chose that as an example.

OP so many people on MN these days really are not nice.
You have a marriage problem. You are still fairly newly married and this should be a time where you are both happy and in love and enjoying just being together and building a life together.
The feeling like a guest in his life is a big warning sign. Listen to your own feelings, they matter. They are telling you everything you need to know about this marriage.
Is there someone in your life you could talk to about this and how you are feeling? Could you talk to your husband? Will he listen and be concerned?

You say he's got lovely points.

What are they?

Ultimately all your issues come down to communication - both of you.

He was wishy washy on getting a cat when he should have said no.

You hear what he says as personal rather than situational criticism

You are not working together to solve this - or other issues.

You act like a passenger and feel like a guest.

You - as a couple - don't seem to be able to discuss and work towards what is important to each of you.

It all comes down to communication. Everything else is just details.

I wish you luck in resolving this relationship issue.

I think it is probably very true I am taking complaints about the cat more personally than they are intended and I think that was a helpful point, albeit phrased very bluntly.

One thing I have to be clear on before I leave the thread (to take the cat to the vet!) is that I am not someone who would ever leave an animal or a person suffering. One of the reasons I wanted to adopt him was because he was old and had been at the rescue centre a while perhaps now I know why I had an elderly cat for ages and he was absolutely no trouble and just slept all the time and I didn’t see much of him in the summer as he just slept in the garden. Where we live is quite remote and I had visions of being able to offer a similarly happy life to this cat. Plus on practical terms it helps with rodent control (even DH conceded pest control said this) and god knows why but I just like having cats around. Even though they are quite annoying!

Hopefully the vet can help, I was probably feeling over sensitive but when DH mentioned itching last night I did think ‘oh dear god no’. We will hopefully get the cat sorted but if not I’ll rethink.