To rehome cat because of pressure on marriage

[Freshstillwater]

I’ve posted about this before but I didn’t get many serious replies.

I have been married for nearly a year, and just after our wedding I adopted a cat from a charity. I did talk about this with DH first, there was some eye rolling and ‘if you must’ but it was good humoured.

Nearly a year on and it’s really difficult. The cat had fleas which bit DH, he was pretty annoyed about this. He really doesn’t like the cat, I mean, I knew he wasn’t really into animals but I misread dislike as actual neutrality.

The complaining about the cat is really getting to me, I feel like he’d be happier without the cat and me, tbh.

I am not sure what to do now.

@Brokenunicorn what gives you the impression that this is what I want?

I'm getting the impression that he may be ND and that you possibly are too, and that that isn't helping resolve issues between you. Would that be fair?

You think complaining about being bitten alive by fleas is ‘sulking and moaning’

Heaven forbid he complains to the OP, as that’s red flags and abuse, but living with a flea infestation is ‘suck it up buttercup, stop your whining’.

@Freshstillwater I think you need to start a new thread and only mention the cat in passing as one of the problems. You clearly want to discuss your marriage problems but due to the way you have worded your OP, it sounds like it is just the cat issue that is the problem. Posters have tried to help you sort that, as it initially seemed that if your husband wasn't being bitten then things would be better. Clearly this is not the case. I think you would be better starting a thread in relationships and asking for advice on the reasons you feel like a guest in your own home as clearly it's not just the cat. Outline other incidents / reasons why you feel like that and you will get different, non-cat related answers.

OP I think you’re being a bit roundabout!

do you actually believe that your cat/house has fleas? All the recommendations are useless if what you’re saying is you don’t believe for a second that you have fleas?

Or do you think you’re husband is pretending he is itching to force your hand in getting rid of the cat? Have you seen the bites?

in no way shape or form should you feel like a guest in your home especially when you’ve been together long enough to have kids- however you seem a bit passive? Take control of the situation, you’re 50% of the partnership, you’re acting like he’s your lord and master.

is he like this about other things? Does he pull his weight domestically? Are you a sahm?

He doesn’t tell you if he’s working away! That’s your thread: not the cat.

Get rid of the cat.

Then start a new thread about your issues with DH.

It sounds like you want posters to tell you to get rid of it - which means deep down you do want to get rid of it.

And this is not about a cat at all and you and DH have issues.

But starting a thread about a cat means you’re going to get replies about the cat and not the marriage which is what I think you are hoping for.

Absolutely. He doesn’t want you to have something nice that makes you happy. If it’s not the cat it’ll be the next thing that you have that makes you happy. His behaviour and reactions all point to this. Most people would feel really bad about a pet potentially having to be rehomed even if the reasons were fleas and allergies.

But it’s okay for him to fill your garage with his hobbies. I think you need to stand up to him and tell him the cat stays. End of conversation. Don’t engage again. I’m sorry OP that you are being made to feel this way. It must be very draining. I bet you have a constant knot in your stomach.

Honestly OP, you are taking his complaints about the cat and the fleas as if they’re complaints about you. You’re taking it way too personally and making it all about you and you not feeling welcome. It’s not about you! It’s about suffering from flea bites every day and that the need to clear the infestation is a priority even to the extent of rehoming the cat. The cat will just keep bringing more fleas home. He has a right to not want to live with fleas.

This isn’t in the least being abusive or controlling. So he can’t complain about a cat and fleas because it makes you feel bad? Makes you feel like a convenience? WTAF! Fleas SUCK massively. He’s not complaining about something that doesn’t affect him and his health or the DCs’ health, like how you dress or how long your showers are, or what you watch on TV, or the friends you associate with.

He’s complaining about fleas and the source of the fleas- the cat. Fleas are awful for every human in that house including your DC. Stop navel gazing and get on with doing what is necessary.

@nonevernotever i take exception to that actually. I’ve been reasonably patient with a lot of replies but that is really uncalled for.

@PicturesOfDogs youre not being helpful. I think MN need to bring that tagline back about AIBU not being a bear pit.

@IWantToBeACat but then I’ll be torn apart for not giving enough detail!

It sounds like you weren't prepared for a pet and want to get rid of them rather than addressing this issue.

I think that is a pretty poor way to act, but I can see that the cat shouldn't be with a family who dislikes it.

Just don't ever get another pet, because you now know you can't commit.

Is it possible that your husband is allergic to the cat rather than being bitten? If the only symptom is itching and there’s no visible biting.

You didn’t at all, but people are suggesting it.

They’re saying if he can be so cruel to a cat, what’s he like with your children.

They’re saying he’s using this as a way to control you, and advising you to make him show proof of flea bites as he’s clearly lying.

It sounds like DH would prefer the cat to go, and it would most likely help your relationship as he was never on board to start with... the fleas would really stress me out too, and I LOVE cats! It might be that DH is having an ongoing reaction maybe to the stuff that treats the fleas? Or perhaps he is allergic so still suffering from the bites even though fleas have gone? If they haven't gone you obviously need to get on top of this asap as it will be making any tension about the cat much worse.

My suggestion is have an open, honest, frank discussion with DH. Ask him - does he want the cat to go? I am assuming DH and your marriage is more important to you than the cat, although I know how lovely cats are and we get attached to them. But I'm sure you could find a loving home for the cat.

However if the problem is deeper and not actually to do with the cat, that's another story. You need to talk to DH and figure all this out.

Rehome the cat

I'm sorry - I had no intention to offend.

Honestly OP, you are taking his complaints about the cat and the fleas as if they’re complaints about you

But that is how it feels.

To go back to a previous example, if I said to DH ‘I drove through x village the other day, it’s so lovely. It would be an amazing place for the kids to grow up! We could buy a decent house there but the only ones that come up in our budget don’t have a garage.’

And that was pretty much all I said to DH for a week - he would probably start to feel criticised.

That’s what’s happening to me.

And vacuum daily.

Agree with others. The cat situation is just a symptom of much deeper issues within your relationship.

Actually, pest control told us NOT to vacuum after they put down the flea treatment - but that is an aside.

If your cat has flea dirt on it, it probably also has living flea-dirt-producing fleas.

I like cats, and our nextdoor neighbour has a very friendly cat who used to come into our house... until my husband found a flea on his jacket, and I found fleas crawling on the cat, and started getting bitten all to hell. We sprayed our house with Indorex and have never let the cat in again, even five years later.

I think what I'm saying is that my like of cats is much less than my hatred of fleas, and I suspect that your husband might have had his balance tipped similarly. It's not controlling to not want to live in a house with fleas or the vector of fleas.

That being said, it also doesn't sound like your relationship is generally great. He sounds like he's more than capable of being an arsehole - I just don't think he's being one about the cat.

Happy to bow out OP,

Not sure why you’re seeming more happy to have posters tell you you husband is abusing you, rather than me saying living with a flea infestation can damage your quality of life 🤷‍♀️

You don't think your poor cat is bothered by the fleas?? They can make animals very unwell.

@Stompythedinosaur Just don't ever get another pet, because you now know you can't commit.

I agree.

And BTW OP, after you have re-homed the cat you'll need to get the Local Council to come round to spray the house to make sure all the flea infestation (that includes flea eggs) is dealt with.
This is to protect your DC.

It sounds like you and your DH might benefit from couples therapy to help you both unpick some of these things. In one of your replies you say you feel like a guest in your home - was this his house that you moved into after you married? If so could you consider making some changes to the house so you feel some ownership or possibly moving to somewhere that you choose together? Wishing you all the best OP!