To rehome cat because of pressure on marriage

[Freshstillwater]

I’ve posted about this before but I didn’t get many serious replies.

I have been married for nearly a year, and just after our wedding I adopted a cat from a charity. I did talk about this with DH first, there was some eye rolling and ‘if you must’ but it was good humoured.

Nearly a year on and it’s really difficult. The cat had fleas which bit DH, he was pretty annoyed about this. He really doesn’t like the cat, I mean, I knew he wasn’t really into animals but I misread dislike as actual neutrality.

The complaining about the cat is really getting to me, I feel like he’d be happier without the cat and me, tbh.

I am not sure what to do now.

There are a few things going on, OP. First of all, because this thread has been a hard read and you are having a tough time.

You love your cat, you've done everything you can, things still aren't working.

I'd sit him down. Say you are unhappy. Ask him to think really hard about how he talks to you about the cat. Say you are considering rehoming her, but that you (and the DC?) will be really sad about it. Ask to do counselling together.

If that doesn't go well, I think you may need to rehome the cat and reassess. That's the only way to find out if this is all about the cat, or a symptom of a deeper problem in your relationship. If you need to separate, that will be easier without a cat to worry about, awful though that sounds.

Yes get rid of the cat. DH should have made it clear how un keen he was to have the cat but perhaps didn’t expect a flea invasion. I really don’t like cats and if someone inflicted one on me it would be a continued source of unhappiness.

Go to the vets. Ask for a product for the cat and a spray for the house. The fleas will be gone in no time. Goodness knows why people waste their money on stuff that doesn't work from the internet. The vets can also explain the flea life cycle so you can tackle it more easily in future

Flea the cat every month. And tell the hubby to do one.

I rather wonder if it wasn’t the cat what else it would be? So what he’ll fixate on and want changed once the cat has gone…?

OP. Ive just found another flea on the dog yesterday after spending hundreds on some mutant bloody fleas that seem so far to be immune to frontline plus and advantage. I ended up spending a lot of money on bravecto which killed them for a few weeks and now theyre back. Yes we sprayed the house too. They have been crazy this year and it was really getting me down at one point.
Its not fair of your husband to be acting as though this is your fault.
He agreed to get the cat, despite not being thrilled, he agreed to it. His strategy of guilting you is horrid and he needs to pack it in. Please be upfront with him about this. *you snipping and guilt tripping me about something im trying really hard to fix. About an animal I love and you agreed to. Is unfair and causing stress and anxiety and you need to stop as shes not going anywhere and fleas, whilst an absolute nuisance, are a fixable problem. There are several prescription strength ones to try. Also get a couple of cans of INDOREX to do the house. He might benefit from wearing mosquite repellant till its sorted and taking antihistamines. Getting rid of the cat will not get rid of the fleas once theyre in the house, in fact not having their preferred food source - ie the cat, will make amy fleas in the house bite the people more. You have to find a solution to the fleas. Tell your husband to pipe down, and try not to take his whinging as personally and bringing the whole mood of the home down for weeks now. You are acting as if him moaning is some sort of emergency situation.
You can tell him that you understand that it stresses him out, and that you are trying to deal with it, but he needs to get a grip too. You dont get rid of a pet you love just because fleas are a bastard this year.

think the issue is that even though as far as I can tell the flea problem is sorted, as people have said, it has obviously impacted upon how DH feels in his home which is not fair.

You both need to have a serious talk. You have said a few times that you feel like a guest in your home but from what you said above , he does too.

Our cat’s flea treatment stopped working last year in summer. It was a nightmare but we shifted them by using indorex spray in the house, you spray each room and vacuum daily (vacuum for at least a week) to get rid of the fleas and eggs. We also stopped her sleeping on beds and washed everything. I also re-treated each room after a week or so. We switched our cat’s flea treatment to bravecto which is given at three monthly intervals. Not a flea since (and it covers ticks too, hurrah). It probably took us a month to get rid of the fleas completely. Fleas are horrible.

My dog has fleas and me and my sister were crying for getting bitten my mum did a weak arse attempt to get rid of them until one day me and my sister stayed at a cousins house and my mum got bitten instead, then she finally got rid of them.

I feel like if you were getting bit the fleas would've been gone by now.

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt in 42 years of marriage, it’s this: if there’s anything that the 2 of us don’t agree with, we don’t do it / buy it.

Leave, you just don’t sound happy and that’s only after one year. I think your using the cat as an excuse.

If you can see flea dirt then there are live fleas. You don't need pest control you need a can of indorex or other spray from the vets. Then you need a prescription flea treatment for the cat. From the vets. Don't bother with over the counter stuff - most of it is rubbish and some of it is even dangerous to cats. Some of it used to be effective but now has been so widely used it no longer works reliably

But it’s not a short marriage/ relationship if they have kids though? Perhaps they got married more recently but it must be a long partnership if there are children involved?

Is it a young cat? We got two rescues about a year old who were given away by owners who hadn't anticipated how much attention they'd need. One is still going strong aged 17 and the most lovely, friendly, untraumatised creature ever. If you rehome the cat soon, it will be fine!

Indorex for the house and Stronghold for the cats flea treatment (has to be dispensed by a Vet) Frontline stopped working on my cat 8 years ago.
All the best

I'd sit down and have a proper conversation with your husband about it.
Is having the cat damaging your relationship? Does his resentment of the cat affect his feelings for you?
Explain to him you want to sort it out, tell him you will rehome the cat if it's really that serious because (I hope) you prioritise your marriage over the cat. But discuss with him it will upset you and it will be traumatic for the cat. So put the ball in his court. You don't want rehome the cat if it's just him being grumpy and can live with it for your sake.

Marriage is about compromise and communication (IMHO). Start off on the right foot and make sure your talking and you are making decisions together aware of each others feelings.

There’s no way I’d want to feel like a guest in my own house, especially by my spouse.

in some ways, I’ve had experience of this with my stepdad as he moved into my DM’s house as a lodger and they then started a relationship, with her already having 2 DC. Stepdad did buy a holiday flat years down the line as an investment but DM always rightly or wrongly (they’re not married) say that when she died the house was going to us 2 kids not him! She’d paid off the m mortgage but had also seen her DM and DF have several marriages/divorces between them and her grandfather too (through being widowed) and there were fights over money and wills.

OP, this is no way for your Dh to treat you and the cat sounds like a moot point as it is being treated for fleas.

Last weekend I was out with NDN friend who has a rescue cat from a kitten who’s always been challenging but more behaviourally, she’s a bit vicious but is out a lot but her toddler is scared of the cat. They’d never rehome her though and she’s thinking of a cat behavioural specialist.

It sounds unless I’ve not read the whole thread thatyour and your DC have moved into your DH’s house which can be an adjustment.

Treating a cat alone won’t work, you need to treat the whole house, ideally with indorex.

I am assuming the charity would take the cat back, but they may ask you to wait- I’m a rehoming volunteer and know that in my county there are zero spaces in rescue right now: even the rescue that has to take from the pound is doubling up on kennels where possible. We’re in the middle of an animal rehoming crisis sadly, too many needing to give them up, fhe
leftovers of the lockdown let crisis and very few people in a place where they’re willing to take in a new pet. I always add this so if anyone is reading this and could consider fostering- PLEASE!

Gou don’t sound that convinced about your husband either though, when you should still be in the honeymoon period. That’s for you to work out but remember that counselling is a thing and you can attend alone.

Please don’t feel bad, yes you need to work on your couples communication but this happens so much more than people realise.

Actually OP, I completely see your issue here. It’s not really about the cat, it’s about the fact that you feel you are the one to compromise in your relationship in order to make the other person happy. I know this because mine can be the same. If he wants to do a hobby, get serving etc he just goes ahead and does it, however, when I want something it’s what about the money, the time, do you really want to. This is what I think you need to discuss with him. The cat is hiding another issue IMO. I would suggest a good conversation about how you feel and potentially some marriage counselling if you feel you need a neutral space with time to sort these issues out. Mine is better now I’ve had a conversation about this and how it makes him appear selfish and that it is unfair.

I've been in a house where one of my siblings and I were the only 2 who were bitten. My mother refused to believe there were fleas until I trapped some under glasses on the carpet (we had so many). Everyone else was fine because they weren't being bitten. (We'd become infested by ext door's cat that kept coming in, we didn't have a cat.)

Sibling and I had rows of 3 bites over all our thin-skinned parts where the fleas attempted to draw blood before moving on again.

One of my shameful memories was being in school and seeing a flea on my thumb and realising that I couldn't flick it or do anything about it without accidentally drawing attention to it.

It's entirely possible for one person to be bitten and not another in a house.

You cannot separate your marriage and the fleas OP. You are expecting your DH to live in a constantly flea ridden house. YABU.

Is anybody reading what I’ve written, or am I just mouthing like a goldfish at the thread?

You lost me at this tbh

Tremendously helpful. Thanks.

Your posts don't give much detail about your husband/relationship (outside the cat!) So it's hard to say what you should do.

I love my DH and we're solid but I can tell you now, if he got a cat I didn't want and it infested me with fleas it would be a very clear ultimatum that either the cat goes or I do. It's not being domineering, but I would feel hurt and pissed off he'd expect me to tolerate fleas and discomfort in my home from the animal I didn't want. What's fair about that? Even your valiant efforts to treat it have cost money that's also his. He probably IS being snidey and unlikable, but I can understand it. And If he IS always getting his own way, I don't think this particular issue is the one he's wrong on. My DH is a softie but genuinely I think if we'd been in your situation he would have rehomed behind my back and not been sorry!

Personally I'd rehome, it's a no brainer. But the fact you've dug in on this points to bigger problems within the marriage that may well he mostly DH's fault, It's impossible to know. But the cat thing isn't his fault. Is the marriage going anywhere? You have decisions to make.