To rehome cat because of pressure on marriage

[Freshstillwater]

I’ve posted about this before but I didn’t get many serious replies.

I have been married for nearly a year, and just after our wedding I adopted a cat from a charity. I did talk about this with DH first, there was some eye rolling and ‘if you must’ but it was good humoured.

Nearly a year on and it’s really difficult. The cat had fleas which bit DH, he was pretty annoyed about this. He really doesn’t like the cat, I mean, I knew he wasn’t really into animals but I misread dislike as actual neutrality.

The complaining about the cat is really getting to me, I feel like he’d be happier without the cat and me, tbh.

I am not sure what to do now.

I’m with this. It’s a no brained.

Surely in the real world barely anyone would ever choose an animal over a relationship (unless the relationship is already dying and the pet problem is a symptom yadda yadda).

The life I share with DH is more important than a pet could ever be.

In particular, it doesn’t even sound like that a difference in values. It’s not like when he met you you had 20 animals and were working part time in an animal sanctuary - then you could argue that he knew this was a big part of your personality and life and if he was not an animal lover the the pair of you would simply be incompatible.

End of the day, you did something without discussing it properly with your husband. It's so easy for others to say "re-home the husband" but it's not fair he wasn't given a choice now has to put up with fleas in his home and an animal he doesn't like. I've been the husband once I can tell you it's absolutely not him spitting his dummy out. You need to re-home the cat, blitz your house, then later on have a mutual discussion about things. How would you feel if your husband did something or made a decision that you had to live with and made you feel uncomfortable. Honestly if you value your marriage over the cat, get rid of the cat xx

Wow people are being really harsh! OP you sound so drained and sad - and I’m going out on a limb and saying that this isn’t really about fleas or the cat but about how unhappy and lonely you are feeling? You say he tends to fixate on things and it just sounds like he is being utterly relentless. I would almost park the issue if the cat, because if it wasn’t the cat it would be something else (potentially) that you love or want but he cannot tolerate. I would find it exhausting to be with someone going on and on and on about something relatively minor and being unable to move past it and just enjoy their life with you. You’re not being ridiculous to consider making big changes, and I wish you all the luck with it xxx

I don't think rehoming your cat is going to change much. You need to be treating your marriage by the sounds of it.

It’s really hard not to mention the fleas because imo they are a key part of the problem. It takes about 3 months to get rid of fleas from your house due to their life cycle. As long as your cat is properly treated they will go because then need a host to survive and while they do bite humans they can’t live off them. You need to hoover everywhere until they are all gone.

You cannot make a decision about the cat whilst it has fleas as it will be clouding your judgement. Similarly your husbands reaction to the cat will also be clouded by the fact that it has fleas.

Cat rescues are overrun right now so there will be a waitlist probably for it to be taken in, given that it has a home where it is cared for. The fact that it has fleas will also not help with its position in the list either.

You and your hubby need to work together to tackle the fleas.

it doesn’t sound like a very healthy relationship if I’m completely honest. And if you’re a cat/ animal lover and he’s not then this perhaps should have come up before now. My house was full of animals and I had a horse when I first met my partner so he had to get on board if he wanted to
be with me. We have no pets now but have three children. He knows I want pets in the future but I won’t get any until I know he’s ready.

I think once the fleas are over you need to talk to hubby about the cat, tell him you could get him rehomed and see how he reacts to that - if he says “don’t be silly, keep the cat” then you need assurances from him that he’ll stop complaining. If he says “great!” then once the cat has a new home, you can go back to being the two of you again, work through your issues and move on.

If you need a cat fix then you could volunteer at a rescue centre or maybe become a foster home for cats so they’re just with you for a short time and everything is paid for by the charity. Plus it’s a nice thing to do and you can take a break from it at any time. You never know, there maybe a cat out there that your hubby will love - and then you can become a “failed fosterer” and live happily ever after.

I've only read your posts but early on you said "but as it is it feels that he can make me miserable because of what I wanted but he gets to live his life as he likes - not sure I’ve explained that well."

You certainly havent explained that well because your husband has had his life massively disrupted. You are over-reacting because you feel guilty about that. The flea bites may have resulted in his skin becoming more sensitive. So the itching now may not be fleas but could be anything else that causes an allergic reaction. If he hasnt tried antihistamines he needs to do so. Wash your bedding on a high temperature with non biological powder and an extra rinse.

I'm a cat lover but I'd rehome the cat.

OK,I waded trough pages and didn't spot anyone suggesting your DH is allergic to the actual flea products. I itched for weeks after the fleas were gone and figured out it was the sprays.

My cats were a compromise - my DH wasn't all that keen. Fortunately we lucked out on very lovely cats. It was me when fleas struck that thought we might have to rid the house of cats because I was so miserable.

It is a big gamble to get pets if one person is anti. I could never get a dog as DH hates them and would definitely never come round.

But a person is a bigger thing than a cat - you shouldn't discard a cat really but people do and places are available that may take the cat. No such place exists for husbands.

Why did you want a cat so much OP? And why were you seemingly unprepared for the fact that your DH would blame you (and the cat) if anythign went wrong?

I hope cat is insured as if it gets ill vet's fees are astronomical and that will be another argument.

Get some of this, fleas will be gone in a few weeks. We've had no fleas (or ticks) in the three years we've been using it.

www.theneemteam.co.uk/billy-no-mates.html?gclid=EAIaIQobChMItcDfu7Dv6QIVB-vtCh040wYPEAAYASAAEgIW9fD_BwE

Or, is DH allergic? Is there something specific the cat does that he dislikes? Or does he just 'not like animals'? (Because honestly I find people who don't like animals are missing something in their soul) I can't help but feel there must be more to this and the cat is being used as a scapegoat.

Op, has your husband been to the doctor? Is it definitely flea bites and not an allergy to cats? Or a rash caused by something else? Have you seen the bites yourself?

Love this.

I’d be seriously considering it reading the other posts.

I don’t think the cat is a problem. It sounds like the marriage is an unhappy one & it’ll be something after the cat.

Take the cat to the vet, maybe prescription tablet will work better. Buy flea bombs ( Amazon) and set them off in ALL the rooms of your house. Vacuum thoroughly. Repeat a couple of weeks later.

I belive you can't prioritise an animal over your husband and marriage. I would definitely get rid of the cat. You need to ask your self whats more important to you? In a marriage you need to take each others feelings into account. He didn't stop you having the cat as you really wanted it but it is effecting him alot now, you have tried to fix the problem but he is still not happy. I think the cat needs to go unfortunately.

I don’t think cats really got fleas these days ?
unless not treated with prevention

or is it common ?

It sounds like you need to decide if you want to be with your husband, if you do I think you should rehome the cat. I was in a similar position and had to rehome my dog. It was very upsetting but it was causing too many problems with my husband.

We have had terrible fleas since summer this year, seems worse than most year.. that’s after frontline/advocate/flea bombs/indorex etc etc. Beginning to get a bit better now but it does get you down being bitten all the time. We won’t get rid of our cat because we adore the old flea bag but I can see why your husband may be a bit annoyed. Have you got any bites? Try advocat again (our vet says that it takes 3 months to properly early work), maybe take him to the vets? It’s worth exhausting all possibilities before rehoming because it will be upsetting for the cat.

Hypha’s he shown you the flea bites on him

seems weird he gets bitten but you don’t

You’re definitely not awful. I would seriously suggest going to Relate or similar, because I suspect this is about more than the cat and I think it might make you both a lot happier in the end. They will be able to help you get to the root of the problem, which no one here can, because no one knows all the facts.

We got a rescue dog at a difficult time, it was unmanageable (chewed everything up etc) and I couldn’t cope with her, despite trying for 6 months and liking dogs. Luckily for me, my husband didn’t decide to get rid of me rather than the dog! We subsequently (3 years later) got a cat, we all love him very much & there are no problems. The vet warned us that it’s very hard to get rid of fleas once they have them, so he’s treated 3 monthly by stuff from the vets, but I know that’s not your biggest problem.

You don’t need to get rid of your husband just because he doesn’t like being bitten by your flea infested cat. Not everyone likes cats and that’s fine. But you do need to seek professional advice if you’re feeling unwelcome in your own home, because that really isn’t good. Wishing you luck xx

ffs * has he

Yes, rehome the cat. it's a distraction.

Then find out what your relationship really is and what you can do with that.

More at play here perhaps. Is husband continuously negative about other aspects of home life / you too? Unless people are allergic I’m sure they can compromise for the one they love and have a cat around.

It's not about the cat. It's about compromise, boundaries, unmet need, equity.
If it wasn't the cat it would be the childcare or the housework or something else.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said: what happens next time Dh doesn’t like something that I want?

Maybe this is the conversation you need to have with him. Right now you don't trust that your wants and needs count in this relationship.

It's not about the cat. Leave the cat out of the conversation as much as you can. It's about you and whether you can have your needs met in this marriage.
Good luck OP.

Sounds to me like the cat is not really the problem here. You've mentioned feeling like a guest in your own home, your husband has lots of hobbies which take over the house/garage (but you're not allowed to enjoy having a cat) and that you are expected to look after the children. I personally don't think you need to rehome the cat ( although neutral he did agree to you getting a cat) I think you may need some marriage counselling. It's all just snippets but it all doesn't sound very happy. Good look op, it sounds really difficult for you.

Once you are certain you have the flea issue under control, it might be worth your DH if he is still itching going to the doctors, it could just be a coincidence that he is itching at the same time you had the fleas, I only say this as a few years ago my husband randomly got scabies the same time as I had an allergic reaction and for a while we assumed he had just had the same reaction as me.

Hopefully once your DH is less itchy tensions will calm down about the cat, getting the cat wasn’t the smartest move when he wasn’t fully on board but it’s here now and it seem harsh to rehome it.
I had a cat before I met my DH which he wasn’t the biggest fan of but he put up
with her as he loved me. She must have done something right as since she passed our house has been a cat house and DH is now the biggest cat fan.

I don't think your issue here is the cat that has fleas (annoying as fuck you have my full sympathy there)

I think you're feeling resentment towards your husband for not being able to have something to enjoy and because it's not enjoyable right now he's giving you a hard time that you don't think you deserve.

Whether it's a kid or a baby or a new TV, there has to be compromise.

I don't like animals really (the responsibility of them and dead mice 🤮). We have a cat and a rabbit. And when they are gone we will never get a new pet again x but I won't get rid because they are part of our family and are treated well and loved.

You could remove but I think you'll resent your husband

Have a serious chat x