To rehome cat because of pressure on marriage

[Freshstillwater]

I’ve posted about this before but I didn’t get many serious replies.

I have been married for nearly a year, and just after our wedding I adopted a cat from a charity. I did talk about this with DH first, there was some eye rolling and ‘if you must’ but it was good humoured.

Nearly a year on and it’s really difficult. The cat had fleas which bit DH, he was pretty annoyed about this. He really doesn’t like the cat, I mean, I knew he wasn’t really into animals but I misread dislike as actual neutrality.

The complaining about the cat is really getting to me, I feel like he’d be happier without the cat and me, tbh.

I am not sure what to do now.

Excellent! Follow the application instructions carefully to ensure it works properly, or even ask if a vet or nurse will apply it for you if your cat is a real wriggler. As long as your environmental control is good that should sort out the fleas. I've no idea what the pest control people use I'm afraid but it sounds like you've been thorough. Good luck.

I think confirming with vet as to whether this are still flea - is probably the best immediate step forward.

If there are - then yet more treatments are needed obviously - if not they rule out anything else causing bites - then sit down and actually talk to your DH about the way forward.

I don't think he has said get rid of the cat - that seem to be your solution. I think his reaction if being upset by fleas after a particularly difficult infestation isn't unreasonable - and as PP say you see to think this is an attack on you rather than frustration with the unpleasant situation.

What I'm getting is you better communication between you and your DH. Plus if getting rid of the cat isn't really an option ( it wouldn't be with our cats) then don't suggest it as one and it's not fair to assume it what he wants when he hasn't said this. You need as many PP have said a proper conversation and to work together - frankly I think the cat and their recent issues are just highlighting an existing problem here.

@Freshstillwater hope the vet prescription helps. The only other thing I found helps is indorex spray for several weeks and a flea bomb via Amazon. Frontline etc are useless for real infestations.

if you and the children aren’t getting bitten and the chap is but you can’t see the bites then it sounds like a psychosomatic thing for him now.

id list what makes you feel like a respected and equal partner.

is it him doing an equal share of the house/life admin and child care?

is it you being informed of events in a timely manner and included in preparations (him working away etc) as a show of respect for the extra workload and emotional toil on you?

do you share finances - is it fair?

what will make you feel less of a houseguest?

in amasser to your aibu - sort out the fleas, honour the commitment you made to an elderly cat, have a conversation with your partner about the other underlying issues that have been raised. I don’t think this is really about the cat anymore (or fleas) but it was the catalyst that started it.

good luck and massive squishes.

You have a husband problem, not a cat problem. Our elderly cat had issues with diarrhoea and this led to her poohing out of the litter tray and onto the kitchen floor on occasions, he never once mentioned re-homing her and I was the one that wanted cats more. With regards to fleas, you need to treat the whole house and use a reliable flea treatment every month.

If everything else is good with your DH, then I'd rehome the cat and you should all be happier. I like cats but would not dream of getting one as my DH is not keen. He wouldn't stop me, but I know he wouldn't like it. Just as if I was with someone who insisted on getting a dog against my wishes I'd be out of there like a shot. Both partners have to agree on having a pet, surely common sense.

Spot on (pardon the pun). ^

Get rid of the cat. I think you were bang out of order to get a cat when you knew your husband wasn’t on board. My DH is desperate for a dog but he knows I’m not keen so we’ve decided not to at the moment with the agreement that we’ll revisit it when we’re a bit older and don’t have so many other commitments.

You misread Husbands attitude to the cat.

You're now misreading your marriage problem .

You mistakenly think the cat is the cause of the problem between you and DH, therefore getting rid of the fleas or the cat would pacify DH and fix your marriage. It won't. You now know the cat was a big mistake, at least it's one you can sort out right away, return it to the rescue asap. Signals to DH "Sorry. Mistake. Lets start again"

Then you can both give your full attention to your relationship.

Your marriage problem is poor communication ; very common in the early days. If you're going to stay together and both be happy you'll both need to work on that. Talking and (deep) listening are the basics; but the real skill in marriage (and parenting) is when you both become so attuned to every little nuance of body language, flicker of expression, eye contact, tone of voice that you can read the gaps between the words, sense what isn't said.

OP it feels that he can make me miserable because of what I wanted but he gets to live his life as he likes - not sure I’ve explained that well.

You've explained it perfectly, only you don't see, it works both ways.

That's exactly what you did to him. You wanted a cat, you got your own way, it made him miserable.

Which you present here as HIM "fixating on" the cat and HIM "making you feel bad".

I couldn’t be with a man like that.

The cat would most definitely come first.

You are putting the cat’s comfort above your husband’s. That can be an extremely distressing realisation for someone in a relationship (see my recent thread for an example) and lead to them feeing completely sidelined and unloved. This is serious stuff OP. What is more important your relationship or the cat? You decide ultimately, so so quickly to put everyone out of their misery but please don’t make him unwillingly live with an animal he doesn’t want.

You don’t play god with an animals life. It’s not a toy.

”DH always gets what he wants so I’m gonna stamp my feet and bring an unwanted creature into the house and then wonder why things aren’t going well.”

I hate cats but you have been unfair on both the cat and your husband with your selfish actions here and are now feeling sorry for yourself.

Conversely, you are discovering that you husband is the sort of man who puts his own comfort above that of his dependants, and expects you to as well.

I think the flea treatment and possibly even the cat is a red herring here. I think you’ve compromised for him on everything without complaint up until this point and now you’ve asked him to compromise on this and he hasn’t. Ambivalence to getting a pet and then not telling you outright he doesn’t want it when you directly asked means he’s as complicit in getting the cat as you are.

I think this is the first time you’ve challenged him on the status quo, and he doesn’t like it and now he’s pushing back repeatedly until things go back to the way he wants them to be.

The telling thing here is you feeling a guest in your own life, and a live in childminder and I’m guessing chef and cleaner to facilitate his personal hobby time. The cat is a symptom not a cause. If you rehome the cat, do you think the problem will be resolved or is it just that the one thing you’ve pushed him on has been removed? Will things be great, or will you just be back to being the only one compromising? That’s the question you need to focus on here.

Not saying he’s lying about the fleas, but he could have a delayed persistent response to previous bites lingering. He should try antihistamine to see if that stops the scratching cycle.

Essentially, if you rehome the cat do you still have a relationship problem that needs to be addressed, and if yes then maybe think about either 1) rehoming and trying to change the dynamic in your relationship perhaps with counselling or 2) keep the cat and think about if you can really spend the rest of your life living for him, rather than you. 💐

Have you seen the bites? Whereabouts are they?

Unless I have missed something you have not mentioned loving the cat, or feeling heartbroken about the prospect of rehiring.I know that if my DH wanted me to re home our dog the dog and I would move out, I love her too much to lose her. Cats are more independent than dogs and if she is still young Cats Protection should be able to find her a new home. Why not go and talk to them and see what they can offer.

Ditch the husband. It's a no brainer

All these people putting relationships with animals above those with humans - honestly! I have been absolutely scarred by my experience. I wince whenever I see a dog after what I’ve been through. Please think about the human being. If you would leave a partner over a pet that is absolutely awful and I feel sorry for your partner.

I would say about the conversations you had about getting the cat, I don't think he did make it clear that he really didn't want a cat.

DH rolls his eyes and says, here blooming well go again with another money pit, when I get another horse, which sounds similar to your OH, but he secretly loves them and constantly sneaks them carrots when I'm not looking and goes by to see them when he's just "passing".

Surely that depends on the human. Why wouldn't you put an animal before a complete arsehole of a partner for example? Personally I couldn't be with a man who doesn't like animals.

Don’t be silly, fleas do multiply and quite quickly they’ll be munching on OP and the DCs as well. It’s completely unreasonable to expect any family member to put up with fleas (and risk the diseases they carry) because of a desire to have a cute cat to pet and cuddle with. Fleas are not a “comfort” issue, they are a health and safety issue.

Fleas can result in humans catching typhus (a big killer of children not so long ago), M. Haemofelis, tapeworms, cat scratch fever (this the fleas give to the cat and the cat gives to humans via a lick or scratch).

It's also completely unreasonable to let the poor bloody cat put up with flea @Onnabugeisha! More so in fact as there's nothing they can do about it.

Completely agree. That why I think OP should rehome the cat, she’s not taking proper care of the cat. She seems to have zero urgency regarding treating the fleas on the cat as well as in the home. It’s like she’s tried a little bit and is just going 🤷‍♀️ Meh fleas.

Agree on all counts. Perhaps people should start taking pet ownership as seriously as they take parenting, it’s a bloody disgrace all these neglected animals loitering round homes across the country miserably. Then the partner that didn’t want the pet has to resolve issues as the feckless ‘animal lover’ doesn’t bother.

they aren’t enormously relevant to the post as far as I can see. They are only relevant insomuch as it means leaving is perhaps not for the best.
The children are very relevant because having their parents in a relationship where there is poor communication over important decisions, that makes their mother feel a "guest in her own home" and gives their father psychosomatic itching (or makes him lie about itching!), and where conflicts fester instead of being properly resolved, is not a healthy upbringing for them.

You did ask for advice about the marriage not the fleas?