To not see my parents very near to Christmas as my Dad always talks about my weight

[DriedApricotss]

Inspired by another thread.

I have been working on my very poor personal boundaries this year and have basically been distancing myself from relationships where I feel things are toxic or stale / feel I am the only one putting the effort in, etc. My life is quieter but freer and lighter and I feel so much better about things. In the future I will be looking for more balanced friendships.

My AIBU is that my parents and dad in particular is always making comments about my weight and what I eat. I am probably three stone overweight but in my defense, one of my children has been very ill this year so I haven't been able to leave the house to go out exercising as in the past. Even then my dad would make comments about food and weight etc.

As this year has been so tough with my daughter's illness, my husband and I have decided to have a quiet Christmas just the five or us, he, I and our three girls. I did suggest meeting up with my parents on christmas eve as I have had them around to my house for the past 3 Christmases and I didn't want to hurt their feelings however their response to meeting up for christmas eve was to go there for a salad on christmas eve as you shouldn't have two days in a row eating too much. When I suggested meeting up on christmas eve I hadn't even suggested meeting to eat, a quick hi in a town in between our homes would have been enough for me!

All this talk about eating/ what you eat / what not to eat is really starting to put me off seeing them. I find is so offensive. I am five foot 8 and a size 16, I have been slimmer in the past but I have never been mega skinny. It just makes me feel that my dad can't accept me as I am if that makes sense. With my work on my boundaries wirh toxic situationships this year, this scenario with my dad has become more apparent.

How shall I handle this? I have asked him not to comment about my weight before and he stops briefly and then goes back to talking about it. I spend ages working out what to wear before going to see them as I know my dad will be looking at me. I know they must speak about my weight behind my back. It has taken the joy out of taking the kids to see them. Tia x

It shows Kettricken!! So sorry you have been through some dysfunctional nonsense too.

Tell me about it Apricot ...

This.

Nothing further to add from the excellent advice you’ve already been given, just wanted to say well done on working out your boundaries, sticking to them and realising how much happier you are with them in place. Enjoy your Christmas xx

Thanks Hotmess1 I would say it was a few friendship disappointments and more importantly one of my daughters becoming very ill with an ME type of long covid symptom that has made me reassess practically everything this year. On the plus side, it has made my marriage stronger but on the plus and minus side, it has made me feel life is too short to be upset by people who don't really care. Sad to realise your parents are in that category but that's life I guess!

Sounds horrible op 😕

Thanks ontobetterthings x

What a year you have had and clearly come through it wiser and much stronger.

Well done with those boundaries......not easy at all to develop and enforce.

I find it really inappropriate and çreepy that your father is so consumed by your weight and you are absolutely correct to back away and protect your daughters.

I am not suggesting your fathers intentions are untoward, just that I thìnk such remarks inappropriate and creepy.

I wouldn't have my daughters within a 100 metres of anyone speaking like this.

Well done for planning a lovely well earned relaxing Christmas.

Keep voicing your boundaries and distaste.

Great modeling for your daughters.

Thanks Billy yes it's been horrible all round. Not nice to know how little your parents think of you! But also freeing to finally realise and accept the situation so you can really deal with it / distance yourself from it. I was recently ill myself with pneumonia I replied to one of their emails to say btw I'm ill with my lungs and didn't hear back from them! Just bizarre really and sad. Hopefully won't see them now until 2023 as nothing planned.

I didn’t say “it’s ok because she isn’t really fat”. I’m saying she can’t be obese enough for him to be worried about her health if she is only size 16 at 5’8”. It’s her appearance he’s concerned about, not her health, and how she looks is none of his business.
The OP has now confirmed that he does indeed have an eating disorder.

Love this phrasing, very well put.

I found practising say stuff out loud in front of a mirror really helped me when it came to speaking up. It feels odd at first but it works.

You anbu. Your Dad (and Mum?) have got a problem. As well as being abusive they are suffering from some kind of OCD around the non existent issue. I’m really sorry. Perhaps best not see them and write to them expanding on their issue and your sadness at their abuse.

Hate to introduce this thought but just from this description is there any chance your mother is being bullied by your father? He’s obviously prone to bullying so it might be hard for your mother to challenge him on your behalf. He does sound as though he has an eating disorder btw

THIS! ⬆️ 100%!

He's a twat.

Seriously, this. Make it very clear why you're not seeing them. That gives your dad a chance to change his behavior and/or respond. If he doesn't, your boundary has been set. Good for you!

5 foot 8, size 16 - this sounds like the perfect woman ....