To not see my parents very near to Christmas as my Dad always talks about my weight

[DriedApricotss]

Inspired by another thread.

I have been working on my very poor personal boundaries this year and have basically been distancing myself from relationships where I feel things are toxic or stale / feel I am the only one putting the effort in, etc. My life is quieter but freer and lighter and I feel so much better about things. In the future I will be looking for more balanced friendships.

My AIBU is that my parents and dad in particular is always making comments about my weight and what I eat. I am probably three stone overweight but in my defense, one of my children has been very ill this year so I haven't been able to leave the house to go out exercising as in the past. Even then my dad would make comments about food and weight etc.

As this year has been so tough with my daughter's illness, my husband and I have decided to have a quiet Christmas just the five or us, he, I and our three girls. I did suggest meeting up with my parents on christmas eve as I have had them around to my house for the past 3 Christmases and I didn't want to hurt their feelings however their response to meeting up for christmas eve was to go there for a salad on christmas eve as you shouldn't have two days in a row eating too much. When I suggested meeting up on christmas eve I hadn't even suggested meeting to eat, a quick hi in a town in between our homes would have been enough for me!

All this talk about eating/ what you eat / what not to eat is really starting to put me off seeing them. I find is so offensive. I am five foot 8 and a size 16, I have been slimmer in the past but I have never been mega skinny. It just makes me feel that my dad can't accept me as I am if that makes sense. With my work on my boundaries wirh toxic situationships this year, this scenario with my dad has become more apparent.

How shall I handle this? I have asked him not to comment about my weight before and he stops briefly and then goes back to talking about it. I spend ages working out what to wear before going to see them as I know my dad will be looking at me. I know they must speak about my weight behind my back. It has taken the joy out of taking the kids to see them. Tia x

@DriedApricotss my dn is overweight. One day her dm said something about my dn’s weight and my dn quietly stood up, called the dc and left.
She didn’t say why but it was obvious and my dsis learned her lesson.
Thats what you do, every time.

I would t go to their house to be eating salad on Christmas Eve, who the fuck eats salad then? Isn't that when the tins of sweets are opened?

Either meet in town, not to eat or you will be judged if you don't choose plain water and a dry wafer, for coffee or don't meet at all.

Have they not questioned why they're not being invited for Xmas dinner? If they do, tell them straight!

That should be wouldn't

I think I'd reflect it back on him.

' oh you're talking about my weight again even though I've told you not too. Tell me Dad, why do you do this? Is it because you think my weight reflects on your parenting in some way? I can assure you that it doesn't. I'm an adult and therefore able to decide what I eat. I'm also a parent and don't want my daughter's listening to your nasty comments. We've discussed this before and I trust we won't need to do so again'.

Can you just meet for a drink somewhere?

I can’t believe they would be offering you salad on Christmas Eve. The little dig about not eating too much two days in a row is ridiculous. I wonder what they would serve - cold lettuce leaves, tomato and cucumber? Unbelievable.

Please stop trying to justify your weight. You really don't need too, but I presume your father makes you feel like you do? Distance yourself!

Boomer here. There is nothing generational about your Dad’s appalling rudeness and insensitivity. In fact people of my generation were taught that if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing. Ignore him and definitely pass on that yummy mid winter salad offer.

Yeah, I’d give their boring salad a miss. Have some Prosecco and cheese or something.

if you do want to maintain a relationship, boundaries have got to be consistent, often repeated and broken-record. Have a script. ‘Dad, we’ve talked about how you commenting on my weight makes me feel. If you continue to do that, I’m leaving.’ Dad: huff, sigh, what’s the matter now? You: ‘I’m leaving because you continued to comment on my weight after I asked you not to’.

Don’t get into a debate about it or start trying to justify why you’re overweight, why the year has been hard, etc. that’s peripheral to the problem - he’s trampling over your boundary.

If they think that having a big meal two days in a row is bad, then they have big issues around eating. Were they like this when you were a child? I bet they restricted food portions etc.
It really is their problem, and I wouldn't see them. Make it clear why, tell them it's rude, hurtful and not a good model for your children.

What???

Talk about judging others!

Many MNers comment about the orthorexia here, lunchbox paranoia, competitive under eating etc.

It is absolutely not a ‘boomer’ thing.

Yes the OP’s father is toxic around food and weight. But stop with the ageist generalisations.

I love how everyone is so polite on this thread.

I'd be telling my dad to shove his salad up his fucking arse and not to bother.

It was over lockdown that I finally saw my dad's behaviour for what it was. Toxic. He has his wee golden child (not me) and likes his wee digs to put me down. Basically because I'm my own person and not what he thinks I should be. The golden child on the other hand fawns over him for his approval.

I let them get on with it. I keep my distance. See them occasionally but less than I used to. I dont engage on a lot of stuff and don't really discuss my life with them.

I am enough on my own. I don't need the approval of a grumpy old man.

The Boomer thing is probably a red herring. My dad has always been very sporty and I think he identifies with being fit and can't understand why his daughter isn't the same. I do like feeling fitter and slimmer partly because I don't get so much bullying about my weight!

The bigger story here is probably that I'm an emotional eater because my relationship wirh my parents was not brilliant growing up. Always felt they were trying to shame me and it continues! So probably turned to food a bit. Also my shocking personal boundaries have come up from low self esteem etc. So yes I do need to distance myself and continue working on myself next year.

We won't be going there on christmas eve for a small undressed salad, I can assure you of that! Going to stick to us 5 and have a cosy few days wearing pyjamas and eating whatever we blimming well like!! Grateful our daughter is much better!!

its one of the reasons i’ve avoided seeing my grandmother. I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life, she knows this. Yet 3 months post partum she still felt the need to comment ‘you need to lose a bit of weight’. Yeah no shit grandma I have a mirror.

Just a small point (and I do understand - my mother was the same): at 5ft 8 you are not 3 stone overweight if you wear a size 16. Please don't let others' nonsense skew your picture of yourself 😘

I have an aunt like this and it has made me not want to see her anymore. In every other way she is lovely. I had not seen her for a while and arranged to meet up. On the phone she told me that my cousin ( her daughter) had become 'enormous'. When we met up and I saw my cousin she was a pretty normal size 14 ish. She also told me my cousins 3 year old daughter was very overweight, she was just a little chubby. I myself am very overweight and am now so conscious of meeting up that i avoid it as I'm constantly worried about what she's thinking of me. Then again, at the same time she puts on huge spreads of food and keeps encouraging people to eat whilst eating little herself !

My dad is conscious of us being overweight because he finds it embarrassing. Simple as that. When he feels he has put on a couple of extra pounds he simply skips meals and thinks that's fine. He used to talk about x who has four kids and bounced back straight after birth etc. When we weren't overweight it would be other appearance issues. I have told him not to mention weight in front of my kids and he has stopped. My DD had a low weight until puberty hit but was healthy according to professionals. Family would always mention it and say she was skinny or underweight and I would stop them in their tracks.

Do what you need to do for your little unit. If I could afford to go away and do Christmas somewhere else to make it easier to avoid certain people I would.

Victim blaming! I hate when people talk about being over sensitive, to excuse appalling behaviour from others.

Good for you @DriedApricotss . Have a lovely 🎄 Christmas 🎄.

however their response to meeting up for christmas eve was to go there for a salad on christmas eve as you shouldn't have two days in a row eating too much.

”No thanks, mum and dad - not really what we had in mind and not much fun for the girls. If food’s a problem for you, probably better to leave meeting up until after Christmas.”

And watch them change their tune….

I agree talkingmorenonsense. 100 per cent.

Question: none of this makes sense to me, really. Someone uptrend said that my dad knew what he is doing. What is my dad getting out of criticising my weight and telling me what to eat? Is it him trying to find something to criticise me for? As otherwise I'm doing okay? Or is it some kind of control? As I don't really need him / them anymore? I will never understand where this behaviour comes from.

Good for you! I hope that your dad regrets his behaviour towards you. 💐💐

Well, the best thing OP is that you have strong self awareness about the lifelong behaviour of your parents and how it has affected you.

You have made such a positive effort to strengthen your boundaries around friendships etc.

It may or may not be possible to say to your Dad at some stage “I am not sure whether you are aware of the frequency with which you comment about my weight. The thing you never seem to realise is that I struggle with being an emotional eater. And that started when I was a child, precisely because I felt undermined and worthless as a result of those comments. I dare say you didn’t intend to make me feel like that, but I am telling you now. And this is your choice: listen to me and take me seriously when I say I do not want to hear any more of your opinions on food and weight. And I will not allow my children to hear it”.

And hold that boundary.

About Christmas Eve?

”haha, no way! We weren’t planning to eat anything at all on Christmas Eve, it seems so gluttonous, with a big meal the next day! No I meant we would pop round for a quick hello and bring your presents.”

Just don't go to your parents for Christmas OP, enjoy with your DH and kids, relax and have fun! Your dad made his own choice to be snarky about your weight and any idiot knows that when you're an asshole to someone after they've asked you not to be, they'll want to avoid you.

Who knows.

Maybe projecting his own anxieties, maybe he likes to exert control. Maybe he has his own demons around it all, maybe he is a bully.

How does he treat your Mum? Do they have an easy relationship and full equality? Or is she constantly trying to please him?

I think there are a couple of things going on.

Firstly women used to be regarded primarily for their ornamental value, so being overweight would be seen as a very bad thing indeed.

Secondly I think it was possibly drummed into a certain age group that being overweight was the worst thing you could possibly do for your health- obviously smoking and drinking were more acceptable in those days, so I think there is a genuine health concern going on and I do worry a bit <and I'm overweight myself > that we've gone a bit too far in the other direction because being severely overweight is a health concern.

Finally it's a matter of social standing. My DF was embarrassed to have a fat daughter. He told me off age 11 for ordering a dessert in front of my Aunt and Uncle ( very critical of overweight people) because I was fat - happy to order one for himself mind. Another friend's attitude to food is totally screwed up because her DF lined his DDs up and weighed them on a weekly basis.

Sounds like you've got a really healthy perspective on it though OP.