To not see my parents very near to Christmas as my Dad always talks about my weight

[DriedApricotss]

Inspired by another thread.

I have been working on my very poor personal boundaries this year and have basically been distancing myself from relationships where I feel things are toxic or stale / feel I am the only one putting the effort in, etc. My life is quieter but freer and lighter and I feel so much better about things. In the future I will be looking for more balanced friendships.

My AIBU is that my parents and dad in particular is always making comments about my weight and what I eat. I am probably three stone overweight but in my defense, one of my children has been very ill this year so I haven't been able to leave the house to go out exercising as in the past. Even then my dad would make comments about food and weight etc.

As this year has been so tough with my daughter's illness, my husband and I have decided to have a quiet Christmas just the five or us, he, I and our three girls. I did suggest meeting up with my parents on christmas eve as I have had them around to my house for the past 3 Christmases and I didn't want to hurt their feelings however their response to meeting up for christmas eve was to go there for a salad on christmas eve as you shouldn't have two days in a row eating too much. When I suggested meeting up on christmas eve I hadn't even suggested meeting to eat, a quick hi in a town in between our homes would have been enough for me!

All this talk about eating/ what you eat / what not to eat is really starting to put me off seeing them. I find is so offensive. I am five foot 8 and a size 16, I have been slimmer in the past but I have never been mega skinny. It just makes me feel that my dad can't accept me as I am if that makes sense. With my work on my boundaries wirh toxic situationships this year, this scenario with my dad has become more apparent.

How shall I handle this? I have asked him not to comment about my weight before and he stops briefly and then goes back to talking about it. I spend ages working out what to wear before going to see them as I know my dad will be looking at me. I know they must speak about my weight behind my back. It has taken the joy out of taking the kids to see them. Tia x

I’ve been both skinny and slightly (not much) overweight and my dad used to comment on/criticise both. I unsuccessfully asked him not to do it but that had no effect. So the next time he did it I replied listing his ‘body faults’ (beer gut, big nose, double chin etc). I ended, ‘see how it makes you feel?’ He was very taken aback and never criticised my appearance again. Sometimes the only language these people understand is their own.

However I am the first to admit that the tactic that worked was to sink to the same level as him. So the more mature way is to do what PPs have suggested and just tell him you won’t be seeing him again unless he promises not to comment on your weight—and sticks to it.

Exactly this. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for your daughters, because they will absorb your dad's messaging unconsciously.

Your post has a great resonance with me OP and I don't think you should waste your time trying to work out where his behaviour comes from.

My parents and grandparents frequently mentioned my weight when I was a teenager and I wasn't even that overweight (probably a stone) but because they had always been stick thin they obviously thought that I was letting the side down. Cue an eating disorder that lasted until my mid twenties and made me deeply ashamed and unhappy.

I managed to get to grips with it but my whole early adulthood was marred by feeling judged and unworthy. The worst thing was that my mum was a great cook and was simultaneously trying to feed me whilst telling me that "if I ate any more I would look pregnant".

I still have a relationship with her and she has never discussed this and tbh I can't be bothered to bring it up as she's in her 80s and quite frail. However it does make my feelings towards her complicated.

My 16 year old DD is slightly overweight and I have consciously never spoken about her weight or made negative comments about my appearance or hers. She's a wonderful and compassionate girl and I want to build her confidence not destroy it.

I think you are right to draw your boundaries, particularly if you have daughters as remarks about appearance and weight can be so damaging, particularly at a time when you are developing your sense of self as a teenager.

I have often wondered whether people who throw these remarks around have any idea of the damage they do.

My advice would be to enjoy Christmas with your own lovely family and let your dad deal with the consequences.

I would start picking fault with his appearance every time I see him, if you do it back to him he will crumble and you'll see him for what he really is

My parents are exactly like this!! I have had counselling.

you are absolutely right to have boundaries. I have been changing the subject on food and weight for years and either they don’t get the hint or still believe they need to ‘subtly’ let me know I need to lose weight. They constantly talk about cutting down and what weight they are and what they should and shouldn’t eat while giving me meaningful looks.

i have an earring disorder / I wonder why!!!

I even say ‘let’s not obsess about food and weight’. Doesn’t work!

my mum has now started on my niece. And with age it has become more intense. You are right to address this now

Carry on calling it out.
I did with my mother a few years ago.
"Never again are you to talk about my weight or I will just stop speaking to you"
Christ knows why I didn't do it years ago.

I understand where you're coming from OP I've had similar experience but more so when younger, there were always comments on weight and fixations on how much or what I was eating. Comments about skipping meals and what a good idea it was. When I look back now it's actually quite horrifying.
Nothing has been said for years ( I was a chubby child and overweight adult but lost the weight) but I do think as a PP poster said a lot of this ridiculous behaviour is wrapped up in social embarrassment and their children being a visible representation of their parenting success.
It's bloody awful and you have my sympathy. I would focus on looking after yourself and your family and doing something nice at Christmas. You deserve it.

No don't say that. Just don't go and as a PP said, if you see him after Christmas and he comments again ( which he will) just use the ' body shaming is not acceptable to me, line every time he mentions weight and then leave. You absolutely need to stay calm when you say it though. If you do this enough he will stop with the comments.

He will no doubt complain you are being too sensitive and that he just cares about you but as long as he stops commenting to your face that may help your visits and relationship.

As to his comments just being because he cares that is a load of bull. One careful private conversation about your weight with an offer to help and be supportive if you ever choose to lose weight is caring . Constantly pointing out how you are overweight in public is being a dick

Absolutely. Well done.

I wouldn’t cut him out or get enormously invested in changing him. Personally I’d meet them in a pub/cafe with the kids or take them for a cold walk on the beach/woods and a cup of coffee afterwards. Exchange presents give them a kiss and have a lovely Christmas.

Agreed. You can't be very big at a size 16 at 5ft 8in. I doubt you're big at all. I bet you look lovely.

It could be any of those things.

My mum constantly puts people down to big herself up. Weight is her absolute favourite topic. She criticises parenting and then immediately compares it to her rose tinted version of how much better she parented as a "lesson" or example.

Tbh I only managed to make her stop by calling her out in a way that was very close to the bone and made her cry, but it was that or let her continue the constant drip, drip, drip around my children.

It was the weight/ food thing I called her out on because I have two siblings with eating disorders and she constantly states that this is absolutely not her fault and invites / seeks agreement and reassurance about it. Usually everyone tells her how wonderful she is and how she couldn't have done anything different, but the truth is that she has always been very, very keen to constantly comment on everyone's weight with open judgement (constantly praising slimness as a great personal virtue as well as a lot of schadenfreude and shaming of fatness). She was also incredibly controlling about food and constantly parading her own dieting in front of us as children and most of all as teens. So I'm not so sure it isn't partly her fault tbh, though of course eating disorders are complex and there's more to it.

Anyway I put up with it for three and a half decades, but finally snapped when she started that directly addressing my daughter.

It enabled me to address other things as they came up in future years (for example her prioritising including a relative's dog after it bit my toddler and caused a ragged wound over her grandchild) - the culture in our family has always been that she "has a heart of gold" and nobody should upset her. She loves to use the phrase "family harmony" to shut down any disagreement or uncomfortable discussion.

Now she tells everyone she's afraid of me because I make her cry.

Yet another thing us “ boomers” are responsible for !?
Sick of the ageism on MN .

I agree.

They sound miserable. You don't even need to make an excuse not to see them. Just say no. If they ask why, tell them you don't need to hear comments about your weight and diet, don't leave any window open for questions etc. It's not a discussion, it's just the information. For your own sake. I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your kids.

It’s your time off as a family, why would you want it to be a bit shit. If you end up feeling down everytime you see them don’t see them.

My Dad is like this - not with me any more, because for the last 15 years I have made sure I am never anywhere with him, that I can't leave immediately when I want to.

Any comments, any 'hilarious' jokes involving food or my size and I am gone and that typically means he's sat there by himself, which he doesn't like at all.

He does it for a variety of reasons - when I was younger, because he genuinely thought it would make me lose weight.

Then when I was older, I think he tried to use humour so people wouldn't judge HIM for having a fat daughter.

He does think he is incredibly funny - he has never been even remotely funny and age certainly hasn't improved that. His style of humour is very much 'put someone else down' and always has been, but he is also seemingly unable to see that people are giving him attention almost in shock at the nasty things he says, often about his own child/children (my sister didnt entirely escape this stuff though as she was not overweight as a child, she got off easier than I did!)

So I'd advise you to deal with it the way I have - never put yourself in a position where you cannot leave, immediately, with as little fuss or discussion as possible.

I don't have a drama about it, I don't say 'Dad, you're being vile, we've talked about this, I am leaving now' or lose my shit in any way.

I just say 'Ok time we were going, see ya later' and fuck off. And then he's left there, with no audience to play off, no reaction to be had at all, and thus.. no reinforcement for his behaviour.

I can't say I look forward to seeing my parents really. They barely saw me before I had the girls and I know if we didn't have our girls they would be very absent indeed. Next year I am going to be doing what suits me more as its clear as day that there is a lack of respect towards me. Also possibly a bit of jealousy as my girls are lovely and we have our own business and are doing okay - well enough to buy the odd takeaway pun intended double lols - and my parents always really struggled with money. The need to stick the knife in with my weight could be to take the wind out of my sails for that reason maybe, I don't know. It's a shame anyway. And puts me off caring for them as they get older as it makes for awkward conversations etc. Such a shame all round tbh.

I don't know why parents would do this. I would never dream of putting my son down and make him feel bad. I think putting some distance between you and them can only be a good thing. You deserve better.

op have you bluntly told your father any of how his comments make you feel?

I would say

Dad l am an adult and my weight is none of your business, it is constantly upesetting me to have these endless comments each time we meet up, and disrespectful.
Do not do it ever again, if you do l will not want to see you.

Then stop and let him digest it.

Do not make excuses for being blunt or try and soften the message.

My DH has this issue with his DF. He told his parents if they mention his weight he will leave immediately. So far this is working. Although his DH has now turned his attention to DHs Brother. But DH put his boundaries up and so far it’s helpful.

What your father is doing is less important than your own boundaries. When your parents told you about a salad, it was the perfect timing for you to say I wasn't suggesting a meal. Just a visit to see you before Christmas Day".

You can't change your father. You can only change about how you deal with him.

Give them a call and say "Look, it's a bit hectic and will see you after Christmas". Next time your father mentions your weight in his home, leave the room. Don't answer, don't react. Just leave. If he is in your house, be upfront, "I don't like you talking about my weight". No apologies, no justifications.

I know it's difficult to maintain strict boundaries with the people you love but until you do, your father won't respect them.

Is it possible that he's genuinely worried about your health?

Admittedly he's handling it very badly but it might not be about control or jealously if they don't behave like this about other things.

Your dad is abusive and definitely knows what he is doing with these comments.
My sister-in-law is the same. I'm probably a couple of stones overweight and she made some snarky comments to me many years ago. Coming from someone with a history of disordered eating, I could see that she was skewed in terms of body image, but she's also a nasty bitch (not the only one who thinks it - her own sons are nc with her), so I blasted her with both barrels and have only seen her on a handful of occasions in the last 25 years. Win, win!