To not see my parents very near to Christmas as my Dad always talks about my weight

[DriedApricotss]

Inspired by another thread.

I have been working on my very poor personal boundaries this year and have basically been distancing myself from relationships where I feel things are toxic or stale / feel I am the only one putting the effort in, etc. My life is quieter but freer and lighter and I feel so much better about things. In the future I will be looking for more balanced friendships.

My AIBU is that my parents and dad in particular is always making comments about my weight and what I eat. I am probably three stone overweight but in my defense, one of my children has been very ill this year so I haven't been able to leave the house to go out exercising as in the past. Even then my dad would make comments about food and weight etc.

As this year has been so tough with my daughter's illness, my husband and I have decided to have a quiet Christmas just the five or us, he, I and our three girls. I did suggest meeting up with my parents on christmas eve as I have had them around to my house for the past 3 Christmases and I didn't want to hurt their feelings however their response to meeting up for christmas eve was to go there for a salad on christmas eve as you shouldn't have two days in a row eating too much. When I suggested meeting up on christmas eve I hadn't even suggested meeting to eat, a quick hi in a town in between our homes would have been enough for me!

All this talk about eating/ what you eat / what not to eat is really starting to put me off seeing them. I find is so offensive. I am five foot 8 and a size 16, I have been slimmer in the past but I have never been mega skinny. It just makes me feel that my dad can't accept me as I am if that makes sense. With my work on my boundaries wirh toxic situationships this year, this scenario with my dad has become more apparent.

How shall I handle this? I have asked him not to comment about my weight before and he stops briefly and then goes back to talking about it. I spend ages working out what to wear before going to see them as I know my dad will be looking at me. I know they must speak about my weight behind my back. It has taken the joy out of taking the kids to see them. Tia x

Obviously where someone has an issue with their parents making comments, it will be older generation.

But plenty of other people make comments. Sisters. SILs. Brothers, BILS. ‘Friends’. Loads of MN threads about friends making judgey comments about weight.

You are still being judgey about a generation and what you consider them to think is OK or not.

Maybe you should consider what comments you make about others until you have thought this through a bit more.

I don't think boomers are any meaner than anyone else. However it's definitely true that attitudes to weight have changed, and not all boomers have moved with the times.

DD came back from her grandparents with girls annuals from the 70s recently. They have cartoons where a girl who has gained weight is joked about and called names, she decides to only eat lettuce, loses weight and gains acceptance. All presented as a neat moral tale of how to do the right thing, complete with 'fatty' nicknames etc.

Or there's one about how there are two sisters, one is slim and beautiful and one is fat and plain, so the fat one has to be the manager for the other one's international modelling career (she gets disfigured in an accident and cut down to size, but hey that's the price of vanity in the 70s :) )

My point is - this really venomous attitude to weight was commonplace a few decades back. The idea that women's bodies were there to be gawped at and discussed. Some people haven't changed. It's particularly hurtful from a parent because it suggests they don't accept you unconditionally.

So basically OP, I think you should do what makes you happy. Feel free to tell your parents you don't want to see them because their comments make you feel like shit and have zero impact on you losing weight.

Personally I think it would be good if we could have close enough bonds that people could say - hey, you're gaining weight, are you unhappy, how can I help? So the focus is on how someone feels and the weight is just a symptom of that.

Right now in our culture we sit back, observe the signs that someone is unhappy such as weight gain, drinking too much, relationship problems etc and judge the embodiment of the unhappiness to be the problem rather than the unhappiness that is the root cause. People demand that the signs of unhappiness are hidden, rather than trying to sort out the underlying problem.

But changing it would take a major cultural shift I guess!

Some of the most cruel , judgemental comments about weight that I have become aware of in recent times are from young men who watch too much porn and follow ( photoshopped) models on Instagram so have unrealistic ideas about the “ perfect” female body .

I think it's about my dad wanting to be mean and piss on my parade! I don't think he likes me very much tbh. Size 16 at my height is not massive.

I agree. Size 16 for a big boned 5 ft 8 woman is not massive.

Dogtooth I quite agree. In my case, it would be good to instead of jumping to food / weight someone close to my situation could see ive been under enormous strain this year with illness and worry and work. And not mention weight.

I have to strongly disagree.

people who have gained weight know they have gained weight. Pointing it out will only make them feel bad and self conscious.

we can ask how someone is - and express interest and concern without commenting on their body.

on the boomer argument - I think a lot of people are now reaching an age where they are reflecting on their parents attitudes and pushing back. We are also more aware of the impacts on barbed comments.

there will be another generation of children out there experiencing this from younger parents - and in a few years they will be complaining about that generation.

Do we have the same parents op?

Except mine insist on piling me with food as they assume as I'm chubby it's because I eat too much. In reality I eat very little. I'm just a chubby human

Tempting to simply say, "yes, I could stand to lose a few pounds. With X's illness I've not been able to leave the house in months. Any chance you could come to the house for 2 hrs a day and help me out so I could get some exercise?" Hard look...

Or, "thanks for the invite Dad but it's been a very difficult year. DH and I are exhausted and I don't feel up to endless personal comments about my weight. Let's meet somewhere nice for coffee and hot chocolate and wish each other a good Christmas"

Sorry. My Mistake. You are completely right.

My parents are the same and I am also 3 stone overweight. I am seeing them at the end of March (they live abroad) and I responded to my thoughts of them coming by immediately returning to my bulimia. I always cut my clothes tags out as my mother will literally go into my laundry basket to look at what size I am.

So I am following this thread with interest as well.

Just as a funny aside, last time they were here my mother made a comment about how good it is the DCs take after their dad (long and thin) and not me and my autistic 10 year old son drew himself up to full height and boomed in an exceptionally loud and carrying voice; 'WE WILL HAVE NO BODY SHAMING IN THIS HOUSE'.

Love him.

just that when there are people who make comments to like this, it’s regularly people from this particular era

You've got some back up for that assertion that it's boomers (detestable phrase) who regularly make these comments, of course.

And particular era? you make it sound like the bloody Bronze Age.

I don’t think it’s that - I would guess it’s something from the past, most likely his past and childhood. It’s v unusual for a man to comment. And 5’8” and size 16 sounds fine to me.

I think my dad does have a low key eating disorder and is obsessed with staying lean and fit. That's great and that's up to him but as per pp posts on this thread, I have to think of my three girls and what they are seeing and picking up on. Yes I do enjoy food but I'm not excessive most of the time. I could have exercised more this year if one of our daughters hadn't been so ill for most of it. I have spoken to my parents today to say we won't be coming for a meal on christmas eve as the kids wouldn't enjoy salad then and also we were going to stay at home in our pyjamas over Christmas eating whatever we felt like. There was silence on the other end of the phone then mum said 'good for you, good for you all' which was nice. I also then took the opportunity to tell them over the phone that the girls had picked up on the fact dad kept mentioning my weight and could they not bring it up again. Again, silence to begin with then mum said 'of course, we understand.' I said I wouldn't ever want my three daughters to think it was acceptable for anyone to talk about their bodies. We talked about other things but am giving you the edited highlights as they relate to the OP.

Thanks MN for the solidarity today, I doubt my dad will keep to the rule as I've asked before but maybe it will sink in more as I've brought my daughter's into it? We will see and time will tell x

It has really helped hearing all your comments so thank you:)

Oh my goodness well done! Brilliant result.

please call them out if they don’t respect this boundary

This!!

This is what I would do.

Can I also point out @DriedApricotss - you mentioned in one of your posts that your dad equates being sporty with being healthy. Can you remind him of the very high profile cases of footballers who, would be very sporty, but who collapsed on their respective pitches with heart related issues and needed defibrillators to help them stay alive?
Just because one is sporty it doesn't automatically mean that you're not going to have health issues like the rest of the population! How dare he make you feel uncomfortable in your own skin. Be the strong woman you know you are! Time to change the way that you are around him and start showing him who is boss!!!

Don't go. I absolutely refuse to go near my parents house anywhere near xmas as they always make me feel inadequate and unwelcome and yes....overweight.
I spend xmas in my own home. I won't have people putting me down anymore.

I apologise - I was too eager to reply and I hadn't read your update @DriedApricotss .

That's a good result!

Hope you have a wonderful Christmas & 2023!!!! Onwards and upwards!

What on EARTH is "oversensitive" about not wishing to hear constant negative remarks about your body, @underneaththeash ?

& what's the point of OP asking him to stop going on about it?
She already has.
It doesn't stop him.

& OP - PLEASE ignore the no doubt well-meant but bad advice to tell your dad you'll "sort it after Christmas".
Firstly because that's a goal you should set only for yourself, when YOU want to & are ready.
Secondly, because it gives credibility to your dad's idea that he gets to voice an opinion about your body. That he has ANY authority whatsoever to talk about, criticise, or tell you how to manage your own body. Don't give him that credibility.

Can you imagine what he'd do with it?
"Right Apricots, it's January 6th, how much weight have you lost?"
"Hi Apricots, February already & I can't see that you've lost any weight. What have you been eating, are you sticking to a diet?"
"Oh Apricots, What are you having a slice of cake on mum's birthday, I thought you promised us you were going to ..." blah blah drone drone nag nag

The ONLY thing you should ever say in response to any remarks from dad about your body are "cut that out right now dad or I will leave/you will have to leave."
AND MEAN IT.
Show him the consequence of his rudeness. Every time.

PP are right - your daughters don't need to witness this shit.

I've noticed that pretty much every time I see them my dad - yes a boomer - he will give me an article on how weight affects the heart
"Not interested dad. My body is a matter for me & my GP." - & change the subject.
If he pushes back by continuing to talk about the article or your body - LEAVE.

or will make a comment directly or will tell me what he is doing to lose weight I think in the hope it inspires me- he has no weight to lose.
"I'm not having any conversations about weight with you dad." & change the subject. If he pushes back by continuing to talk about your body - LEAVE.

I can tell when he is gearing up to it in the conversation.
"Dad, you've got That Look on your face again. The 'I'm going to lecture Apricots about her body' Look. Do I need to say this again? - I'M NOT HAVING ANY CONVERSATIONS ABOUT WEIGHT WITH YOU." & change the subject. If he pushes back by continuing to talk about your body - LEAVE.

I am overweight but I have nursed our child through long covid this year, it has been very tough and that has been my number one priority. We are also very busy with work. I don't need this nonsense from my dad anymore.
OP my dear - this is the second time I've seen you 'justifying' your weight.
You don't need to. You weigh whatever number you weigh, & that is a matter that is strictly between you ... & yourself.
Of course you are going to feel vulnerable - you've been bodyshamed by your parents for so fucking long that you've become conditioned to feel the need to apologise. YOU DON'T NEED TO! It's nobody else's damn business.
Your amazing body has grown & birthed 3 daughters.
You do not need to apologise for it
thebodyisnotanapology.com/about-tbinaa/history-mission-and-vision/

outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

To control you via shame, as was their habit OP.
You know this already (it's just bloody hard to own it - that our parents could be so shitty) - it's clear here:
The bigger story here is probably that I'm an emotional eater because my relationship wirh my parents was not brilliant growing up. Always felt they were trying to shame me and it continues! So probably turned to food a bit. Also my shocking personal boundaries have come up from low self esteem etc. So yes I do need to distance myself and continue working on myself next year.

I'm not saying they're monsters, but on this issue they are behaving very badly, & they way they brought you up has had a horrible effect on your self-esteem. You can fix your self-esteem, but you can't fix them - you can only control how you respond to them in future.

It's interesting that you say they have also been distant, became closer when your DD's came along, but that you feel they would still be distant if you did not have the DC. I'm sure a large part of you welcomed that closeness, hoped for a warmer, more validating adult relationship with them, but ... here you all are, still in the same dynamic. I hope this helps you let go of any guilt or reluctance to lessen contact if that's what makes YOU comfortable.
And certainly to withdraw contact - to the point of abruptly leaving, or telling thewm to leave - if they DARE trample your boundary again.

KettrickenSmiled please tell me you work in CBT what an amazing series of posts!! Love it. Yes I will be stronger and tougher I have definitely been not kicking off for too long at my own cost. And potentially at my girls' costs too. How sad that my own dad has been bullying me and shaming me. I will never be that parent, that I do know.

ha ha ha nice 'spot' Apricot - just finished a CBT course a few weeks back 😀

No qualifications in it though - just 6 decades experience of having a dysfunctional parent ...