To not see my parents very near to Christmas as my Dad always talks about my weight

[DriedApricotss]

Inspired by another thread.

I have been working on my very poor personal boundaries this year and have basically been distancing myself from relationships where I feel things are toxic or stale / feel I am the only one putting the effort in, etc. My life is quieter but freer and lighter and I feel so much better about things. In the future I will be looking for more balanced friendships.

My AIBU is that my parents and dad in particular is always making comments about my weight and what I eat. I am probably three stone overweight but in my defense, one of my children has been very ill this year so I haven't been able to leave the house to go out exercising as in the past. Even then my dad would make comments about food and weight etc.

As this year has been so tough with my daughter's illness, my husband and I have decided to have a quiet Christmas just the five or us, he, I and our three girls. I did suggest meeting up with my parents on christmas eve as I have had them around to my house for the past 3 Christmases and I didn't want to hurt their feelings however their response to meeting up for christmas eve was to go there for a salad on christmas eve as you shouldn't have two days in a row eating too much. When I suggested meeting up on christmas eve I hadn't even suggested meeting to eat, a quick hi in a town in between our homes would have been enough for me!

All this talk about eating/ what you eat / what not to eat is really starting to put me off seeing them. I find is so offensive. I am five foot 8 and a size 16, I have been slimmer in the past but I have never been mega skinny. It just makes me feel that my dad can't accept me as I am if that makes sense. With my work on my boundaries wirh toxic situationships this year, this scenario with my dad has become more apparent.

How shall I handle this? I have asked him not to comment about my weight before and he stops briefly and then goes back to talking about it. I spend ages working out what to wear before going to see them as I know my dad will be looking at me. I know they must speak about my weight behind my back. It has taken the joy out of taking the kids to see them. Tia x

Don’t go. Your daughters don’t need to hear that shit and neither do you.

Exactly this.

If you don't enjoy seeing them then don't put yourself through it. Sounds like you'll just come away feeling shit. You aren't obligated to see them just because they're your parents.

That's horrendous. Just don't go. He sounds horrible.

I would call to say Merry Christmas, we won’t be seeing you because of your behaviour around food, I have 3 daughters who don’t need to hear your constant put downs about food, it’s not healthy. See you soon.
Job done.

“Body shaming is completely unacceptable and I won’t have my daughters exposed to it.” Then leave.

Do that every single time. It sends a clear message to both him and your kids that NOBODY gets to do this.

And no, I wouldn’t go. You deserve some peace.

Don’t go. Who the fuck wants salad on Christmas Eve anyway?

I agree with others - this is toxic behaviour from your dad and you are not obliged to keep putting your face out for a slap.

The next step might be to tell him why, to give the opportunity for change, but again you are not obliged.

I’m spending my first ever Xmas away from my family because of the same thing :) I can’t wait to actually enjoy my dinner and not throw up it up again afterwards!

Oh OP, I totally understand this feeling! I have a really lovely family but there's frequent comments or 'looks' about my weight and it makes me feel so self-conscious. I'm about 3 stone overweight too and yes, it's a constant battle that I'm always trying to tackle, but the comments or looks make me feel absolutely horrendous about myself. Before

going, I'm anxiously trying to find the best outfit to make me look slimmest and if I stay over, I dare not walk around in my oversized PJs in case I get more comments. I've explained multiple times that I KNOW I'm overweight and it's a mental battle as much as a physical one, which means the comments don't inspire me, they just depress me. And when I feel crap, I just want to eat!

If I were you, I'd avoid the 'salad'! Just pop in for a coffee and then be on your way.

My dad used to do exactly the same. I stopped contacting him back in 2002.

Maybe go with the original plan. Quick coffee in town, change the subject if they veer into something personal. If they aren't prepared to meet half way, then don't see them "Sorry so much to do on Christmas Eve, can meet you in town for a coffee at x time".

Mine comment on my weight every time, although seem to have given up recently probably because they realise that they need my help, plus they're obsessed by everyones weight including their own ( they each weigh a lot less than me) I keep quiet when they tell me it.

I think you're being a bit oversensitive, he's probably worried about you..
Next time he mentions it just say "Dad, I know I'm a bit overweight, but you going on about it all the time really doesn't help. I'll sort it after Christmas. Can we just enjoy ourselves."

What an unpleasant thing to do / say to anyone, never mind his daughter ,
It struck me while ready your op that you used the phrase ‘ in my defence..’
OP you do not need to defend or apologise to anyone . None of us are perfect, and most of us have shit going on. Your Dad is an incredibly lucky man if he is perfect with a perfect life.
So don’t waste your angst on him. He’s not pleasant and he’s failing you as a father, and potentially your daughters as a grandfather. That’s on him.

He knows exactly what he's doing and no, OP isn't being oversensitive

Sorry to hear your dad is like this. I agree with all the above comments- you shouldn’t feel obligated to spend time with him if he is going to make irritating and unwelcome comments constantly. It would be bad enough any of the rest of the year, but I’d be phenomenally pissed off for someone to be judging me constantly over Christmas. It sounds like you’ve had a tough year with your daughter being ill. I would do what makes you enjoy rather than spending time feeling depressed and self conscious.

Its such a boomer thing to obsess about what people eat it really is! They’re so judgy. Is if boredom? Were they not ‘allowed’ by society to be overweight when they were younger so are enraged by the current acceptance that people can be overweight and it’s ok? I find it such a weird attitude.

But I see you OP. I can totally relate. And it’s a sad situation.

Good for you for protecting your kids from this. The remarks about the salad show they have no intention of changing. A bit of a break from them might help them realise that they can actually stop making those remarks.

I'm a fat boomer, I mix a lot with other boomers and there is only one obsessed but weight. To be fair she has lost 12 stone so it's understandable. All the rest are various shapes and sizes and just enjoy life.

But if course everything wrong in life is down to boomers and the current weight obsession is nothing to do with social media is it?

Sounds unbearable and how long before he turns it on one of your daughters?

I understand just not seeing them is probably not an option as it is difficult. I would as others have advise make it clear in the strongest terms that this is not acceptable and this year meet them somewhere else like a walk on Christmas Eve.

Your poor daughters having to eat a miserable salad on Christmas Eve!

Wow thanks for all the responses!

I've noticed that pretty much every time I see them my dad - yes a boomer - he will give me an article on how weight affects the heart or will make a comment directly or will tell me what he is doing to lose weight I think in the hope it inspires me- he has no weight to lose. I can tell when he is gearing up to it in the conversation.

I am overweight but I have nursed our child through long covid this year, it has been very tough and that has been my number one priority. We are also very busy with work. I don't need this nonsense from my dad anymore.

If you can tell when he's gearing up to discuss it - aka lecture you - then you could have some fun with it.

Deflect to another topic of conversation immediately - the more random the better - "Look is that an eagle in the sky ?","Gosh what about the Scottish referendum thing". Hopefully this will unsettle him enough not to mention it.

For mine, I think it comes from a vaguely good place, in that they're worried that being overweight is bad for your health. Now they grudgingly say oh well it could be worse than being a few stone overweight as they have various concerns of their own - so not really much better comments wise.

It’s nothing to do with being a boomer.
There are judgy people in all age groups.

I came on here to say exactly that, no defence needed

And the post above yours, justifying and placating the father 'I'll sort it after christmas',,,, the OP has NO need to justify or clarify or explain or plan or reassure anyone about her own blood weight.

I had this for absolutely years. My mum and dad we’re constantly obsessed with my weight, I was a chubby child and now im a chubby adult, up until about 4 years ago I literally spent every day since I was 14 on a diet. Since I’ve accepted I’m fat and dont tend to mention it they don’t either. I’ve showed them I’m happy in my own skin and if one of them has a comment to make i Just throw it back on them and pick up on one flaw of theirs. They tend to leave me alone now.