To not see my parents very near to Christmas as my Dad always talks about my weight

[DriedApricotss]

Inspired by another thread.

I have been working on my very poor personal boundaries this year and have basically been distancing myself from relationships where I feel things are toxic or stale / feel I am the only one putting the effort in, etc. My life is quieter but freer and lighter and I feel so much better about things. In the future I will be looking for more balanced friendships.

My AIBU is that my parents and dad in particular is always making comments about my weight and what I eat. I am probably three stone overweight but in my defense, one of my children has been very ill this year so I haven't been able to leave the house to go out exercising as in the past. Even then my dad would make comments about food and weight etc.

As this year has been so tough with my daughter's illness, my husband and I have decided to have a quiet Christmas just the five or us, he, I and our three girls. I did suggest meeting up with my parents on christmas eve as I have had them around to my house for the past 3 Christmases and I didn't want to hurt their feelings however their response to meeting up for christmas eve was to go there for a salad on christmas eve as you shouldn't have two days in a row eating too much. When I suggested meeting up on christmas eve I hadn't even suggested meeting to eat, a quick hi in a town in between our homes would have been enough for me!

All this talk about eating/ what you eat / what not to eat is really starting to put me off seeing them. I find is so offensive. I am five foot 8 and a size 16, I have been slimmer in the past but I have never been mega skinny. It just makes me feel that my dad can't accept me as I am if that makes sense. With my work on my boundaries wirh toxic situationships this year, this scenario with my dad has become more apparent.

How shall I handle this? I have asked him not to comment about my weight before and he stops briefly and then goes back to talking about it. I spend ages working out what to wear before going to see them as I know my dad will be looking at me. I know they must speak about my weight behind my back. It has taken the joy out of taking the kids to see them. Tia x

I am in no way saying boomers are responsible, just that when there are people who make comments to like this, it’s regularly people from this particular era. Clearly the majority of people from this era are not like this at all. That’s not what I’m saying. But look at all of those who also have relatives like this - it’s not their sister or brother who’s saying it, it’s their mum or grandparents. There must be something about growing up in that era that made these commenters think it’s acceptable to comment - and it’s not.

This. Exactly this. I'm assuming he's absolutely perfect then - ideal weight, exercises regularly, doesn't drink or smoke, etc etc.
I'm raging on your behalf.

Pigs in blankets with potato salad that has bacon bits? I'd find that Christmassy.

But, no. I have a family member who thinks it's hilarious to keep count of how many biscuits, sausages, roast potatoes, mince pies or other food items that other people eat. He even maintains a running mental total of how many mince pies people eat over the season (he asks, "How many have you eaten since…" and then keeps mentioning that back to people).

It's beyond tiresome and has never been even faintly amusing.

I'd really hoped that one good thing that would come out of the last few years would be that people would realise that they can spend Christmas at home and without being exposed to family gatherings with passive-aggressive or unpleasant relatives.

What’s with the salad on Christmas Eve? It blows my mind.

Do they think that they are introducing you to the radical new concept of salad? Which you wouldn’t have encountered previously. Then as soon as you taste it you will always choose it in preference to, er, all other types of food?

Do they plan to invite you for salad on every day during the Christmas period, so that you will be too full of lettuce to eat anything nice?

I’m really glad that you turned that offer down! Enjoy the Quality Street and pigs in blankets.

Don't do this. It's really unhelpful. I'm 5 ft 8 and I would be very big at a size 16. She hasn't said her weight (and doesn't need to) but she knows herself better than random strangers do.

Op seems to have a very clear perspective on her own weight issues so it is unhelpful and unsupportive to say "you're not fat". She knows she's fat.

The point is that the way her family treat her is not ok.

@Letsgetreadytoblackcurrantcrumble Its not being a 'boomer' that makes people behave like this, its being an arsehole, arseholes are around in every age group, usually quite easy to find, they are nasty, bullying, rude and are looking for any sort of power trip they can have at someone elses expense, the OPs DF sounds like an insecure nasty git who is jealous of his lovely dd and the successful adult life she has made for herself and cant cope with the fact that he is now pretty insignificant to her.

Congratulations on your newly firm boundaries!

Don't put up with this for the sake of your daughters as well as yourself. See them the week before for a cup of tea or something.

The only thing to do with your Dad's comments is to pull him up every single time. 'Dad - I won't listen to you making comments about my weight/health/appearance. I am fine the way I am and I don't need your input. Talk about something else.' If you can tell he's gearing up for it 'Dad are you about to make a comment about my weight/health/appearance? if so, don't - I am fine the way I am, and I don't need your input. Talk about something else' I would find a really standard sentence structure that you use every single time. If he says 'oh but I just want to...' just repeat 'I don't need your input. Talk about something else.' - it will be awkward for you at first, but it will very quickly get much more awkward for him. The broken record technique often does work.

If he doesn't toe the line, then I would sit him down and tell him that if this doesn't stop, you will be seeing much less of them, as you don't want to hear this, and you certainly don't want your daughters to.

I don't think it's worth speculating on why your dad does it. It sounds like it is most likely that he thinks it is good to be fit and thin, and that it he thinks it reflects badly on him that you aren't, and feels angry with himself about that, which he directs into anger at you. He might be trying to make himself feel big by making you feel small, but that seems less likely.

“ growing up in that era “

Good grief - and you say you aren’t judging ??

I had this as well with my parents.

Little comments about what I should and should not eat (they seem horrified that I could eat bread for example) because I would get fat.

Also a few comments about whatever clothes or shoes I was wearing making my ''ankles look big''...

I have never been overweight in the slightest and have been a size 12 most of my life (and still am at 52).

I ended up almost starving myself when I was in my teens.

One of the many reasons I no longer have contact with them. it was just part of the lifelong pattern of being controlling and destroying my self-esteem.

I'd be doing massive faux yawns once he starts gearing up
And if he asks why you're yawning so much tell him it's because he's fucking boring saying the same thing to you every time you see him
(Obviously leave out the swearing if your girls are there)

But I'm a sarcastic mare so 🤷‍♀️ 🤣

I'm low contact with my mother for this exact reason, and I pulled her up on comments like this a few weeks ago. Even at my slimmest she would caution me about gaining weight. I am 5' 8 and a size 18 currently, but I'm probably fitter than I've ever been, ironically, and I honestly think that she hates it because I'm healthy(ish) but not adhering to her idea of what healthy is.

I hope you do stay at home for Christmas, and in the New Year I'd think about reducing your contact even further. Your daughters don't need to internalise that message, or to see their Mum being emotionally abused.

Best of luck OP.

And @Letsgetreadytoblackcurrantcrumble one of the ( many) reasons my 30 something year old DD dumped her 30 something year old BF was because he made constant digs about her weight ( she is a perfect size 12) . So please less of the blame the boomers .

Just what I was thinking.
And his behaviour isn’t him being worried about her. She isn’t morbidity obese! Most likely he likes women to be slim and believes that women must conform accordingly. Or maybe he has, or has had, an eating disorder. The Christmas Eve salad is pretty abnormal.

When I started reading this I thought you must be massive and your dad was finding it hard watching your eat yourself to death and was trying to help. But 5 foot 8 and size 16 is nothing out of the ordinary. There is a good chance you don't even look overweight. They may have eating issues themselves and are letting that effect you. Don't let them.

The OP hasn't said how much she weighs. A size 16 is pretty big (and very vague, could mean anything really).

She doesn't need to be told that it's OK because she isn't really fat. You don't know that. She says she is, and she presumably knows.

The point is that her parents shouldn't be putting her down because of it, NOT that it's OK because she "isn't fat".

Your parents are toxic and the weight comments are absolutely shit. But you know this. Well done for working on yourself, OP, and your boundaries. It can be a difficult and lonely path when you find you can no longer tolerate other people's crappy behaviour, but you are absolutely doing your best by yourself and your own children, who will absorb your example.

In your position, I would message them saying how you feel about the constant insensitive comments about your weight, and that you will no longer tolerate it. Tell them that you will get up and leave - or ask them to leave - if it continues. Then follow through with that warning if they ignore it.

Nobody has the right to treat you this way. The fact that it's your parents is doubly hurtful.

Yep.

People used to weigh a lot less - that's why folks are mentioning the generational thing.

If you see films of the queens coronation or people on the beach in the 60s and 70s they are all generally a lot slimmer than the average now. I was deemed to be huge and fat at school at 5ft6 and 11 stone, now in my 50s I am 12 stone and fit into most size 14s.

So my DPs probably see me as being enormous.

But the thread really isn't about is OP overweight or not, or how she looks, it's about her DF using general modern good manners not to discuss any aspect of her weight or her appearance, unless it's to say "You look lovely darling ".

I did the same but with phone calls. I live on the opposite end of the country to my dad. I have always desperately wanted my dad to like me. I wanted a close relationship with all my family. Sadly, mum's a complete narcissist and dad was just mean. It feels like I spent my whole childhood in tears, feeling like shit after dad would shout at me or just be really mean. It continued to adulthood and every week as the dutiful daughter, I'd phone him, he'd be mean, I'd come off the phone and cry like some pathetic wuss. It took me far too long to realise that I was holding that phone to my ear. I was calling him. I was openly inviting the nasty words.

One day I decided, no more. The second he started being horrible I'd just put the phone down. I continued this, on the phone and if meeting in person, I'd walk out and go home/back to whatever relatives I was staying with on my hometown visit.

I eventually had to stop all contact. When it started back up again a year or so later he was a different man. He kept his nasty fucking comments to himself. We never fully recovered until he was dying though.

Not at all! To be honest I’d cut off any family if they spoke to me like that. Parents or not. Would consider going ‘no contact’. You don’t need people like that in your life.

I'm probably a bit biased as I'm recovering from a serious bout of anorexia but you should absolutely protect your daughters (and yourself) from their disordered bullshit. Eating disorder forums are full of people who often naturally sit at a slightly higher BMI and have families who couldn't resist putting them down about it and trying to control them. It sounds like you've managed to side step internalising their negative attitude to food and weight and are establishing healthy boundaries - good for you. You're setting an amazing example to your daughters.

Actually I'm one of those insidious vile snipey responsible for everything boomers and I'm seriously pissed off with reading shite like this.

It's not about my size really i know that but to be honest sometimes I feel curvy and healthy and sometimes I feel fat... depending on comments etc! It does affect me when people comment about my weight. I am broad shouldered so would never be able to fit into a size 12 blouse, for example, even if very slim and have big feet so am big boned if that makes sense. I'm definitely not dainty but I don't hate the way I look. I don't think it is about that though, tbh I think it's about my dad wanting to be mean and piss on my parade! I don't think he likes me very much tbh. Size 16 at my height is not massive.

Great suggestion.

They are reaping what they've sown.

Please don’t go, no one should be body shamed like that, no one!
if your family treat you like this then you need to walk away.
I have suffered abuse most of my life and I am nc with all them. I have family that genuinely loves me for me.