I'm so much poorer than my partner :(

[Jessiejines]

We've been together for 5 years and we moved in together last year and since we've bought a house together, it's really highlighted to me how poor I am compared to him.

Partner earns around £80,000 a year. I earn around £20,000.

Christmas is coming up and I'm stressing about affording presents, whereas he's not bothered. I've asked him whether we can have a limit on how much we spend on each other this year (around £80-100) as I can't afford the usual £300 we spent before buying a house. He said he still wants to spend around that much but it's stressing me out because I'm trying to budget for Christmas but after paying my share of the mortgage and then buying some presents ready for Christmas, I'm finding I'm living paycheck to paycheck.

This time of year always stresses me out. I love Christmas but I hate the expectation of spending loads :(

He's planning about 3 holidays next year and I just can't afford this but he keeps telling me I can. I tell him the average person is would not go on 3 holidays so we don't need to.

I feel I can't save money as everything seems to be about spending money but now we have a mortgage, I can't just throw money about everywhere.

It's all keeping me up at night :(

I guess my aibu Is whether I'm just a boring person as I don't want to spend

Does he know exactly what you earn ?

You're not boring but he's not much of a partner. If you were partners, your finances would be shared or he would accept your financial limitations.
I'd think about how you want the future to look especially if you want kids. Will he be like this while you're broke and on mat leave? Will he see nursery as "your" expenditure too? This is a major red flag.

How are you splitting mortgage, household costs, holidays?

You’re not boring, and he’s being massively unreasonable if he expects you to be able to match his spending when your income is only a quarter of his!

Don’t try to keep up with him, you’ll ruin your own finances. Be very clear about what you can / can’t afford, and stick to it.

Yes he knows how much I earn and mortgage (including household bills) is split about 55 percent him, 45 percent me. I pay about £600 in joint and he puts £700

Why on earth is it split like that when he earns 4 times what you do?

He's taking the piss out of you. It's not a partnership.

You have a house together. You have been together 5 years. You should pay proportionate to what you earn or share your money.
Don't spend our on holidays if he can afford to pay for you to go and do not spend more than you can afford on Christmas. Maybe do something different like write him a book let of promises that he can cash in over the year, make him a photo book of memories or something that involves thought and time but not money.

I never expect him to pay for me and I like to pay for my own things,I'd rather not go on 3 holidays.
My parents were not well off and never took me abroad so it's not a big part of my life. I'd be happy with 1 holiday

I would suggest to him that you just have the one account and pull all your money. He might quickly change his mind

Your joint contributions need to be in the ratio of your earnings, which is 1 to 4.

For every £100 that you contribute, he contributes £400.

Otherwise it's not a partnership. And you can't live on air.

I’m sorry, but that’s a really unfair split even if you ‘never expect him to pay’ for you. Has he (seriously) offered to pay more and you have declined?

Do you and he contribute proportionally to the joint responsibilities? He should be paying at least twice a smuch as you towards those things. Although all of that needs discussion and he may be blithely in his I'm All Right Jack world, not thinking about the financial imbalance because he is the one in the "better" financial position.
And no you are not BU, or boring. The terms of your life together need to be agreed, as nicely as possible.

The issue you is you pay far more proportionally than him, you earn a quarter of what he does and pay almost 50% of the bills so he has far more surplus cash than you

He needs to pay 4/5th and you 1/5th and that’s the conversation I would be having , then you could afford holidays

@Pantst because I can't deal with the jokes such as "you couldn't afford the house without me", "I pay more for the house", so I'd rather pay as much as I can so I can't have those jokes thrown at me.

Everything is money money money with him hence why it stresses me out

DO NOT stay with this man, you'd be better off single. He sounds dreadful. Earning 3-4 times more than you, splashing it about, and making you suffer and struggle financially. Ditch him, he sounds vile. Imagine what life will be like if you get married and have children? He will have you living in penury!

This. It's all very well wanting to pay your way, but this is cutting off your nose to spite your face. Shared household outgoings should at least be paid proportional to income if you're not going to pool resources fully.

How can any loving partner live like that, knowing their partner is struggling?

You should have a shared financial life or ay the least your expenses should be in proportion to both your earnings.

Honestly, the issue isn't the holidays. It is the split of household costs. He is not a good partner, the split is totally unacceptable. I wouldn't want to be with someone who would accept me paying what you pay in your situation, even if i was insistent. No way.

Surely if he's earning four times the amount you earn, he should be contributing four times the amount you contribute? He knew what you earned when you got together. You can't give what you have t got. Speak to him firmly.

He doesn’t sound very nice sorry

You're being taken advantage of OP.

I was in a similar earning situation with my husband. He paid ALL of our bills AND gave me spending money.

So you either a quarter of his income but pay nearly half? That is madness.

It isn't at all nice that he is comfortable with being so wealthy while you are struggling.

Surely most commited couples have "family money".

Oh god. Dump him. Honestly, please, get out now. Don't have children with this man.

I am trying to find a better job btw and I don't plan on being on this much forever. I'm 28 and I just feel a massive failure.
Sorry for the negative post but Christmas makes me feel this way :(