I'm so much poorer than my partner :(

[Jessiejines]

We've been together for 5 years and we moved in together last year and since we've bought a house together, it's really highlighted to me how poor I am compared to him.

Partner earns around £80,000 a year. I earn around £20,000.

Christmas is coming up and I'm stressing about affording presents, whereas he's not bothered. I've asked him whether we can have a limit on how much we spend on each other this year (around £80-100) as I can't afford the usual £300 we spent before buying a house. He said he still wants to spend around that much but it's stressing me out because I'm trying to budget for Christmas but after paying my share of the mortgage and then buying some presents ready for Christmas, I'm finding I'm living paycheck to paycheck.

This time of year always stresses me out. I love Christmas but I hate the expectation of spending loads :(

He's planning about 3 holidays next year and I just can't afford this but he keeps telling me I can. I tell him the average person is would not go on 3 holidays so we don't need to.

I feel I can't save money as everything seems to be about spending money but now we have a mortgage, I can't just throw money about everywhere.

It's all keeping me up at night :(

Good god, get rid of this asshole. Do NOT become pregnant.

I am the first to say that women should be economically independent and that every able adult should be financially supporting himself or herself.

But he is vile and selfish. Expecting you to beggar yourself to maintain parity in the household bills, and let you fret about how to afford the holidays he demands, and worry about spending on him at Christmas? Beyond vile!

A loving partner would seek peace of mind for you both in terms of financial arrangements. A loving partner would say "Your presence is yourChristmas present, please don't spend a cent on me." A loving partner would, in these circumstances, treat you to holidays and delight in so doing.

Please. Take it from those of us with decades more experience -- he is an utter asshole and you can do far, far better.

Can you ask him to buy you out of the house? To get your 8K back? Get it and move on.

Oh dear.

Red flags OP. You've chosen a bad egg I'm afraid.

It's not too late to get out of it. Please think very hard before having kids together.

He's not 'joking' about money. He's putting you down. He's trying to belittle you. That's not what a good partner does.

She deserves her £8k back and 50% of the current property value, minus any outstanding mortgage.

Don’t encourage the op to be financially docile.

That's not a partnership at all.

This man does not love you, but he does love the power he has over you. He will destroy you. Please leave.

Honestly between now and Christmas when he's out get three estate agents round to value the house. Then on Christmas day present him with a dear John Letter with the average valuation of the house spelling out what It's going to cost him to buy you out or the house goes on the market on boxing day.

I'm 28 and I just feel a massive failure. Sorry for the negative post but Christmas makes me feel this way :(

It’s not Christmas making you feel that way, it’s your emotionally and financially abusive partner.

You do realise it’s much more than you bring pressurised to live “beyond your means” ? I don’t think you have taken on board you are in a financially abusive relationship, you are in a terrible situation now whilst you are child free and in employment, I dread to think what is lying ahead of you when you are either on maternity leave/not working when you have children. My bet is you will do a hundred percent of the child care and housework and still be expected to contribute 50 percent to the mortgage and bills, no doubt any childcare will have to come out of your wage and he will tell you you should be grateful as you wouldn’t be anywhere without him, it’s a tale as old as the hills on here, please don’t head down the same path.

Agree with others.

I've experienced both ends of the spectrum where partners have out-earned me massively.

This guy is most definitely at the wrong end of that spectrum.

He is not a partner. A partner would not make jokes about your income.

I never really understand married people or people with long term partners talking about their separate finances. Surely if you’ve been together 5 years, what’s yours is his and vice versa?

Don’t feel guilty - you’re contributing and he’s contributing. Do you worry about house chores or share them? Most people don’t divvy up house chores equally and one partner usually does a bit more than the other and it’s the same with money. And if his annual salary is £80k, he isn’t bringing home that amount, he’s paying 40% tax, so nowhere near 80k in real terms. Unless you mean he earns 80k after tax?

What does need to change is the way he talks to you about money.

He is mean.

Mean with money.

Mean with words.

Mean with his kindness and understanding.

Mean to agree one thing with you so you buy a house and then go back on it.

I'd lay it all out on the table with him. How unkind those comments were and how they made you feel. How you are so stressed about £.

There's a chance he'll think about it and change but sadly I think that's unlikely.

Better to find out now what kind of person he is than after kids.

Everyone saying he should be paying 4 times what OP pays… how does it work if they split? Surely he can say he’s paid 4 times the amount she has so he’s entitled to majority of the house?

This

OP, your current arrangement is ludicrous. Have a serious discussion with your partner.

Whatever you do, don't have a baby with this man unless you are married. He sounds selfish. Not really a keeper in my book.

This is the reason I don’t live with DP. I really wanted to but I wasn’t comfortable with the financial split so decided to stay in my modest house and just stay at his at weekends. It works for us. I would never live with someone until I’d ironed out all these things. I think you need to sit down and explain all this to DP and if he still makes you feel like a freeloader then you need to leave.

You are incompatible. His lifestyle is money orientated which is fine yours isn’t. It will only get worse. I don’t agree that what’s his is yours and vice versa. No it’s not until you get married and start a family it’s his money. He shouldn’t be making jokes about your money. A house should be treated equally.

you need to split up.

This isn’t a partnership. If you live together and own a house together why are you keeping separate finances? Do you split the grocery shopping? Count the slices of bread each one eats? Electricity bill? Do you measure who used how much water and divide the water bill like that, like counting toilet flushes and timing showers? You sound like two flat mates who have sex occasionally. Unless you earn identical amounts to the penny, one of you will always earn more than the other. So what? Pool your money and pay your bills and book the holidays you can afford with what’s left.

I don’t know any couples who live together that buy each other Christmas presents. Sounds like two dating teenagers. My money, your money never ends well as the countless threads here show.

He pressures you to live beyond your means (and in deep anxiety about it) while he does not live beyond his.
He keeps making 'jokes' that make you feel small.

A loving partner would really want to find ways of sharing wealth with you without ever making you feel bad. Such a partner wouldn't trample on your need for independence.

Sadly, as you approach this Christmas note that you have the Cinderella role but your partner is both ugly sisters and the wicked step-mother ... not the prince.

I think that some of the comments are a bit unfair. He saves more because he earns more. Couples talk about finances but we don't always feel the disparity until we are actually living it.

He probably feels that he works very hard so he has earned the right to treat himself to 3 trips a year.

I don't think that it is unreasonable that the OP should pay 40-45% of a mortgage for a property to which she would be entitled to 50% of the equity if they were to split. She benefits more from this arrangement than he does at this point.

However, she should say up front that her Xmas budget will be limited as will her travel budget. She should also tell him that the jokes about are financial status are a her uncomfortable.

It is fine to say how your parents lived or under what circumstances you grew up, but the real question is to what life style do you aspire as a couple and what life style do you want to provide for your children? That is the discussion that you should be having .

If there is agreement in that discussion, then you should discuss the expectations around the contributions from each of you. If there is no agreement in that discussion , then you both have your answer.

Financial discussions can be difficult because it is one of the few areas in which feelings do not matter. Mortgages, utilities, insurance, clothing, food, etc are all real dollar expenses and these obligations have to be paid in currency rather than explanations from your children or unkind jabs about your partners low wages.

You and your partner should have an adult discussion about these things with no embarrassment or jab taking.

Not sure how it's even possible to buy a house with a £20k deposit these days, but ok. At least you don't stand to lose huge amounts.

If the property is 50/50 equity it's reasonable to expect you to pay your 50% share of the mortgage.

For household bills, it would seem reasonable for the higher earning partner to be paying more.

If he wants you to go on holidays you're not bothered about then he can fund it, or just say no. Ditto Christmas presents.

More to the point though why are you continuing in a relationship with somebody who pressures you, makes you feel uncomfortable and mocks you about your salary (or anything else)?

Just prioritise saving and spend what you can on Christmas. Once you have saved what you want to save and spend with you are comfortable with its up to your other half to pay for the rest.

Oh fuck off 🤣

Fuck off a) because £20k is 10% of £200k and 5% of £400k, both within budget with combined income of 100k and both can get a very good house throughout much of the country.

And b) fuck off saying £8k isn't a lot of money. Perhaps not to you.

Sorry to break it to you but you’re not in a relationship, you’re just friends with benefits.

Why would you agree to such a split? That’s very very unfair and unreasonable.