I'm so much poorer than my partner :(

[Jessiejines]

We've been together for 5 years and we moved in together last year and since we've bought a house together, it's really highlighted to me how poor I am compared to him.

Partner earns around £80,000 a year. I earn around £20,000.

Christmas is coming up and I'm stressing about affording presents, whereas he's not bothered. I've asked him whether we can have a limit on how much we spend on each other this year (around £80-100) as I can't afford the usual £300 we spent before buying a house. He said he still wants to spend around that much but it's stressing me out because I'm trying to budget for Christmas but after paying my share of the mortgage and then buying some presents ready for Christmas, I'm finding I'm living paycheck to paycheck.

This time of year always stresses me out. I love Christmas but I hate the expectation of spending loads :(

He's planning about 3 holidays next year and I just can't afford this but he keeps telling me I can. I tell him the average person is would not go on 3 holidays so we don't need to.

I feel I can't save money as everything seems to be about spending money but now we have a mortgage, I can't just throw money about everywhere.

It's all keeping me up at night :(

Well if that is how he makes you feel then why are you with him? You’ve tied yourself into an unhappy, unfair and financially abusive relationship.

@Jessiejines you're getting some truly fantastic advice on this thread OP and you clearly need some reassurance that all your instincts about this useless man are correct or you wouldn't have posted. Money is always an uncomfortable subject in any relationship but there are serious respect issues that need to be addressed and the man you're with doesn't respect or deserve you. You're young and more than capable of having a better life without this petty, joyless wealthy leach, as he'll only get worse and you'll be a miserable dried out and rinsed stooped shadow of a woman who he will ditch in a heartbeat. Stop letting yourself be treated unfairly. What advice would you give to someone you love who was treated like you?

Yes they were. The difference is you paying £200 extra a month, that’s not exactly going to cover 3 holidays and all the expensive gifts etc will it? He earns 4 times what you earn so not sure what you mean the difference wasn’t glaring when it was.

you should find a way to extricate yourself from this persona Dan find your own path. Really he can’t even pay for vacation for you and you are planning to spend the rest if your life avoiding being abused as a freeloader. What will happen when you have children? Please leave before then and it’s even harder to leave.

They own the house 50-50, so they’d each only be entitled to 50-50 regardless of who paid more.

But really you’re making the mistake a lot of people on this thread are - the contribution to the joint account isn’t just for the mortgage. It’s for all the bills too. So OP could contribute 50% of the mortgage & house insurance if they really wanted that, but it would still make the rest of the living expenses split unfair. They should only contribute proportionately to that.

So - mortgage & house insurance & repair/maintenance costs = 50-50 as it’s an asset they own 50-50.

The rest split proportionately so they have at least equal percentages of their income as disposable.

But it’s all a bit joyless and transactional for a committed relationship heading towards children etc. And OP is still young…

I feel for you OP - I have always had a very similar sense of pride and desire to ‘pay my way’ I.E. 50% of joint costs despite earning less than my partner. By the sound of it stemming from similar childhood experiences of financial insecurity. However in reality I have not been doing this for years because my partner pointed out how unfair this was. He also didn’t want to have to compromise our lifestyle to live within me being able to pay 50% but more importantly wanted/wants to enjoy this lifestyle with me. Over the years our earning gap has increased significantly with him now earning 80% of our joint income and so paying 80% of our joint costs (including holidays, dinners out). If I’m am honest I still struggle with this from a pride perspective and I am keen to find a better paying job but he has always assured me he is happy with this set up and that we both contribute to the relationship in many ways that aren’t financial which I am slowly starting to accept. I guess my point here is I understand your desire to ‘pay your way’ but paying proportionate to your income rather than 50/50 shouldn’t make you feel like an unequal partner. Some of these feelings might be something you need to work through yourself but I think the fact that your partner is not encouraging you to split your costs proportionately or trying to help you feel okay with this on an emotional level is a big issue.

Considering you have been together for 5 years and own a house together and are talking about a future family I would strongly encourage you to make the case to him for splitting costs proportionately and explain why it’s important for both of you in the short term and long run Depending on his response I’d be making decisions about the future of the relationship. Good luck

I think you’re right to pay half the mortgage and bills if you can, but he has to see that your disposable
income is smaller and make adjustments. Doesn’t sound very kind to you though.

This.

OP, you deserve better (and I’m not talking about more money).

The disparity with regards to how much you are contributing is ridiculous - no wonder you’re feeling stressed. Let alone the comments from him. As a pp said, it’s not Christmas that is the stress.

Please think very carefully. Because those comments, and your feeling of stress etc, will get worse if you have children with him.

If you can sit down with him, have an honest conversation about both of your feelings, and then things improve - then that is fantastic. But if you aren’t heard and he continues then please think seriously about how you want to feel and live your life each day.

You are 28 - you still have a lot of life ahead of you. It might not be easy, but it is your life to live and shape for you and those that really love and respect you.

You're still wrong. It's not about being pressured to spend more than you want to. It's about your partner waiting until he had some sort of hold over you (the house together) to show his true colours.

And it's worked for him. His constant sniping has you paying a ridiculous proportion of the household costs while he swans off with much more spending money than he'd have if you hadn't bitten.

Don't confuse the man you thought he was with the man he's now shown himself to be. He's mean with money and will always have pound signs in his eyes. I would seriously urge you to get rid. I know you've just bought the house together, but do you want years of being belittled and taken advantage of?

Ugh whatever you do, do not have children with him unless you are married or earning a lot more than him. He will be insufferable.

Please think very carefully. Because those comments, and your feeling of stress etc, will get worse if you have children with him.

I also think you'd find yourself paying for almost everything for the DCs if you were to have them with him. Somehow he'd make it your problem when they needed a pram, nappies, school uniform...

Get out now and do not have children with this man! In a similar position but I’m the high earner. Would never expect my partner to pay the same. If I want a certain lifestyle then I accepted the need to pay for this for me and my partner. 50% wages goes into joint account and all things joint ie house/holidays etc come out of the pot.

Have never resented doing this or thrown any comments with regard to who’s paid more in. Can’t imagine ever doing so!

There is no way that is a fair set up when he earns £60,000 more than you.

Lots of gold-diggers here.

Joint is joint. It is the account that rent, entertainment, bills etc all come out of. Why should anyone put in four times a fair share because they earn it?! If the mortgage is 1000, why should one put in 750 and the other 250 when you're both living in the same house equally??? As long as the mortgage for example is a fair mortgage for the lower earner, no biggie.

My wife earns three times my salary but we put in a thousand each and the rest of the money is our own. If we need something big, like a conservatory, we'll chip in the rest usually her doing a but more, but I'm no way going to treat her money as my own!

I am not here to be supported by my wife and it shouldn't be vice versa. If one partner contributes more, then the other starts to get lazy, complacent and abuses them... A gay couple I know is in that exact situation... the 'poor' one just bleeds the joint account dry because he sees it as 'their' money, the rich one feels obligated to top it up and the cycle continues.

I am not abused, I don't feel I am contributing more than my fair share, we live a life based on my salary.

In the OPs case, yeah, not a nice guy if he is guilting you into living beyond your means...

@C1N1C
Gold diggers?! Please.

'I am not here to be supported by my wife'

'If we need something big, she'll put in more' so you do need support from your wife...

And not sure what relevance the 'gay' couple have to your point. Who cares if they're gay?

Right can I firstly say. He only put in 4K more than you for the deposit?
I think you need to start making "joke so

"Hey pisshead, you only put in a few extra k for the deposit you cheapass. Think you needed me to help you"

Honestly I think this thread is a outlet for you because I truly believe you know this isn't right. I would be asking for my £8k back. And go rent somewhere cheap. Honestly leave him.

My husband pays for everything and anything left over gets transferred to the joint account for savings. When I had children I wasn't guilted or stressed that he would hang it over my head.
And that's what will happen.

"god you wouldn't be able to raise children if it wasn't for me" he would be really annoyed at paying for childcare everything.

I think you do need to leave him. Now before it's too late.

He's a bastard

Not sorry

Youre getting closer. Really you feel this way because you are in a relationship with a nasty arsehole. Who is bleeding you dry. I’d just finish the relationship to be honest. You are young, it would be a huge mistake to have children with him. You’d be penniless on mat leave as you wouldn’t have much saved and it wouldn’t occur to him to support his family, you’d struggle to go back to work and do everything around the house as he’d be away working and see all that as your job without for a moment recognising you were forgoing earnings or that you were facilitating his going away- if he were an active dad who picked his dc up every day and gave them dinner he couldn’t work away and earn his £££! And he would never ever appreciate you. You’d be poor as he would see childcare fees as yours to pay so YOU could work. It’s a miserable life if you set up with a miserly man who places no value on you.

think hard about all this. Buy him a £5 card for Christmas and say I can’t afford much, you couldn’t live for a week on my salary so don’t go on unless you’re willing to put your money where your mouth is. Tell people- say I earn 25% and pay 45% of bills so I’m pretty skint. He does get it, he just doesn’t care I’m sorry. But he’d be embarrassed to realise other people know. It’s supposed to be your little secret and he looks like a nice guy to everyone else.

Fuck me, your first line is gold diggers! Jog on with that crap.

Fuck off.

Op why are you with him?? What do you mean he doesn't understand you can't afford things, has he lost the ability to do math?

Hey Jessie , you are NOT a massive failure, this person is just making you feel this way . This is not a partnership! Since having kids I earn way less than my husband . Before, I used to pay bills and other important expenses. Now he pays the majority of things and I just do a some
grocery shopping and things like that . I don’t feel bad about earning less . Before you decide on your future with your partner you need to discuss how he will support you as he is clearly not supporting you right now and you deserve better . You work hard , are fun, conscientious and loving so don’t let him think less of yourself . Also have you looked at Vinted for Christmas - I have bought amazing stuff for the fraction of the price - some new and giftable. I hope things get better for you , sending you good vibes and hugs xx
bushra

Your earnings are similar to mine and DH's, before we had our baby he paid the mortgage and a couple of small bills and I paid the rest of the bills. We've had this arrangement from about 4 years in. We also give ourselves the same spending money each, I insisted he gets more than me but he only takes a small but more.

You need to have a calm but serious chat with your DP, it's not fair at all that he's putting all this financial stress on you and not understand that you have different incomes. It sounds like he's a big spender, how much does he save? You both need to careful that you are getting savings between you for unexpected costs etc and with your incomes it's perfectly fair that he saves the big bulk but you both benefit from it

My wife earns three times my salary but we put in a thousand each and the rest of the money is our own.

So it seems like your financial situation is rather different if the OP is stretching to put in $600 a month and her partner's $700 comes from a pot four times the size of hers... and he still moans about it and pressures her to match his lifestyle.

So........ big-shot male earns £80k, and OP earns only £20k.

But what about the true value of the work?
He could be some sort of 'senior marketing executive'.
And she might be a carer or a teaching assistant.

Whose work is more 'valuable'?

@C1N1C

I'm gonna take a wild guess here and say your and your wife's salaries are different but not that different.

@C1N1C

Apologies. I'm tired and misread your post. 😊