I'm so much poorer than my partner :(

[Jessiejines]

We've been together for 5 years and we moved in together last year and since we've bought a house together, it's really highlighted to me how poor I am compared to him.

Partner earns around £80,000 a year. I earn around £20,000.

Christmas is coming up and I'm stressing about affording presents, whereas he's not bothered. I've asked him whether we can have a limit on how much we spend on each other this year (around £80-100) as I can't afford the usual £300 we spent before buying a house. He said he still wants to spend around that much but it's stressing me out because I'm trying to budget for Christmas but after paying my share of the mortgage and then buying some presents ready for Christmas, I'm finding I'm living paycheck to paycheck.

This time of year always stresses me out. I love Christmas but I hate the expectation of spending loads :(

He's planning about 3 holidays next year and I just can't afford this but he keeps telling me I can. I tell him the average person is would not go on 3 holidays so we don't need to.

I feel I can't save money as everything seems to be about spending money but now we have a mortgage, I can't just throw money about everywhere.

It's all keeping me up at night :(

And you don’t have to.

Buy what you can afford. He’s got no say in how you spend what’s left. If he wants a partner to live the high life with him he will have to rethink…

These incompatibilities were not evident before the house :(

How do you buy a house with someone that doesn't pool their money with you

That's not a relationship, imo.

You really need to rethink how he is treating you OP.

He isnt treating you as a partner - no sharing
He isnt being fair in the splits of finances
He is putting his wants above yours. Its sensible to save for when your car breaks. Its not sensible to have no savings. He doesnt care because he wants someone to go away with
He makes 'jokes' to undermine you and change your behaviour...and it's worked because now you're afraid to speak up to even ask for a fair outcome.

The vast majority of people who have been together that long and own a house together, just pool their finances, or keep them separate, but split costs in a way that's reflective of their incomes, and so that they both have roughly the same fun money.

Nothing about what you've said indicates that he cares about you and your wants and your security. He just cares about you paying your 'half' even though you're on a quarter, and what he wants to get out the relationship.

He wouldn't pay for me to go on holiday - I'd pay myself.
I wouldn't expect him to pay for me

Are you trying to pay your way 50-50 when it’s putting you at a serious disadvantage? Stop doing that. Pride is a dangerous thing sometimes.

If he wants 3 holidays, his choices are to go alone on 2 of them, and compromise on the cost & location of the shared holiday, or pay for you too (which probably means he can only afford 2 holidays, boo hoo).

How was the house bought? Do you own it jointly or do you each have a percentage interest?

im wondering for when you leave.

@CourtneeLuv before we bought the house, the plan was he puts £1000, I put in £400. I put down an £8000 deposit, he put £12,000.
After the offer was accepted, and we were in the process of moving, "jokes" started about how I am living off him, I can't afford the houseand he will be paying for most of it.

I obviously felt embarrassed by coming across as a "freeload" so I said I'll pay £600 and he said he'll go down to £700

I think you're so proud about doing things yourself and not being seen as a gold digger that you've gone the other way and are accepting the unfairness.

In a few years, if you stay together...say you progress really well and are earning a lot more than you are now. He gets made redundant and struggles to find something else so takes a minimum wage warehousing job in the mean time. How would you treat him? Would you insist he paid his 'half' no matter what? Would you insist you still wanted a present he couldnt afford? Would you try and push him to spending all his savings on having fun when he said he didnt want to do that? Of course not because it would be really unfair and unsupportive

@NoSquirrels I guess it is pride but Im not with him for his money, 5 years ago he wasn't on this when I met him. I just hate the jokes as I always believe there's some truth behind the jokes

@DrinkFeckArseBrick you're totally right! I don't know how to even bring it up now without coming across I want to live off him

These are not "jokes", it's nastiness.

Take your chance, leave him now, before it's even harder.

He earns 4 times what you earn and you think this split is fair because...? 🙄

Please look up the signs of financial abuse. There are some red flags here, and abuse in relationships usually happens gradually, with a ramping up
With change of circumstances to make you more dependent or vulnerable eg having a baby or moving in together.
It's not about the Christmas presents or the holidays, it's the attitude, both of your attitudes - you seem to be going along with the thinking that you need to pay your way equally, despite how unfair that is.
Please pay attention and be aware of signs of financial and emotional abuse, it is insidious and creeps up on you.
Take care of yourself

Yeah... Those aren't "jokes".

He sounds absolutely dreadful.

How is the house owned?

If it’s anything other than 50-50 joint tenants then you’re being screwed over.

Please say you know the answer to this! If you’re not sure, you need to find out ASAP.

This is financial abuse.

I would seriously reconsider this relationship.

Good people don’t talk to their partners like this, or put pressure on them to spend money they don’t have.

🤦‍♀️ If you were a brand new girlfriend I’d understand this worry but you’ve brought a house?! You realise most married couples share finances?!

@bumpertobumper good money often comes with being away from home a lot and he's hoping to be on over £100,000 at some point.
We've obviously discussed having children in a few years (I want a better wage before I have children) and he can sometimes be away for weeks, so I will be the msi

You can certainly bring up with him that you cannot afford holidays because you’re paying much more than was initially agreed on the house. If you had an extra £3,600 a year, you might be able to afford a holiday - or his motherfucking £300 Christmas present. Tell him the extra rent is his gift this year!

Seriously, bring it up by getting a bit mad about it.

I clicked too soon again sorry!! I was meant to end it with so I'd be the main one at home with the children

not to be rude but this is ridiculous and not equitable at all! you earn quarter of what he does thus 75% of the cost is his. Jesus wept not to be dramatic but its almost financial abusive this level of disparity no wonder youre stressed.

There’s nothing worse than a tight man. I’d rather date a broke man than a tight man.

Do NOT have children together if you are not married and will fuck your career because he works away. Please.

Bloody hell do not have children with him!!! Sell up and walk away from this asap. He's not a partner, he's using you and apparently enjoying it too if the jibes are anything to go by.

What do you see in him that makes you want to have children with him...?