I'm so much poorer than my partner :(

[Jessiejines]

We've been together for 5 years and we moved in together last year and since we've bought a house together, it's really highlighted to me how poor I am compared to him.

Partner earns around £80,000 a year. I earn around £20,000.

Christmas is coming up and I'm stressing about affording presents, whereas he's not bothered. I've asked him whether we can have a limit on how much we spend on each other this year (around £80-100) as I can't afford the usual £300 we spent before buying a house. He said he still wants to spend around that much but it's stressing me out because I'm trying to budget for Christmas but after paying my share of the mortgage and then buying some presents ready for Christmas, I'm finding I'm living paycheck to paycheck.

This time of year always stresses me out. I love Christmas but I hate the expectation of spending loads :(

He's planning about 3 holidays next year and I just can't afford this but he keeps telling me I can. I tell him the average person is would not go on 3 holidays so we don't need to.

I feel I can't save money as everything seems to be about spending money but now we have a mortgage, I can't just throw money about everywhere.

It's all keeping me up at night :(

I'd have pulled out of the sale.

Purchase.

@NoSquirrels were joint tenants. If we were to break up it'd be 50/50. (He was considering getting a contract in place for him to get his deposit back). Writing this down makes me realise how stupid this all sounds

I'm so glad I've got all this off my chest. I honestly thought this was all Christmas anxiety but this thread has made me realise it's not Christmas anxiety but me feeling pressured to live above my means

Whatever you do buy him a £50 Christmas present, he can afford whatever he wants so don't try and even compete.

If he says anything remind him it's x% of your take home pay and did he spend x% of his on you?

He really is tight and unpleasant isn’t he? In the scheme of things, a £4k disparity of a deposit is nothing significant, but he’s massively concerned.

I’d be dying to start making my own digs and jokes, like about how he changed the goal posts on the terms you agreed, but I wouldn’t want to be as nasty a person as he is, so I think I’d just leave.

This is a major part of the problem it should be based on a more equal ratio!

OK, joint tenants is good.

For the love of all that is holy, though, do not even contemplate kids until you’ve thrashed this financial stuff out properly - and to be honest as leopards don’t change their spots I’d expect him to be extremely difficult to live with and raise children with full stop. Do you want to be the one who always pays the kids bills because he doesn’t see them as a priority for spending his money on?

He needs a proper Come to Jesus talk
and you have to be prepared to be righteously angry about the inequality.

This here is your mistake.

they're god awful and so mean spirited, wouldn't wish it on my enemies.

He is massively taking the piss! My partner is due to move in to my house soon, he earns about 23k I earn 70k. We have been together 18 months and i refuse to take any more than than 25% of joint costs from him as I want us to both be better off from living together and have a decent amount left after Bill's. Your partner sounds utterly selfish and greedy.

I can also bet, that the next relationship he has he’s the kind of person who will try to charm her with his new higher earner status and treat her to expensive gifts and nights out in the courting phase.

for whatever reason, he’s decided you aren’t entitled to anything of the good, fair and decent treatment, so this is just a taste of your future life if you stay around.

This doesn’t even make sense. How can he be on 80K, you’re on 20K yet you’re expected to pay for three holidays next year?? It’s not like he’s on 80K and you’re on 60 or something like that. I really don’t understand this set up, it sounds crazy

You need a new partner. He sounds terrible.

His inability to share his money with you would be a big red flag for me. And when he says you couldn't afford the house without him, it's not a joke, it isn't funny. He's having a dig at you. He doesn't see you as his equal, purely because of money.

Take a hard look at your situation. If you have children together without being married, you could well find yourself in a very insecure position.

After 5 yeers together things shouldn't be like this. You seem more like flatmates than partners. Where is this going. He sounds pretty horrible tbh.,

Ask him for 1 month to only be able to spend your amount of money and see how he likes it.

Could he pay the same % of his wages as you pay into a joint account - you could use the account to overpay your mortgage - holidays - gifts for each other whatever - but that way you both have 'money of your own' and are benefiting from joint income.

If he says no - or takes the mic for doing this - you need to assess whether you want to stay with him.

You are 28 years old. That is so young. Get out now and don’t waste another six months or year of your life with this man, let alone £300 on his Christmas present. What on earth?! You don’t tell other people what they should spend on you! Your preferences for Christmas or holidays are every bit as important as his. Say no! He isn’t really in this relationship as a real partner. Seriously, don’t waste £300 on this man. He is a waste of time and money. Take it from someone much older than you, ie. me. Do not even consider having children with this man.

I don’t have much of a suggestion but I don’t think I’d like the power play of my husband earning 4x as much but contributing nearly the same amount as you do. Me and my husband have joint finances yet I still feel independent and it’s our money together. OP you’re not a massive failure at all… please don’t feel pressured to earn more to keep up with his lifestyle.

Truthfully I don't think it's your job you need to get rid of..

Im sorry but he sounds awful. My DH and I have a similar discrepancy in our pay. When we first moved in together he sold his flat and bought our house himself. We have separate finances and I pay 1/3 towards bills. He pays for any maintenance on top. We're about to move to our next house and I didn't even ask, he just assumed I'd go on the mortgage this time and own the house equally. He's also suggested we join our finances and have equal spending money from our account. He's never made me feel inferior or made jokes about how I wouldn't have a house without him (even though it's absolutely true!). I'm pretty good with money but if he wanted a holiday I couldn't afford he would have paid for it rather than go alone. Your partner's attitude isn't normal.

He played you. He knew full well what the effect his jokes would have on you.

He is the freeloader in this relationship.

I would be worried about having children with this man. Will he expect all nursery/child realted fees to be paid by you rather than viewing them as a family expenses, will he expect you to keep paying your 45% whilst on maternity leave. At the very minimum insist on marriage before children as he sounds like the man who wouldn't pay child maintenance.
Actually though I'd be reconsidering the whole relationship.

Oh and get out now. Do not get pregnant. Do not pass go!

Seriously this is not a good relationship if he's happy for you to be broke whilst he saves.

I agree @Boiledbeetle