I'm so much poorer than my partner :(

[Jessiejines]

We've been together for 5 years and we moved in together last year and since we've bought a house together, it's really highlighted to me how poor I am compared to him.

Partner earns around £80,000 a year. I earn around £20,000.

Christmas is coming up and I'm stressing about affording presents, whereas he's not bothered. I've asked him whether we can have a limit on how much we spend on each other this year (around £80-100) as I can't afford the usual £300 we spent before buying a house. He said he still wants to spend around that much but it's stressing me out because I'm trying to budget for Christmas but after paying my share of the mortgage and then buying some presents ready for Christmas, I'm finding I'm living paycheck to paycheck.

This time of year always stresses me out. I love Christmas but I hate the expectation of spending loads :(

He's planning about 3 holidays next year and I just can't afford this but he keeps telling me I can. I tell him the average person is would not go on 3 holidays so we don't need to.

I feel I can't save money as everything seems to be about spending money but now we have a mortgage, I can't just throw money about everywhere.

It's all keeping me up at night :(

Oh, I know those kind of "jokes" the kind that undermine you and leave you feeling like shit.

*earn

Get him the gift you can afford, don't joint him on holidays - if he wants to go - he can go alone. He will take the hint. Why do you agree to his terms?

Does he know exactly how much you are left with each month after all bills are paid? If not you need to have a frank discussion about that and find a solution that suits you both. If he does know and expects you to keep up with him anyway then maybe he’s the problem, not your lack of money.

He's not being a real partner is he? Why would someone who loves you, supposedly - pressure you to spend money you literally don't have on frivolous stuff you don't even want?

The problem here isn't your completely different income, it's:

1. he's not emotionally supportive and dismisses your rational concerns, like a child who's not yet learned how to handle his pocket money - you're being sensible here!
2. it's not a real partnership. If it were he would be open to changing the setup.

Have you asked him. Blankly. "DP, why are you pressuring me to spend money you know I don't have on something I'm not fussed over? What's driving you to do this?"

His answer will be telling. Is he just thick and doesn't understand money/income/expenditure at a lower income, it does he not care? Whichever it is will be interesting.

You aren't compatible. Totally different attitudes to money. Also he thinks he's superior because of how much he earns going by his comments. You have different outlooks on life as well. He doesn't take your concerns seriously. I could go on. LTB.

He sounds like a pig.

People who love each other don't treat each other that way.

This man is not your partner - he sees you as being less important than him. His 'jokes' are designed to keep you feeling small and inferior.
You would be better off emotionally, and probably financially, without him

He is feathering his nest at your expense.

He doesn't think he's on a lot though - he has about £15,000 saved after the house deposit and to him that's "poor". I don't think he's ever lived on the breadline whereas my upbringing has always been parents struggling for money (think meal plans as at one point the couldn't afford food,)

He sounds awful, OP.

It’s done now, but why would you buy a house with someone who has such a miserly attitude to life and who would mock you for not earning enough?

If you've been together 5 years and have a house together I'd be expecting an engagement and merging of money. I wouldn't be contributing so much, he needs to pay more for bills, do it proportionate to what you earn, 20% you 80% him for now. I'd want joint money long term though, I wouldn't stay with someone who was like this about money. I merged everything with my husband when we bought our first house, doesn't matter who earns what, we have what's in the joint account (I earn slightly more, it isn't something that matters though).

He sounds awful! Just saw the update about his "jokes".

You are incompatible. You are an adult, he's a child in a sweet shop. You don't have a happy future together.

I bet for all his high income he'll have no rainy day fund. Or pension contributions etc. I've seen it so often.

If you have kids with him you will be massively vulnerable and even more financially abused.

It wasn't like this before we got the house but I had a lot of spare cash then. I think I'm quite average tbh - I don't think the average person could afford a mortgage and 3 holidays a year?

You are not in a partnership if you don’t consider joint income. I out earn my husband 5 times. But it’s all our money. That’s what being a partner means.

Isn't he just. Nice house with half the mortgage paid by his girlfriend who earns 1/4 of what he does. What a Prince.

You are average. You're not a failure. You're just a normal person.

He sounds really horrible tbh.

My husband has always said to me that he doesn’t care if I earn 17k or 47k or anything in between; we are a team and we live within our means as a couple. There’s no way he would expect me to pay almost the same as him while he gets to save and has a lot of disposable income leaving me with nothing.

He sounds quite financially abusive. It isn’t normal to act like this towards someone you supposedly love.

Anyway, regardless of how you ended up this way, you can’t afford the lifestyle he wants as you don’t have the disposable income. So buy him what you can afford for Christmas and don’t go on holiday.

If he wants to spend £300 on a present for you, and take you on holidays he’s paying for, grand. He can do that.

I've read more of your posts, scrub what I wrote, dump him, he sounds awful.

It's the house that's brought out the money difference.
He thinks after Christmas I can save the money I have left for the holidays.
In normal times when I'm not buying Christmas presents, I probably have £300 left after everything has gone out including my phone and car.

Maybe even less some mo the but I don't want this money just thrown away on holidays, I want it saved incase mycar breaks down or something needs doing on the house

Oh op, he sounds awful!!
Do not have children with him as it'll be 'his' money you'll be living off whilst you're on maternity.
You're supposed to be in a partnership, this is not a partnership and those 'jokes' aren't jokes, they're digs and will only get worse.

@NoSquirrels he wouldn't oay

That’s ridiculous ! I earn 3x more than my partner , so I pay 85% of all household expenses so we both can have some spare money ( he pays his own stuff off course like car insurances etc and I pay mine ) when it comes to holidays I pay the majority other way we chose not afford it . I do not resent any of this , sharing a family for sure means sharing finances to an extent

@NoSquirrels oops posted too soon. He wouldn't pay for me to go on holiday - I'd pay myself.
I wouldn't expect him to pay for me but he wouldn't even suggest paying for me anyway if he wanted to go on these 3 holidays. But he can't understand that I can't afford this - I could probably afford 1 European holiday but not 3.