Tiger parenting

[McCoysCheese]

I see a kid each week for tutoring. Chinese family, kid is Y8.

He's told me his parents love him and only hit him if he has been very bad. I've asked him to talk to his school counsellor but he said no, he's ok. I told him it's not allowed in this country for parents to hit kids. And that he can call Childline or NSPCC. But he doesn't want his parents to get in trouble.

If I report then I will never see him again and the situation doesn't change. Any advice?

This isn't strick parenting, it's abuse.

When a kid tells you something it's because they don't know how to make it stop and wants you to do the 'grassing up'.

I wouldn't, things will get worse for the boy. In asian culture, it's not seen as abuse for abuse's sake, it's seen as correcting the child.

People have too much faith in safeguarding systems.

A large number of tutors are just graduates, or even A level students who have paid for DBS check and signed up with an agency or tutor company.

I know a few who drifted into it for a bit of cash on top of their jobs, while many are teachers, many are not and do not know anything about safegaurding.

So you can't assume OP is a teacher.

How old is this kid? 12?

He has asked you for help. That's why he told you. You've said he and his friends think it's normal, yet he told you? That's him wanting help.

Surely you have a safeguarding policy in place?

Does this mean that a child has to put up with abuse if it has purpose and not for 'abuse's sake'.

I think the whole scared of being accused of racism is complete bullshit, its a cover for overworked and downright incompotent social workers who basically don't give a shit about kids from poor or troubled backgrounds. Its used as a defence for dealing with kids from ethnic minorities or working class children.

It happens time after time.

Like this case, a complete fucking failure from GP's, Social workers , top to bottom:

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-63749813

Not RTFT, so forgive me if the conversation has moved on.

I'd speak to the NSPCC. Let them take it forward as they see fit.

If you lose this boy as a client as a result, then so what? Your conscience is clear. You have tried to safeguard him.

learning.nspcc.org.uk/training/child-protection-tutors

OP, the NSPCC offer safeguarding training for tutors, probably worth the investment.

It's not just qualified teachers who have a responsibility to the young people they work with and with all the high profile child abuse cases it's scary how the message still isn't getting through.

Yes and i'm sure he would agree and he will do the same when he's a parent, you live in a UK centric bubble. It's not nice but it's the reality.

I do agree with you to some extent. However virtually every single person we work with was poor and working class or majority at that time we're refugees from Somalia, Iraq and Rwanda. There was definitely a different response to children that will be in physically abused by British parents than non-british. And again a difference between those for the travelling community and other white nationals.

He told you because he trusts you - trusts you to do the right thing. Kids don’t disclose to adults because they don’t think the adult will do anything about it, they disclose to an adult because they trust that adult to act and help them.

Where are you based?

In both Scotland and Wales, there is now a legal ban on smacking children (it became illegal in Scotland in November 2020 and in Wales in March 2022).

In England, smacking a child is still legal for a parent to smack a child, in certain circumstances.

It is illegal for teachers, nursery workers and workers in other education settings to hit children in their care – ever.

It is illegal for a privately employed babysitter or nanny to smack a child in their care, unless the parent has given specific permission.

It is legal to smack your child in England. Rightly or wrongly - but it is legal.

Using culture to excuse abuse is a terrifying path. It's not 'tiger' anything. It's beating a child.

Im a tutor and we received child protection training.

You’re way overthinking it, OP. It’s not your place to decide what the outcome is for this child. That’s for child protection professionals.

Your duty, your OBLIGATION, is to report what he’s told you to the relevant person/body. What happens after that is not your business.

Where has the OP mentioned “beating”?
“hit” is completely open to interpretation in the context we have.
My parents “smacked” me - which I don’t endorse, but neither was it in the “abuse - remove into the care system or even involve social workers” category either.
A lot of people seem to jump to a lot of conclusions and exaggerate on Mumsnet tbh.

I'm in England so yes it is legal

If you are working as a tutor you must have a safeguarding policy in-line with the law. In brief: If you are aware of abuse you have no choice other than to share the information. If you don't have a DSL in your tutoring business then use his school DSL. You cannot and must never promise confidentiality to a child. To do so would in itself be a safeguarding risk. This is not your professional call to make. You must pass the information immediately and state what he has told only without your opinion. You need to leave the consideration of cultural contexts etc to the professionals. It isn't youe call to keep this quiet because you think it's for the best. This isn't about you and tbh if you can't adhere to basic and legally binding safeguarding procedures you should not be working with young people. Sorry to be blunt but this is also to protect you.

I’d look at the worst/best case scenario in all cases…

you don’t pass this on or follow relevant safeguard principles - the child could end up physically and mentally harmed.

you do pass this on and nothing happens- the child can end up harmed but you did your duty.

you pass it on and authorities step in- abuse stops

1 of these I could live with, 1 I’d struggle but cope, the other is unbearable.

Im surprised that as a teacher you are unsure which to do.

There are plenty of accredited safeguarding courses available online. You should undertake one asap and keep your qualifications up to date. This will also cover how to talk to people when they have made a disclosure or you suspect abuse, including not asking leading questions. TED - Tell me, explain, describe and help you form your own (legally required) safeguarding policy as well as how you proceed, which has already been covered by numerous PPs.

It's not up to the OP to look into it further and ascertain what is going on. She does have a responsibility to report any concerns.

No judgment on whether you agree with smacking.but has he disclosed what he meant.a smack,hit,beating

How old are you OP? You sound immature to me, going on about cultural issues. Just because something is normalised in a culture doesn't mean it is right.

It is very simple - you put in a report to social services. They will not go in all guns blazing - very likely it will be just noted on a file maybe with the child being identified as 'at risk' unless there have been reports from other agencies eg school flagging similiar concerns.

Yesss, please talk to his parents / uncle , siblings anyone. Tell parents clearly it's not allowed in this country and he could be removed from your care if you continue. They might not recognise the consequences of hitting their child. Maybe even find them a parenting class they can attend in Chinese if there is one.
And let them know if after this you do find out they're still hitting you'll have to report it to safeguarding.
They might not send him to you anymore but that's fine you've done your part by informing them. Often with the Asian cultures corporal punishment isn't considered bad and seen more like disciplining the child, so they need to be make aware this is not acceptable nor the correct way to discipline a child.

It depends on where you are. Smacking/hitting is illegal in Scotland and Wales but not England. It also has to be a "reasonable punishment" and not leave a significant mark.