Tiger parenting

[McCoysCheese]

I see a kid each week for tutoring. Chinese family, kid is Y8.

He's told me his parents love him and only hit him if he has been very bad. I've asked him to talk to his school counsellor but he said no, he's ok. I told him it's not allowed in this country for parents to hit kids. And that he can call Childline or NSPCC. But he doesn't want his parents to get in trouble.

If I report then I will never see him again and the situation doesn't change. Any advice?

If he's more terrified of being sent away and that would be a possibility here, the surely at his age you'd have to take his opinion into account.

I only say that with the knowledge that little to nothing would be done if you did report it.

I understand your concern about it not being handled well. But what do you propose as an alternative? You never tell anyone, so as not to break his trust? And so the tutoring continues.

How will that stop him getting hit!?

This is really tricky OP. I know someone who works in a children's home who has raised two girls brought in by SS because of a father who was overly strict by our standards (culture is relevant here. Some cultures still hit children, just as we were hit in 1970s.) They were frightened of their father but were also high achieving children academically. By the time they left the care system they had been raised in a very lax way (care home staff not allowed to restrain them if they choose to go out at night etc) and had lost interest in school work. Swapped one evil for another. Not sure which would have helped them have a better life, long term.
Obviously I'm not suggesting they should have stayed with a father who beat them but the alternative is hardly an obviously better solution.

Maybe I talk to the parents?

Or to his uncle who is less traditional in his parenting?

Maybe just continue to be his confidante. Tell him if it ever troubles him, he can talk to you about it. If he ever wants you to talk with them or any other adult about it, you will. Tell him you don't think it is right.

At DC's school there was a Chinese boy whose parents were overly strict. The school called them in an lectured them that bright children thrive better in a culture of calm kindness and told them the stress of the beatings would lower not raise his grades. Things improved after that according to DC. You could have a word with them to that effect.

I'm struggling with this one OP. Presumably you've undergone safeguarding training, so you know that you not only have a duty of care, but a legal obligation to report. I understand your reticence, it's an incredibly difficult position to be in. But you have no choice here. Please safeguard this child.

Report it please.

Hmm it’s a very tricky situation. It isn’t black and white actually and culture is very important in this context.

Let’s say you inform the school/social services.

The likely scenarios are:

1. SS talk him and his family and give them advice about physical punishment as I doubt he’d meet the threshold for a court order to be removed. His parents flip out and he never speaks of it again or gets sent back to China.
2. He is removed from his parents and gets placed into foster care. Likely to be a white British foster family too. He is now in the care system, away from his family, friends and culture. Psychological damage and trauma will be caused to both him and his family. He may even be ostracised by the Chinese community. The care system is also not particularly caring either.

But 1 is the likely scenario contrary to mumsnet belief the threshold to remove children is incredibly high due to the outcomes I stated in option 2. Removal of children is the last resort because being in the care system does not have great outcomes for children.

@BuryingAcorns that is awful advice.

You can only be his confidante until he says something that puts himself or someone else in danger.

The child has already said he is being hit, I can't imagine what he's going through that he hasn't said aloud.

Surely as a tutor you have a responsibility to report this and you should have a safeguarding protocol to follow. Unless you work for the school, you should not report this to the school you should go directly to social services. If you're not prepared to report this properly then you have no right working with children in any capacity.

Have you done safeguarding training?
If you have any ounce of professionalism you HAVE TO ESCALATE this.

School can talk to him, school can keep an eye on him, you do not keep children's secrets.
Jeez

The instructions are clear and uniquivocal here:

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/reporting-abuse/what-to-do-child-reveals-abuse/

How to report child abuse
If a child reveals abuse to you, it's important to take it seriously, listen and report.

And it's vital you take the next steps to help keep them safe.

You can contact us online 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Our telephone lines are open Monday to Friday 8am – 10pm and 9am – 6pm at the weekends.

Call 0808 800 5000

Report online

Email [email protected]

It's normal to feel anxious, nervous or unsure about getting in touch with us. We're here to help and take that worry from you. Letting us know you're worried about a child could be the first step to helping protect them from a lifetime of abuse and neglect.

If a child is in immediate danger, call the police on 999 straight away.

What to say to a child and how to respond
Listen carefully to what they're saying
Be patient and focus on what you’re being told. Try not to express your own views and feelings. If you appear shocked or as if you don’t believe them it could make them stop talking and take back what they’ve said.

Give them the tools to talk
If they're struggling to talk to you, show them Childline's letter builder tool. It uses simple prompts to help them share what's happening and how they're feeling.

Let them know they've done the right thing by telling you
Reassurance can make a big impact. If they’ve kept the abuse a secret it can have a big impact knowing they’ve shared what’s happened.

Tell them it's not their fault
Abuse is never a child’s fault. It’s important they hear, and know, this.

Say you'll take them seriously
They may have kept the abuse secret because they were scared they wouldn’t be believed. Make sure they know they can trust you and you’ll listen and support them.

Don't confront the alleged abuser
Confronting the alleged abuser could make the situation worse for the child.

Explain what you'll do next
For younger children, explain you’re going to speak to someone who will able to help. For older children, explain you’ll need to report the abuse to someone who can help.

Report what the child has told you as soon as possible
Report as soon after you’ve been told about the abuse so the details are fresh in your mind and action can be taken quickly. It can be helpful to take notes as soon after you’ve spoken to the child. Try to keep these as accurate as possible.

I don't understand why it's awful advice. OP has already said he'll deny it if she tells the school, and it might get him into further trouble. Reassuring him that if he feels he needs to come to her if things become intolerable for him would be helpful, wouldn't it?

It's so easy to say, 'Oh call Social Services.' Honestly - being pulled from a family home where he feels loved but it is culturally the norm to get hit occasionally and being put into the care system could be way more traumatic, and possibly more open to serious violence and abuse. That may not be a fashionable reply, and I am certainly not saying it's OK for him to be hit. Not ever. But I think it would be even less Ok for him to be ferried around children's homes and foster care, missing his family, his routine, his friends, and possibly coming into contact with some very dangerous and damaged children and teens.

The instructions are clear and unequivocal here:

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/reporting-abuse/what-to-do-child-reveals-abuse/

How to report child abuse
If a child reveals abuse to you, it's important to take it seriously, listen and report.

And it's vital you take the next steps to help keep them safe.

You can contact us online 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Our telephone lines are open Monday to Friday 8am – 10pm and 9am – 6pm at the weekends.

Call 0808 800 5000

Report online

Email [email protected]

It's normal to feel anxious, nervous or unsure about getting in touch with us. We're here to help and take that worry from you. Letting us know you're worried about a child could be the first step to helping protect them from a lifetime of abuse and neglect.

If a child is in immediate danger, call the police on 999 straight away.

What to say to a child and how to respond
Listen carefully to what they're saying
Be patient and focus on what you’re being told. Try not to express your own views and feelings. If you appear shocked or as if you don’t believe them it could make them stop talking and take back what they’ve said.

Give them the tools to talk
If they're struggling to talk to you, show them Childline's letter builder tool. It uses simple prompts to help them share what's happening and how they're feeling.

Let them know they've done the right thing by telling you
Reassurance can make a big impact. If they’ve kept the abuse a secret it can have a big impact knowing they’ve shared what’s happened.

Tell them it's not their fault
Abuse is never a child’s fault. It’s important they hear, and know, this.

Say you'll take them seriously
They may have kept the abuse secret because they were scared they wouldn’t be believed. Make sure they know they can trust you and you’ll listen and support them.

Don't confront the alleged abuser
Confronting the alleged abuser could make the situation worse for the child.

Explain what you'll do next
For younger children, explain you’re going to speak to someone who will able to help. For older children, explain you’ll need to report the abuse to someone who can help.

Report what the child has told you as soon as possible
Report as soon after you’ve been told about the abuse so the details are fresh in your mind and action can be taken quickly. It can be helpful to take notes as soon after you’ve spoken to the child. Try to keep these as accurate as possible.

@BuryingAcorns no one is saying SS are going to take the child away at all. There aren't enough foster carers to go around unless the child is in immediate danger. Even then, SS try to put children in with family if they have to pull them out of home.

I'm a teacher, I've had plenty of safeguarding training and as already mentioned it's the LAW to report any safeguarding concerns where a child has been harmed or is at risk of it.

Even if OP isn't a teacher, she still needs to report this to the school and then they can decide what further action needs to happen.

She can be his confidante, but needs to make the child aware that she can't keep things confidential if he makes a disclosure.

The easiest thing to do is to report it but I don't know if that is the best thing to do.

Going via his school means that he stays in a better situation of still having someone that he trusts to talk with, at least and maybe I can talk with the parents too.

The instructions are clear and unequivocal here:

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/reporting-abuse/what-to-do-child-reveals-abuse/

How to report child abuse
If a child reveals abuse to you, it's important to take it seriously, listen and report.

And it's vital you take the next steps to help keep them safe.

You can contact us online 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Our telephone lines are open Monday to Friday 8am – 10pm and 9am – 6pm at the weekends.

Call 0808 800 5000

Report online

Email [email protected]

It's normal to feel anxious, nervous or unsure about getting in touch with us. We're here to help and take that worry from you. Letting us know you're worried about a child could be the first step to helping protect them from a lifetime of abuse and neglect.

If a child is in immediate danger, call the police on 999 straight away.

What to say to a child and how to respond
Listen carefully to what they're saying
Be patient and focus on what you’re being told. Try not to express your own views and feelings. If you appear shocked or as if you don’t believe them it could make them stop talking and take back what they’ve said.

Give them the tools to talk
If they're struggling to talk to you, show them Childline's letter builder tool. It uses simple prompts to help them share what's happening and how they're feeling.

Let them know they've done the right thing by telling you
Reassurance can make a big impact. If they’ve kept the abuse a secret it can have a big impact knowing they’ve shared what’s happened.

Tell them it's not their fault
Abuse is never a child’s fault. It’s important they hear, and know, this.

Say you'll take them seriously
They may have kept the abuse secret because they were scared they wouldn’t be believed. Make sure they know they can trust you and you’ll listen and support them.

Don't confront the alleged abuser
Confronting the alleged abuser could make the situation worse for the child.

Explain what you'll do next
For younger children, explain you’re going to speak to someone who will able to help. For older children, explain you’ll need to report the abuse to someone who can help.

Report what the child has told you as soon as possible
Report as soon after you’ve been told about the abuse so the details are fresh in your mind and action can be taken quickly. It can be helpful to take notes as soon after you’ve spoken to the child. Try to keep these as accurate as possible.

Does anyone else think this sounds like somebody working out the plot of their book? Seems to have very detailed knowledge of all kinds of conversations this child has had with his friends and parents, for somebody who just tutors him for an hour a week.

OP are you managing to get any actual teaching done, or is the whole hour spent talking about his parents sending him back to China?

@McCoysCheese Please read the post above and here. The correct answer has been given to your query.

The instructions are clear and unequivocal here:

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/reporting-abuse/what-to-do-child-reveals-abuse/

How to report child abuse
If a child reveals abuse to you, it's important to take it seriously, listen and report.

And it's vital you take the next steps to help keep them safe.

You can contact us online 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Our telephone lines are open Monday to Friday 8am – 10pm and 9am – 6pm at the weekends.

Call 0808 800 5000

Report online

Email [email protected]

It's normal to feel anxious, nervous or unsure about getting in touch with us. We're here to help and take that worry from you. Letting us know you're worried about a child could be the first step to helping protect them from a lifetime of abuse and neglect.

If a child is in immediate danger, call the police on 999 straight away.

What to say to a child and how to respond
Listen carefully to what they're saying
Be patient and focus on what you’re being told. Try not to express your own views and feelings. If you appear shocked or as if you don’t believe them it could make them stop talking and take back what they’ve said.

Give them the tools to talk
If they're struggling to talk to you, show them Childline's letter builder tool. It uses simple prompts to help them share what's happening and how they're feeling.

Let them know they've done the right thing by telling you
Reassurance can make a big impact. If they’ve kept the abuse a secret it can have a big impact knowing they’ve shared what’s happened.

Tell them it's not their fault
Abuse is never a child’s fault. It’s important they hear, and know, this.

Say you'll take them seriously
They may have kept the abuse secret because they were scared they wouldn’t be believed. Make sure they know they can trust you and you’ll listen and support them.

Don't confront the alleged abuser
Confronting the alleged abuser could make the situation worse for the child.

Explain what you'll do next
For younger children, explain you’re going to speak to someone who will able to help. For older children, explain you’ll need to report the abuse to someone who can help.

Report what the child has told you as soon as possible
Report as soon after you’ve been told about the abuse so the details are fresh in your mind and action can be taken quickly. It can be helpful to take notes as soon after you’ve spoken to the child. Try to keep these as accurate as possible.

Yes don't worry, we fit in a lot of quadratic equations around the talking.

This is worrying, the whole reason safeguarding has been implemented is because a child would be abused and something terrible would happen, then at the inquest they would hear evidence from the GP, the tutor, the school teacher, etc, and each one would have a small concern which together made a very obvious issue.
Therefore the children were being failed because no one had the full picture.
However here you are second guessing what everyone else knows and convincing yourself that you should keep the disclosure to yourself.
That is not the case, what you disclose will go on file and be correlated with any other reports to make a decision on what, if anything to do.
Just imagine yourself at one of the inquests, by then it will be too late to learn about safeguarding!
Follow your safeguarding policy and report to the local authority.

unwatching thread - correct advice given from NSPCC website above

Does this thread remind anyone of the other thread where the mum was asking for advice on whether to take DC back to A&E?

I think it must help him to be heard.
He was adamant that he didn't want to talk with the school counsellor.

Any safeguarding training is that you must pass it on, and also never ever promise that you won't tell anyone. You should always tell the person disclosing to you that you need to talk to their head teacher or safeguarding lead. They may have told you hoping you would escalate it.
You need to say that you have been thinking about what they said and that you need to tell someone else about it.
If it goes via school it will be done properly and they may have their own concerns and it might not get traced back to you so you can keep working with them