Tiger parenting

[McCoysCheese]

I see a kid each week for tutoring. Chinese family, kid is Y8.

He's told me his parents love him and only hit him if he has been very bad. I've asked him to talk to his school counsellor but he said no, he's ok. I told him it's not allowed in this country for parents to hit kids. And that he can call Childline or NSPCC. But he doesn't want his parents to get in trouble.

If I report then I will never see him again and the situation doesn't change. Any advice?

I’m actually shocked at this OP and just how many responses are supporting their reluctance to report.

This is exactly the reason why private tutoring requires proper registration and regulation; because otherwise you get unqualified numpties without even the most BASIC understanding of safeguarding left alone with vulnerable children.

You obviously need to report a disclosure. It’s nothing to do with whether you think it will make no difference or make it worse. You have to report it.

I suppose I'm asking for advice that looks at the big picture rather than the small one.

Some of you get it, the cultural influence IS relevant and school safeguarding IS likely to make things worse not better.

He didn't ask me to keep it secret but he also vehemently said no to my suggestion that he talk to the school counsellor.

@johnd2 summarised the “big picture” perfectly.

You have a “small picture”. Safeguarding laws exist so this gets put together by someone infinitely more qualified than you to form the “big picture”. You don’t get to decide based on your personal opinions on cultural stereotypes.

Smacking is still legal in England. And it’s perfectly normal in Chinese families if the parents aren’t happy with kids’ grades. There’s an awful lot of talk of abuse here but both the parents and the children think of it as justified chastisement. The litmus test here would be does he resent his parents or live on fear of their behaviour towards him? It seems not. I suspect if you are making an issue of this as “abuse” and have told him so, then he bitterly regrets opening his mouth. Not because he is afraid of his parents, but because he is afraid of the damage to his family that informing others will do. Speaking as one who lived in Taiwan for over 20 years, married a Taiwanese and has a pretty good grasp of ethic Chinese family dynamics, if there’s one thing guaranteed to destroy this kid’s happiness it would be bringing “outsiders” in to adjudicate on how his parents treat him. His parents would regard this as unforgivable and he would actually probably find it very hard to forgive himself. Chinese families remind one of the Godfather: family members don’t go against them. In short, if you care about the child and he seems happy enough, keep quiet, or you will cause a world of pain and grief far more than his mother whacking his hands with a ruler when he gets a C on a test.

100%.

One of those threads which I really hope is a troll, because surely nobody actually working with children could be so neglectful of their responsibilities.

His ethnicity is not irrelevant. I say this as someone with a Chinese SiL (not in the U.K.) who was extremely strict with her now teen/early 20s and smacked - hard - a lot. It was seen as pretty normal in that culture.

In more recent years we have seen a lot of the dcs since they have been at 6th form/uni in the U.K. - they are delightful young people and not remotely ‘damaged’ as far as I can tell. This is just a statement of fact, I am not in any way condoning their DM’s parenting.

I would guess that the boy would be horrified if SS were informed, and would very likely be in serious shit with his parents for what they will see as complaining about them. Yes, I know this is very far from the desired outcome, but I’m being realistic here. I would guess that the likely outcome would be that the child would certainly not confide in such a way to another adult again.

YOU DON'T HAVE THE BIG PICTURE!

You have snippets of the whole picture, based on what a brown beaten child is telling you. He may be scared of the next steps but that doesn't mean that deep down he doesn't want or need help.

Please let go of the idea that you know better than the experts and should second guess the legal responsibilities you have.

And stop throwing racist stereotypes around to back yourself.

I meant *brow beaten of course! Unfortunate typo there.

Have you not completed even a basic safeguarding training ? This is safeguarding 101. Im a children’s social worker and without doubt you need to report this fully to your local
authority Childress services immediately.

@McCoysCheese please do some safeguarding training.
You may be correct that reporting will lead nowhere/ make it worse etc... but we have regulations for a reason and it is your duty to report.

@McCoysCheese Surely you have a safeguarding duty of care towards this child? Also, as a teacher, are you not a mandatory reporter?

It doesn’t matter what culture this child is from, hitting children is appalling but I don’t think it’s actually illegal, as there was another thread a couple of weeks ago and there was a lady on that one, saying that she physically chastises her children and it’s allowed in the UK? Which I was very surprised at!

Also, you can report this anonymously. My daughter used to tell me about how glad she was that I didn’t hit her as her friends would be whacked with wooden spoons and the like and in the end I told her that as I was a mandatory reporter, I was supposed to report these things and it didn’t matter that I was at home and not work. She stopped telling me about these things after I said that but because I understand the mindset, I didn't report the things she told me and her friends weren’t being beaten black and blue but rather hit once and they all accepted it as normal. Plus I see them a lot and none of them are unhappy at home from what they tell me about their home lives.

In my country you have to take 6 subjects in the last 2 years of school, similar to A levels but 6. All the children from Asian (and African) backgrounds, whether China or the subcontinent all take the suicide six! So-called because these 6 subjects are the most rigorous in terms of study and exams. They are Physics, Advanced Maths, Chemistry, Biology, English and another Mathematics course. It’s having to complete the assessments, and there’s a lot of them, and getting the grades as your final grade is made up of all your grades throughout the 2 years. So constant pressure - a bit like being at university as your grade is calculated as a GPA type thing. At the same time, all children take these subjects, they are also expected to maintain jobs. So it’s not easy, but then you are told from a very young age, what the expectations are so once you reach those final years, it’s not surprise. If those same kids lived in the UK, they would be expected to take 4 A levels but at least A level grades are individual.

Just to add, I never put this pressure on my kids, I just expected them to do their best!

Do you know what he means by being hit? It could be a smack on the legs or a significant beating. A smack although I don’t condone any abuse, in the context of his culture might not be a red flag. Many of us were brought up with a smack for being naughty and are perfectly normal well adjusted adults, however, I am relieved that it is no longer acceptable. What I would worry about is social,services getting involved being heavy handed and turning this little boys world upside down for what might be a fairly light form of discipline.

OP could you find out a bit more…any bruises or marks showing significant heavy discipline?

They aren't 'strict' parents,they are abusive parents. Please do your job and report them.

This isn't tiger parenting or a cultural thing, it's potential child abuse. A child has made a disclosure to a trusted adult, that they are being hit at home.

It's not your job to investigate or to make a judgement on what's happening and whether the child is or isn't safe at home. It's your job to report the disclosure to the appropriate services in your area.

You have a legal obligation to report this OP and you should do so to your local multi agency safeguarding hub. You should have their details because you work with children and should have had some safeguarding training/awareness. These cases are never easy but you cannot sit on this. Of course there is context, and you will share that when you make the phone call, but that doesn’t negate the need to escalate it. There may be concerns that children’s services are already aware of and your information could add to that.

If you aren’t prepared to follow the Keeping Children Safe in Education guidance, then I would suggest not tutoring children and young people.

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/1101454/Keeping_children_safe_in_education_2022.pdf

One thing I have discovered in my years of teaching, is that a large number of parents hit their children. You need to speak to the safeguarding lead at his school. Tell your tutee that you have done so. The school will take it from there. As you are a tutor, it is very clear what you should do and this is actually quite straightforward.

He says he's only hit when he's really bad - might only be a smack on the bum twice in his life.

Not condoning the hitting but this - you are all absolutely starkers if you think anything at all can or will be done about this. He will deny/parents will deny, and its unlikely the smacking or hitting is frequent or severe enough to be leaving any evidence whatsoever.

The threshold for intervention is high, this kid has got to 12 or 13 without school etc identifying issues with his home life. Smacking isn't illegal and the care system would be a thousand times worse for this child.

Op, mention it to his school.

Smacking is legal in this country so what the OP describes would classify as this to social services. The threshold for their involvement is very high.

Safeguarding training would tell you to speak out for him....contact school

I grew up with a second generation immigrant tiger parent and for the posters that say that it is cultural so therefore acceptable and it doesn’t do any harm because of academic achievement that’s bollocks.

I grew up feeling that maternal love was based on my achievements at school/uni/career, had a childhood where I missed out on normal holiday after school activities because I was either with a tutor or touring with my (identifying) second talent.

i think anyone would look at me and think I’m a high achiever and a success story, but inside I’m an anxious and people pleasing wreck, and can never enjoy success because I had a parent always with their eye on the next step.

I was smacked a lot, just because it’s CuLtuRal doesn’t make it right. A lot of people knew my home situation and said nothing, I wish they had, it may have given her fright enough to stop, or to be placed with my godmother or aunty.

ive had to do a lot of therapy to undo my upbringing before I started to try for children and I hope to bring up the child I’m now pregnant with a feeling of being cherished and loved irrespective of success without using smacking as a way to control with fear.

As a teacher I am shocked by this thread.
First rule of safeguarding - you cannot offer confidentiality. YOU are the adult. YOU decide what should be passed on. YOU should contact his school.

Also he CHOSE TO TELL YOU that he was being hit. That’s a cry for help. He might not know it or even be able to articulate it. But if he tells you he’s being hit sometimes then you can bet it’s more often than that.

His ethnicity is irrelevant.

Also his parents have threatened to send him
abroad to relatives. That’s emotional abuse.

REPORT REPORT REPORT.

otherwise you are a terrible tutor. Sorry but that’s the truth. He told you. He wants help.

I don't know why so many people are assuming the OP is a teacher or has any formal safeguarding training whatsoever. Do you not realise that there is no regulation in tutoring and any Tom, Dick or Harry can start a business and call themselves a tutor?

I can see why you have reservations op, you are not wanting to make things worse for the child, but as the adult in this situation you do need to report it. Hopefully it will be resolved but like you say sadly it might not be, as the threshold needs to be high. He's not going to be removed from his home for the odd smack which is legal in this country is he? Would it even be better if he was removed from his home? Probably not. I don't smack or condone smacking but I was smacked as a child and god I'm glad no-one reported it or I wasn't taken away from my home. My life would have been a million times worse in the care system. I have a good relationship with my parents and have had a successful life. That said, you don't know if this is the odd smack or more. I don't think it's black and white. I don't think it's for you to decide though, leave that to people who have professional training in safeguarding, they will deal with this situation sensitively and properly.

My friend is Chinese and said most Chinese parents are like this. She remembers being beaten for bad marks at school or playing her violin badly.

Having said that, it's still horrendous and you have to look at it from your professional viewpoint. You have a duty of care toward the child so you could report it and hope this might save the child in the future.

He told you that he's being abused at home. If he didn't want anyone to know, he wouldn't have opened up to you.

Him telling you, a (supposed) trusted adult, he wants you to do something, he wants your help, and you are dithering about a safeguarding issue. Beyond belief!

I was physically and emotionally abused as a child. I often went to school with bruises on my body and face. No one did anything. I was surrounded by people like you. People who could have put the wheels in motion to make me safe but chose not to. My situation was decades ago, the safeguarding was not there then, so I forgive their ignorance. You have no such defence.

You have been provided with the relevant information on what action is required yet you don't want to pursue the right option; therefore, I wonder why you started this thread when you have no intention of doing the right thing to ensure the safety of the child.

I suppose I'm asking for advice that looks at the big picture rather than the small one.

Some of you get it, the cultural influence IS relevant and school safeguarding IS likely to make things worse not better.

He didn't ask me to keep it secret but he also vehemently said no to my suggestion that he talk to the school counsellor.
He might not want to talk to the school counsellor, but he chose to speak to you, presumably because he sees you as a safe adult.

Part of being a safe adult is having an ounce of professionalism and following safeguarding.

It isn't your job to weigh up what you think might or might not happen with other professionals.
It's not your job to decide that a child's cultural background makes a difference on whether you report a child being harmed.
It is not your job to investigate, speak to the parents or the uncle.
It isn't your job to keep quiet whilst a child is being harmed.

It sounds like this is either a wind up thread, or you're putting yourself on a pedestal and happy to ignore basic safeguarding training in favour of being the cool teacher who is in the know