AIBU calling DH atrocious for not wanting to 'cook' anything more than frozen oven food.

[BeingHappy]

I'm 20 weeks pregnant, feeling nauseous throughout the day and the smells of raw meat/the fridge/cooking smells eg onions frying, veg being steamed really sets me off.

Anyway an argument with DH really spiralled tonight. I asked him to help me out after he gets home from work (he is usually home by 6.30pm, not a.stressful job) he said yes he would and what would I like help with. I was in the wrong when I replied with 'use your initiative' to which he said that was rude.. which made me cry and I sort of spiralled. Anyway, eventually said I needed him to step up and do the cooking but it needs to be something more than frozen fish and chips. And he said that's all he knows how to cook, he doesn't know how to cook anything else. And I called him atrocious.. he said he would never say anything like that to me. AIBU for calling him atrocious?

By the way, his cooking is generally awful and the most he's ever usually managed to 'cook' is sticking frozen stuff in the oven.

How does someone get to adulthood unable to cook at all?

We had this conversation once upon time and it'a because:

• MIL cooked until DH went to university.
• DH lived in catered halls at university.
• DH had a job working ~12hour days for 15 years where there was a canteen at work and work paid for dinners for the late nights. The weekends which he wasn't working he did oven food.
• DH was generally too knackered/burnt out from work to do anything like cooking in his free time.

When DH and I first met, I found it hard to believe how little free time he had, but it's true. I've spent most of my adult in an OK job with amazing work-life balance and DH has pretty much made work his entire adult life. Up until the last 4/5years where he left his old job and now has far better hours (thank goodness!)

Thanks @CheeseIsMyPatronus and @ChillysWaterBottle , I appreciate it.

Could you buy him cookery lessons for Christmas perhaps?

I might do... We once did an online cooking evening during the lockdown which he enjoyed :)

This 👆

Atrocious is probably a bit extreme but not being able to cook is absolutely pathetic and shouldn't be tolerated

Atrocious is probably a bit extreme but not being able to cook is absolutely pathetic and shouldn't be tolerated

Does that go for women who can't cook as well? I'm glad DH doesn't share your views if it does!

I would think it odd that someone couldn’t rustle up a basic version of spag Bol or a stew type meal.

Speaking as someone whose mother doesn't cook, yes it goes for women as well.

Oh well, never mind. As far as I'm concerned life's too short to mess around in the kitchen and that's what Cook ready meals were designed for.

For those who can’t cook I assume you are not teaching your DC how to cook either

I don't have any so that's not a problem for me!

He should be able to cook something a bit more nutritious than frozen food.

You're pregnant, he should be trying to find something you can fancy that would nourish you and the baby.

I'm not a great cook: I get really stressed by trying to juggle more than 2 things at once. I thought Hello Fresh etc would help, but actually it really didn't for me. I can, however, make pasta and sauce, soup, and other one pot things. DP helped me make a list of thing I can make when he's home later, which I found really helpful.

OP, see if you can work out with your DH what it is that he finds hard about it, and that might help you play to his strengths. Does he need exactly the right ingredients for a recipe? Does he need it to be one thing? Does he need it to be in the oven on a timer? You can make lots of lovely things by prepping it and then just sticking it in the oven if you know what those things are.

Hi OP. I feel that you are getting a bit of a hard time here. Asa 39 year old man, he should be able to cook a little bit. And he should be able to use his initiative to do his bit around the house.

But in the moment, he came in from work and you launched into him. Rome wasn't built in a day, and starting simple and building up his confidence in cooking will benefit you all. Long term, you, him and the baby need a man that can turn his hand to cooking. But you knew that he couldn't cook before this argument so launching in to him was unfair.

Long term, be specific about what you need around the house and he'll pick it up and show initiative more and more. Like some posters have said, you shouldn't have to, but you are where you are and no one is perfect. All in all he sounds like a good man, he just needs gently prodding in the right direction.

Of course it does. Adults should be able to feed themselves, regardless of their sex

The OP's husband can feed himself, just not in a way that seems to be acceptable to some posters on this thread.

He can feed himself, it's just it doesn't live up to MN's expectations.

Of course I can feed myself! I just can't be arsed to spend any longer in the kitchen than necessary so want something I can take out of the freezer and bung in the oven. Life's too short to spend extra time preparing food!

“put up a 'is this raw, cooked or fucked' colour chart...”

🤣🤣🤣

Do you have Hello Fresh in UK? Or whatever is the equivalent weekly delivery of ingredients and instructions in a box? I found that these made a huge difference to my husband who also "couldn't cook". They tided us over during a crazy busy time when I literally didn't have time to cook in the evenings but still wanted fresh, healthy hot meals - but the main bonus is that he now has some basic skills and can use his initiative and roast some veg / make a sauce / see what's in the fridge and put a meal together.

I feel really sad thinking about your poor 7yo Dh cooking fried chicken on his own, not to mention that’s so dangerous!!
we have a shared Pinterest board- Dh doesn’t use Pinterest, so it’s just that board for him, called food cooked. So whenever we make a recipe we’ve found online and like it, we pin it to that board. Initially he needed a bit of reminding. You could also do a shared food one where you save really simple stuff that might be nice to try or is suitable for baby. Lots of great blogs for baby food- healthy little foodies, babyfoode etc!

Ah sure look, both of you 'at fault' here. Him for not trying til now, you for standing over him (critiquing his probably less than amazing attempts at actual cooking). We're all brought up differently, might need nudges in the right direction for some things. On the cooking front, someone has to be allowed to make mistakes, even when following a recipe. He needs to step up and you need to let him (and possibly have the number of a local takeaway to hand if it goes tits up). IMO home economics should be compulsory in schools, it's such a neccessary life skill to be able to cook.

Maybe atrocious was a bit strong, but for Gods sake he’s a grown man who could never be bothered to learn to cook because he knew a woman would do it for him. You’re not out of order, he is.