AIBU calling DH atrocious for not wanting to 'cook' anything more than frozen oven food.

[BeingHappy]

I'm 20 weeks pregnant, feeling nauseous throughout the day and the smells of raw meat/the fridge/cooking smells eg onions frying, veg being steamed really sets me off.

Anyway an argument with DH really spiralled tonight. I asked him to help me out after he gets home from work (he is usually home by 6.30pm, not a.stressful job) he said yes he would and what would I like help with. I was in the wrong when I replied with 'use your initiative' to which he said that was rude.. which made me cry and I sort of spiralled. Anyway, eventually said I needed him to step up and do the cooking but it needs to be something more than frozen fish and chips. And he said that's all he knows how to cook, he doesn't know how to cook anything else. And I called him atrocious.. he said he would never say anything like that to me. AIBU for calling him atrocious?

By the way, his cooking is generally awful and the most he's ever usually managed to 'cook' is sticking frozen stuff in the oven.

I think atrocious is a bit OTT, but you can blame hormones for that one. Though I might have said "pathetic", to be fair. He absolutely should be taking the initiative to read a recipe and make it, it's not hard. You aren't asking him to be a cordon bleu chef.

I would really recommend the Good Food website, lots of free recipes, rated by users and loads of really easy ones- you can choose options such as less than half an hour, put in what ingredients you have in the fridge, fewer than five ingredients, healthy family meals etc. I started off using their 101...books before the website became available and it really helped to increase my confidence and repertoire as a home cook. For a while I got the magazine as well and have still got a big folder of their recipes.

And you've clearly not bothered to read even all the OP's posts, let alone the full thread... so...

@BeingHappy that all sounds v rational! I have been guilty of shouting at OH to use his own initiative and I've never had pregnancy hormones contributing (other hormones, aye, and quite a degree of chronic and acute pain..)... it's not desirable, but sometimes it is understandable.

I hope you and your DH can move forward, it does sound like theres a bit more behind his lack of cooking skill/desire than just can't-be-arsed-itis, whether its a ND issue or a traumatic past issue, I dunno, thats for him to explore really.

How does my point not stand exactly?

If this was a man posting, he’d have had his arse handed to him on the plate and been called all sorts.

I’m a woman and I have got away with not being a very good cook!

There's quite a large difference between being 'not a very good cook' and 'not able to cook a single thing'. I am no seamstress, I would really struggle to make myself a wearable dress, but I don't go around claiming this means I also could not possibly learn how to sew a button back on.

If you're single and childless then do whatever you want, but last I checked, children need to be fed all the bloody time, occasionally also with something healthy and nutritious, and is it really fair for one parent to fully opt out of that?

Wow, you were a right bitch. I suggest you apologise profusely and hope he forgives you.

Personally I'd have used the word pathetic - you didn't deal with it in the best way but I totally get it.

There is absolutely no reason why anyone can't put together basic dinners these days. There are very simple cookbooks/YouTube videos etc. Every supermarket has jars and packets of sauces etc. Yeah he needs to step up and I'm glad to hear he intends to. It's sheer laziness to say 'i can't cook '

I think a lot of people on this thread really, really lack empathy. They simply can't grasp that others might find difficult something they find easy. I also had to teach myself to cook and it didn't come naturally, and I hate doing it now, it's so so boring. I am also bad at languages and accents. I am excellent at drawing and dancing. Other people are not naturally good at these and would need more practise and instruction. I don't know why people are failing to understand cooking is a skill. And a boring, time consuming, soul numbing one at that. My partner does most of the cooking and if he ever called me the names people are using on here he'd be out the door. I also think poor OP is getting a kicking for what I suspect is frustration borne of being pregnant and ill and wanting to do the best for the baby.

Bit much

Not exactly comparable, is it?

Millions of people survive just fine on ready meals, frozen food and things like beans on toast or sandwiches. Cooking from scratch isn't a necessity for survival.

If it's that important, it's an issue that should be dealt with pre-kids or before living together, not something you hope will change mid-pregnancy on a whim.

Im sur its already been mentioned but you just need to get Gousto. All measured out, all ingredients present and step by step instructions. Then when he gets home insist he does it and you can do other jobs like cleaning or taking the bins out - his 'job' can be cooking. You can choose the recipes yourself so you know what wont upset your hormonal self and all he has to do it cook it.

If you're being affected by cooking smells, then it is simply not practical to expect him to learn to cook while you are pregnant! Ask him to do his share in other ways, and use ready meals or takeaways when you can't face cooking yourself.

Longer-term, of course he should learn to cook. It's a fundamental life skill, which he needs to master in order to feed himself, his partner and his children.

However. It's very unreasonable of you to be derogatory about his lack of culinary skill in the meantime. You knew this about him. You've always known this about him. So why on earth did you choose to marry and have a child with someone who lacks a skill which is obviously important to you? That is on you. Atrocious decision-making, you might say.

For anyone who missed OP's incredibly humble response, you can stop with the insults now.

Millions of people survive just fine on ready meals, frozen food and things like beans on toast or sandwiches. Cooking from scratch isn't a necessity for survival

And 66% of adults are overweight or obese, people are getting type two diabetes in their 30s and 40s and other serious obesity related illness relatively young. The five a day campaign came in as most people don't even eat two types of veg a day. They might be surviving but surely as a society and one of the wealthiest countries in the world we can aim higher than that.

I think you're being a bit harsh on "freezer food" tbh.

We often have frozen fish and a smallish portion of ("low fat" - the Asda ones normally) chips with some peas and salad. Not fancy, but not nutritionally a terrible meal - and he could manage heating up peas in the microwave, presumably?

It sounds like he is a bit useless but you also seem to have very high expectations. I find some of Jamie's 30 minute meals complicated tbh, and they NEVER take 30 minutes. He is right that they are quite complex if you are not accustomed to cooking basic family food, which he clearly isn't.

Could he try something like HelloFresh or Gousto?

OP has had her arse handed to her and been called all sorts, though…?

As in she’d be told to LTB, he’s abusive and it will only get worse. I don’t think a man posting would have had a single supportive comment and there are also a lot of supportive ones which justify her reaction.

Eating freezer food and ready meals doesn't automatically mean you're eating unhealthily though - just as cooking from scratch doesn't mean you're eating healthy things 🤷🏻‍♀️

There's a big assumption in your post (and in many other replies) that freezer food means beige and unhealthy. There are loads of meals you can microwave or oven cook that are perfectly nutritious and well balanced.

sorry, but YABU to expect someone you know can't cook to suddenly step up and do Jamie's 30 minute meals.

FYI: my DH is a chef in a high end restaurant (stars and shit) and he takes a shade over 30 minutes for those meals.

OP I sympathise. You may have been rude but your point stands. I'm appalled by all the people claiming why should he cook if he can't, what gives OP the right to demand a non-frozen meal, etc.
Cooking a basic meal like pasta and sauce really is not a skill. You just need to TRY DOING IT.
Fine for a 40-year-old bachelor to eat frozen pizza and chips every day. Not fine for a dad to do that to his kids, and his pregnant/ new mum partner who is exhausted and in need of support.
Providing a basic cooked meal is an absolute basic of parenting, are all the PPs saying he should just let OP feed the family without him ever lifting a finger?
My DH can be a bit like this but these are some of the things he does and your husband can certainly do:
Fish fingers and peas (ok, frozen)
Fry sausages and mash potatoes (or just boil potatoes and add butter)
Boil pasta and stir with sauce, grated cheese
Sprinkle grated cheese on toast, warm baked beans
Make a burger (either ready made or shape from a pack of mince)

@Newlifestartingatlast of course the husband should be able to help at home and know what needs done. But presumably he was the same as he is now when the OP decided to marry him. I couldn’t have a relationship with a man who can’t take care of themselves or their home and personally I would have finished with him long before now. But the OP married him and is now half way through a pregnancy that sounds much worse than most of the others I have ever heard of, by some way. Also the OP said will you help me and he has simply said yeah sure what with and gets his head bitten off. If a man spoke to a woman like that rightly the behaviour would be classed as abusive. Sorry OP but your follow up posts do make you sound very entitled and like you look down on your husband.

I think it's good he wants to learn, this way you can share cooking when baby's here. Not many people eat complicated meals every day. Once he masters some simple recipes, I think it's fine.

So the consensus on this thread is pretty much that the OP is responsible for feeding a man/her child for every meal that doesn't come out of a packet for the next 40 years, then? And he can't possibly be expected to feed his own child at any time? Or learn off his own bat/think for himself because it's far too much for his tired brain to comprehend?

No, it isn't. Consensus is that most adults should be able to do the basics to keep themselves alive. But i know several younger people, fresh out of uni in their first job, who eat out for all meals: buy breakfast on the way to work, buy lunch, buy something on the way home for dinner. It's more common than you'd think especially for people who work long hours.

I actually think the Jamie Oliver 30 minute meals are good (if you ignore the 30 minute thing) and Mary Berry's how to cook, and such like (I'd stear clear of YouTube - as How To Cook That often shows, so many of them are dangerous fakes)

What you need are 3 or 4 basic dishes that you can cook, for which you can pretty much have the ingredients on hand either in the cupboard or freezer, and start on that. bearing in mind that Rome wasn't built in a day etc

I'm on your side. A grown man not being able to cook is so embarrassing.

There's a big assumption in your post (and in many other replies) that freezer food means beige and unhealthy. There are loads of meals you can microwave or oven cook that are perfectly nutritious and well balanced

A lot of them are ok once in a while but not to rely on for your full diet. You'd at least need to add a couple of portions of veg on the side for most things. And they all have preservatives and extra additives that are not necessary if cooked and eaten fresh. Yes, home cooked from scratch doesn't necessarily mean it's healthy and balanced, but one major thing to keep to a minimum in your diet is ultra-processed food, and most ready meals fall into that category, due to how they are made and the additives. And a lot of ultra-processed foods are actually sold as being healthy or diet foods too. They are really not good for you.

www.theguardian.com/science/2019/may/29/studies-link-too-much-heavily-processed-food-to-early-death

Again, you're making assumptions that frozen food = processed food. A lot of frozen food is just fresh food that's been frozen.

Frozen vegetables, frozen fish with some sauce, frozen plain chicken or mince or meatballs - no worse than the fresh version and in fact, studies have shown that frozen fruits and vegetables are often more nutritious than fresh as they're frozen at the ideal point, not left on trucks or trolleys to keep ripening.