AIBU calling DH atrocious for not wanting to 'cook' anything more than frozen oven food.

[BeingHappy]

I'm 20 weeks pregnant, feeling nauseous throughout the day and the smells of raw meat/the fridge/cooking smells eg onions frying, veg being steamed really sets me off.

Anyway an argument with DH really spiralled tonight. I asked him to help me out after he gets home from work (he is usually home by 6.30pm, not a.stressful job) he said yes he would and what would I like help with. I was in the wrong when I replied with 'use your initiative' to which he said that was rude.. which made me cry and I sort of spiralled. Anyway, eventually said I needed him to step up and do the cooking but it needs to be something more than frozen fish and chips. And he said that's all he knows how to cook, he doesn't know how to cook anything else. And I called him atrocious.. he said he would never say anything like that to me. AIBU for calling him atrocious?

By the way, his cooking is generally awful and the most he's ever usually managed to 'cook' is sticking frozen stuff in the oven.

Is it not to be expected then that a man becoming a father should make a bit of effort to learn a few things that would be useful for his family, like managing to cook something that isn't frozen fish and chips?

Well anyone is useful in different way.
Like some women cook, some men handle diy (i don't know why so many women are acared of it), some parents bring money to keep roof over their heads, some parents clean while the others cook, some parents drive, some don't but garden instead....

Lots of women don't cook in uk as well

Dh hates cooking. So we went with semi prepped fresh food like:
stir fry - pre cut veg, pre cut meat, fresh noodles and sauces - Easy as all cooks in one pan.
Sausages and pre prep mash with microwave veg.
Salad box with croutons and pre cooked chicken and bread.
He will make fajitas or tacos if I buy meal box so he can follow instructions.
Also sometimes was just ate something on toast or baked spuds

The difference is that cooking needs to be done every day.

Things like cleaning, DIY and gardening don't, so they're easier to outsource if nobody can or is willing to do it.

You could have a weekly cleaner, a fortnightly gardener and an odd job man you call for DIY stuff, and never need to do any of these things yourself.

But you need to eat every day, so unless you can afford a live in chef/housekeeper, someone has got to take responsibility for doing the food shopping and putting some sort of meal on the table every night.

My mother is a woman who doesn't cook. My dad has mostly had the sole burden of that over the years. When we were small children, the choice was eat chicken nuggets again for the fourth day in a row at 6pm, or wait until Daddy got home and had time to cook dinner. As soon as I was old enough to make sandwiches, my mother basically absolved herself of any responsibility for feeding us during the school holidays.

Over the years this has bred resentment. My dad no longer takes much pleasure in cooking, and now he is becoming increasingly frail, I worry about how they are going to feed themselves properly in the long term, because my mum has refused to develop even basic cooking skills over 40+ years of marriage and clearly isn't going to learn now.

It doesn't matter whether it's the man or the woman who refuses to cook. Whoever refuses is being selfish, and putting a completely unreasonable daily burden on the other person.

I'm sure he's more than capable of feeding himself and his family, it's just not the kind of food OP or MN approves of.

If he can cook frozen fish and chips, he can cook all sorts of frozen foods - pizza, pasta bakes, chicken/turkey meals, vegetables, meatballs etc. All you need to do for any of those things is put them on an oven tray or in the microwave and press a button.

I'm sure he's also more than capable of doing jacket potatoes, soup, sandwiches etc - plenty of families up and down the country live on food like that without any kind of problem. It's only really on here that I see such a huge focus on cooking from scratch. It's really not that important in the grand scheme of things, and it doesn't make you a better parent than someone who doesn't cook from scratch.

You were wrong in how you handled it, but he has been lazy so far if he can't cook anything, and seems to be playing the "incapable me" act in the kitchen.

I wouldn’t like to be spoken to like that, would you?

Is he interested/ willing to become a better cook? You could try something like hello fresh (even if it’s just whilst they are on offer). Maybe sit and draw up some simple meals he can make and also consider some good quality ready meals, pre prepped veg and some of the better quality oven baked fish etc.

I started reading this, and I’m thinking you are in a s—t mood, poor sod cant do right from wrong,

you say he’s a bad cook, then I got to this bit, so are the people he grew up with.

i remember the night very well, I was basically shitting myself, I cooked a massive shepherds pie, did extra chips and beans, and everyone took bread and butter to clean the plate, then I did apple crumble and custard or ice cream.

The shepherds pie, I learnt from the baby book.

My mother wasn’t a cook, she could make soup, bread and butter pudding, stewed apples, and the staple was egg, chips and beans.

I love the slo cooker, there is recipes to follow and most of the time it’s very tasty. Perhaps your other half will master a couple of dishes, and all his loved ones will “lick the plates clean” and tell him how great it was. I love curries and I cooked them for ages after, and I’m not bragging, but I cook a mean curry!!

Not all of us, come from cooking families, but with the right encouragement-cooking is fun, therapeutic and very rewarding.

I hope you help your other half find the magic xxx

I'm on your side.
If he can't cook then he should learn.
No one is born being able to whip up a roast

There’s a lot of pearl clutching about cooking ‘from scratch’ on here! Many of you would be appalled at the extensive range of jars of sauce in my cupboard

I was brought up in a family of terrible cooks. I taught myself to cook because I wanted to eat nicer food.

I'm 47 and my cooking skills stretch no further than bunging something in the oven. Thankfully DH likes cooking as it holds no interest for me whatsoever.

From this update you just know you’re going to be on here complaining about everything his family do “wrong” with the baby (I.e differently to your family)

@Cormoran but some people dob't want to learn and thats ok to , they are happy with basic meals etc , don't have time

Surely you know he can't cook and should of bought this up before , your being pregnant doesn't make him a cook
And telling him to sleep in the other room for a minor disagreement
Can you do all the things he can do like diy etc as often get people who moan dh can't cook to a decent standard but they can't hang wallpaper etc
I know women who cook very basic as well and if their dh told them to cook better mumsnet would tell them to ltb

She chose to have a child with a man who can't cook.

We see it time and time again on here, women choosing to have children with useless men and then seeming baffled when they don't magically change into the perfect husband overnight. Babies do not make men "step up." Quite the opposite in fact.

Why did you decide to have a baby with a man who can’t cook if you find it so ‘atrocious’? Why are you allowed to use such a strong word against him, yet when he, quite rightly, points out your rudeness you turn on the waterworks? Sounds like you were spoiling for a fight, but if you’re going to give it you are going to need to learn to take it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sadly yeah. Times and times years of enabling (tbf everyone enables some uselessness in the other, but there are some extremes on here) and then being all wide eyed about why everything is shit when they can't be the enablers anymore...
Faults on both sides. The useless and the enablers.

He didn’t offer to help.

OP asked him for help and as a grown adult he needed instructions.
she shouldn’t have to ask for help, she shouldn’t have to tell him what to do.

he’s neither a child nor an idiot.
he needs to step up and figure out how to cook and do domestic chores and he should be able to do that without her telling him.

Actually, if you read the thread, he asked for help because so many things make OP nauseous and he didn't want to get it wrong by cooking the wrong thing.

I think I've addressed most people's posts here already in my previous posts but this one was a bit random. I actually really like my DH's family and we get on well, they're pretty chilled out and fun to hang out with. Just because I don't enjoy their cooking doesn't mean I don't get on with them. I don't know how you got to that conclusion.

Haven't rtft so I might have missed something but he is unreasonable for being a grown adult who can't cook basic stuff. I also think you're unreasonable because you already knew that but I've been pregnant and I get it. At least you don't seem to hate each other and he didn't lose his temper like in some threads I've read recently. Again, I might have missed something.

Also for those saying I married someone useless.. DH is not useless. And I think it's perfectly reasonable for both partners to improve on themselves as life goes on. In preparation for having a baby, I passed my driving test a few months ago. DH encouraged me even though I'm terrified of driving. I wasn't initially happy about it because it was a bit of a fear of mine but ultimately, it's a life skill and will come in valuable especially now with DC on the way.

@BeingHappy , you've responded with grace and good humour to this. I think you're going to be great and I hope the trials of your pregnancy ease.

I agree. Well done learning to drive as well OP