AIBU calling DH atrocious for not wanting to 'cook' anything more than frozen oven food.

[BeingHappy]

I'm 20 weeks pregnant, feeling nauseous throughout the day and the smells of raw meat/the fridge/cooking smells eg onions frying, veg being steamed really sets me off.

Anyway an argument with DH really spiralled tonight. I asked him to help me out after he gets home from work (he is usually home by 6.30pm, not a.stressful job) he said yes he would and what would I like help with. I was in the wrong when I replied with 'use your initiative' to which he said that was rude.. which made me cry and I sort of spiralled. Anyway, eventually said I needed him to step up and do the cooking but it needs to be something more than frozen fish and chips. And he said that's all he knows how to cook, he doesn't know how to cook anything else. And I called him atrocious.. he said he would never say anything like that to me. AIBU for calling him atrocious?

By the way, his cooking is generally awful and the most he's ever usually managed to 'cook' is sticking frozen stuff in the oven.

Hey folks, thank you all for your responses.

Firstly, I know the way I spoke was rude. I won't be using hormones as an excuse again.

I am happy doing most of the cooking but this is the first time I've really needed him to help in the kitchen and I think in times of sickness (literally) the person should be able to step up. I am very happy for each of us to play to our strengths and I don't envisage our cooking will ever be 50:50.

Pregnancy IS really grim for whoever said it's not an illness/I'm not the only one going through it. I am not saying it's an illness but I've been told to WFH because my symptoms are so bad. I was snappy and rude but honestly DH's life is a walk in the park compared to mine right now and he somehow seems to think meals will appear on the table without any thought.

It has been frustrating me for a while and I have spoken to him about it before but perhaps I naively thought now there's DC on the way he'll care more about the quality of food he can produce.

We've been eating takeaways/ready meals for the past 5 months because my nausea is so bad. He's cooked about 4 times. Also he's been in between jobs and actually not been working the past 4 months. It's not OK. The problem is our expectations are wildly different. DH and I see food very differently. I think there's a lot here with respect to our backgrounds.

DH:

1. MIL hates cooking but always cooked. DH once told me a v sad story about MIL being unwell and couldn't cook. He was 7. His dad made him fry some chicken all by himself and didn't help and he cried whilst doing it. I don't know much about my FIL as he passed away before DH and I met and DH never speaks about him too much.
2. DH has pretty much been married to his job the last 15 years and ate in work canteen and never really needed to cook. He left that particular role so he'd have more time for 'life' which is when we met. And turns out because of having essentially no free time his entire life he has no hobbies.
3. Combination of work and family background = he really is very sheltered and has only ever eaten out of necessity. The last person that probably cooked consistently in his life probably was MIL 15 or so years ago. She is a terrible cook and thinks food is made delicious by adding lots of oil and salt to it and knows of virtually no herbs/spices. She always tells me I must put so much oil/salt in my food because it's so tasty...
4. DH has no interest in food, and doesn't understand why it's bad to eat a diet of frozen fish, baked beans and chips given that's what his mum fed him.

Me:

1. both parents cook very well, I haven't seen cooking as a gendered role growing up. My dad had a successful career and to this day him and my mum share the cooking. There would be no groceries in the house and yet they'd put together really tasty things. They could throw dinner parties at pretty short notice and enjoyed entertaining.
2. My 24M brother cooked himself proper meals at uni and still to this day cooks his own meals. And knows on a weekend he should check the fridge and get food in for the week to prep on a Sunday night. He too juggles an intense job.
3. All my friends share cooking with their partners.

If I reflect on the above I can really see how our ideas on food are polar opposites. I was far too upset to think logically and remember the above. I need to practice patience and kindness and not let my emotions get the better of me.

For those saying I should have taught him etc. DH and I have been together 3 years and I can tell you it's not easy teaching a person anything in their late 30s to change a lifestyle habit. He's lived an entire lifetime without needing to do it but life IS different when you're about to start a family compared to being a bachelor.

I think I am not unreasonable in wanting him to learn, but I was unreasonable with how I behaved, went about it and spoke to him. DH is quite avoidant whereas I prefer to want to speak through a problem.

I apologised this morning again and he is OK, he said he will learn to cook and wants to be better. I felt sheepish and said it's important for once DC is eating solids so he has some time. Thanks again for all the advice from those recommendeding recipe ideas and the Paprika app recommendation.

It's not an innate skill but it requires innate skills. Some people are more dexterous than others, or more practically-minded.

You may as well say any adult can learn how to do DIY, or rewiring a plug, or learning to code a website. Probably most could eventually follow the instructions. There's a huge leap to actually being able to do it well with confidence though. Different people have different strengths and it's OK for cooking not to be one of them.

Also, for those calling me a princess and things like a useless effing child - it was a mistake how I spoke to him. I was really upset and I should have controlled myself better but DH and I generally have a happy relationship. Much like DH isn't a manchild, I'm not a bitch. I'm definitely not perfect and still learning, it's still early days in our marriage and we're evolving. I'm not blind to how I spoke.

Also, for those calling me a princess and things like a useless effing child

Ignore them. They are just nasty creatures (probably with miserable lives) who get off on trying to hurt others.

You are pregnant, tired and sick and deserve more than a little slack.

I apologised this morning again and he is OK, he said he will learn to cook and wants to be better. I felt sheepish and said it's important for once DC is eating solids so he has some time. Thanks again for all the advice from those recommendeding recipe ideas and the Paprika app recommendation.

As the non-cook/bad cook who also came into a relationship with a great cook at level zero, I really recommend cooking together. Not every night of course, but as a way to bond as a couple at the weekend. Make a nice meal the project. Do the shopping list and the shopping together. Get in the kitchen together, leave a lot of time and put some tunes on. You're the boss so you can delegate him basic tasks to do, and get him to observe you do the harder things. Make the process enjoyable. He'll soon find out where his strengths are and what kinds of things he can actually do well. (For me, it was baking, surprisingly. My sticking point remains chopping.)

I think it got out of hand and you were wrong to banish him to another room, but I also understand the frustration.

I hate the ‘what do you need help with’ question and find it infuriating when there’s lots to do, but as this was something specific, you should have said ‘can you cook dinner tonight’ rather than asking for general help if that’s what you wanted.

I would also consider it atrocious for a grown man not to be able to put together a meal. He is about to be a father and having some basic knowledge, even if it’s just following a recipe for sausage and mash or a bolognese is not unreasonable. People aren’t born with innate cooking skills. It takes practise and just whinging that he can’t is so bloody tedious.

Thank you for the updates OP. That was a sad story. Imagine being 7 and frying chicken in oil by yourself, crying and terrified while an adult refuses to help you. That’s incredibly difficult and dangerous for a child to do. It is probably why he is avoidant about cooking by himself and learning by himself as that is a traumatic childhood experience. What would help though, is if you teach him how to cook by cooking together. So he is learning with help. Otherwise he will be transported back into his 7yr old self anytime he tries to self-learn, especially if things start to get a bit stressful like a pot boils over or a frying pan spits. Once he’s able to take the lead and cook by himself, you can do a phase where you keep him company in the kitchen while he cooks.

They still go wrong for me from time to time, and I'd say I'm a good cook!

I must admit that I quite like having DH as sous chef. Get him to chop tonnes of veg at the weekend so that I can sling stuff in as and when. Chop and freeze portions of meat when they arrive.

And I love an easy meal myself. Tonnes of easy meals are nutritious - beans on toast with no fuss is better than getting stressed over a pan.

Unless he has severe learning disabilities then he can follow a recipe for some simply meals. Like spag bog, jacket potatoes, sausage and mash etc and build his way up.
Women would never be able to get away with pretending they aren't capable of anything except fish and chips. Or needing to be babied through it.

Yep. Whenever I make home made pizza (I make the dough from scratch), when I go to toss the dough into pizza rounds, DH comes with me and he chops up all the toppings. By the time the rounds are ready, and I’ve put the sauce and cheese on, DH is ready with all the toppings. We could both do it by ourselves but joining forces makes it more enjoyable and we can knock out the pizzas in a half hour including cook time.

I sometimes see them go wrong for DP as well, and the difference is that when the recipe isn't working out for him he has a wealth of knowledge to draw on to fix it, or turn it into something else. Whereas I just flap around, try to plough on with following the recipe to the letter, and produce a terrible end result.

I think your post this morning shows a great deal of good sense and reflection. Actually you aren’t being at all unreasonable about how you feel (& being pregnant & uncomfortable/unwell exacerbates it) you just expressed it wrongly and unfairly.

Notwithstanding how much you enjoy cooking and in normal circumstances do it readily, your DH really should learn how to do some basics. If you are ever ill, away etc and leave him with your DC he should be able to manage to cook some scrambled eggs or something simple. I’m much older than you and our views of food and cooking are similar. My DH regards most food as fuel and isn’t a brilliant cook but he copes pretty well now. I still do most of the cooking but he cooks a mean chilli, has perfected meat and fish on his prized BBQ and when I’m really fed up of cooking takes me out to dinner!

But OP knew he couldn't cook anything more than freezer food and chose to marry him and have a baby with him anyway. It's a bit silly to expect him to change how.

Cooking is really not competition level figure skating. He can follow a simple recipe and learn. I didn't know how to take care of babies when I married DH so I could just put my hands up and tell him that he can't expect me to change now?

As prior posters have pointed out, just following a recipe often doesn’t work. They don’t mention things like how to chop and onion as it’s completely different whether bolognaise sauce or fajitas. What size onion bits do you need… What heat setting is perfect to simmer bolognaise sauce without scorching or exploding it.

Too, I’ve found that most online recipes are awful as are many YouTube videos. I think there are actually trolls out there publishing recipes that I can look at as an experienced cook and go, er no that is completely wrong. As in that ratio of flour to sugar to butter will not work. Or, using peanut butter isn’t really how you make a Satay sauce…and it will end up being awful.

A novice cook isn’t going to be able to look at a recipe and know if it’s any good or not, or spot the errors in a decent recipe. Like a brownie one I found that had the wrong size baking dish for the consistency of the recipe. If I had followed the recipe, the brownies would have been burnt on outside and raw in the middle. The same with a Dahl dish recipe that serves four which called for a shocking 8 whole chili peppers! Insanity!

It’s a skill that’s why they do have chef schools. Because teaching in person is the best and fastest way for someone to learn to cook.

This secret information that recipes leave out... you just have to work things out for yourself. If you're not doing it, you're not learning. It's not an excuse to not try.

They have chef schools because catering professionally for paying customers involves a great deal more than cooking for your family. Not because cooking is something that requires a vocational qualification.

I also wanted to say thank you for the recipe ideas. I will cook with DH as soon as I can muster it but in the meanwhile I will go through how to do easier recipes like the jacket potato for example.

I think he can quite easily figure out how to chop an onion. Has he never watched anyone cook? Eating anything with onion pieces in for size? In the unlikely event he cannot figure out how to chop an onion, he can Google or YouTube it.
I think he can figure out simmering too really. But he can always ask or search it.
I don't think it's either unable to cook or needing to go to a chef school. There is an in-between. Though lots of people are amazing cooks without going to a chef school..
I haven't found any problems with recipes online or in my cookbooks. But could always get a well reviewed one for simple meals.

I don't like cooking, and my age has nothing to do with it - the older I get the more I hate it! If you knew he doesnt cook, it's ridiculous to think he'd suddenly start. My MIL only cooks frozen stuff, always has and always will - it's really fine. Not everyone can cook or likes cooking, as long as he can produce a plate of relatively nutritious food, that's all that matters.

Carry out? Photo copy some basic recipes that beginners can cope with and let him get on with it. It's how most of us learned, isn't it?

Women would never be able to get away with pretending they aren't capable of anything except fish and chips.

You've not met my MIL lol. She hates cooking. It's really fine.

Yeah I have friend who lives on oven meals. Her dh is a chef so he cooks she reheats or pops biege in the oven

I’m a woman and I have got away with not being a very good cook! I think part of the reason I have been avoidant with cooking is that both my mother and husband were in different ways critical of my efforts. Mum would sigh deeply and snap “ Oh, give it to me!” and my husband turned it into a joke so I let him get on with it. I like the idea of cooking together when you feel better. Remember he is starting from no skills at all and avoid being critical.

What an incredibly gracious post. I’m glad you’ve Been able to reflect and apologise and you can find a way forward together to both be happier.

you did mention in a post earlier about not feeling cared for so it’s probably worth coming up with and discussing other ways he can do simple things for you to help you feel that way. It might be frustrating that he needs to be told exactly what you might need but if you tell him what would help (running a bath, cups of tea, foot rubs) then he will be able to offer those more freely instead of you feeling like he has to ask. He sounds like a good man who loves you so just keep talking.

Some people are good cooks, some aren't, we're all different. It wasn't nice, but don't beat yourself up about it anymore, you've accepted you we're wrong and apologised. Also, you can get some really nice food that you just chuck in the oven, quiche, chicken kievs etc. I like cooking and am relatively good at it, but I still eat that stuff sometimes if I'm not in the mood to cook.

You are being irrational and rude. He came home from work at 6:30, he offered to cook, you were rude and snarky, then ordered him to sleep elsewhere and gave him the silent treatment because he wouldn’t make anything more than a frozen meal. It sounds like he lets you walk all over him.
Grow up!