AIBU calling DH atrocious for not wanting to 'cook' anything more than frozen oven food.

[BeingHappy]

I'm 20 weeks pregnant, feeling nauseous throughout the day and the smells of raw meat/the fridge/cooking smells eg onions frying, veg being steamed really sets me off.

Anyway an argument with DH really spiralled tonight. I asked him to help me out after he gets home from work (he is usually home by 6.30pm, not a.stressful job) he said yes he would and what would I like help with. I was in the wrong when I replied with 'use your initiative' to which he said that was rude.. which made me cry and I sort of spiralled. Anyway, eventually said I needed him to step up and do the cooking but it needs to be something more than frozen fish and chips. And he said that's all he knows how to cook, he doesn't know how to cook anything else. And I called him atrocious.. he said he would never say anything like that to me. AIBU for calling him atrocious?

By the way, his cooking is generally awful and the most he's ever usually managed to 'cook' is sticking frozen stuff in the oven.

This, absolutely. You sound unbelievably unpleasant and emotionally manipulative. Making him sleep in a different room?! Unbelievable.

You say you can do the standard stuff... but what's the non-standard stuff you can't do? I'm genuinely baffled as to what people are struggling with.

I’m afraid I don’t understand your point. Why do people need to have an agreement to communicate with each other?

Seconded

I think you were unreasonable in that scenario you described. You need to have a calm, mature discussion about household tasks including cooking, in terms of who does what, in light of the forthcoming baby. I'm sure he can understand he ought to be able to book some basic meals, for example in the future he will likely need to make meals for the baby/child when you're not there.

Maybe it's you with the reading comprehension issues then. In my previous post I expanded on the reasons I found cooking difficult.

The short version is: didn't grow up around cooking so developed no cooking instincts. Didn't learn in my 20s because cooking requires decent equipment and a decent store cupboard, plus being on a budget meant the fear of wasting ingredients if it went wrong. Now I can just about do it but I don't have the instincts to save a dish if something starts to go wrong, and because I'm very cack-handed and clumsy, basic cooking skills like chopping take way too long (and are done badly).

I don't believe you're fully competent in every practical area of adult life and I'm certain I'm more competent than others are in different areas, so I find this whole "but it's BASIC ADULTING" hostility pretty obnoxious.

What a bunch of handmaidens on this thread - oh but poor darling doesn't know how to cook, how unreasonable of you!
About time he learns a few basic meals then. Is he planning to feed the baby oven chips only?

I suggested Jamie's 30 minute meals to which he said it's unfair for me to want him to cook like a chef, and I said that's ridiculous and that book is aimed at uni students.

Which is it then, 'chef' or 'uni student' level?

Doesn't mean it's a good idea. Cooking is a basic life skill. I'm not talking haute cuisine, just basic stuff. Sausages and mash, spag bol, stir fry, fajitas. There's really no defensible excuse not to learn.

There are so many women on here with alarmingly low expectations of men and all are perpetuating the problem.

It's fucking scary.

He “can’t” cook anything other than beige bland oven food?

Nah, he’s not a child - it’s a “won’t”, not a “can’t”, unless he has physical disabilities that you haven’t told us about…

He is selfish and YANBU, if a little brutal in your choice of words to him!

Are we really using the word atrocious for someone who can't/won't cook fresh meals?

Bit dramatic.

I'm a shit cook but I do still give it a bash. It's not compulsory to learn how to cook from scratch.

You were rude from the off when you said use your initiative after he asked a simple question. But I'm guessing after 9 pages you've probably got that by now.

You've apologised, he's accepted. Done and dusted.

Yanbu

You are NOT the house manager - it is not your job to think for him.

Have a wee look at this brilliant and funny feminist comic.

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

@Kabalagala it's just not something I can be arsed to get worked about. I know MN is really big on home cooking from scratch but it won't kill anyone to be fed otherwise.

I'd also argue that if healthy food and home cooking was that important to OP, it's something that should have been tackled years ago, not now she's a few months away from giving birth 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t have ‘reading comprehension’ issues (what a tired MN trope) but my reading of the thread doesn’t revolve around your posts because it isn’t your thread.

Feeding yourself is a basic life skill. Like many things, it requires actually doing it to get used to it. Perhaps because people who say they ‘can’t’ cook get other people to do it for them, they don’t ever really do it so they’re unschooled. But I totally refute that following a basic recipe is beyond any NT adult.

Cooking isn’t an innate skill bestowed upon some but not others. Grow up.

No. I really don't care.

Feeding yourself is a basic life skill.

Correct, but you don't need to cook fresh meals from scratch to feed yourself.

You were really nasty in the way you spoke to him and it was an over reaction to tell him to sleep in the spare room. I see you’ve apologised for that which is perfect.

But the core issue of him not knowing how to cook does need to be remedied. I’d advise you cooking together for a bit and you consciously teach him how to cook. Teach one of your favourite meals, then let him pick one of his and so on. The first few times making that meal, you take the lead and he is sous chef cutting up veg or measuring ingredients. Then you swap and he takes the lead while you do prep. Then you let him loose to do it on his own.

Once he builds up a repertoire of meals, then he can take his turn cooking dinner for you and soon to be here family. Yes he could teach himself to cook but it takes a lot of time and practice when you are starting at zero. Even basics like what size to chunks to cut potatoes into to boil for mashed potato- it’s easier for someone to show you the exact size where when the potato chunk is fully cooked through, the outer bit isn’t too soggy. How to warm up milk without letting it boil and go all sour. How to cut a pineapple. There’s a huge list of things not said in cookbooks that you have been taught and take for granted. Yes he can learn by trial and error, as I did, but you’re heavily pregnant you don’t have time for him to teach himself! ( or eat the failures that happen with any novice cook). Cooking together is also more fun…we still do this when we are both knackered but want a decent dinner.

I’m not a “handmaiden”. I’m female and I sympathise with the husband because I find cooking particularly boring. I’d rather do other domestic chores and let someone else cook. I can keep people and myself healthy and alive. OP was passive aggressive at the start of this interaction and blames her hormones. He was willing to get her some food but it wasn’t good enough.

And then I told him I can't speak to him anymore and he needs to go sleep in the next room and I said I had to look out for.mine and the baby's health. At which point he left immediately for the next room.

This was possibly taking it too far-although tbh I'm on the fence about that.

He should have made a bloody effort years ago imo.

He can learn a couple of easy meals to start with.

Cottage pie, chilli, risotto?

To be fair, the things my husband gets wrong are all BECAUSE he followed the recipe. Because he doesn't quite have the experience to know that on this oven you need slightly less time, or that the steaming instructions are bollocks and you need longer etc.

All factors that change nice food too tough or too mushy - and you think it's your fault because you followed the recipe.

(he's learned now, but those were big stumbling blocks)

On a more practical note @BeingHappy I think lots of people who have grown up without being given any basic cooking skills can be quite genuinely overwhelmed with being asked to cook, when they probably don’t know very basic things like how to chop an onion properly, how much oil to cook it in, or how long it takes to soften in a pan. Taking a bag of shopping and turning it into a bolognese is quite daunting if you don’t know very basic prep skills.

I’d suggest you agree on a really manageable number of dishes, (three or five) that you both like, and teach him how to do those by having him help / watch you do them once then take over. My brother did this with my nieces before they went off to uni and being able to make just five dishes themselves made the world of difference.

Once he’s mastered those he can go on to more , or just cook two of those dishes a week.

To start I’d suggest:

Roast chicken, sounds daunting but actually involves no skilled prep. You just cut some carrots and onions in half and throw them in an oven dish with some new potatoes, salt pepper glug of oil and mix, then put the chicken breast r chicken thighs on top, bit of salt, pepper and oil. Heat the oven, put the dish in, set the timer and remove when done.

Pasta carbonara, cook pasta, chop and fry bacon and garlic for a few mins. Beat two eggs. Drain the pasta and put it back in the pan, put the eggs, bacon and garlic in with the pasta and cook on a low heat while stirring for three minutes till done. Grate Parmesan - done.

Pea soup, finely chop an onion. Put a small amount of oil into a soup pan, scrape in the chopped onion and cook for five minutes. Add a bag of frozen peas, water and a stock cube and cook for ten minutes. Blend and serve with toast.

Other deceptively simple options that require few skills, jacket potatoes, scrambled eggs with cheese ham or smoked salmon, tomato sauce for pasta.

Also if you teach him to make a soffritto (chopped onions, carrots and celery, softened in oil) he’ll then have the skills to be able to make bolognese, any kind of stew, chilli, most soups etc.

And yes of course you shouldn’t have to teach him to cook, he’s an adult etc etc. but at the end of the day if you want him to be able to knock out a few decent meals, and he’s willing to learn, then spending a bit of time and patience showing him a few basic skills and giving him a lot of encouragement and yummy noises will pay off.

No one “knows” how to cook, we can learn though.

My late dh didn’t cook till lockdown because he didn’t need to, I worked less hours so I did it but when he had time he did his own evening meals.

I think this is why widowed me remarry so quickly sometimes, it’s just convienience.

he's learned now, but those were big stumbling blocks

Most new cooks do this unless they learned by watching another cook as a child.

I made few mistakes with familiar food that I grew up with but once I started branching out and needed to follow recipes I made mistakes.

The trick is to observe the process and learn from it.

These are the sorts of things that have often gone wrong for me (and still do). It's really not as simple as "just follow a recipe".

Good basic list
I'd add: premade quiche with salad
Sausages (easy to bake with instructions & mash (easy to make with those microwaveble bags of potatoes)
Tacos - we just use cans of mixed beans and the sauce from the pack, mostly it's just cutting up or grating all the salad and cheese ingredients we add.

Pre cooked rice in the bags or rice cooked in microwave with a jar curry sauce, can use can chickpeas or lentils and some roast vegetables.

OP you could make a list of easy meals with instructions, start with very basic stuff, I think anyone who is prepared to give it some time can cook basics meals. I don't think you're unreasonable to expect a grown man to cook some basic meals, but the way you went about expressing your feelings, the way you treated him really wasn't OK.