AIBU calling DH atrocious for not wanting to 'cook' anything more than frozen oven food.

[BeingHappy]

I'm 20 weeks pregnant, feeling nauseous throughout the day and the smells of raw meat/the fridge/cooking smells eg onions frying, veg being steamed really sets me off.

Anyway an argument with DH really spiralled tonight. I asked him to help me out after he gets home from work (he is usually home by 6.30pm, not a.stressful job) he said yes he would and what would I like help with. I was in the wrong when I replied with 'use your initiative' to which he said that was rude.. which made me cry and I sort of spiralled. Anyway, eventually said I needed him to step up and do the cooking but it needs to be something more than frozen fish and chips. And he said that's all he knows how to cook, he doesn't know how to cook anything else. And I called him atrocious.. he said he would never say anything like that to me. AIBU for calling him atrocious?

By the way, his cooking is generally awful and the most he's ever usually managed to 'cook' is sticking frozen stuff in the oven.

Your update is on the right track, OP.

The universal underlying principle is that you always take responsibility for your own choices in relationship. It makes for an honest and respectful foundation for any and all disagreements.

You can cook. He can't. Point to you.

He chose a partner & co-parent who can provide good food for him and his child. You didn't. Point to him.

Now you work together as a team to even that out, so you can both cook, and both ensure good food for your family.

All the best for the rest of your pregnancy, OP.

I am like this too. Lots of people find food boring. There must be something domestic related that you're not good at or interested in. Imagine someone demanding you upskill immediately by shouting at you... it's not the most effective way.

I'd apologise then work on a longer term strategy with him to get him helping with the cooking if it has to be from scratch every time.

@BeingHappy I'm not going to comment on how unreasonable you were, because you've calmed down and can see that. Your DH has accepted your apology and moved on.

However, I do want to tell you a little story. I'm a decent cook. But I used to live with a foodie, who was so into his cooking, he didn't let me in the kitchen. Whenever I did cook, I felt like he was judging me, so I stopped. I lost my confidence even though I can actually cook - imagine how someone with zero cooking ability would feel.

It's obvious that preparing food from scratch is important to you, and it's very natural for someone with that background to instinctively want to turn her nose up at something that's badly prepared. Would you consider the two of you finding the money in the household pot to send DH on some cooking classes? Now would be great, as you'll need him around more when the baby is born.

Although you may be able to bear being around food prep after the baby is born and your sense of smell starts to normalise, I do worry if your OH will be able to learn from you in the kitchen then without feeling judged. And when the baby comes, you'll both feel tired and rotten, and more prone to fighting over non-issues.

Sending him on a community cooking class to learn some really basic stuff would therefore be more neutral.

I think it's worth stressing you don't expect him to ever become a gourmet chef, but you're feeling really rough at the moment with the pregnancy and it would be a weight off your mind if he could learn how to cook some really basic food from scratch. He has said he's willing to help you if you tell him how... there's your how.

It's not OPs fault he couldn't be arsed to learn before now. She's half way through her pregnancy so I'm sure it's the not the first he's heard of her aversions or fatigue. She equally shouldn't have to "help" him. She's not his mother.

He did offer to cook but it was deemed not good enough.

Again, you're making assumptions that frozen food = processed food. A lot of frozen food is just fresh food that's been frozen

No, I was specifically commenting on ready meals not frozen vegetables.

@Kabalagala no, but she could have accepted what he was offering to cook.

I agree, @babyjellyfish

This bit - But OP knew he couldn't cook anything more than freezer food and chose to marry him and have a baby with him anyway. It's a bit silly to expect him to change now - seems to have been expressed numerous times on this thread, and I think it's bonkers.

The husband expects his wife to change. Unless he's barely sentient, he expects his wife to become a mother, a working mother, a woman with a pre-partum and post-partum body and all that goes with these massive changes. The husband expects the woman he met and married to change in immeasurable ways and to carry a bigger load than she did before.

I do believe an adult could do all of those things. They just have to do them. Cooking is something that happens just about every day, I’ve only had to rewire about three plugs in my whole lifetime. Can still do it. My dad showed me once. I’m not a special superhero, just a person.

Even if he needs to rely on prepared foods there are lots of excellent options, HelloFresh or Gousto might be a way building confidence

If this is your reaction to things not being 100% as you want them to be, then you are going to be in for a rough ride when the baby arrives as your life (both of your lives) are going to get a whole lot more challenging.

You may as well say any adult can learn how to do DIY, or rewiring a plug, or learning to code a website

I believe most adults can, but those things are really not the same as cooking. You need food to live. You do not need to code websites. And yes I get the argument that food does not need to be home-cooked, but OPs DH says only thing he knows how to cook is frozen fish and chips - you can't feed your children only frozen fish and chips 3 times per day, can you?

YABU. Another example of a woman falling pregnant and then expecting the man to suddenly transform into a totally different person. You knew he was a shit cook when you married him.

YANBU to be fed up. You snapped, and of course should apologise for the personal insults and any yelling.

But he is acting like a child.

You snapped because your dh expects you to tell him what 'needs doing' when any sentient adult should be able to figure that out for himself. Like you did.

Google 'mental load'.

Cooking: he needs to learn. It doesn't matter if he enjoys it or not. He is capable of producing tasty, healthy food cooked from scratch 3 nights per week. It is his responsibility to learn. It is not your responsibility to teach him.

He can clean the house as well as you. He can understand what needs cleaning and when, just like you do.

He can do the grocery shopping, too.

In short, you don't need to act like his mum, cleaning and cooking while he claims to be mystified by the whole process. Cooking is something you learn to do by instruction and practice, like driving a car or doing his paid work.

If he thinks it is beneath him, ask him why he expects you to do it.

If he engages and wants to learn then that's most of the battle. Have him do things like google basic kitchen skills, look at youtube videos that explain how to do the 10 year old child level of following instructions - cutting up and softening an onion and garlic, how to cut vegetables to appropriate sizes to cook at the same time, how to tell when a piece of meat is cooked through. Then he can search for most easy recipes and do some sheet pan cooking, one pot pasta dishes, soups, etc.

OPs DH says only thing he knows how to cook is frozen fish and chips - you can't feed your children only frozen fish and chips 3 times per day, can you?

Well, if he can cook frozen fish and chips, he can cook pretty much anything from the freezer.

And you don't need to cook three meals a day - cereal, toast, yoghurt or fruit or breakfast, sandwiches and soup with cut up veggies for lunch, and then add frozen veggies with dinner and it's hardly an awful diet.

Whereas she's expected to transform into superwoman, while he just stays a helpless bairn? Funny how these men manage to develop, change and achieve promotions at work.

She’s suddenly transformed into a woman with 24/7 nausea. Soon she’ll suddenly transform into someone in labour, then someone simultaneously recovering from birth and being primary carer to a newborn. She’s stepped up; 20 weeks in and he’s still slinging McCain’s Oven Fries and asking for instructions on how to adult.

I think you should not have spoke to your DH like that, pregnant or not it's unacceptable

There are so many ways around this, slow cooker as he would only have to put it in one pot.

M and s oven meals are a good option as they even do ready to eat salads too. I know they aren't the best health or money wise but beats a takeaway on both of those things and gives DH a bit more time to watch videos on cooking

My 6 year has a great beginner's cookbook from Usborne. It's got step by step illustrations and a bit at the start about all the utensils you need, how to use measuring spoons etc. There's even an illustration showing how to peel a potato.
Would recommend to anyone who "can't" cook.

There are a worrying number of apologists for male fecklessness on this thread.

Anyway, good luck OP. Let him get started with learning - by next week he should easily have one dish that he can make pretty well, even if it's simple.

If he is good with all the other housework, being a poor cook isn’t a character flaw. In a calm time, ask him to develop an arsenal of easy to make, child-friendly meals. 5 things he can cook for the family. You can make suggestions as to what those can be, but keep it simple. Things like the hello
fresh box are going to be too big a step for him

my DH is great with most chores, except he has never really cooked. When we were dating I got hungry one night and went to use his hob to make some eggs. He was horrified. He had lived in his new build house for 5 years and never used the hob. He only had eggs because he occasionally baked cookies and I got lucky that he had made some recently.

In the last few decades he has learned to cook. It has been a very slow process and he is extremely meticulous. He has a very small repertoire of dishes that he does really, really well. It also stresses him out greatly whenever he cooks. He can’t multitask at all.

Could you afford HelloFresh? The meals come with childproof instructions, it’s the only way I can get my DP to cook anything non-frozen! His mum can’t cook and he just never learned.

Disagree with the notion yih should eat what he cooks. You're bloody pregnant with his child. He should cook what you want or at least try. I feel your pain. My husband can only cook spaghetti bol and that's because I taught him. He point blank refuses to try and cook anything else. It's exhausting when I've had a long day and want something that hasn't come from a cardboard box. He's usually home by 230 so ample of time.

That's not sudden. That's planned and expected.

If you marry non cook/nonndriver/non diy person and go on like that, don't get huffy when they don't suddenly start doing things they never did.

There is a very simple solution to these situations. Thinking and contraception 🤷🏻