AIBU calling DH atrocious for not wanting to 'cook' anything more than frozen oven food.

[BeingHappy]

I'm 20 weeks pregnant, feeling nauseous throughout the day and the smells of raw meat/the fridge/cooking smells eg onions frying, veg being steamed really sets me off.

Anyway an argument with DH really spiralled tonight. I asked him to help me out after he gets home from work (he is usually home by 6.30pm, not a.stressful job) he said yes he would and what would I like help with. I was in the wrong when I replied with 'use your initiative' to which he said that was rude.. which made me cry and I sort of spiralled. Anyway, eventually said I needed him to step up and do the cooking but it needs to be something more than frozen fish and chips. And he said that's all he knows how to cook, he doesn't know how to cook anything else. And I called him atrocious.. he said he would never say anything like that to me. AIBU for calling him atrocious?

By the way, his cooking is generally awful and the most he's ever usually managed to 'cook' is sticking frozen stuff in the oven.

You sound worn out but you have been completely unreasonable and I feel sorry for your husband. You should be apologising to him profusely. He asked what help you needed, you snapped back and then insisted a person who can’t cook produce a non oven food meal. It’s probably your hormones but it’s so unpleasant and hurtful to be screamed at by a totally out of control partner.

Oh no.. I'm happy to be wrong. Thank you for your message.

Sorry, but yes you are. He's a crap cook, you know this, and he can't make anything more than oven crap. I think that's ridiculous and he's just lazy, but why not start him with something basic if he's genuinely never done it before, it does sound you were a bit snarky.

And then I told him I can't speak to him anymore and he needs to go sleep in the next room and I said I had to look out for.mine and the baby's health. At which point he left immediately for the next room.

You are in the wrong.

If you want him to cook, you eat what you are given. You don't make demands. Furthermore if you ask for "help with something", you should be clear what you actually want help with. Perhaps you should've said you wanted DH to step up and use his initiative with household chores etc but you weren't clear and it sounds like you weren't particularly nice either.

@SD1978 Not sure if he's lazy or if it's just his upbringing. My MIL and SIL are both terrible at cooking too...

How are you possibly looking out for your health by sending him to another room? Because you're stressed? It doesn't actually affect the baby, they've done studies of it. Hence why babies born to mothers living through war are still okay.

Are you upset he acquiesced and went away? As gently as I can, are you sure your hormones aren't getting the better of you?

You need to get a grip. For fuck's sake. Calling him "atrocious" is absurd, and making him sleep in another room is totally uncalled for.

Yes, he needs to grow up and learn to cook, but you have blown this totally out of proportion.

I don't see anything to apologize about.
He's going to be a father and he needs to get up to speed.
He has eyes and should be able to look around and see what is needed without being coached about every step.
And absolutely no reason a grown adult should not be able to make a simple real meal. Pretended inability is deeply unattractive.

@Rtmhwales I was getting more and more upset with him insisting he couldn't do any better. I suggested Jamie's 30 minute meals to which he said it's unfair for me to want him to cook like a chef, and I said that's ridiculous and that book is aimed at uni students. And because he was being stubborn about not wanting to try, I got more upset and told him to leave...

@Aquamarine1029 @ZiriForEver I agree, I think he definitely needs to grow up and learn to cook. He is 39!!!!

Surely at this point in your relationship you're quite aware of how atrocious his cooking is.

Realistically he's not going to turn into a masterchef overnight but I'm sure he's capable of much more than frozen fish and chips. Why don't you sit down together and come up with a meal plan of things you can stomach and that he can have a go cooking. There are loads of more varied meals that are still incredibly easy.

• Jacket potatoes with cheese/beans/coleslaw/tuna/salad.
• Pasta with a simple sauce or pasta bake and a side salad
• Hunters chicken or other prepared chicken you can buy in the supermarket in a foil dish with microwave mash and veg
• Fajitas using a packet of spice mix
• Curry using a jar of sauce or one of those pots of curry paste.

Then steer him in the direction of some simple recipes. Maybe even get a hello fresh/gousto delivery a few days a week.

I have no interest in cooking, so I only cook frozen oven stuff, microwave stuff or really easy things like Omlette sand pasta. we're
not dead or malnourished it's fine.
you can't really ask someone to do something and then complain because they're not doing it the way you would

@gingerbreadhouses very aware of his cooking skills (or lack thereof) but I just thought now I'm pregnant he might take it a bit more seriously.. definitely not expecting anything MasterChef like.

Thank you for the suggestions, they are fab.

We did actually get a hello fresh box. On the first week he helped me prep everything. The second week's box remained untouched and I eventually roasted all the veggies and turned them into a massive soup. Sigh. The plan was it would encourage him to learn a bit more and get him cooking (albeit I didn't actually say that to him).

Ugh the poll is becoming increasingly unclear.

He is generally so wonderful but takes criticism very poorly.

Can he not even make an omelette? Chop up a salad? Make jacket potatoes (as pp mentioned) or scrambled eggs on toast?

I mean, how bad are we talking here?

I’m trying to gauge the distance between his abilities and your expectations.

You are absolutely not in the wrong. In 2022, there are NO excuses for not knowing how to cook. There are literally a zillion YouTube channels. DD is in her Joshua Weissman phase and cooks dinner several times a week for all of us, depending on homework .

You are going to have a baby, and he needs to reflect on how he want to raise it, on frozen processed food or real and fresh, and the trick to do that is to know how to cook to make it delicious.

Tell everyone, friends and family, to buy cookbooks to DH for Christmas.

YANBU. Not being able to cook at 39 is really strange. My BIL is like this and I feel for his gf because he is never going to pull finger and learn.

Your husband needs to use the next 15-20 weeks learning before the baby arrives, because you will need to be fed when you are too nauseas and tired and to pull his weight in the kitchen when your kids are eating solid food.

I’m not sure why people think YABU because I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a 39 man to be able to cook a simple dinner for his partner.

You definitely overreacted by sending him to sleep in another room, I think you should apologise in the morning. But it's a bit ridiculous he can't/won't cook anything other than oven food. That would bug me too.

@AutumnCrow one time he made an 'egg sauce'. Like scrambled eggs and tomatoes and onions. His issue is he makes stuff up or substitutes.ingredients that have nothing to do with each other eg. If recipe calls for coriander but the only spice we have is cinnamon, he'll stick cinnamon in it. It would make a world of difference if he actually stuck to the recipe. One time he followed the recipe perfectly for a hollandaise sauce(!!!) and it was delicious. So if he tries, he can. But he is generally very poorly educated in food. Eg. He can't tell what makes a curry so delicious and will comment something like 'yum, you can really taste the black pepper in this' when there is a whole barrage of spices in there....

I agree that YouTube videos are really easy to follow for learning how to cook. I would also find his lack of effort annoying. We have an Instant Pot and it’s pretty impossible to go wrong with it. Ours came with a recipe book to get us started. Maybe get him one for his Christmas.

YABU

Just because you are pregnant doesn't mean he can suddenly cook. You have known he can't cook presumably before you were pregnant.

He's offered to help and you were vile to him. He then did make you food so that you didn't have to deal with it and you complained about it.

Perhaps a compromise would be something like Wiltshire farm meals or other such premade meals until you can cook again.

Completely agree he needs to be willing to try etc and that "there's no such thing as can't" and all that but you sound like you were gunning for a row and were pretty nasty about the whole thing.

Also, you've made several digs at his inability to cook ("or lack there of") on here - is it a running theme in your home life to do that in front of him? Ever heard of "self fulfilling prophecy" ??? Google it. You would catch me setting myself up for failure by trying to cook for someone whom I suspected would ridicule me/tear the meal apart after and I have a sneaking suspicion that's what may have happened.

Also, be good if everyone could remember that not everybody is good at everything.

But you said that the smell of raw ingredients bring prepared abd cooked 'set you off' what could he possibly have cooked, apart from frozen food, that wouldn't have set you off?

Yeah, he should he able to look around house and see what needs doing without instruction and yes, maybe at age of 39, he should know how to cook a little better but yabu on this point as you said you didn't want to smell anything

@MargotChateau before we met, he would have lunch (AND dinner sometimes) in the work canteen. Or stick a pizza in the oven or boil pasta and mix it up with a jar sauce... But he never actually cooked anything from scratch.