AIBU calling DH atrocious for not wanting to 'cook' anything more than frozen oven food.

[BeingHappy]

I'm 20 weeks pregnant, feeling nauseous throughout the day and the smells of raw meat/the fridge/cooking smells eg onions frying, veg being steamed really sets me off.

Anyway an argument with DH really spiralled tonight. I asked him to help me out after he gets home from work (he is usually home by 6.30pm, not a.stressful job) he said yes he would and what would I like help with. I was in the wrong when I replied with 'use your initiative' to which he said that was rude.. which made me cry and I sort of spiralled. Anyway, eventually said I needed him to step up and do the cooking but it needs to be something more than frozen fish and chips. And he said that's all he knows how to cook, he doesn't know how to cook anything else. And I called him atrocious.. he said he would never say anything like that to me. AIBU for calling him atrocious?

By the way, his cooking is generally awful and the most he's ever usually managed to 'cook' is sticking frozen stuff in the oven.

You knew he couldn’t cook before you got pregnant. Have you ever taken the time to help him learn some of the basics? He probably would be able to but it sounds like you belittle him and criticize him so much that he loses all interest. I know I would if I were spoken to like that over something I’ve never had the opportunity to learn (I’m guessing he lived at home until he met you and his mother did all the cooking).

You’re being childish telling him to sleep in the other room. I’m assuming this is your first child as I’m getting huge PFB vibes here. If it matters that much to you, do the cooking yourself. Batch cook a few times a week so it doesn’t even have to be every day. You’re pregnant, not dying of cancer. Life is going to get much harder than this so you need to toughen up. If cooking is so easy that it’s “atrocious” that your husband can’t, then you’ll have no trouble taking care of it yourself.

Ok so he can’t cook, but I bet there’s other stuff he can do which you can’t. If he asked you to do one of those and you questioned it would you have been happy to have been called those names. Nope I didn’t think so

Surely a relationship is about team work. I said this to my OH the other day when he was struggling with something I was storming through. But there’s other things which would be the reverse.

If I was him I would never step foot inside the kitchen again. How unbelievably rude!!!!!

I rather imagine that might be a tad inconvenient for him, as solutions go.

I agree OP, adults who can’t cook basic nutritious food are being ridiculous. It doesn’t need to be complicated, and in fact I would class being able to boil pasta and add a jar of sauce as being halfway there already. Meals need a good spread of macronutrients. Veges (for fibre and micronutrients), carbs, fat and protein. Not every meal needs to have every food group but it all needs to balance over the course of a week.
So, he can cook pasta and a jar of sauce? Great. Stick some peas in with the pasta, add a little grated cheese and potentially a slice of ham/other preprepared sliced deli meat (or a boiled egg, or a can of tuna).
Freezer food? Make a salad to go with it or boil/steam some peas, beans or broccoli.
baked beans plus toast plus a fried egg? Done. It’s a pretty balanced meal.
Buy in a ready made pizza, serve with salad. Done.
make cheese and ham toasties - serve with a sliced tomato.

YABU. He's not suddenly going to be able to cook just because you're pregnant. Poor bastard.

Poor sod comes home from work, agrees immediately to help his pregnant partner and gets a ton of grief but it's ok, she's pregnant

You weren't hormone-driven, you were nasty.

People using hormones as an excuse for behaviour like this is the exact reason men say shit like "oh I guess you must be on your period"

Gawd - how many times do people repost the same thing.
I'm sure OP has got the message.

She posted on an online forum asking for opinions. Unless anyone has repeated themselves by posting more than once then I’m not sure what your point is? Not everyone will have time to read other people’s responses.

This was catty. I take it you're an obstetric research scientist and you're about to publish work that debunks all the existing literature showing evidence of mood swings and irritability in pregnancy?

FFSLTB just what I was going to post!

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. A bit grumpy but honestly this is the same male bullshit, tell me exactly what you want me to do to ‘help’ and exactly how to do it. Then expect a sub standard effort. By then you might as well have done it yourself. I understand why you snapped. And it’s really on him to grow, learn and get better at stuff not to just give up when adulting gets hard. Im sure you’ll make it up and I would defo try meal prep boxes. Leave the choosing (within reason) to him so he feels some ownership and let him get on with it. There’s ones in there that take 10 mins and are ridiculously easy. Even a child could figure it out.

I'm 42f and CANNOT cook my partner does it all 49m 🤣 its not just useless men lol

No, I’m just very aware, like most people that pregnant women are just as capable of anyone else of treating people with common decency and respect. OP did neither of those things and her being pregnant does not excuse it. She was completely out of order.

Also on my list of skills all adults need - sewing. Not necessarily to be able to make anything but just to be able to reattach a button that comes loose or fix a seam that’s starting to split. Also it’s very helpful being able to hem your own trousers - saves time and money paying someone else to do it.

I lost my mind after my ovaries were removed 🙁

As in, talking about hormones and state of mind ^^

People are being pretty harsh to you. I had HG in a twin pregnancy and for four months couldn't be in a room with a sink because even the smell of water made me sick. It was exhausting and just so unpleasant. And yes, I was snappy af to my husband.

He isn't quite as bad as yours but comes from a similar non-foodie home and for that time fed our now 3 year old nothing but yes, beige. We are still dealing with our little boys consequent struggle with other foods so I can see how it gets internalised so fast. It isn't good enough though and is going to let you and your baby down. Finding meals for kids can be a relentless task and it's going to be dumped on you at this rate.

We went down the Hello Fresh route and DH was endearingly proud of himself whenever he turned out something edible. I still think he has terrible tastebuds and an addiction to the sugar in all those jarred sauces. He still doesn't take much initiative and I will always do 90% of the meals - but he can at least get the kids basically fed if I am out and not poison me if I'm home.

get him a student cook book. Baffled by the “can’t cook” brigade it’s not hard is it and how do you feed yourself without a maid?

If you can read a recipe, you can cook. It's not some sort of innate skill you're born with. What men usually mean when they 'can't cook' is that someone else has always done it for them so why should they bother? My DH doesn't enjoy cooking, but he has two hands and a pair of eyes so he most certainly can cook.

This!

You picked an argument from the off. If you wanted a DH who could cook, you should have married one.

Really surprised at some of these responses. OP, I think you're getting a very hard time here.

I think your main issue is that you've let your husband get to the age of 39 with a baby on the way without being able to cook even basic meals, and now you're tired and hormonal and, not unreasonably, just want a basic, filling and healthy meal without having to cook it yourself, but your husband can't do it because he doesn't have the necessary skills.

He should have the skills.

It is absurd to get to his age and not be able to do something so necessary. Maybe he's great at other things but cooking is something which needs to be done every single day and if one adult in a marriage can't and won't do it, it's a big burden for the other person.

My mum is like this. She's nearly 65 and can barely make toast. She doesn't food shop, she doesn't meal plan, she just waits for other people to put meals in front of her. My dad, in fairness, doesn't do much else other than food shopping and cooking. But he has been diagnosed with a degenerative illness and I worry about how they are going to eat if he becomes incapable of cooking.

Added to that, when my mum was pregnant and we were tiny, if she didn't feel like doing anything, maybe the house would get dusty, maybe the bathroom wouldn't get cleaned or the bills would be paid late, but we always ate because my dad did the cooking.

You won't always be pregnant and nauseous, but in the third trimester you might be too tired or in pain to stand. In the newborn stage you might be recovering from a traumatic birth, or your baby might be cluster feeding. When your husband is at work and you're on maternity leave, you might find that your baby cries all afternoon and you can't go out food shopping, or when your husband gets home you've got a banging headache and you really need him to take the baby so you can lie down for an hour.

He needs to learn to cook at least basic things and that needs to start today.

The way this argument played out wasn't ideal but he's spent too long avoiding learning how to cook.

Sit down with him and agree on how this is going to work moving forwards. I suggest you agree on three basic meals that he will learn to cook and you will guide him through the process until he's capable of flying solo. Then you gradually add to his repertoire.

Hopefully he can 'learn' how to cook when his child is here. I find it very odd when men are unable to even cook their own child a decent meal.

I have had all day, all pregnancy sickness twice. My DH was not a good cook, curry way too hot ,chilli ditto, spag bol, well we won't go there. He offered to cook as he knew that I would be cooking and vomiting at the same time. I just ate whatever he prepared as he was trying. Did it always taste good? No! But he was trying, and I accepted that, he was never going to be Jamie Oliver, but it fed me through both pregnancies.Think of it this way, there are some things I just can't do, and I accept that. I think more people should be able to cook, but sometimes it's just not going to happen.

Wtf. Why did you think that was OK?